A big gigantic hole in my heart

[April-S]

I know I've posted a couple times. But my heart is still broken. I've now read 2 books on grief and many articles and it has not lessened the pain. I just miss him terrible. My sweet black Labrador is missing from my life. I was not ready for this to happen. I really thought we had more time together. I should of hugged him more, told him he was the best dog more. Even though I did that daily I should of told him every time he looked at me. I know the wound is still fresh, it only happend on Easter Sunday. Passed from a hemangiosarcoma of the heart that burster leaving his pericardium full of blood.  I was given no good option but to send him over the rainbow bridge. But it still feels so tragic and unbearable . I never expected that I would take it this badly. Mornings and nights are the worst. I miss all our little rituals. Being that my husband  is the type that sleeps minamily, Quazar was  my constant night budy, he kept me company and was always by my side. Though he was independent and not very needy, that was me instead. He was always present when I was home, never more then a few feet away, unless we were in bed for the night, he slept right up against me. I miss that the most.  I know I will miss him forever, I'm just hoping the pain will lesson in time and that I can start focusing on the almost 13 great years we had together. I'm trying not to be so angry but know it's part of the process. I write to him almost daily, and I hope he hears my words. I  just hope one day I will receive a sign that he is over the rainbow bridge happy and at peace. It's really hard not thinking of the times I failed him by raising me voice, very rarely at him but in his presence. I know he didn't like to see his humans bicker. I am going to work really hard to make sure that changes, so any future pet  will not experience that. I'm sorry I'm rambling on, I'm hoping sharing my thoughts will ease the viciouse circle my thoughts are going in. I  just don't know what to do from here to stop crying everyday and wishing things were different. I know I can't change what happened, I'm just hoping to find some peace. Thank you so much for reading this, any advice is needed and welcomed.

[kayc]

April,

No amount of grief books or articles will lessen your pain right now, the pain is there because he isn't.    What grief books and articles can do for you is help you learn about grief, knowing what to expect, understanding your feelings are normal and honing your coping skills and adjustment.  You will adjust.  I can't say when, it's different for everyone.  You will never, however, stop loving or missing him.  In my opinion, loss of a faithful furry companion can be harder hitting than most loss of family/friends.  Why?  Because they have been there for us, unconditionally loving us, in our lives, day in, day out, and we miss everything with them, all the routines and interactions we shared with them.  I lost my husband 14 years ago, and that hit me extremely hard!  We were best friends, lovers, partners, we were so close, we spent all our time together.  It affected every aspect of my life, my income was suddenly cut in half, the person who did the other half of the chores, usually the things I didn't know how to do, car repairs, any heavy lifting, etc.  No longer was there that person to look at me with a twinkle in his eye.  No longer was there that person to snuggle up with at night, or cuddle with me on the love seat.  No longer that companion to go with me to church or social activities.  No longer the one who would go out in the woods with me to get a Christmas tree, or go camping with.

Ten years ago I adopted Arlie (dog) from rescue, he was a year old, his owners hadn't bothered looking for him when he went missing.  He didn't appear to have been taught anything, to have been in a house or car.  That says a lot about the owners.  He wasn't housebroken.  Within 2 weeks he was fully housebroke, and he's the smartest dog I've ever seen!  Having Husky in him, he's strong-willed and I had to learn some tricks for handling him.  After chewing up everything in my place he settled down (about a year).  I've walked him twice a day, had a roof put on his pen, a fence built for him to run in.  He's very smart but also very goofy.  He made up games to play with me.  He loves belly rubs.  He's very considerate, never waking me unless he's sick and needs to go out.  He has acute chronic colitis, so I cook for him and give him Probiotics and Metamucil to control it.  Being a huge dog, he's a self-appointed guard dog and does a great job of it.  He's not prone to barking unless there's (in his eyes) an intruder, he's quiet, but he does the Husky talk and I've learned to interpret the different tones and levels of his voice.  He's very good at communicating.  I love this dog more than my life!  When he goes, I imagine it will hit me pretty close to the level of losing my husband, even though it won't affect nearly as many aspects of my life as my husband did.  It's just, I'm growing old, alone, and my dog is the one I talk to, spend time with, interact with, he's all I have.  I have a cat but she's all about herself, very different from my dog.  I had a cat I was close to but I lost her nearly three years ago.  I know I'll never have a dog like this one again and it terrifies me that I might not have much longer with him...he's half Golden Retriever and with it comes cysts and the threat of cancer.  The average lifespan of a Golden Retriever is 9 years, Husky 10-12 years.  So I feel like we're on borrowed time.  And I don't know how I'll live without him...except I imagine I'll have to do it much like I did when I lost George.  It will be excruciating and hard, I know that.  I will be in the same place you are.  I also know I'll get another dog.  I can't imagine life without one, even though none could ever take Arlie's place.  I can't get the same breed because of my aging, Huskies are powerfully strong.  I've learned some tricks for handling him but even so, my next dog will take me into my 80s, I can't picture me being 80 and walking a Husky.  This is my favorite breed of all the dogs I've had and it pains me I can't have another.

Your dog is very sweet, I can tell, I grew up with a lab, I was five when I got him, and he was a great family dog.  He endured me dressing him up in doll clothes and dragging him around with a leash when I was a little girl.  He got distemper and we all bean-picked all summer to pay for his vet bill...he was at the vet's in a cage recovering all summer, and we'd go down there and cry and throw our arms around his neck, I imagine the vet normally charged 10 times what he did us, but who could help but try to get an animal well with all these children crying for him!  He did recover.  He got hit by a car once when he escaped, and his leg turned back when he sat down after that, but he walked/ran just fine.  

It will take much time to get used to your life without him, it always does.  With some animals the bond is so strong it takes longer than with others, and I imagine this is the case with yours.  I'm sorry it hurts so much, I know the pain all too well.  I guess it's the price for loving, but I wouldn't do without one minute shared with my dog and my guess is you wouldn't either.  I'm glad you said yes to euthanasia because you were really saying no to his suffering.  That's what we do when we love them more than ourselves.  

It won't be as painful as right now is, forever.  You will continue to miss him but it will gradually feel it's more bearable even though you don't like it, that's how our bodies are wired.  We are resilient, even when we don't feel like it at the time, it's taking place underneath the surface where we can't see or realize it, but it's happening even now, this is all part of the process of grief.

[April-S]

Thank you so much  for your kindness and compassion you have shown me. You are truly one in a million  a very special person with a beautiful soul. You are so very strong, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am so very sorry for the looses you have endured. Your words have helped me so much. Having some one who truly understand what im going through is priceless. I cannot wait for the day I'm ready to welcome home a new friend. I know I can never replace Quazar, but I know sooner then later it will be time for a new furry friend. I miss all the  unconditional love we share with our pets.. I know every one is different on how long they wait to adopt a new family member, I'm sure I will know when the time is right. You have really helped me and I am grateful I  found this wonderful group, especially you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[kayc]

I usually wait a while before getting another, I know the timetable is different for everyone, it was three months without a dog last time and I opened the newspaper and saw Arlie's beautiful smile looking back at me and I knew I had to have him.  You will know when the time is right and when you meet one that is meant to be part of your family.  With all the havoc and expense he cost me in that first year, I've never had a regret, he means more to me than any furniture or shoes he's chewed up.  And by now he's the perfect (for me) dog, thoughtful and considerate and I enjoy him immensely.  It will happen again for you too, when it's the right time.

Right now I look at your dog's sweet face and I understand what it is about him that you love and miss.  I wish we could bypass this pain, it's hard to endure, but hold on, it will lessen eventually.  (((hugs)))