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Kayla82

It will be 3 week this friday.

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I'm missing my dad so much today. For the last two years he had been fighting leukemia. He did to go into remission the first time very quickly but then it came back in January of 2018. We knew his health  was getting bad because he could hardly want to the bathroom without feeling so tired. My mom  came out of the bedroom and found my dad laying on the floor not responding but breathing. Once we got to the hospital we had found out he had a massive brain hemorrhage. He passed away peacefully hours later at 12:07 a.m. on 3/8/2019. I never seen anybody pass away and when he took his last breath I bolted out of the room screaming as i walked down the hall.. lately i don't want to really talk to anyone and when i do, they mention that he's no longer suffering and i knew it wasn't going to be much longer before he passed. I agree but it wasn't supposed to happen like this.. 

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I'm sorry for your loss...my mom had leukemia too but they didn't treat it because she had advanced Dementia.  By the time she went it was a release for her...for us, the missing her continues, it's been 4 1/2 years although it doesn't seem that long ago.

No matter what anyone says to you, it doesn't seem to help or relieve your grief, you are missing your dad and we all wish we could have them back.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you for the kind words. I know everyone means well, but at the same time, i just want to be left alone.. i miss him so much and i don't know when I'll be okay again. 🙁

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I read this about grief, "It's not at all unusual for people to prefer to grieve in private. It's also often difficult to be with people who want you to behave or grieve in a certain way ..." so it's not uncommon to feel this way.  I didn't want to be alone when I lost my husband, I wanted to talk with someone but they all disappeared...however we are feeling, it's good to honor it and do our grieving our way, whatever makes us most comfortable.  We're unique beings so it's not unusual that we handle our grief uniquely.

One thing I have noticed, with profound grief it doesn't seem we return to being as we were, but grief leaves us changed in some ways.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, we have an awareness and our perspective is different, also it's common to no longer fear death (after all, we now have someone to greet us on the other side!).  Take care of yourself and be patient and understanding of yourself.

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18 hours ago, Kayla82 said:

i miss him so much and i don't know when I'll be okay again.

My dear, if "being okay" again means never missing your dad, I am here to tell you that we never stop missing the loved one who has died ~ just as we never stop loving that person. So in that sense, you'll never "be okay" with the fact that your dad is no longer physically here with you ~ but in time you will find ways to remember him and to carry his love with you always. Death may have ended your father's life here on earth, but the love you shared with him ~ and the love for him that you now carry in your heart ~ is forever. ♥️

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Thank you both for the kind words. I can't look at dad's picture without crying now. I didn't have that problem when he first passed away. 🙁

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Those tears are there because they need to be shed, Kayla. Let them come, and consider them as yet another testament to your love for your dad. ♥️

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On 3/27/2019 at 1:33 PM, Kayla82 said:

I'm missing my dad so much today. For the last two years he had been fighting leukemia. He did to go into remission the first time very quickly but then it came back in January of 2018. We knew his health  was getting bad because he could hardly want to the bathroom without feeling so tired. My mom  came out of the bedroom and found my dad laying on the floor not responding but breathing. Once we got to the hospital we had found out he had a massive brain hemorrhage. He passed away peacefully hours later at 12:07 a.m. on 3/8/2019. I never seen anybody pass away and when he took his last breath I bolted out of the room screaming as i walked down the hall.. lately i don't want to really talk to anyone and when i do, they mention that he's no longer suffering and i knew it wasn't going to be much longer before he passed. I agree but it wasn't supposed to happen like this.. 

11 years ago, I watched my Mom take her last breath.  She was the first person I had seen die.  I understand the shock of it.  People say weird things thinking they are trying to help you but they are really just comforting themselves.  It's probably what other people have told them.  Unfortunately, there is much that is not in our control and bed things happen.  It took me awhile to get that image out of my head.  I hope you have a grief counselor or trusted friend who can listen and help you to deal with this.  My prayers are for you, Kayla.  {{{ HUGS }}} - Shalom

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I have my best friend who lives in michigan i called him the other night and broke down and cried. Today we had to put my mom and dad's cat down,he was old and in pain.. i just hope the rest of the year goes better..

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7 hours ago, Kayla82 said:

i just hope the rest of the year goes better..

I hope so too, Kayla.  I'm sorry for your loss and then on top of it to have to lose the cat too.  :(

 

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Thank you kayc it's been a rough couple of weeks but i know things will be okay in time..

This was dad towards the end.. i miss him so much. It's not fair you know?  Sunday will be 2 years that he was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.. 😭 

20190201_133556.jpg

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:wub:  It is hard.  Some of these dates are etched into our brain as a pivotal moment in time where everything changed for us.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers Sunday...

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I get that!  When my husband died, I created a huge collage/memorial for his funeral, then put it up in my bedroom.  I put his pictures up, took them down, over and over until finally they were up to stay. Do whichever brings you comfort and it can change from time to time.  :wub:

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