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A&K

Hi. It’s been a couple months...

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Hi all.  I’ve not been here since February.  I’m sorry.  Things have been very hectic with Caleb and Ryan.  And I’ve been really “stuck” in this grief and pain.  Suicide of a loved one is so tough.  I’m really struggling.  I am suffering with PTSD my therapist says.  I have been trying so very hard to just be the best Momma to the boys that I can possibly be and I fear on a daily basis that I am not living up to that.  😢  And I miss my lost children so much too.  So much that I am paranoid something will happen to Caleb and Ryan too.  I would not survive should that happen.  

Im just really struggling.  I feel so alone...

Katie

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I hope it helps a bit to know that, although it feels as if you are alone, Katie, we are here and we are listening. You are a precious member of this "tribe," and you are being held in gentle thought and prayer. You are a devoted mother to all of your children: to Caleb and Ryan and to the angels you have lost, too. 

Image result for thinking of you with prayers

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Katie, it's so good to see you signed in again, you've been in my thoughts a lot lately.  I'm glad you have Caleb and Ryan, and your folks too.  I know this is a long haul, we don't get over death/loss, can only hope to learn to live with it as best as we can.  (((hugs)))

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8 hours ago, A&K said:

Hi all.  I’ve not been here since February.  I’m sorry. 

I’m really struggling.  I am suffering with PTSD my therapist says.  I have been trying so very hard to just be the best Momma to the boys that I can possibly be and I fear on a daily basis that I am not living up to that.  😢  And I miss my lost children so much too. 

Im just really struggling.  I feel so alone...

Katie

 Katie: You don't need to apologize about not being on this forum since February.  You are doing what you need to be doing by loving and caring for your children.  I can not begin to imagine what you have been going through, but you are not alone with all the love is felt for you here.  ❤️  You were missed.  We do what we have to do to manage each day, one day at a time.  Hugs, Dee.

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Thank you. 

It feels good to know we are still thought of.  

My boys are the reason I keep getting up each day and keep breathing in and out.  As long as they are breathing I won’t stop and I will keep fighting against this overwhelming grief.  

Katie ❤️

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I'm glad you have a reason to keep going, so many do not.  I'm glad you make that effort for them!  We here love you and are rooting for you, Katie girl!  :wub:  You've shown yourself to be made of the good stuff, you have a strength you may not realize or feel, but I pray it serves you well in life.  For those times we don't feel it, we just keep going anyway, one day at a time.  In those times I wake up and tell myself I can do today.  Tomorrow I'll get up and do the same thing.

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Katie I missed seeing your posts.  I worried about you and your boys.  I'm glad you posted 🙏❤️

I haven't been on very often.  I feel bad that I can not contribute financially and my grief is too much of a drain.

 

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I’m finding it so hard to get up in the morning or sleep at night or eat much.  My anxiety, depression, and grief are utterly overwhelming.  I’m in therapy and on medication.  But still I struggle.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve lost my way.  😢  I don’t want to let my boys down.  But I’m just not that strong.  My heart has so many missing pieces from losing my husband and our children.  Sometimes I find it a real struggle just to breathe in and out.  And I feel so alone in the way I feel.  

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23 minutes ago, A&K said:

I’m finding it so hard to get up in the morning or sleep at night or eat much.  My anxiety, depression, and grief are utterly overwhelming.  I’m in therapy and on medication. 

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve lost my way.  😢  I don’t want to let my boys down.  But I’m just not that strong.  My heart has so many missing pieces from losing my husband and our children. 

And I feel so alone in the way I feel.  

Katie:  Even though you are struggling so much it is a good sign you are still responding on the forum as well as choosing to be in therapy.  You may feel alone, but you have all of us pulling for you as you face each day.  You are strong.  Big hug, Dee.

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Katie you are much stronger than you think.  You have had so much excitement with pregnancies, but then the losses of your babies.  Watching your miracle Gracie growing and being a happy girl was great, I'm crushed that she also passed.  Then the tragic bicycle accident that took Noah away.  The joys of being married have been replaced by questions and despair.  There have been incredibly good things and memories in your last few years that have been crushed by so much loss.

All that pain is huge.  I know you are doing your best for the boys and yourself.  Just try to tell yourself that you are doing the best you can.  No one can be Mom to Caleb and Ryan like you can.  

Sending you hugs and hopes for better days.  All of us on here are definitely cheering for you ❤️

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Katie,

You have been through more than any of us and so young to have to deal with it, and yes, I do think it's harder when you're young, having life's perspective has aided me many times.  To lose so many children and your husband too, it's no wonder you're struggling.  I'm proud of you that you're doing what you can for yourself so you can be a good mom to your boys...and I'm very thankful you have them!

You are one very special gal and all of us here are rooting for you.  Come here any time, we're always here to listen and care.

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On 5/14/2019 at 9:13 PM, A&K said:

I’m finding it so hard to get up in the morning or sleep at night or eat much.  My anxiety, depression, and grief are utterly overwhelming.  I’m in therapy and on medication.  But still I struggle.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve lost my way.  😢  I don’t want to let my boys down.  But I’m just not that strong.  My heart has so many missing pieces from losing my husband and our children.  Sometimes I find it a real struggle just to breathe in and out.  And I feel so alone in the way I feel.  

Katie,

 

You struggle because so much has happened to you and your family and your world is ripped apart.  You are human and none of us could withstand it on our own. Medication and therapy helps.  I and many other people here pray and intercede for you daily.  You are never alone.  I understand the difficulty in just breathing at times as I went through that when my wife died... many others experience this as well.  My Prayers are real simple.. "Lord help me!" God loves you (as his child) just like you love your children. 

I feel so alone in the way I feel too!.  It is a part of this grief.  You are not alone.

Continuing prayers for you Katie. -George   - Shalom  (The Supernatural Peace of God be with you)

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Katie girl, don't ever think any of us forget you.  You, my dear, are thought of probably more often than anyone on here.  We all suffer, but we recognize your suffering also, and we don't forget.  Can never forget.  It is seeing your strength that supplies each of us with faith to take the next step.  

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I wrote to her yesterday, still waiting to hear back, she's been on my mind a lot lately.

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On 7/11/2019 at 9:00 AM, kayc said:

I wrote to her yesterday, still waiting to hear back, she's been on my mind a lot lately.

Have you heard from her? I hope she and kids are ok.

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No, I never heard back.  Funny you should ask, it's the middle of the night and I was just thinking about her.

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Hi everyone.🙋‍♀️

I’m sorry it’s been so long again. Gosh, its a new year, a whole new decade. Is that difficult for anyone else?  I feel like I’ve left people behind 🥺

I am continuing to struggle. My complex grief and complex PTSD is overwhelming and consistent with causing huge bouts of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I can function “ok” with most of it. But the panic attacks are severe at the moment. Nearly daily and multiple times. It’s absolutely exhausting. I hate having that in front of the boys. Caleb especially worried for me. Sometimes I have to go into the ER because the panic is so severe and gripping I can’t get it under control myself. Usually requiring a shot there which I hate but it works quickly. I’m in therapy weekly. I also attend a grief and loss group my therapist facilitates weekly. I don’t know that any of it is helping really. Most days I feel like I’m just going backwards aimlessly. My therapist says all the time that healing is not linear and sometimes it feels like you go back then you jump forward. I don’t know. 😪  I try to trust what she says she sees because she’s trained in this crap and she sees from the outside whereas I’m stuck in the middle inside it all. 

Honestly right now I am definitely on the struggle bus. On one of the most difficult roads I’ve been on in this journey. I’m very tired of it all. These panic attacks are exhausting. They literally make me physically sick. They try to take everything from me. No matter how I try to not let that happen. I keep fighting. It’s just a really hard time. My therapist says I’m in “survival” mode. And survival mode is not meant to be lived in. It’s meant to help you survive something. Not to live in and be on high alert and hyper vigilant 24/7. It’s just that I think I’m waiting for the next thing to happen, the next loss. And my love is not here, there is so much he would be dong that I now have to learn how to do for myself and the boys and it’s difficult. It causes panic too. Maybe I’ll always have this panic now. 🥺

Hope everyone is well. And if not I pray for whatever is needed in your life. Have a happy new year. ❤️

-Katie

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I am so sorry, Katie.  My daughter has been in survival mode for almost three years, I'll be glad if/when she get some normalcy again...you're right, survival mode is not meant to stay in for long periods of time.  I'll be glad when these anxiety attacks go away for you...I used to get them, no fun!  Do they have you on any medication to try to regulate your anxiety?  I'll probably never be w/o anxiety meds, on Buspirone (Buspar).  No seeming side effects that I can see.  

It is good to hear from you, I tried contacting you a few months ago but don't recall hearing back from you so figured you wanted left alone or had nothing new to say, I get that.

Dear sweet Katie, you have all these struggles, yet you pray for us.  I love you, you know that?  You're the sweetest person.  You deserve better than life has handed you but I pray it turns around.  I hope your boys are doing okay, esp. Caleb, he's been through too much in his short life.  I'm glad you have each other.

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So good to hear from you, dear Katie. We hold you and your darlings close and wish for peace and comfort to your broken heart . . . ♥️

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Dearest Katie,

It is nice to hear from you. No need to apologize for not posting. You are busy trying to live this "new" life you have been thrust into. I understand about leaving people behind. It's as if you are watching them recede in the rear view mirror all the while knowing you must continue forward.

I hope one day soon you will be able to see the sunshine again.

Peace to you.

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Katie:  So good to hear you are still able to fight your battles.  You, Katie, have so much to carry on your shoulders.  Please always remember, we are here for you.  Warm New Year wishes and like Karen said, hope "you will be able to see the sunshine again."  Dee

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