Chlor Posted April 26, 2019 Report Share Posted April 26, 2019 Greetings, I decided to reach out to this community after reading most of the stories of love and loss that are strikingly similar to mine in many ways. First of all, I would like to convey that I am so sorry that any of us has to go through this kind of pain. It is almost relentless; the feeling that I cant breathe, cant focus, waking me up at night, squeezing my heart and cutting me off from any sense of joy. Is this what grief feels like? Before I share about my situation, I would also like to ask that you try to suspend judging me for aspects of my situation that some may find objectionable as my heart is pure with love and so broken by loss. Ill start with the controversial stuff. Im in the process of separating from a long term marriage that has been troubled for decades. Over the years, we developed completely separate lifestyles, which reduced the amount of fighting but resulted in estrangement. His passion for performing arts keeps him singularly focused on the next gig and life on the road while I maintained stable employment and raised the kids on my own. As the kids got older, I developed my own interests and connections that kept me busy but at the core lonely and ashamed of being a married woman , always alone, essentially living a single life. I longed for a partner to share my life with. Aside from the usual fear of change, the main factor keeping me from breaking up the household is my younger child (I have 2). She is now 19 and recently went through a serious rebellious phase where I almost lost her. Given all that she was into, Im lucky and grateful that she lives at home, is doing very well now, and going off to college in a couple of months. The family unit has been an important a stabilizing force and Ive been reluctant to break up the household before she moves out. So, thats the background. This story really starts almost a year and a half ago. I met a man on a group excursion overseas. We met on the bus and natrually spent most of the time on the trip together - activities. meals, travel, etc. No hanky panky. Looking back, I realize we instantly fell in love. On the last day of the trip, I told him about my situation and that I couldnt be more than friends until after my daughter moved out. Upon arriving home, I felt a deep shift nside of me. Being married felt intolerable and I began exploring how to make the break. Try as we might, this man and I could not stop thinking about each other. We kept in touch almost daily and would see each other for dinner, activities, etc. The connection felt so intensely sweet that, even though we had not taken things to the next level, we could not help but express our love for each other. In addition to the sweet sweet emotional connection, we had so many common interests and tendencies that we enjoyed every moment together and could communicate on a level I never experienced before. Even difficult discussions were positive experiences. For the first time in my life, I could talk about relationship problems with a man and have us both come away feeling enriched having learned about ourselves and the other person. This is the aspect of our relationship that I value the most. So we went back and forth but our love deepened further each day as I worked to find a way out of my situation. We started making plans for the future that we were both excited about. I explored many options before finding a lawyer that laid out a good plan. I was all set to have the conversation with my husband a couple of weeks ago while my daughter was on a class trip abroad. Then something unthinkable happened. 3 days before she was set to leave for her trip, we took his adult son out to dinner. The son was on home leave after 8 months of sobriery at rehab far away. It was to be his last night in town and we had a wonderful dinner together before going to our separate homes. The next morning, the boy was found cold in his bed with foam coming out of his mouth. At some point on the night, he relapsed and died of an overdose. When my sweetie told me what happened, I raced to him. His sons body was still in the house as well as several relatives, his sons mother and her husband. We hugged each other for a long time. Then the family set about making calls to tell people what happened. Every ounce of my being wanted only to take care of my sweetie. It did not feel right fir him to spend the night alone in the house where hours earlier he found his son dead. Ipacked an overnight bag, prepared to tell my family eveything. But he didnt want me to stay. Instead, his most recent exwife (they divorced 8 yeare ago) slept on the couch For the next few days leading up to the funeral the house was full of friends and relatives. He started formally introducing me as his girlfriend and I finally met the ex wife. It was uncomfortable at first as I sensed that she resented me abd felt competitive. I did my best to be gracious toward her and we seemed to get along well enough. Emotionally, my sweetie was all over the map. When everyone left and we were alone he would alternate between extreme love and appreciation, flashes of anger, remorse, etc. At the end of it all, he would tell how good I am for him and reassure me that I have his heart. At the funeral reception, he had several flashes of anger toward me about nonsense (ex I ate the brownie) but we parted on loving terms. It hurt my heart but I stayed strong when I was with him and my heart stayed with him 100%. I returned home feeling so wrought and like I could not continue living like this. In the morning, I had "the conversation" and broke up with my husband. At my lawyers advice, I had arranged a place to stay to be a haven where I could stay when things got tense without giving up presence in my own home. My sweetie did not know anything about my move. I didnt want to stress him out. But sonehow, as if by magic, he seemed to shift. He didnt want to see me again until the weekend. We kept in touch my text, but now I became the iniator and his responses were flat and devoid of love. After 3 days, we got together for dinner on Saturday. In person, it was affectionate and close. He shared about his feelings of grief and I told him about how I launched. I felt conforted in his presence that we would both be okay. That was the last time I saw him. He made plans for the next day that he would not tell me about. His messages were sparse and he repearedly cancelled plans to get together to talk saying he cant see me, was tired and couldnt focus. This went on for a week before I called him and asked what's going on. He said his exwife had spent a lot of time at his house and he us confused about his feelings, doesnt want yo get involved in my marital conflict, and he cant think or focus. He said that he had not gotten back together with the ex, nor had they been intimate, but he feels he needs to make q decision. I let himknow that I would not compete with his ex and so would stop initiating contact. The last thing he said was "I do love you". That was more than a week ago and I have heard nothing from him. I feel that he is lost to me. The grief, compounded by my own grief for his son, feels unbearable. Reading your stories, I see that it is not uncommon for a grieving person to shut love out. But still, Im devastated that he did not protect our relationship, which was beautiful and had a future. That he chose to shut me out in favor of his most recent ex (they do not share any children) who bickers with him and left him mostly because she did not approve of his parenting. I feel so broken inside. I know I need to move ahead with legally dissolving my family but hardly have the strength to function at all. I sleep on the ciuch at home, cant focus at work and keep making mistakes. I repeatedly replay all these events and berate myself for not making myself more available earlier. I am on pins and needles both longing for and dreading he will get in touch. So far, nothing. How does it happen that one day I am the most special person hes waited his whole life for and the next day nothing. How could he just throw me away? How can I go on? Sorry this has gotten so long. And for any writing errors and typos as Im using my phone for this post. Love and gratitude to anyone that has read this far and has any insight to share. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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