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9 weeks and still unbearable

Sharon C

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I'm sitting here writing this  through tears. Feels like day 1... Will my broken heart ever mend?  I've been doing some work in the garden and thought my BEAU would have loved this ..he loved to be sat in the garden with me , his little eyes  twinkling from the sun rays shining in his little eyes.. I feel so lonely inside with out him,  he was my strength, someone to get out of bed for in the morning , now on my 3rd tissue, he was my little man, I'm truly broken, I've lit a candle every single day of his passing, 

I watch super vets on tv , I think to myself would he have fixed my beautiful furry friend like he does all the others. 

I can't stand it that his not here 

We had such a perfect bond, he was my soulmate. I've done everything for him since, the plot in  the garden full of lights that shine bright of night, his ashes close by, tattoo of his portrait on my leg,  photos done, his bowls I can't bear to move yet and yet I still feel so damn sad. 


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Hello again, Sharon C.

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Your broken heart will mend but it takes a lot of time, patience and reflection. As you know I've been grieving through the loss of my cherished cat Fatsy and one thing I've been trying to keep in mind through all my pain is that she isn't the first loved one I've lost. It's a devastating and exhausting process that needs to run it's course... but it will run it. You'll eventually be able to breathe easier and find that you're able to focus more on other things all the while still loving your buddy BEAU and honoring his memory in continuing to do some of the things you shared (spending time in your garden, for instance). I feel lonely, too, because my Fancy was vital to my happiness. When she was content I felt good, when she was sick I became anxious with worry. She was the best companion I could have ever asked for and we were strongly bonded. Your BEAU was your best companion. I think what you're doing with lighting candles for him is such a beautiful way to honor him. Do you find that this brings you a sense of comfort? I hope it does.

As for watching Super Vets, I, personally, wouldn't put too much faith in their abilities and my best advice would be to not watch that or shows like it. As amazing as those vets might be they're imperfect humans, too, and because it's a TV show they can choose which cases they show in order to make themselves seem like infinitely intelligent and capable professionals. Watching them "miraculously" heal sick or injured animals won't benefit you in any way. A little "tough love" there.

Your little memorial for BEAU sounds beautiful. I'd love to see photos of it if you feel up to sharing. I had my Fancy cremated. She's in a little cherry wood box and she's going to stay at my parents house because we always went together and I'm convinced she would have loved living there. She always got pampered and spoiled at her Nanny and Pappy's lol. She's in my old bedroom where we used to sleep and we're going to eventually make a nice little memorial for her on the same bookshelf where photos of my recently departed and dearly loved Nana are displayed. I've been going to my parents every week. I kiss the box as soon as I get there, kiss it before going to sleep at night, kiss it in the morning and kiss it before leaving to come back to my place. It's something I need to do in order to "connect" with her and let her know I desperately miss and love her. I considered keeping her with me at my place but 1) I can't bear the thought of seeing that little box everyday knowing she's in it and not alive and well next to me, 2) I can't bear the thought of my other cats seeing the box and making the connection that Fancy's ashes are in it because I'm sure it would not only devastate them to know she passed away and was cremated but they also might start worrying about their own safety because they don't know the whole story of what happened to their beloved sister. They might assume I did something bad to her when really it's the complete opposite. Lord knows I wouldn't be able to cope if they didn't trust me anymore. It's been heartbreaking enough to see them wandering around, calling out for her, confused as to why she's not with them.

I totally understand where you're coming from when you say you can't move BEAU's bowls from their spot. I would keep them just where they are until you are ready to move them. Don't rush yourself. Sometimes cleaning up, putting away or disposing of things which belonged to our loved ones can feel like we're trying to eliminate all memory of them. The reality is we're not and time will help us understand that more clearly but now is not the right moment to do it. Allow yourself to understand that part of the coping process is to cling to the physical remnants of our loved ones. As for me, I was in my living room a short while ago and when I walked past my baby girl's carrier I couldn't help rubbing the top of it and sobbing. I've done this many times since her passing. I've kept her cat bed on my bed because that's where it always was and she'd always curl up next to me in it when it was time for bed. On one occasion I was so full of despair I fell on top of it, sobbing and saying out loud to my Fancy how much I love and miss her and that I want her back. The items which we always associated with our loved ones now feel like sacred objects not to be tampered with and so they shouldn't be disturbed until our hearts say it's time.

That's a wonderful photo of your BEAU. So adorable. He looked like a real charmer and a great companion.

Wishing you peace and healing.

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Sometimes in our lives we find "the one" that meant so much to us and we feel inconsolable when they're gone.  I felt that way when I lost my husband and I will feel that way when I lose my dog.  I have lost so many in my life, parents, grandparents, nephew, niece, sister, many pets, many friends...and I came close to losing my other sister last year.  It's true that life is ever changing and does not stay the same but losing someone you love is one change you never want to happen...still, it does.  

You have done what you could to honor him, and I wouldn't worry about moving his bowl, we needn't do anything we're not comfortable with any time soon, right now it can sit where it is, a reminder of the warm little body that brought you so much comfort in life, the dog you love and cherish.  Nothing will erase that, ever.  I relate to your watching that show because I like watching Dr. Jeff, although they show the ones they couldn't help as well so it's perhaps more realistic, life doesn't always have a happy ending, I've learned that.  

Your Beau undoubtedly brought you life lessons of love, those remain and are yours forever.  Cherish his sweetness forever, take consolation in knowing he will never be forgotten.  You know how people fall in love and say this one is "my person"...well you can say he is "my dog", that's how I feel about my Arlie and he's getting on in years, it scares me because I know I'll be going through this sooner than I'd like.  Praying for peace and comfort for your broken heart.

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