Losing My Mum

[Emi&Oza]

My adopted mother passed away on Sunday the 8th of April 2019. Her cancer had come back for the third time and very quickly spread to her spine and the doctors gave her weeks to live. I heard the news and immediately made plans to come up as soon as I could but she died the next day peacefully in her sleep at 2am. I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

 

She may not have been my biological mother but I don’t care she meant the most to me more than anyone else in the world I know. She was the strongest most resilient woman I knew yet the kindest and sweetest at the same time. Her cancer first arrived and she had several terrible operations and treatments to get rid of it and they worked but at a high price, the second time it came around was in a smaller form this last October of 2018. She didn’t want to even tell me because she knew I’d be devastated, and I remember clear as day I had received amazing news and was delighted with myself as she sat and congratulated me while hiding a horrible secret. I eventually found out however and our bond grew and she had it removed fairly simply. But just this last week it returned in her lungs and spread to her spine killing her as she finally lost the fight after three rounds in the ring so to speak. 

 

She helped me through the hardest most confusing hormonal and painful time of my own life and pregnancy using her experience to guide me and reassure me everything I was feeling was normal, we joked and cried together, did everything together, she also helped me to realise I had feelings for the person I am currently engaged to and due to marry. She did everything a mother would have done for me in my life in half the time. And all that whilst having illness and demons of her own that far outshadowed mine, and I wasn’t even her biological child even if by almost every meaning of the word I was hers. I can’t stress enough the amount of things she has done for people helping them and now donated her body to cancer research as well. Not only being an amazingly talented singer and pianist serenading me when I was down always picking me up with her bubbly personality. She’d always doubt herself and say she want good enough and I’d scream and shout to the heavens how amazing she was until she conceded with a giggle and accepted she might just be okay.

 

But now, that’s gone...the most beautiful soul I’ve had the honour of being able to call my mother has been taken from me and the family. And I don’t know how I can move on when I’m still so in love with her and everything about her, just so many things she didn’t get to do and I can’t see her do and be happy...I don’t feel anything now I just sit here shaking and shaking and getting angrier then sadder and crying and fine and loop and it’s endless I can’t just be calm even now the cycle in my head and body round and round it never stops it’s like I can’t function without her I don’t know what to do. The last thing she said to me before she died was “Don’t be sad, I will die the happiest woman on earth who finally found true love” and that helps to a degree, but still not enough to fill this black hole of feelings inside me from my own past that she kept for me in check and controlled which is just raging and raging and I can’t stop it...I can’t do anything now other than think about her and how i just want her to hold me again and say “I love you heaps ya know” like she always would

 

Miss you forever mum...hopefully I’ll see you again one day, god do I hope so.

[kayc]

It sounds like your mom lived life the way the rest of us hope to...giving meaning to her life, making her life count, spreading love to others and giving selflessly...what a woman!  I am sorry for your loss, it hurts no matter when it occurs and I love that you don't define her by her cancer, but by her life.  She fought the good fight.

Wrap your arms around yourself and say aloud, "I love you heaps ya know"...let it be from her...again.

[Emi&Oza]

What’s worse is that from all the emotion and stress my Epilepsy that hasn’t affected me for four years now has come back and I’ve already had one seizure putting me out for a day. Just don’t know how to move on

[kayc]

I'm sorry...grief does affect us physically too.  When my husband died my feet swelled up like footballs...edema, dangerously bad!  See your doctor, do what they say, what else can we do?!  My daughter broke out in huge boils all over the insides of her thighs, had to go to the doctor, could barely walk at the funeral she was in so much pain.

You're not alone in being affected physically...it hits us each in the way we are physically inclined.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html