Heart Shattered

[Chlor]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

No, change your number.  He's not leading back into the relationship and you can't trust him regardless.  He made his decision clear when he left, those actions spoke louder than any words!

Be wary.  Now he's fouled up your plans for your trip.  YOU take the upper hand, if you want to go, go.  Do not let him mess with your head/heart.  When his lips are moving, hear blah-blah-blah-blah because that's what it all means.

Thanks KayC!  You are right. His actions speak louder than his words. Confusion seems to be his M.O. If you recall, he didnt make himself clear at all, even as he left. He told me he loved me, kept apologizing for negatively impacting us.   I went mad wondering whether there was still an "us" not knowing what had gone down with his ex and that is what lead me to post here in the first place. Thanks to all of you, I did not chase him. I let it go. I'm forever grateful.

I hope all is well in your world Kay!

[kayc]

Chlor,

I love how you glean so much from the responses you got...you are very insightful!  I wish you the best going forward, be strong for yourself, be your own best friend, make positive choices for YOU, let him own his own and you're right...silence is golden. 

 

[Kieron]

While I am a guy, I wouldn't be behaving that way but that's just not how I am wired.  I hate being manipulated and I try hard not to do it to other people, and if there is something I want from the other person, I try to ask upfront or I keep my thoughts to myself.

On 7/2/2020 at 9:47 AM, Chlor said:

The biggest clue is how upset I feel when I see his text messages . 

That's why I advised changing your number.  Seeing the person's name or number come up, or being able to re-read their messages, just re-opens the wound, at least for me, and it sounds like you are noticing that, too.  That's why I tell my clients at work to never, ever argue with another person via text messaging!  You miss clues, cues and context, and an argument can drag on for days, and so much can be misinterpreted through written words, and you can keep reliving the pain by rereading the damned messages.  It's just a bad idea.

Maybe you can block the number if it's inconvenient to change yours?  Just shut the door on him the way you would if he were coming to your actual door.

Oh, and by the way...

 

[kayc]

As ever, Kieron, you are so wise!  Thank you for both of those messages, perfect!!!

[Kieron]

Thanks, Kay, but it's mostly accumulated wisdom from others, from my own life, from watching clients make mistakes, and my own mistakes.  And those memes I posted are simply things that rang very true and I saved them as reminders to myself or others.

I wish whatever wisdom I possess would carry over to figuring out the next stage of my life.  But that's another post elsewhere, not in the middle of this person's post about heartbreak, although come to think about it, it's a kind of heartbreak of its own-- this feeling like I'm outgrowing the place I've lived in for over 20 years.

[Rae1991]

On 6/30/2020 at 6:46 PM, Kieron said:

I'm sorry to say this but he's manipulating you.  I would recommend changing your phone number.  Don't leave the door open to let him continue disturbing the peace you have begun to make in your heart.

I absolutely agree with this.

On 7/1/2020 at 12:13 AM, ipswitch said:

I wouldn't change my phone number, but I'd stop responding. I think he's casting about for a booty call.  I was in a kind of 'friends with benefits' relationship at one point. I can tell you what someone told me: the person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power.  Your sweetie seems to take the path of least resistance: look what he did: maintained a relationship with one of his three exes. With that many exes, did it occur to you that he didn't spend any time between relationships to examine what had gone wrong?

Then he got involved with a married woman. (Imagine Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, snidely commenting, "Isn't that convenient?") You had children, a husband, a home of your own, you hadn't filed or discussed separating, so of course you weren't as available as a single woman. It's a perfect situation for a fellow who never drives the tent stakes in very far. He didn't have to be 'all in' because you weren't. You weren't, because you were married.  

I'm not judging, because I've been where you were - and honestly - my consort at the time said we could never plan a future together because we started out relationship cheating on our partners and trust would always be an issue. 

I'm not sure your sweetie is ill-intended.  If he isn't that, he sounds sort of emotionally lazy.  Maybe he has some value as a friend that isn't obvious is your story about him here. Retaining you as a friend would be good for HIS self esteem as he could tell himself he didn't hurt you that badly if you forgave him. You can forgive him (that's good for YOU) but you don't have to continue to engage with him.

I also agree with this, except that you probably should change your number if his texts bother you this much. This man is emotionally lazy, manipulative and fishing to see if anyone he casts a signal at will be receptive. He's clearly done this before, as you've explained more than once in your posts from last year. He does not deserve another moment of your headspace or time.

And absolutely YES, his attempts to retain you as a friend are absolutely an ego boost for him, if it wasn't, why would he still have close personal relationships with any of his exes? Especially when he knows any one of them would come running to his call. Seems like the woman he left you for Chlor, did exactly that and I am sure the one before her did too. If he knew none of you would respond positively to his "friendly text check-ins" he wouldn't try to maintain contact with you or "check-in."

And yeah, with little downtime between his relationships and them all ending in similar ways, the common denominator here IS HIM and his PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR. Now it's a character flaw, not just a mistake. This guy pretty clearly knows what he's doing and has no plans to change his ways.

Forgive him for your own sake, change your number and forget him. He adds no value to your life, only an invitation to join him in his confusion. Do yourself a favor and politely decline his invitation. Tim tried this too, and I fell for it. Don't give this man that satisfaction.

 Rae

[Rae1991]

Edited to add: This guy is doing what I've learned to call a "Temperature Check." Putting the feelers out there with a seemingly innocent "hey how are you?" and seeing what your temperature is: warm and receptive to his "friendliness" aka low-key bootycall, or scalding hot, indifferent and unwelcome.

Be the latter. When he comes around for his "temperature checks," do yourself a favor and burn him. If you remain receptive and lukewarm to his "textual advances," they will not stop because now he knows you still have a weak spot he can weasel his way into with words. Don't let him. You wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove repeatedly would you? In this case, the hand is his and you are the hot stove he needs to step away from to avoid being burned.

If he truly missed you, he'd be consistent and apologetic and his actions would align with his behavior and words, but not so overzealous like he's being pushy. He just wants to know he has someone to run to incase another one of his relationships inevitably goes south and he needs a cushion to soften the blow again.

[Chlor]

I've been meaning to update this thread for quite some time and am glad to finally have a peaceful moment to so do. I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to share your thoughts and encouragement. You really helped me look at this man and his actions differently. 

I think that in the past I was so enamored with him and empathized so much with his grief that I was willing to overlook what was right in front of me. Plus, I believed him when he told me how much he loved me, how special I was to him and how much he looked forward to things we would do in the future. I believed him because I felt that way about him. Truth  be told, in the years before his sons death, he had pushed me away several times because he needed to work things out in his head.  But he never went far and always seemed to know just how to charm his way right to my heart. 

That being said, things look very different today.  Thanks to all the wonderful encouragement from KayC, Rae, Ipswitch, and Kieron, this time, his text messages and fake missed calls do not seem boyishly charming at all. They seem cheap and lame, especially in comparison to the intense and dramatic events surrounding his sons death that we experienced together, not to mention the pain and loss I experienced due to his subsequent pull away from my life. All of your feedback, even the platitudes, has done SOOO much to reinforce this new perspective on him and also really value and protect my own heart.

From this vantage, the loss is entirely his. If he had been true to me, he would have had the most devoted partner to see him thru hard times and good.  His playing games now shows me that I didnt lose anything other than a further waste of my time and energy.  With this distance, I see that most likely he was always toying with me (and all his exes) and I am just not interested in maintaining that type of friendship.  I dont even have to act cold or burn him because I dont have anything to say to him anymore

Being able to read your messages really helped me stay firm in this position, which I know is right for me and finally feels natural and good.   I'm on a much better path now and hopeful that this experience will help me cultivate much healthier relationships in the future. Thank you all so much!!!!

[MartyT]

Good for you! Blessings to you, my dear, and thank you ever so much for sharing this inspiring update with all of us! We wish you nothing but the very best in your future, because you deserve it, and you are worth it!  ❤️

[Chlor]

Thank you, Marty, I'm so grateful for you too!!!

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Chlor said:

really value and protect my own heart.

Therein lies the crux of it, I'm so glad you are doing just that!  Wishing you nothing but the best!