The Struggle

[shubom]

Mother’s Day was really hard. At first I was ok. I had nice dreams about my mom the night before, so it made me feel ok. Then I went to Church and that was helpful too. I took some flowers to her gravesite. I bought her a balloon and a windmill. On my way home I decided to make my favorite dish that she’d always cook for me. I’ve never cooked it before, but I’d always watch and help her. I went to the store and got all the ingredients and then went home to make it. I got everything just right, except for the rice. Ugh…..my happiness/eagerness turned drastically into sadness, as I got so depressed. The first batch was too hard, and when I added water, it got too soft! The second batch was burnt. I started crying, I just wanted to give up ! I tried so hard to remember how she taught me to cook it. I then calmed down enough to hear her voice guiding me, and then finally it came out right ! It tasted like hers and I just cried. I felt the impact of my mom not being there, and I couldn’t get out of it. I was dragging all day, and later that evening, we took my aunt and grandmother out for Mother’s Day. The whole time, I just had this smirk on my face. I was really snappy, and was ANGRY at the WORLD !!! Why did my mom have to die ! I felt like a black hole sucking in all the positive energy in the restaurant and throwing out negative energy (like LEAVE ME ALONE). I wanted to just run and hide!

I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I finally told myself this has to STOP !

I told myself that my aunt and grandmother have been helpful towards me, and that the WORLD or them had nothing to do with her death. And that I needed to be thankful that at least I have them to take out to dinner for Mother’s Day. Instead of dealing with it alone. It was hard and I struggled, but finally I was able to lighten up and come to a neutral state, where I could at least laugh and smile. It was hard ! I miss my mom soooooo much !!!

[Vero]

It was my first Mother's Day without my mom yesterday and it was really hard. Actually, the whole week leading to Mother's Day was even worse than the actual day ... But I did something really nice to make me feel closer to her. My mom loved gardening and she loved butterflies so I created a small butterfly garden in the front of my house a few weeks ago, and yesterday, with the help of my husband, we added a few more plants that attract butterflies in the garden. I also tried to remember silly things my mom used to do and that would make me laugh. Butterflies are coming to my small garden everyday and I know my mom sees it from where she is and I know she enjoys it too. I lost my mom to cancer this past March. Its been true hell on earch since she's been gone and like you, I feel sooo sad, sooo angry and just don't understand why my mom had to die. But dying is part of life and I have to figure out how to keep on living with this huge loss. Just remember that when you feel really really sad and angry, that there are so many other people like you, like us, that are going thru the same thing. We are never alone. Hope you feel better today (im doing better today).

[MartyT]

Shubom said, It was hard and I struggled, but finally I was able to lighten up and come to a neutral state, where I could at least laugh and smile. It was hard !

Vero said, It was my first Mother's Day without my mom yesterday and it was really hard. Actually, the whole week leading to Mother's Day was even worse than the actual day ... But I did something really nice to make me feel closer to her.

I just want to congratulate both of you, and to say that I am very proud of you. You each made a conscious effort to rise above what you were feeling and to behave in a manner different from what you were feeling -- until your feeling state changed somewhat to match more closely how you were acting. There is a lesson here: you do have some measure of control over how you are feeling at any given moment, perhaps more than you ever realized. I don't for a moment mean to imply that this is easy. As you already know, it takes enormous effort and great courage, but it can be done. You both are discovering that you can learn to manage your grief instead of letting it manage you. Good for you!

[shell]

Marty,

I've never heard it put that way before, "to manage your grief instead of letting it manage you". That is a wonderful way to put it and something to remember when I feel out of control with my feelings. Thanks for sharing that.

I too am proud of both Shubom and Vero, for finding the strength to turn a negative into a positive. Good work, girls.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Mom's Day wasn't as hard as I had feared.

I listened to polka music in the morning. (Maylissa made me. ) But seriously, when I was a kid, Mom used to listen to polka music on the radio before all of us went to Mass. It was nice, kind of reminded me of those times.

I also gardened (indoor). I transplanted some of the plants of hers that I took from the old house. Later I wet to the cemetary to visit her and Dad. The plants I put in there last Wednesday are doing great. Flowers blooming and they look happy.

I am happy that shubom and vero had their negative thoughts crowded out by nicer ones. To me that's a sign of healing, when that kind of thinking starts to reasssert itself.

[FUNNYFACE]

I too went through my first Mother's Day without my Mom....she died in Sept. It too was easier than I thought it would be...I took flowers to the cemetary 4 days before so that my Mother's Day would not be over shadowed by going to the cemetery. My husband had a dozen white roses and 3 red roses here for me at home...He said that the red ones represented the 3 mothers that were gone: mine, his and our daughter-in-laws. My son and his wife came from there home in Flagstaff AZ and we had a great week-end.....after they left for home I felt a urge to take one of the red roses out to the cemetery for my Mom....which I did.....and to my surprise.....it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have been in a "Daughters without Mothers" session at HOV here in Phoenix and I feel it was really helped. One thing that I wish would happen that would ease my mind would be if I got some kind of a sign that my Mom was with my Dad and they were ok...I know that seems nutty but it sure would make things easier for me.

I feel that I have survived a giant step on my way to recovery.....don't get me wrong ...I missed her terribly but the pain wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.....

Funnyface

[Vero]

Today, I am not doing really good, started last night. Just came over me for no reason at all. Just been crying my eyes out. Had to sit in my car in the parking lot at work for a good 15 minutes before I could be somewhat presentable to come in to work this morning. ughhhhh, it sucks. Although the replies to my post were great and made me feel so much better about myself, today I just don't want to see or talk or deal with anyone. Im really tired, could not sleep really well last night, im really upset but mostly really mad. It's just so unfair that I have don't have my mom anymore. She was going to retire in just over one year, she was going to come and spend more time with me in FL (she lived in Canada), I was going to have babies and she was going to come and help me out, we had so many plans and now ... well ... no more plans ... I don't even want to have kids anymore. What's the point? My precious mom is not here anymore. She was so happy, had a great relationship, a great house, she was taking painting classes and had 5 grandkids that kept her really happy and really busy in Canada. She came to visit every winter in FL and was just sooooo happy,and then one day, she got sick, and died 4 days later. We had no clue she had cancer, we found out the day that she died. It was a very aggressive cancer, it was in her lungs (never smoked) and in her liver. I wish I could have one more day with her, one more hour, one more minute. I still needed her and I want to tell her so many things. She was my best friend.

[KathyD]

Vero,

I can completely relate to your feelings about not wanting to see, talk, etc. after an emotional wave hits you. I find that one minute I'm "fine" then for no reason I break down into sobs. I used to like to chat with people and listen to what was going on in their lives but since my Dad died in March I can't seem to deal with any other than a select few. It angers me when friends go on about petty things when I'm trying to cope with the loss of my best friend. They call to tell me they have a sore shoulder, that they need my help with a computer problem and I want to yell at them and tell them a sore shoulder is NOTHING compared to what we are all coping with.

I've had other anger issues too. Three months ago my Dad was playing golf in Florida, planning on a trip to see my brother after a stem cell transplant and his doctors said he was in great health (he looked it). Then BOOM he's in the ICU and two days later he's gone. I'm angry at the doctors, angry that someone so alive and vital had to go while my 94 year old senile grandmother is still around. That sounds awful since I do love her, but Dad loved life and Grandma can't remember where she is anymore. I wish every day that it been me instead of him. I try to remind myself that there is nothing I can do now except embrace the memories but when the memories are so recent it's difficult.

This tirade of mine probably doesn't help but I guess I wanted you to know that I could relate to everything you wrote. You're not alone here, even if you feel like it on the inside (I do).

Kathy

[shell]

Vero and Kathy,

I, too, can relate to your feelings. It's been over a year since my dad died (and very unexpectedly) and I still have really bad days. I hate to plan anything because I'm afraid I'll just start crying somewhere! It's normal to not want to be around anyone when your feeling lousy. I also get irritated when people whine to me about trivial things. It's like they don't even remember that someone died, or they think because it was your parent and they were "old", well, that's normal. That is one question I HATE when you tell someone your parent has died...."How old were they?" I just want to scream, "What difference does it make?" Anyway, people are insensitive, to say the least. So we can all hibernate, as much as possible, until we feel like facing the world.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

[Paul S]

Yep, same here about people and their trivial pursuits. It seems as if my family has moved on and I am the only one who's world was ripped apart by Mom's death.

Of course, they may be grieving in their own way, but it seems as if its just a blip on their radar screen, while I am tracking Hurricanes like Katrina and Rita.

Oh, well, to grieve a lot means you have loved a lot.

[KathyD]

Hi everyone,

Having a very bad day here that has been the worst since Dad died less than two months ago. I think that I was sort of robotic after his death and since I was used to not seeing him for a month or so (he and Mom took a lot of trips) now that I'm nearing the two month mark everything is crashing down on me. All I've been doing is crying and I'm afraid that I'm sinking into a depression...I have a long history of the disease so it's not unlikely. I have been able for the past 6 weeks to look at things in my condo that remind me of Dad without losing it but today that dam burst. I bought a pair of shorts in Wisconsin this past January and when I looked down at the logo I lost it completely because Dad was there when I purchased them. I know this probably sounds silly or trivial because I'm not dealing with what most of you are - I'm not working due to the depression and although I've managed to keep myself together when talking to close friends I can't anymore. I've just suddenly become both upset and angry and don't know if it's a delayed reaction. My uncle (my Dad's sister's husband) sent a message asking how my romantic life, work life, etc., have been going and I wanted to scream that I can't do any of that right now and am so mad that he could think that I could resume a normal life this soon. I don't know if any of you have had this sort of "delayed" response - I was a wreck after Dad died but put myself on autopilot whenever I wasn't crying. Now it seems that the autopilot has gone on the fritz.

I have considered counseling but to me it's too soon, the grief is still not completely recognized for me to benefit from any advice (I've read through a lot of books dealing with grief and have studied psychology for a long time so most therapists haven't been helpful in the past). I guess I just want to know if this sudden downward spiral is common or if anyone has had similar experiences? I was completely overcome by an overwhelming sadness today that was unexpected, especially since I've lived with depression for 15 years.

Sorry to vent! I've been trying my best to exercise, talk to friends, etc., but it gets harder by the day. The week I learned that Dad died I slashed my wrists up because I was in so much agony and although I have no desire to do that again similar feelings have emerged.

Thanks for listening/reading,

Kathy

[shell]

Kathy,

First, nothing you say here is silly. We have all broken down over things that seemed "silly". And never apologize for venting. This is the place to do it! And, yes, the downward spiral is normal. You are so numb and in such shock after someone dies that you are, as you so aptly described it, on auto-pilot. There are actually many days I wish I was back to that period of grief. But, unfortunately, that goes away and then the feelings and emotions hit hard.

I have suffered from anxiety problems most of my life and had "controlled" it on my own (although it did limit parts of my life, like traveling and stuff) after overcoming agoraphobia (due to anxiety attacks) for about 25 years. When my dad was sick (he was at home with Hospice care) I took care of him and my mom and the house and all the details and then, about two or three weeks after he died, I fell apart and went into a week and half long anxiety attack. I finally called my doctor, who, bless his heart, understood completely and put me on meds. I'm still on them and may be for the rest of my life. So, the crash is normal, and you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. I think with your history of depression, you already have a pretty clear picture of your feelings, as far as that goes. Which is really an advantage, as you know you have depression problems and can do something about it. Some people aren't aware, or won't believe, they are depressed. The main thing is to remember that these feelings are normal and they will come and go in intensity, so some days, or even hours, will be better than others.

Hang in there and take care of yourself,

Hugs,

Shell