2 weeks today, still spinning in grief

[April-S]

Today marks 2 weeks since I've lost my Quazar, an almost 13 year old Labrador. It would of been his 13th birthday today. I had the whole day planned out to celebrate him. Now I'm morning him instead. Today is aspecially hard as I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder to myself why he was chosen to be taken from me in such a horrible way. He passed from a hemangiosarcoma of the heart that ruptured filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with blood. The vet said they could drain the blood but their was a good chance he would pass from the procedure. Then it would of refilled right away or in weeks. It was a bandaid at best. He would of needed surgery, chemo and radiation. All providing maybe up to six month. She also said this type of cancer is very aggressive and had almost surely spread elsewhere in the body.

I have since read of holistic treatments that could of helped, and wonder if I made the right choice. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for giving up so easily. I've been beating my self up every minute of everyday. 

 I'm trying not to have the poor me attitude when I know others are suffering more then me in many ways. But my heart feels empty and if I could of had just a few more minutes to say good buy , I think the grief would be manigable. From the time we arrived at emergency to my finale good buy was only 1h and 30m. He just seemed in distress,  with laboured breathing and not able to get up. I could see how hard he was fighting, my big strong 88 pound boy. Reduced to laying down and barely lifting his head. I could not leave him in that condition just to take a few more minutes for myself to say good buy. Even though the vet said he was not in pain, I could see the distress in his eyes and it was killing me.

He was my first personal dog, I've had other pets but he was special. Our relationship was perfect and he made me whole. He made everyday sparkle and was always there for me no matter what.

No body in my life loves animals the way I do, my husband doesn't seem to understand the grief I feel. He loved Quazar a lot and Quazar loved us both equally. But right now I feel like I loved him more. Though he may just show grief in a different way, I'm trying not to judge. My patience have been none existent recently, that's where Quazar made me a better person. He was truley a gift. I'm hoping that writing to a group who shares their love of pets will help me start healing. 

Thank you to each and every one of you who have taken the time to read my post. To others that are grieving, I'm sending you all a big hugs.

 

This picture is of him just waking up from a nap,  he looks so sleepy, I miss him terribly.

[MartyT]

22 minutes ago, April-S said:

I have since read of holistic treatments that could of helped, and wonder if I made the right choice. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for giving up so easily. I've been beating my self up every minute of everyday. 

You chose to relieve your beloved Quazar of his suffering. You chose to end his suffering in exchange for the pain you are feeling now. This was a selfless act of love ~ and a decision made under the most trying of circumstances, with no opportunity to prepare. I think that it is only when you feel as if you have punished yourself enough that you will be able to let go of the guilt you are carrying now. But this guilt is a feeling that is neither justified nor rational. Not one person among us would judge you for doing what you did. That is why it helps so much to be with others who understand the pain of losing a cherished animal companion in the way that you lost your Quazar. We can help you to evaluate your own actions more objectively. We can shout out the verdict of "not guilty!!!" Given the condition that caused your dog's heart to fill with blood, and the likelihood that draining it would only delay its happening again, I don't see how any sort of holistic treatments could have helped. 

I want to point you to a couple of articles that I hope will be helpful for you:

Guilt In The Wake of A Euthanasia Decision

Loss and The Burden of Guilt

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[kayc]

I responded to you in your other thread, not sure if you read it or not.  Of course you are grieving Quazar, and when you love someone like that, it doesn't just go away, we continue to miss them the rest of our lives.  Try not to judge your husband, we all handle our grief differently, even men and women.  ]

I posted the first link article to you five days ago, have you had a chance to read it?  It's common, normal, to feel guilt in grief, but that doesn't mean we earned it or deserve to feel that way, it's just a natural grief response.  I think of it like we're what iffing ourselves, trying desperately to find a different possible outcome...what if we'd done this, what if we'd done that.  But the only outcome is what happened and any guilt thereafter fruitless.  The truth is that you made the right decision for him, the decision to alleviate his suffering...you cared more about him that yourself, which is what any good mom would do.  I've lost a lot of pets in my lifetime, and let me tell you, it was hard, but the criteria I've used when letting them go is 1) what is their quality of life?  2) Are they suffering?  3) Is there any realistic help for them overcoming what they're going through?  Depending on the answers, I've let them go accordingly.  When we prolong their lives because we're not ready to say goodbye, they suffer for it.  When we put them through unnecessary procedures and pain just to lose them ultimately, we feel bad that they went through all that for nothing but we also know we tried.  The truth is, no matter how it goes down, it's hard, and it feels unbearable.  It's hard to see their dishes on the floor, their leash that won't be used again, to miss the daily interaction we always shared.  We just miss them.

Sending you hugs and prayers for comfort.