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Coping w/lost of my best friend & fiancé


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Hello - It has been nine months since I lost my best friend/fiance. So much reminds me of him. He was the one I turned to for advice, explore the world, have debates on various topics, laugh, cry....He was a big part of my life. I know it will take time to get pass this point. What I want to know is how. When do you stop feeling sad, empty. Do anyone know?

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On 4/20/2019 at 8:43 PM, Nika said:

I know it will take time to get pass this point. What I want to know is how. When do you stop feeling sad, empty.

My dear, I'm afraid you'll never get past the point of feeling sad and empty at the loss of your best friend/fiance ~ but that does not mean that you will not survive it. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone. All we can promise is that the pain of loss will soften over time, and it won't always feel the same as it feels today. But it takes more than the passage of time to find your way through this grief of yours. It takes determination and work. It helps tremendously to be among others whose loss is similar to your own, because we share some understanding of what you may be feeling and why. You are with kindred spirits here, and we will be here to offer you information, comfort and support. The more you learn about what is normal in grief, the better prepared you are to understand and accept your own reactions, which helps you to feel less "crazy" and alone. See, for example,

Resources for Young Widow[er]s

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

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52 minutes ago, MartyT said:

it won't always feel the same as it feels today
It takes determination and work.

Two important points to remember.  I want to first say how sorry I am that you lost your fiance.  What you describe is how I felt about my husband, he was everything to me, I didn't know how to do life without him.

The best advice I got was to take a day at a time, anything more than that was too much.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, the things I'd learned that I found helpful...some may speak to you today, some tomorrow, some may not feel applicable to you, but I hope something in here is of use to you.  Sending you hugs...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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