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My Sister Never Told Me How Sick She Was.


gigi

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I live 5000 miles from my family and would visit once a year for a few months at a time. I never thought my big sister, who was also my friend and second mom would be the first our family would lose. I was always so close to her even though many miles seperated us! She helped to raise the younger kids (including me) when my dad left my mom so many years ago. My sister never experienced a normal teenage life. All my life I thanked her in so many ways for her sacrifice. But, words cannot express the immense loss I feel in my soul. My mom recently told me that my sister was told last year that her kidney and liver was failing. I knew she had diabetes, heart problems and acute bronchitis but organ failure? I also only now was told by my mom that she had contracted hiv and hepatitis c. Both from her druggie husband. My sister always hoped her husband would change. She never knew how sick he was and was never told. My mom knew my sister's condition and I wish she told me! I would have spent every waking moment with my sister to help make her life easier. I feel abandoned and wish I was told how sick she was. I knew Gina wasn't her usual bubbly self and now that I look back on the last time I saw her I'm feeling guilty for not seeing how sick she was and wondering if I could have helped her. I took care of all the arrangements for Gina. I could not let my mom handle any of it. Although I lost my sister, she buried a child. I pray for her every day, her health is not good and I will be returning soon to take care of her. Has anyone else out there not been told that a loved one was gravely ill? How do you deal with the emotions and the profund sadness that finds me on my knees crying????????

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  • 1 month later...

When I lost my brother 3 years ago, there was no way that we could know it would happen, so I cannot relate to the loss of a "sibling" the way that you lost your sister. However, a year and a day before I lost my brother, I lost a very close friend that was like a second father to me. I was not there when he died. I did not know that he was dying, but everyone else knew. I know that he did not want me to know. He did not want me to worry. I was in college having a great time while he was dying. I feel horrible, guilty, superficial and feel that I somehow betrayed him. If I were dying, he would have been by my side 24/7. I'm not angry with him - for some reason I have never been angry with him. What made it worse was that the way I was "told" was that I was on my way there (the night he died) b/c I knew he was home from the hospital. Mom called me and said that he already died and that was it. Don't come, he already died. I find comfort in the fact that it gave him comfort that I didn't know. I know that it gave him comfort to "take care of me" even when he was facing death. This makes me love him even more - to know how much he wanted to protect me even when he was going through terrible pain and fear. I think that it helped him more knowing that he was able to protect me. If I had been there, I know that I would have cried and worried and no matter how much I would have tried to hide my sorrow, he would have known. I don't know that saying goodbye would have helped b/c I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother either. I know this - saying goodbye would not take away the longing that I feel for one more day or one more minute with my brother. I wasn't there when he died and I wasn't there to keep my other brother from finding him and living with that for the rest of his life. I am angry at my mother and others for not telling me how sick my friend was, but I know that they did it b/c he didn't want me to know and I know why. I hope this helps a little.

Amy

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  • 1 month later...

I understand what you are feeling feeling like someone took away your opportunity to be with them even at the final second. My brother died May 28, 2006 from a motorcycle accident hanging out at a memorial day barbeque with his friends. The police came to my moms house at 8pm and told her, at that time he was already taken to the medical examiners office and none of us was allowed to see him considering the circumstances. I live across the street from my mom and came over as soon as my dad called me. It all felt so confusing. He was just at the house that morning and now they say he was dead. I was so confused and hurt. My brother's girlfriend who had been at the party with him showed up around 9 or 10 and she said that after he had been missing from the party for a couple hours and she wanted to go home, her friend took her out to look for him and they found him dead with the police blocking the area off. Later I found out that it wasn't true. I foudn out that the house was around the block from where he died and he was out there with soem people from the party, which meant she new when it happened. I felt like she deprived us, his family of the opportunity to be their for him. To come and get him, to hold him for one more second.

I try to tell myself that they are tryig to save you the pain of the issue, of your sister being so sick and possibly dying. Your mom wanted to protect you from that because that's what mom's do. They protect their kids from the nasty truth of the world to keep any pain they can from their heart. Maybe to his girlfriend she was sparing us this, but for me she took it away. When I go to where he died inside I feel like he is still their waiting for one of us to come because we never showed up. He died and nobody even came for him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all for reading and answering my post. Although it has been almost five months since my sister Gina passed away, it feels like yesterday! Most times I think I'm okay until I hear or see a song, a television show or the sound of a laughter that reminds me of hers'. Then the tears flow like Niagara Falls all over again. It does not matter where I am at the moment grief hits there's no way to stop the flow of tears!! I cannot believe that she is gone in the physical sense. At times I find myself wondering, how can the sun still shine? The rain still fall? The birds still sing? Was my sister's death so insignificant that the world still exist as before for so many others? I know it's my grief that brings these thoughts to my mind, if only for a short while. My mom has been hit the hardest of all and I pray to God that she suffers no other losses. I tell all my siblings to please take care of yourselves that mom would not survive losing another child. She is in fragile health herself and I pray for her to receive the strength necessary in trying to cope with her massive loss. I will be returning home soon to spend more time with her.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Gigi,

I wanted to write to you after reading your post, First of all I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. The second thing is that you said it has been five months since your sister's death that is still very new and you are normal for feeling what you do... I will pray for you and ask God to give you the strength to can on your grief journey take care Shelley

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