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Loss of twin sister

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I lost my twin sister on 7th of December 2018, it would of been our 62nd birthday on the 25(Christmas day) . I am lost with out her, is there anyone out there that lives on the north shore of Auckland or any one I can talk to who has dealt with this because I'm having a really hard time.

sincerly Sandra 

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I'm so sorry for your loss, dear one, and my heart reaches out to you in your sorrow. Death of a sibling is so painful, and even more so when it is your twin. Although I don't know what is available to you in your Auckland area (you might contact your local hospice or mortuary to find out), I can point you to a number of online resources that you may find helpful. See, for example, Sibling Loss: When Grief Goes Unacknowledged ~ including the additional articles and resources listed at the base. See also this page, which includes some links specifically focused on coping with the death of a twin: Death of A Sibling or Twin.

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I'm so sorry, I lost my oldest sister a year ago, and while I realize it's not the same as a twin, still, it's hard.  I think of something funny to share with her and then remember, I can't.  I miss getting together and taking her out (she was quadriplegic).  It feels like she was the glue that held our family together as we all rallied to give her something to look forward to and let her know how much we loved and cared for her.

Cancer, the word that sends terror through us.

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I just lost my twin sister on November 6 of this year. I went by her house and to visit and couldn’t get her to answer the door so I was worried. I found a window unlocked and crawled through it into her house. I expected to find her sleeping in her bed. I was not prepared for what I found. I found my twin sister slumped backwards in her kitchen chair dead. She was 46 years old. I am so overcome with grief, sadness, emptiness, loss, guilt, regret...........I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. It is so overwhelming that at times I don’t think I’m going to make it. And each day it gets harder. I have to sons. Gage is 17 and nate is 11. If not for them, I think I would of already given in and ended this pain. But I could never do that to them or my family. So I’m just here, stuck. A part of me died when I found her. And I have no idea how to cope with this much pain. 

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@MegDeLine  Sometimes I feel the same...but it's up to us to find the way.  It can feel overwhelming and we get exhausted, so tired.  We need something to look forward to!  Yes it's hard, hang in there for your kids, they need you, I know you know that already.  And you don't want to hurt your family.  My life changed nearly 15 years ago when my sweet husband, my soulmate, my best friend, died of a heart attack, he'd just turned 51 and I never expected it.  46 is so young to die.  I'm so sorry.  My husband was the only one who loved me like he did, who got me, understood me, and I imagine you feel that way with your twin sister too.  You were there for each other all your life and you don't know how to do life without her.  I know how to "do life" without my George, but I don't always relish it much...it's like life went from living color to black and white, on top of that, my dog died (cancer) four months ago and the life we'd built together is now gone.

I hope you are getting grief counseling and consider attending grief support group...it helps to know others going through it and that this is a normal part of the grief process.  It helps to know that everything you are feeling is normal in grief.  And it's not so much that we don't want to live as we don't want to go through what we know we have to go through and feel overwhelmed at times and...it's just hard.  

I wrote this article about ten years after my George passed, of the things I've found helpful, I hope something in it is of help to you either now or on down the road.  Keep coming here, pour your feelings out, it helps not to bottle them up.  We get it.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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My dear, I am so sorry to learn of this untimely death, and I cannot imagine how traumatic it must have been to find your beloved twin sister as you've described. You don't say what caused her death, but your post hints that you've considered suicide yourself as a way to end this pain. Please know that such thoughts are not at all unusual in situations such as yours. (See, for example, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief.)

The advice that Kay has shared is the same that I would offer: Get yourself to a qualified grief counselor who can support you as you find a way to navigate your way through this unspeakable loss ~ and do some reading about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, so you'll feel less "crazy" and alone in the face of it, and you'll learn what you can do to cope with it. You'll find links to all sorts of topics listed on these pages: Marty's Articles and Voices of Experience❤️

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