Help please

[Solitude]

Hello  everyone, 

I am new here. 107 days ago I Lost my mum. She died of a stroke and heart failure in the ICU. She was on full life suport because She was în the coma. I never had the chance to say good bye to her. She was 69 yers old.  Since then I am in deep pain. My husbant, my friends, the priests I have been talking keep telling me to get over it, because I am a grown woman, not a baby to cry for mom. I am not phisical welI also.Iwent to a cardiologist because of my high BP( had it since mom died) 

I went to counselling also. Not helping either. She wasnt a grief counselor . I cant afford private sesions so I went to public health care .

I dont know how to manage my pain. 

I admire each and everyone here for your wisdom, resilience and warmth in face of death. 

I dont have none of the above qualities, because of I had them  I would be able to manage my emotions .

Please, a piece of advice. Thank You.

Ela

[kayc]

Oh Ela, I'm so sorry that people have given you misinformation.  Few in our society understand grief, that's why it helps to come to an expert, and we have that here with our Marty.  First of all, your emotions are on par for grief and I'm blown away that you were told "get over it, because I am a grown woman, not a baby to cry for mom."  Priests may have education in spiritual matters but in grief?  No!  Some may naturally understand it, this one is sadly lacking!

It's important to allow ourselves to work through our grief, to allow ourselves to feel it.  If it prohibits our functioning, we may want to mete it out, set aside a time for our grief...when I lost my husband, it was the hardest grief I'd ever been through!  But I still had to work, I took two weeks off and then went back to work.  I would get hit while at work and had to go into the restroom and cry.  But people at work had been talked to about what to expect from my wonderful boss and another man who had suffered deep loss.  They prepared them for my return to work and everyone was so understanding.  It really made a difference.  It can take a long time to process our grief.  I've read countless articles and books on grief.  I joined this forum and that was tremendous help.  I, like you, got a horrid counselor that didn't have a clue, he misrepresented himself as a "grief counselor", he was not.  There was no one else in this vicinity trained in grief, so this forum became my place of instruction and learning.  Marty has a course available here for the first year too.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

We will be here for you throughout this.  It helps to share your feelings, thoughts, questions so we can respond.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[MartyT]

Ela, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mum, and sorry, too, that you've not been able to find the support and understanding that you need and deserve. I hope that by joining our online family and by reading some of the materials we will suggest for you, that you will feel less isolated and alone in your grief.

I encourage you to read through some of the posts in this forum, and here are some resources that you may find helpful as well:

Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources

Goodbye to Goodbye, by Darcie Sims

[Solitude]

Thank You both for your reply. You are truly wonderful.

I go to work, I take care of my house hold and my daughter. I can function but I am in a deep pain. I cant talk to anyone about it and about my mum, what a wonderful person She was. I cry when no one can see me ,so I cant Be judged  being weak or childish. 

 I have been reading some of the links Marty listed în other posts. It helped a lot. It helped also the links You both gave me.

A statement I found to Be especially true for me : grief has no time limit. Mourning is a life long process . 

I Hope I can talk to You again when I feel that pain is overwhellming .

Thank You again for not judgeing me,  and God bless You and your loved ones.

Ela

[MartyT]

13 minutes ago, Solitude said:

I cant talk to anyone about it and about my mum, what a wonderful person She was.

You can talk to us about your mum, Ela. Tell us what a wonderful person she was! What was special about her? Do you have a picture of her you'd be willing to share with us? We are here, and we are listening ♥

[Solitude]

12 minutes ago, MartyT said:

You can talk to us about your mum, Ela. Tell us what a wonderful person she was! What was special about her? Do you have a picture of her you'd be willing to share with us? We are here, and we are listening ♥

She was very bright, had a wonderful sense of humour, full of life and especially good hearted, willing to help other. Everything was special about her , because She was my mom. 

I do not have a pictures of her în my phone or laptop because She didnt like to poze. I only have few pictures on paper( classic ones) and I have to scan them on my laptop. I will do it some times, when I will not cry everytime I see a picture of her.

I didnt got to say good-bye, but I said a lot of I Love You Mom. When She was awake and în coma. 

Thank You and God bless You.

Ela

[MartyT]

2 minutes ago, Solitude said:

I didnt got to say good-bye, but I said a lot of I Love You Mom.

That's what really matters, Ela, and I'm sure your mum knew (and still knows) how much you love her. People die, but the love we have for one another never dies. The love you share with your mum will live forever in your heart and in your mind, just as long as you keep her memory alive. (See Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song)

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Solitude said:

I didnt got to say good-bye, but I said a lot of I Love You Mom. When She was awake and în coma. 

That's what matters, she knew you love her.  And while we grieve the rest of our lives, the intensity of pain lessens eventually and we adjust little by little to the changes it means for our life.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Solitude]

Thank You Kayc , Marty and I Praise Him for your kind words and warmth . 

Yesterday night i dreamed my mom. She was sorrounded by a bright light, în our bathroom, She touched me and I her. I woke up smiling and looking for her. Only to realise that was just a dream. And i cried, and cried.....

Today my husbant came home, packed his bags and told me he want a divorce. He is having an affair for 1 and 1/2 year with the ,,love of his life,, . 

My world is falling apart. I am standing next to my daughter, looking at her, and wondering what She and I did so wrong to deserve all this. 

My mom is dead, my husbant is gone, we are all alone in this world.

I dont know how much can I stand. Only the thought that She only has me in this world is keeping me alive.

Thank You for even reading this.

God bless You all.

Ela

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Solitude said:

Today my husbant came home, packed his bags and told me he want a divorce. He is having an affair for 1 and 1/2 year with the ,,love of his life,, . 

What?!  I'm so sorry, it sounds like you were blindsided and totally caught off guard, and that makes it really hard to register, you must be in shock.  As if you didn't have enough to deal with.  How old is your daughter?

17 hours ago, Solitude said:

My world is falling apart. I am standing next to my daughter, looking at her, and wondering what She and I did so wrong to deserve all this.

Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Ela, I've been on my own for years, my husband died almost 14 years ago, don't hear much from my kids, well, never from my daughter, so I too am on my own.  You'll be okay.  I'm growing old alone, nearly 67 and sometimes it can seem scary.  I am having a melanoma surgery Friday and somehow it sucks that I have to drive myself there and back, I don't like being alone all the time.  But I've learned to take it one day at a time and do what I have to do.  And I've been through divorce, it's hard but you'll make it through.

Your mom is in your corner rooting for you.  Praying for peace to come your way.

One day at a time, it's enough to handle that.  (((hugs)))

[Solitude]

Dear KayC

First, You are not alone. You are în my prayers and thought. Second, I am so, so, sorry for your diagnose. I will ask my priests to have a special service on friday for You. 

I am so sorry that I cant do more for You. I wish I could Be in person with You on friday to support You. 

My daughter is 14 month old. My husbant was having his love affair while I was 7 month pregnant. I didnt know up until 2 days ago. I was sooooo blind . 

My world was turned up side down once more în 4 months time.

I will go on for my daughter. 

Hugs for You too dear KayC.

May God bless You.

Ela

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Solitude said:

I was sooooo blind . 

Whatever you do, do not blame yourself, this is all on him.  Somehow it seems extra worse for this to happen while your pregnant with his child.

I'm glad you have your little girl.  It will be hard to co-parent after all this but you can do it...whatever is best for your daughter, keep that in mind.  In our state they make us take a parenting/divorce class before we can get divorced, I think it should be required everywhere.  He didn't always follow it, but I kept it in mind as a guidance.  There's things my kids don't know and hopefully won't ever find out, he's the only dad they have and I try to protect them, it's hard enough they have to deal with what they did observe.
I pray your little girl is a joy to you throughout your life and I'm glad she provides the incentive to keep going.  You'll discover just how strong you are, and I personally am in your corner.

Thank you for your wishes and prayers, I appreciate it.  I haven't had time to worry about the procedure or outcome, been too busy dealing with jumping through the hoops and trying to get information from/about my insurance policies.

[Solitude]

Hello again.

I havent been here for a while. It has been such a horrible period for me. I had a heart surgery  in september ( for my congestive heart failure ) . I coded 3 Times in the table but I Guess I am too stubborned to die. Or I love my daughter too much to leave her in such a Young age ( She is 21 month old now ).

In 4 days IT will be one year since my sweet mom had her stroke and in 31 days IT will be one year since She died.

I miss her more than ever . I feel lonlier more than ever. I dont know how I will celebrate Christmas without her but I owe to my daughter to do my Best and put a Happy face for her. She has been through a lot and I dont want to rob her the joy of Santa Claus. 

Sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes.

Wishing all of You a peacefull and beautifull Christmas.

Ela

[kayc]

Ela,

I wondered how the surgery turned out, I'm glad to hear from you!  You and I must both be too stubborn to die, my heart stopped during my last surgery.

Life has some good in it, there's your little girl and I'm sure she brings you much joy, but along with that there is also sadness and pain from loss/grief, I know because I live with it, just as you do.  I hope you have a good Christmas in spite of missing your mom, remember all the things she taught you so you can pass them on to your daughter.

(((hugs)))

Kay