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Mom's Gone


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My mom died of cancer after 7 years of fighting on september 23, 2003. i am 22 years old and i have lost everything that was normal. i miss my mom so very much, she was my very best friend. i just need someone to talk to that understands. i feel so alone. i am a Christian and that helps a lot but i literally don't have anyone, my dad had to move away, my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 1 week after the funeral and my friends are too into college and partying. i feel like i have been robbed. i don't know who to grieve over, my aching heart from lossing my boyfriend, or my best friend, comforter, and inspiration-mom. i feel like i don't cry enough, no one wants to hear about my problems and i have lost several close "friends" because they feel like i complain too much. I just don't know what to do, i am trying to move on but i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. i need her now more than ever! she would give me advice and would genuinly listen to me. all i ever want to do is just read and be alone, when i used to be a people person, i used to run 2 miles a day and always be outdoors, but now i don't care about health or anything. i just read the Bible and pray. i hope someone can relate and give me comfort, i just need a friend. thanks.-natalie

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I TO LOST MY MOTHER IN SEPTEMBER IT WAS ON THE 26TH 2003. I LIKE YOU AM VERY LOST THE HOLIDAYS ARE VERY HARD BECAUSE OF HER DEATH . I HAVE TWO KIDS A 8YROLD BOY AND 3YR OLD GIRL. AND A GREAT HUSBAND. BUT ALL OF THAT IT IS HARD TO FEEL THE VOID OF MY MOTHERS DEATH. LIKE YOU I'AM TO A CHRISTEN. AND GOD HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME. I'AM 29 YRS OLD AND I TWO FELT TO YOUNG TO HAVE TO BURY MY 51 OLD MOTHER. I WILL HAVE YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND JUST KEEP TRUSTING IN THE LORD TO GET YOU THOUGH. I HAD TO GO TO A CLOSE FRIENDS FUNRAL LAST WEEK AND THE PREACHER SAID WEEPING ONLY LAST FOR THE NIGHT AND JOY WILL COME IN THE MORNING WE HAVE TO HOLD ON TO THINGS LIKE THAT.GOD BLESS AMY

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Natalie,

I understand your feelings completely. Many of them are mine too as my mom died in Dec. 2003. I miss her even more than I thought I would. And, yes, well-meaning 'friends' can drop from sight when they think you aren't 'moving on' as you should. Grieving today isn't as accepted as it once was. But some of us still have the need to grieve.

Our moms are so special to us. Mine was so much more than 'just mom' too. She was *always* there for me no matter what and I, too, am all alone now. I wish I had some wise words to comfort you but am seeking them myself. I am here though - listening and sending good thougths and prayers to you.

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My dear Natalie,

I’m so very sorry that, at the tender age of 22, you are mourning the death of your beloved mother, your “very best friend, comforter and inspiration-mom.”

As if that were not enough, you’re also mourning the death of your relationship with your boyfriend of nearly four years.

We can only imagine how alone, how lost, how bewildered, how abandoned you must feel.

You say that although your mom died three months ago, it is only now that you have started grieving. You may feel very “crazy” and out of control at times, wondering what is wrong and why you would be “falling apart” now, three months later.

I want to assure you that what you’re experiencing is normal – because it is when that initial shock and numbness wears off that the full force of our grief hits us, and usually it takes about three months for that to happen. Some believe that this is simply Nature’s way of cushioning us from that initial blow – the loss is so devastating, so enormous that it is simply too much for us to take in all at once, and so we experience a certain numbness, as if we’re walking around in a fog, operating on “automatic pilot.”

But eventually the reality and the enormity of what we’ve lost begins to sink in, and then we feel as if we’ve been hit by a truck – it’s as if we’re experiencing the death all over again, but even more intensely than before. Unfortunately, until this happens your friends and classmates may have been operating under the assumption that you were doing fine, “handling things so well,” praising you for being so “strong” in the face of such devastating loss.

It helps so much to know what normal grief looks like and feels like, Natalie, because then you know what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. Then you can plan for those reactions and learn some practical ways to manage them – which in turn leaves you feeling less “crazy” and much more in control. If you haven't already done so, I hope you’ll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com . Once there, take the time to visit each of the pages listed at the bottom of the Home Page, most especially the Articles and Books page, at http://www.griefhealing/columnsbooks.htm , the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page, at http://www.griefhealing/Grievinghearts.htm and the Links: Bereavement and Loss Sites page, at http://www.griefhealing/HumanLossLinks.htm . Once on the Links page, scroll down to the category labeled DEATH OF A PARENT and follow some of those links. See also the links listed under DEATH OF A RELATIONSHIP. Scroll even further down the Links page until you come to ARTICLES BY MARTY and click on any one of those titles to learn more about the grieving process. Such information assures you that what you are experiencing is normal (even predictable) and gives you hope that, if others can survive such pain, you will find a way to survive it, too. I’ve also written an on-line e-mail course on grief; you can read more about it at http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/firs..._of_grief.shtml

Like everyone else out there who is reading this, I am so gratified to know that some way, somehow you have found your way to this warm, caring and supportive place, because I know that here you will find some of the comfort, compassion and friendship you so desperately need and deserve right now. None of us can take away your pain at this sad and difficult time in your young life, Natalie – but we can assure you that you need not endure it all by yourself.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 3 weeks later...

First, I would like to say how terribly sorry I am about your loss and that I along with all the others here understand what you are going through. I lost my mom on December 8, 2003. I like you feel that I am too young to be going through this situation (I am 24). Watching my mother die was the single most horrible event in my life thus far. I feel lost, but I am not alone. I have friends and loved ones to help me through this tough time. A couple of things that I can tell you that helps (at least helps me) is getting out of the house, going anywhere to help me get my mind of my problems (even if it is just for a little while). Another thing that helps is to write your feelings down, whatever seemingly crazy thoughts and feelings you are having at any moment and do not feel comfortable telling anyone write them down.

I try to make sure that I read about what I am going through, which helps me to know that I am not going insane. Some days I feel as though I will make it and I will once again feel normal, then other days the pain is so real and painful that I just don't want to move. I feel lost and emotionally and physically tired. When I begin to feel like this I get out of the house and force myself to get moving.

You are already taking a big step by writing your feelings down here where we can all empathize with you. You are definitely not alone if you feel that this outlet is not working for you go talk to a professional. You are suffering from a great deal of loss (your mom and boyfriend) and it is too much to handle alone. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help, because they can understand what you are going through and provide you with vital information on how to cope with your losses. I found myself going to my Dr because I was suffering from panic attacks after my mom died. Talking about the attacks and realizing that I was not dying, but grieving was obviously very helpful in terms of my health mentally and physically. Hopefully, what I have said helps a little. I wish you all the best of luck. If you ever want to talk I am here to listen.

C.B.

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