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Suddenly lost my baby boy

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On sunday, we came inside from playing- me and my two boxer dogs, Tyson (10) and Goose (4.5), and everything was fine. I was making dinner and went to sit down and I heard Goose cry out. I ran to him and for a second I thought he had gotten choked up on something but as soon as I got there he howled and collapsed into my arms. I grabbed him and dragged him to the carpet to see what was going on. He kicked a few times like he was having a seizure and that was the end. I literally saw the life leave his eyes. I was already on the phone with my husband (at work) and i started screaming at the top of my lungs. I tried to start CPR. I am in the medical field and have run codes a multitude of times, and this was by far the hardest CPR i’ve ever had to do. I remember I started and realized his heart was on the other side and had to flip his lifeless body over. I tried so hard to save him but he was gone. He started agonally breathing for a few seconds and I thought I got him back, but the realized those were just his last few breaths. I am beside myself. He was only 4.5 years old. The vet says he probably had boxer cardiomyopathy- where it’s arrhythmogenic, and the first sign of illness is often sudden death. I can’t stop reliving his last minutes. I can’t stop blaming myself that I couldn’t save him, or that maybe I missed something. I was completely unprepared for this loss and it has taken a toll on me. I was his momma, my two boys take the place of children for us. I miss him so much. I’m so angry at myself that I couldn’t save him. He was so uniquely him, and everywhere I turn his memories are there. My other baby Tyson looks for his brother, his eyes just look sad. I don’t even begin to know where to go from here. I’ve never felt so empty and sad, even after losing other loved ones in my family. The house is so quiet and I just don’t even want to be in it. I feel like the thought of going back to work is too much to bear. I feel so lost as to what to do. 

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I feel your pain and desperation, I totally understand, it's the hardest thing in the world to see our furry children leave this world.  When we feel we should have done something to save them, it's understandable because that was our greatest desire, but it's attributing a power to us that we do not possess...we cannot be totally responsible for life and death that occurs naturally...it FEELS unnatural because he was young and we feel we should have many more years with him...I know because that's how I felt when my husband died just after his 51st birthday.  I asked myself all the "what ifs" and eventually had to let that go..."what if" didn't happen, his death did.  All of the asking "why" was never mine to know, I got no resounding answer.  Eventually I quit asking.

It's the hardest thing in the world to try to adjust to life without someone we love, to accept the unacceptable!  I have no answers, but I feel your pain.

It has been of immense help to me that I believe they are not just "gone" when they die, that their spirit continues and my hope is to be with those I love again...we found each other once, we will again.

It may not be exactly as portrayed here, but just perhaps it does...so much we don't know about the hereafter, I hope it brings you comfort to ponder it. I am so sorry for your loss.


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I want to add this article as it may help you in dealing with your other dog's grief:

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