One step forward, 3 steps back.

[Nancy636]

I didn't see an introductory topic  so I will jump right in.  It has only been less than a month and a half, I know it takes time. At the end of January this year, my husband said he was going to have a second CT scan, because he had pnemonia. That day my brother took him, it turned out he had a lung biopsy. My brother told me that afternoon. I knew something wasn't right. He had cancer, he couldn't bare to tell me. I told him, he should have told me. I blame that on myself because he knew how I would be. He was trying to spare me in his way. The last text I got from him said, I love you bunches... He ended up having a few Chemo treatments, then they found brain and bone cancer in his neck where he had arthritis, 2 weeks later.. He had horrible headaches for years but had gotten worse over the last 2 years from his arthritic neck. I wonder now. On the 8th he went to hospital, he was having trouble breathing, he got my flu and got pnemonia again he found out in hospital. I stayed away from him and he still got it. He told me it wasn't my fault in texts, no, I don't blame myself, but I stayed away from him and didn't even get to hug him or be near him. He recognized me for a few minutes in ICU, he was so drugged because of the pain. I can't get the memory of him in hospital and his condition out of my head. We had to let him go the 15th. It seemed I was doing pretty good considering, but the last few days it's like I just took many steps back. I try to take it one day at a time, I know where he is and I will see him again, he wrote on a scrap of paper in hospital, it was in his belongings, he knew where he was going and it comforted him. I have been getting anxious again, when I found out he had cancer, it was utter panic. Panic I tried to hide. He was perceptive,  He was so worried about me he also wrote, many times.  We were married 21 years, I am disabled from polio,  he and I were crazy about each other. He told me every day he loved me and I him.  He made me cookies at 4 in the morning a week before he went to hospital. He was restless and he baked.  I am experiencing many different emotions, except for  anger, there is no one to be angry at, maybe myself or Drs that kill his immune system and send him home. I don't know quite what to think of that yet. Maybe anger will come, maybe not.  I knew I was going to lose him, but not so quick and not the way I did. The radiation affected his sight and hearing, it is like he was lost. He was afraid. It rips at my heart. He died on my dads would be 84th birthday and it reminded me of my dads death In a hospital, just different illness. He said Dr was sure he could eliminate it, the cancer. We had agreed years ago, no treatment for cancer if it was futile. We saw what it did to his sister, she died despite the treatment and treatment was devastating to to her. Drs don't say that which I found out the morning the hospital called me and told me of the inevitable. The choice was a respirator, surgery and  some after care home,  possibly with no chance of removal  from respirator or maybe they find a lung full of cancer  or we just let him go. I knew he would not want to live like that. I don't regret that decision.  I thought I had gotten over the worst of it, by that I mean, it hurt but it was starting to get more bearable. but I am not. He is not suffering and that was the worst part of it, seeing him like that. I have to believe it is a normal grief process. I didn't cry everyday, I do now. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I wonder what emotions are next and will I be able to cope with what comes. A day at a time is the way to deal with it,  but so very hard. I have to find a way to go on without him, for him, I owe it to him, but how I don't know. I am learning that some people can't deal with someone who is grieving, I keep trying to be as ok seeming as possible.  I think it reminds them of how fragile life is and it could be them one day. When asked, how are you doing? I say fine  or I am ok and some days I am not fine...Nothing can be said to comfort a person who grieves, but just listening is important. If I missed an instruction thread, I am sorry. 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Nancy636 said:

A day at a time is the way to deal with it,  but so very hard. I have to find a way to go on without him, for him, I owe it to him, but how I don't know.

We are so very sorry for the reasons that brought you here, my dear ~ but pleased that you've found your way to us. You are absolutely right that "a day at a time is the way to deal with it" ~ and yes, it is so very hard. Undoubtedly the hardest work you'll ever do. But when you are here with us, you will find that you are not alone in doing the work of grief. You will find a way to go on, and it will be your own way, no one else's ~ but we will walk with you as you find your way through this loss. There is no instruction thread here, but you will find a wealth of reliable information, comfort and support here as you come to know all of us. Read through some of the many threads you will find in this forum, and know that you are most welcome here. ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I’m positive the gang will be coming along soon.  Or I should say family.  That is what Marty has created here for all of us as we walk thru the devastation of the loss of our spouses/partners.  I lost my husband to cancer also and saw what it and the treatments put him thru.  You may experience anger, you may not.  This is unique to all of us emotionally, yet we understand the root of the pain.  This is all so very new right now, you might be in a shock phase that is protecting you for a bit.  You know it’s real, but it’s lost incomprehensible.  I can only speak for myself but the first few months nothing made sense to me.  I didn’t understand why he was gone although I was the caregiver for 4 years.  I woke up every day expecting to talk to him.  Itbmade ni sense he wasn’t here anymore.  All his things were, where was he?  My point is no matter what you feel or don’t is normal and will be changing as your mind and heart start to thoroughly process what this has done to your life.  I’m not very good at greeting people because It makes me so very sad to see another casualty of nature gone wrong and get stuck in the 'why us?' .  Keep writing as we hear, know and feel it all.  People in the outside will mean well trying to help, but if they haven’t experienced it, they don’t understand.  They can’t.  My unsolicited advice is to remember that because I had so many people saying they did and doing all the wrong things to try and help.   When I got some bearings I could tell them that and tonstop trying to fix something that can’t be.  Also the world is not very patient with grief.  That is another thing you might have to contend with.  Grief has its own time line for each of us.  There is no right or wrong.  This is now your path and there are so many here that will walk it with you.  I’m so sorry you are here,but glad you reached out to others that understand fully.  

[mik]

I am so sorry for your loss. No one here knows what you are going through, we only know what we have experienced and to give support from our own places of loss and grief. This is an amazing place with wonderful individuals who suffer loss and are brave enough to share their pain as well as their wisdom with others. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing others understand and are here for you.

[shebert56]

Nancy, I wanted to send some love and light your way.

What you are feeling is so normal at the beginning.  I'm 8 months in, situation similar to yours (husband had cancer, surgery, treatment, pneumonia, life support, and I let him go).  Way too quick for a lot of us, no time to process.  I walked many days, or many moments, in the disbelief fog.  

I, like you, never had anger, and I'm so blessed for that.  For me there was no point in being angry.  It wasn't healthy to my soul, and Stephen wouldn't have wanted that for me.

I've moved forward, shifted in my grief process.  I am in a place of acceptance, where I can smile and remember my life with Stephen with love and grace and gratitude.  Do I still have moments when grief comes calling?  Of course I do.  As it did last night.  

Come here often, share your grief or simply read.  This is a loving family of connected souls.  We are with you.

Hugs,

Shirley

 

 

[Kieron]

Like others, I am sorry you had reason to join the club no one wants to join.  "One step forward, three steps back" is so very common.  I think someone here called them switchbacks, so that is what I have come to call them, too.  You'll find yourself reviewing and re-covering territory you thought you were done with.  It's just how it is.  I've had a good couple of days due to Spring finally arriving here, but every so often something will remind me, "Oh.  Yeah.  He's not here anymore."  For example, starting up the little waterfall/pond in the backyard that I had professionally started in 2016, and then finished myself with rocks and plants and flowers... I did it for him so he could sit outside and enjoy the sounds, maybe watch the birds bathing, etc.  I had a flashback to the autumn of 2016 when I was taking out the water pump and getting it all ready for winter and how cold the water inside the pump housing/tank was, and remembered how, by then, he was spending most of his time in his bathrobe or in bed, trying to ease his back, neck and knee pain.  But he still made dinner for me that evening.  Three months later he was laid flat by sepsis and in intensive care.

In those moments, all you can do is just remember, re-experience or relive it, and feel whatever you feel (be it anger, sadness, tears, rage, regret, etc.) and the emotional waves will pass, in time.  And then some time later you'll do it again, over something else, or this other thing that happened, or that one time you two did whatever it was, or some such event.  It just goes on, but with time it gets less intense, softer.  But every so often you'll have a huge wave come along, like an aftershock from an earthquake when the ocean heaves and sends water inland.

Fortunately, we all "get it" here.  We're listening.

[kayc]

Nancy,

I am so sorry for your loss, that another person has to go through this...everything you said we can relate to.  One day at a time was the best advice I got, to think about my whole future without him here brought anxiety so I try to stay in today.  You are right about people, they don't know how to handle our grief...remember it's okay to feel these myriad of emotions, they're normal and they may change from day to day.  

I wrote this and hope something in it is of help to you, if not today, perhaps tomorrow.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.