Devastated By The Loss Of My Best Friend

[kayc]

@Buster's Mom  I went through something similar with my cat, King George.  I took him to ER on a Saturday as we only have a vet here on Wednesdays.  They treated him for a respiratory problem (he had green mucous coming from his sinuses under his eye) and gave him antibiotics.  He didn't get better so they renewed the Rx.  When he came to the end of that and was still bad, I took him to my usual vet. It was cancer.  He showed it to me, he also told me to imagine the worst head cold I'd ever had, multiply it by 1,000 and that's how this cat was feeling.  I had him put to sleep.  I was very upset that the expensive ER hadn't done more than a cursory evaluation that resulted in my cat going through miserable unnecessary suffering the last month of his life, he was 19 and he deserved better than that.  I'm sorry you went through misdiagnosis too, it can be really hard.

[Buster's Mom]

@kayc thank you for sharing that, I"m so sorry you had to go through that with King George.  I know vets and doctors are just people, and they are fallible just like the rest of us, but it's difficult to go through nevertheless.  I wish we could spare our pets all pain or suffering. 

[Missing My Fancy]

Thank you so much for your support, Buster's Mom.

I'm sorry you had to experience something similar to what I went through with my Fancy girl. It's been a month and a half since I said goodbye to my soulmate and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. There are moments where, out of nowhere, a crushing wave of grief hits me and I'm forced to consider the reality of not having her here with me but there are other moments where I'm unable to fathom the loss I've suffered. It's like I entered into a parallel universe or existence where things aren't the way they're supposed to be and I feel a sense of denial about the situation. I live my life the way I normally do but things aren't normal because I don't have my baby girl with me. This process of grieving has been emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.

I thank you for sending love my way and I wish love, peace and healing for you as well.

[kayc]

That's a very common grief feeling, it can take a long time to fully realize they're gone.  It keeps hitting us again and again until it's sunk in, and it feels surreal.  It is QUITE exhausting!

[JulesR]

On 5/17/2019 at 12:42 PM, Missing My Fancy said:

Thank you so much for your support, Buster's Mom.

I'm sorry you had to experience something similar to what I went through with my Fancy girl. It's been a month and a half since I said goodbye to my soulmate and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. There are moments where, out of nowhere, a crushing wave of grief hits me and I'm forced to consider the reality of not having her here with me but there are other moments where I'm unable to fathom the loss I've suffered. It's like I entered into a parallel universe or existence where things aren't the way they're supposed to be and I feel a sense of denial about the situation. I live my life the way I normally do but things aren't normal because I don't have my baby girl with me. This process of grieving has been emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.

I thank you for sending love my way and I wish love, peace and healing for you as well.

I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my beautiful girl on May 7th and I still can't believe it's happened. She was so intimately woven into the fabric of my life, I wonder how it can still BE my life without her. This monstrous, enormous grief is so big I think my mind will only let me see glimpses of it. These glimpses slay me and stop me in my tracks. I've come to hate my memory, for forgetting that she's gone, because every time I remember, it's like losing her again.

[Missing My Fancy]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, JulesR. You hit the nail on the head with everything you said.

 

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She was so intimately woven into the fabric of my life, I wonder how it can still BE my life without her.

This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling. My Fancy wasn't "just a cat" or "just another pet". She was my other half, my best friend and my soulmate. A constant loving presence in my life for the past 11 and a half years. Without her I feel less than who I was and I keep wondering when my new existence without her will start to "click" and make sense to me. I go to sleep at night with her cat bed next to me and she's not in it, purring up a storm. I wake up in the morning and she doesn't come hurrying over to me for breakfast. When I go to visit my parents she's not next to me in the car. I've been going about my days constantly thinking about her, crying and missing her with all my heart and soul, wondering when I'm going to feel a sense of wholeness again.

 

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This monstrous, enormous grief is so big I think my mind will only let me see glimpses of it. These glimpses slay me and stop me in my tracks. I've come to hate my memory, for forgetting that she's gone, because every time I remember, it's like losing her again.

Ditto. That's how it's been for me, too. Not having my Fancy with me has been a crushing, insurmountable loss and the "glimpses", at times, have been utterly devastating and debilitating (although thankfully they're becoming somewhat less frequent). A few Saturdays ago I sobbed for about 2 hours straight and I still felt no relief afterwards. I've never cried like that before in my whole life (and I've lost quite a number of family members over the years, both human and animal). I cry when I see her carrier in the living room, knowing she'll never go on another road trip with me to her Nanny and Pappy's. I cry when I look at the spot on the floor next to my bed where she was sitting right before I took her to the vet for the last time. I cry at work at any given time because I know when I get home she won't be here to greet me and make me feel better. My Fancy was a constant source of happiness and comfort in my life and I had so many kisses, hugs, snuggles and pettings left to give her but now I won't be able to give them to her (at least not in this life).

 

Thank you for sharing, JulesR. I'm sending thoughts of peace and healing your way.

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

@JulesR  I am so sorry.  Your grief is still so raw and fresh, it can take quite a while for us to process it, for it to sink in.  I hate the getting hit afresh again and again.  Sending peace and comfort your way.

 

[JulesR]

On 5/18/2019 at 8:44 PM, Missing My Fancy said:

I'm so very sorry for your loss, JulesR. You hit the nail on the head with everything you said.

 

This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling. My Fancy wasn't "just a cat" or "just another pet". She was my other half, my best friend and my soulmate. A constant loving presence in my life for the past 11 and a half years. Without her I feel less than who I was and I keep wondering when my new existence without her will start to "click" and make sense to me. I go to sleep at night with her cat bed next to me and she's not in it, purring up a storm. I wake up in the morning and she doesn't come hurrying over to me for breakfast. When I go to visit my parents she's not next to me in the car. I've been going about my days constantly thinking about her, crying and missing her with all my heart and soul, wondering when I'm going to feel a sense of wholeness again.

 

Ditto. That's how it's been for me, too. Not having my Fancy with me has been a crushing, insurmountable loss and the "glimpses", at times, have been utterly devastating and debilitating (although thankfully they're becoming somewhat less frequent). A few Saturdays ago I sobbed for about 2 hours straight and I still felt no relief afterwards. I've never cried like that before in my whole life (and I've lost quite a number of family members over the years, both human and animal). I cry when I see her carrier in the living room, knowing she'll never go on another road trip with me to her Nanny and Pappy's. I cry when I look at the spot on the floor next to my bed where she was sitting right before I took her to the vet for the last time. I cry at work at any given time because I know when I get home she won't be here to greet me and make me feel better. My Fancy was a constant source of happiness and comfort in my life and I had so many kisses, hugs, snuggles and pettings left to give her but now I won't be able to give them to her (at least not in this life).

 

Thank you for sharing, JulesR. I'm sending thoughts of peace and healing your way.

 

 

 

 

I still have her carrier in the dining room, with her name on it, and I cry whenever I look at it. I'll never forget her lovely eyes looking to me for comfort as we sat in the vet's waiting room on the day she died, rubbing her face against my hand through the bars. I still have her litter box because it has her paw marks in it and I can't bear to get rid of it. I still have her water bowl in the spare room where she loved to sunbathe by the window. The water has nearly evaporated and it breaks my heart. Crying doesn't help any more, it isn't enough.

[Missing My Fancy]

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I'll never forget her lovely eyes looking to me for comfort as we sat in the vet's waiting room on the day she died, rubbing her face against my hand through the bars.

That's such a sad image. I'm sorry, JulesR. I had a similar experience with my Fancy. On the morning right before I took her to the vet for (what I didn't know would be) the last time, we were driving back to our place from my parents'. I put my finger in her carrier door to rub her chin the way I had done countless times before on our road trips together but instead of nuzzling it the way she always did, she just laid her chin on it as if to say, "please Dad, let me just rest like this for a while". I had a sudden feeling that she was saying goodbye to me and I even asked her "Fancy, are you saying goodbye"? Of course she couldn't answer, but then almost immediately I blew it off, completely convincing myself it couldn't be true. When we got to our place she showed an interest in eating and drinking but she couldn't swallow because she could hardly breathe. When I went to get her to put her back in her carrier to take her to our vet's ER, she was sitting on the floor next to my bed and the way she looked up at me with confusion in her eyes is something that's burned into my mind. My last memory I have of her alive is of her in an oxygen cage with me trying to pet her through the little opening and her shuffling around in overwhelming bewilderment and desperation. I never, in a million years, would have thought our time together could end in such a heartbreaking way.

 

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I still have her litter box because it has her paw marks in it and I can't bear to get rid of it. I still have her water bowl in the spare room where she loved to sunbathe by the window. The water has nearly evaporated and it breaks my heart. Crying doesn't help any more, it isn't enough.

I feel your pain. When I'm at my place I kiss my Fancy's carrier before going to sleep every night. Her cat bed was always kept on my bed and she used to sleep beside me in it and now every night I have to sleep with it up against me. If I wake up in the middle of the night and I find that I've moved too far away from it, I quickly pull it closer to me. When I visit my parents one of the first things I do when I get there is kiss the box containing her ashes (I decided to keep her ashes at my Mom and Dad's because visiting them together was our special tradition and also because I can't bring myself to see that box everyday knowing that's all that's left of my best friend). I kiss the box before going to bed and I also sleep with the little blanket she loved to take catnaps with while at her Nanny and Pappy's, holding it tight to me. She always used to sleep up against my feet and several times since her passing I've woken up in the middle of the night, finding myself at an awkward angle because instinctively my legs "look" for her but she's no longer there.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time with the loss of your beloved girl, JulesR. I continue to send positive and healing thoughts your way.

[kayc]

Both of those quotes got to me too.  I'm so sorry.  I wish there were something to ease the pain of missing her.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[JulesR]

Thanks for all the kind words and sweet empathy even though this is not my post  I really didn't mean to hijack it. But as it's a bit late to start one of my own, I'll blunder onwards here if that's okay?

I've been better this last week. I had a bit of a blip today though when I received a card from the vet. Inside were some Forget-me-not seeds, which I intend to plant, and sit them on the window sill by her favourite snoozing place. It bought quite a few tears throughout this day. She loved the sunshine, and it bought out the shades of chocolate in her beautiful black fur.

I like to consider myself a practical person, and my cat was my cat, and I was her owner (as much as one can 'own' a cat), she wasn't my baby, though we each have our own relationships with these remarkable animals, we all take what we need and hopefully give as much in return, and all of these relationships are precious, whatever they are.

Anyway, enough about my sorrow. My heart goes out to you and the loss of your sweet Fancy. Such small creatures have such a massive impact and I feel your loss, every tear stained second of it.  I hope you can ride out this awful storm and find peaceful waters and warm memories that comfort, rather than hurt. xxx

If you can see the pic, this is Onion, my awful storm. Much loved and so painfully missed. I thought I'd lost this but so glad I found it:

 

 

[MartyT]

Such a beautiful kitty! 

[JulesR]

23 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Such a beautiful kitty! 

This was her typical 'I love you but I'm hungry, so please feed me' strategy. Oddly enough, it worked a treat.

[Missing My Fancy]

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Thanks for all the kind words and sweet empathy even though this is not my post  I really didn't mean to hijack it. But as it's a bit late to start one of my own, I'll blunder onwards here if that's okay?

No worries! I like that these discussions provide each of us an opportunity to share the love we had with our beloved furry companions and that they can provide comfort to us all because as alone as we each may feel in our grief, it's clear that we're all traveling the same hard road. Offering someone support is a wonderful thing to do in their moment of need and sharing your own experiences is part of that support. I thank you for sharing your story.

 

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My heart goes out to you and the loss of your sweet Fancy. Such small creatures have such a massive impact and I feel your loss, every tear stained second of it.  I hope you can ride out this awful storm and find peaceful waters and warm memories that comfort, rather than hurt. xxx

Thank you. In some ways losing my Fancy was/is the most difficult experience of my life. She had such a beautiful and loving soul and I can't quite put into words just how badly I miss her and everything about her; her big yellow-green eyes, her docile personality, her loud purr, her walk, her soft meow whenever she wanted to be petted or given a treat. I miss seeing her and calling her one of the many affectionate nicknames I came up with for her. I said goodbye to my Fancy back on April 5th but still a few weeks ago I walked into my dining room and without thinking I called out "beautiful Fancy" because that's what I used to do when I entered a room knowing she was in it. I was crushed when I caught myself a split second later, realizing she wasn't. But, yes, pets have a massive and lasting impact on us. The experience of not having my Fancy has been unbearable at times but I'm doing everything I can to keep going. Thank you for the well wishes. I hope you're also able to find some peace and healing throughout this emotionally tumultuous time in your life.

 

I love that photo! Your Onion was adorable! She was black (partly, anyway) and had (what look to be) yellow-green eyes, just like my Fancy girl. Black cats are the best! I keep saying this but I never thought I'd have a black cat and now that I don't have one my world doesn't feel right. Below is a picture of my Fancy, which I think was taken only about a week or 2 before she passed away. You can see her head is slightly cocked to the side, which is what she used to do when she was eager for a treat. She'd tilt her head this way and that and let out a little meow until you gave her one. Thinking about it makes me chuckle with happiness but I also can't help coming unglued because I feel such a keen sense of pain knowing I'll never experience those moments with her again. I miss her.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing a picture of Onion, I love her markings!  

Fancy looks so tiny there...I know how much you miss her, very very hard losing them!

[JulesR]

Fancy looks so lovely and polite! Onion used to have the same look when she was hungry, she'd also sit on the living room floor and stare at me, then every time I glanced at her she used to chirp. I love black cats, and if I ever have another, I want an all- black one, they seem to get overlooked a lot and it's sad. I don't think my heart could cope with another Tuxedo cat, there's one who lives nearby that looks a lot like her and  it hurts to see it.

Did Fancy have any more (nick)names? Mine had many, not all of them repeatable in polite company.....

I know what you mean about it being the most difficult experience of your life, I feel that too. I'd lost both parents by the time I was in my twenties, and this seems so much harder, probably because I shared nearly every day of 17 years with her.

[Missing My Fancy]

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Did Fancy have any more (nick)names?

Did she ever! I called her baby girl, my beautiful girl, beautiful Fancy, my nudgie girl (nudgie is apparently a word used to describe a pest but I thought it was a cute sounding word and so I used it when she was nuzzling/nudging me or being playful in some other way), baby buttons and any combination of those words (ex: my baby nudgie buttons), Queen Mother (because she was the queen of the house who at times acted like a mother to my other, younger cats) and Sister Fancy Ebony Fur (after the song "Sister Golden Hair") to name a few. Yes. there were more and yes, I am nuts lol!

 

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Mine had many, not all of them repeatable in polite company.....

I have to admit I got a kick out of this lol. I'd like to hear- well, read- any nicknames for Onion you'd care to share.

 

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I know what you mean about it being the most difficult experience of your life, I feel that too. I'd lost both parents by the time I was in my twenties, and this seems so much harder, probably because I shared nearly every day of 17 years with her.

Yes, the fact that we shared every moment of our lives with our beloved furry companions means that they leave an imprint on our hearts that not even most people can achieve. I was extremely close with my Nana and after she passed away on her 98th birthday back in September 2017, I experienced despair that I never even knew was possible. The loss of my Fancy girl has taken things to a whole other level, though. I've never in my life been suicidal and I certainly don't advocate for it but after experiencing the massive amount of suffering I've gone through I have to say I can completely understand what could drive a person to commit such a desperate act. Losing a pet that is your best friend and soulmate is an overwhelmingly painful and confusing experience.

 

Continuing to send thoughts of peace and healing your way.

[Missing My Fancy]

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Fancy looks so tiny there...I know how much you miss her, very very hard losing them!

Yes, she does look deceptively small in that pic. It's ironic that for as sick as she must have been during the time that photo was taken, she looked very healthy. She was still eating her prescription diet food to control her weight and things seemed to relatively be on the up and up. What came after was like a roller coaster ride that I wasn't buckled in for.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Missing My Fancy said:

Mine had many, not all of them repeatable in polite company....

That also made me laugh too!  I had a SIL that called her cat Turd because he was always up to something and when she took him to the vet they asked his name and it suddenly hit her she couldn't give that name, so quick thinking she came out with Turderoy.  We laughed about that for years.  He was a smart cat though.

[Missing My Fancy]

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I had a SIL that called her cat Turd because he was always up to something and when she took him to the vet they asked his name and it suddenly hit her she couldn't give that name, so quick thinking she came out with Turderoy.

That's hilarious! 😂