Being consumed by the black monster

[JTP]

Another Saturday. The calendar tells me it is 21 weeks (147 days) today since Bob died on December 15, 2018. I disagree - it was just a few minutes ago.  We had finished decorating the tree, putting up some outside decorations and were out in the yard playing with the dog. It was 4:30 pm. It was a perfect, ordinary day. We spent it together. Happy doing little things. I came in the house - Bob stayed outside to get some Christmas gifts out of the car. I got ready for the hot tub. Went to get a glass of wine for Bob - looked outside and there he was lying on the ground. I ran outside and as soon as I saw him I knew he was gone - I will never forget his eyes. I call 911 and started CPR. Help arrived but Bob was gone. He had no history - no symptoms. How could this have happened? Why did he no stand a chance? 

I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day.

I have reached out to grief counsellors - no help there. As a nurse and bereavement counsellor in the past - I know all the "stages", I know you have to "go thru it" - it is all crap. No one understands. The pain consumes. It has an energy all of its own.  I have no energy - I have no interest. I have a dog who gets me up every day. I can't do what I did with Bob and I can't do things I never did with Bob. And don't dare tell me I am stuck!!! One person told me this reaction was my "choice" - and then whenever I "choose" to move forward - let him know and he would help. All I learned from him was how to say NO - when he asked if I would like to talk to him again - I said NO. The second person at least had some empathy but all else she had was a checklist - do this, this and this - it might help. Otherwise time and btw - I know this is awful for you. 

I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. 

My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?

[Johnny]

JTP, so very sorry for the loss of your dearly beloved

My dear wife Rene'e passed away right before Christmas. We were married on Oct. 6th 2018, and she unexpectedly passed away on Nov. 30th 2018. We were only married for just shy of two months. It was to be our first Christmas together and we had managed to put the lights on the tree and half the decorations. She was my first and only marriage and my whole world. I have never had anyone in my life who cared so much for me and everyday we were happily busy planning how we would spend the rest of our lives together; the trips we would take; fixing up our home together; how we would spend the holiday; and on and on....

Our last night together was one of our most tender loving beautiful nights we ever spent together. She just had her hair permed earlier that day and I told her over and over how beautiful I thought she looked.

She passed away in her sleep as she lay in bed beside me due to an accidental mixed prescription overdose. Her son's Christmas present was under her purse lying on the kitchen counter. He was planning to come see us for Christmas in two weeks. He was her only child from her first marriage and was the love of her life. She was so excited that she would be seeing him again so soon. The last time she saw him was on our wedding day. She loved him so much. She had his initials tattooed in the inside of her wrist of her right arm and she would often place it over her heart when she thought of him.

I feel as if I died that night when she died. I do not even feel like the same person. I barely recognize who I am when I look in the mirror. All I can think about is the wonderful life I lost and how much it hurts to have her gone. I can not imagine a future for myself and I have been going through the motions for over five months. It feels like an existence but not a life. All happiness and joy has left me and I feel nothing but pain from the time I wake up till the moment I close my eyes to sleep. This is such a very hard way to live.

I am glad there are people here who understand what it feels like to lose the one person that is the greatest love of their lives; their soulmate; their entire world.

This is a good place with people who really do understand.

[JTP]

Thank you for having the understanding and the strength to respond to my pain. 

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, JTP said:

Another Saturday.

I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day.

I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. 

My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?

JTP:  So sorry you have had to join this forum, but it is a good place to find those who do understand.   I lost my "Bob" in 2015 after almost 51 years of marriage.  Your introduction does not say how long you were married, but it really doesn't matter how long you were married - it just matters that someone you loved so deeply is no longer with you.

I can't advise an easy path to take to get you through this pain.  Each one of us have our own path to walk.  Mine has been to take one day at a time and take deep breaths whenever I don't think I can do this anymore and there so many days I still don't think I can do one more minute of this life. 

You are blessed to have a support system of family and friends close by.  Take care and know you are not alone.  Dee

[CairnLady]

JTP,

I am truly so very sorry for your loss.

I lost my beloved husband Michael suddenly in July 2016  (coming up on 3 years).  I still struggle.

We were married 27 years. I absolutely understand.  I see myself in your words. 

As Dee said, I do my best to take one day at a time, otherwise my grief overwhelms me. It indeed is a monster.

I am glad you have a good support system, but sometimes people says things that are callous and hurtful because they cannot begin to fathom your pain and what you are going through. Only those who have suffered this greatest and most horrible loss can understand.

I send you my sincere wishes for peace in your heart, comfort and solace.

[scba]

JTP,

I can see myself in each word you wrote. I lost my boyfriend in 2014.

This is THE place of caring and understanding. Grief is a lonely place, but not here.

Ana

 

[KarenK]

JTP,

"I've been killed and I have been left alive" is a quote from Ana, another one of our members. I think that thought remains constant with most of us here because we do understand. I'm so sorry you've had to join us, but we welcome you and will walk beside you on this most treacherous journey. There is no "being stuck", no "choice" that you made. It was made for you. You will adapt in your own time. I don't say "accept", only "adapt" because that is what we do.

I lost my husband Ron to cancer 6 years ago after 41 years of marriage. A year later, I was slammed with the death of my daughter, also to cancer. They had no "choice". Neither did I.

You will "move forward", whether it be one minute at a time, or one hour at your own pace. Ignore those with their petty remarks and suggestions They will never "get it".

Peace to you,

Karen

[JTP]

My heart breaks for each of you - that you have the words to respond to me with love, support and understanding speaks volumes to your own experiences. You are right - it sucks that we needed to join this group - but from these initial responses I can feel it is a place of understanding. People don't want to listen anymore - they have returned to their lives - but seem to have forgotten I do not have a life to return to. My life was wiped out in a instant - what a quote " I have been killed and left alive". Speaks volumes

[Kieron]

I'll add my welcome, JTP, and essentially echo what has already been said, and to note that, oh my gosh, it's been 5 months or so for you since Bob died.  The grief must be so fresh and raw, and running hot, as it does now.  I "get" the feeling about waiting for him.  For weeks I felt like I was waiting for him to come back from somewhere, or I would come home from work and then think, "Oh yeah, he's not here..."   For me, it's been just about 26 months.  Even yesterday, I came home from a day-long class I am taking as a way to make a step in a new direction in life, and felt the sadness welling up again because he isn't here to ask how it went or offer encouragement.  Ana's quote, and KarenK's about the choice being made for you, are both so on-point. Wiped out in an instant, and for no apparent reason, no signs or hints of what was to come, no way to say goodbye. 😔  My heart goes out to you, for that alone.

[kayc]

JTP, I'm sorry I've been gone for three days and haven't responded sooner...of course you have pain, it's still so new and around six months (can be five or seven) is one of the hardest periods as shock has worn off, support stays home, and we're left reeling with the aftermath of what it's done to our lives.  I can't say how I've gotten by 14 years, there were times it was especially tough, mostly winging it as nothing prepares you for this, but trying to do one day at a time has helped.  And trying to find something good in the day has taught me to live in the present more and to find something good in the day, acknowledge and embrace it, no matter how brief, and nothing is considered too insignificant to qualify.  Those good moments if embraced can add up to making a difference in our lives, I hope you can learn to experience that too, it's kind of an art that we learn by practice.

 

[JTP]

Thanks Kay. Confirmation of personal experiences as being normal and what others feel (or have felt) comforts. The words to a song keep popping in my mind "I don't want a man I can live with, I want a man I can't live without" and that is who Bob is to me - the man I can't live without. I can do all the things around the house that need to be done - I can work saws and drills and such, the shovelling and lawn care - I can do that too. I can look after the bills and get the groceries. I can do all that. I can appreciate when something is funny - I have laughed since Bob died BUT I can't breathe easily without his presence nearby, I can't do any of the things we did together because he is not there, I can't do anything I didn't do without him because I know I am doing it because he is not with me. I am in a big black hole filled with pain, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak. The best I can hope for is to get used to living here. When this hole gets to be too much - my mind is a wonderful thing. It takes me to my make belief world - where Bob is just "away" and will be coming back - maybe not today or tomorrow but he will be back. I just have to wait.

[kayc]

I was married four times.  Three ended in divorce.  The only man I ever married that I felt I couldn't live without was George.  To me that should be the criteria for getting married.  It's so heartbreaking to have finally found "the one" and then lose him early to death, we were so happy together.  

The way I stand this is 1) Take one day at a time.  I can do today.  Tomorrow I'll get up and do it all over again.  Yes I know that sounds like Groundhog Day.  But I can't take on the whole "rest of my life", that seems too much and sends me into anxiety.  2) Find what good there is in today, no matter how small, acknowledge and embrace it. 3) It helps to have something to look forward to, a trip to my sister's or getting to see one of my kids or grandkids.  

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

3) It helps to have something to look forward to, a trip to my sister's or getting to see one of my kids or grandkids.  

Honestly that's a real key for survival and sanity. Nothing in life feels like it did before, and without something to look forward to, the misery level is astronomical. Even something as basic as the start of a new season of a show you enjoy can give a small spark of anticipation. Anything that breaks up the monotony is a plus. I especially look forward to the UPS guy delivering an Amazon box. 😀

[Gin]

Mitch, I guess. that means I have to order something!  Gin

[JTP]

Hi Kay - the one day at a time is my motto. I have a quote I use as a bookmark "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is the little voice at the end of the daythat says "I'll try again tomorrow" - to me - that is life right now.

And Mitch - you are right on the Amazon guy - we may be what is keeping them in business

[iPraiseHim]

On 5/11/2019 at 9:37 AM, JTP said:

Another Saturday. The calendar tells me it is 21 weeks (147 days) today since Bob died on December 15, 2018. I disagree - it was just a few minutes ago.  We had finished decorating the tree, putting up some outside decorations and were out in the yard playing with the dog. It was 4:30 pm. It was a perfect, ordinary day. We spent it together. Happy doing little things. I came in the house - Bob stayed outside to get some Christmas gifts out of the car. I got ready for the hot tub. Went to get a glass of wine for Bob - looked outside and there he was lying on the ground. I ran outside and as soon as I saw him I knew he was gone - I will never forget his eyes. I call 911 and started CPR. Help arrived but Bob was gone. He had no history - no symptoms. How could this have happened? Why did he no stand a chance? 

I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day.

I have reached out to grief counsellors - no help there. As a nurse and bereavement counsellor in the past - I know all the "stages", I know you have to "go thru it" - it is all crap. No one understands. The pain consumes. It has an energy all of its own.  I have no energy - I have no interest. I have a dog who gets me up every day. I can't do what I did with Bob and I can't do things I never did with Bob. And don't dare tell me I am stuck!!! One person told me this reaction was my "choice" - and then whenever I "choose" to move forward - let him know and he would help. All I learned from him was how to say NO - when he asked if I would like to talk to him again - I said NO. The second person at least had some empathy but all else she had was a checklist - do this, this and this - it might help. Otherwise time and btw - I know this is awful for you. 

I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. 

My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?

Reading your story, I can so relate to your pain and grief.  This group and wonderful people here listened and understood when I couldn't grasp exactly what happened to my beloved wife.  The Shock and Awe of her sudden death rocked me to the core.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. and had trouble just breathing.  It's been four years now and life after has never been the same.  this place helped me to sort out life and learn tools to deal with this grief and healing journey.  MartyT, has some great resources here that really help and all these wonderful people listen, care, and share.  You are not alone for all of us here understand your grief and learning to cope with this afterlife. Welcome to the group that nobody wants to join yet we are drawn together with this common bond. {{{Hugs}}} - George - Shalom

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m trying to figure out how to do this when I can’t find one thing to look forward to.  Maybe going to sleep, that’s it.  It’s no way to live.  No family.  Found out a friend of 18 years is dying, probably in the next few days.  I went to see him and recognized what I saw with Steve.  I cancelled a doc appointment so I could see my counselor and go by to see him again tomorrow if he is still alive.  

Its truly humbling what the loss cycle brings now.  I’m getting cut off from so many things I used to do and struggle with the isolation.  I don’t count the myriad of doctor visits and calls as being involved in life.  How to fill the voids perplexes me.  

Unfortunately, Amazon doesn’t have anything I want or need.  What I want doesn’t come in a box.  😪

[Robinandkevin]

I am so sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you I know nothing I say will ever bring back the one thing you want your Bob I lost my Kevin almost three years ago I could not see a future, I didn’t want a future without him he was my world I wanted the past no part of the new nightmare I was living I wanted my world back, it is not an easy road it’s full of pain and feeling lost and empty but the hope is in finding a way to keep going to keep moving on it takes time and everyone has their own grief journey for me I learned to forgive myself for any guilt I felt , I took one baby steps, I held on to our love and kept it inside me, when I was at my lowest I could hold onto that love to keep me going slowly I learned to smile again, I had had a love some people will never know and I was blessed and lucky to have him in my life for 26 years, I still cry and feel empty, I still miss him I always will but for me he is always with me in my heart guiding me through this new nightmare I hope one day you are able to find some peace in this new nightmare we never wanted hugs to you Robin💜

[JTP]

I sit here feeling so anxious. I feel it building - building. Today is five months since Bob died. Funny I can type those words but I don't accept them. I just need to wait - wait and wait and wait - and he will be here again. Today I figured out the difference between forever and eternity - I will love Bob forever - I have to live without him by my side for eternity. Forever is so positive, so happy. Eternity is so negative, so sad and forlorn. 

[kayc]

I believe I will be with George again, I don't think I could handle it if I didn't have that hope, but I know some of you don't believe the same.  There's one more term, "infinity", we had that symbol on our wedding bands.

[Robinandkevin]

I remember those month markers so well thinking one more month without Kevin it felt like forever yet felt like it just happened not knowing if could handle one more day one more second without him I truly believe that Bob is with you still he will be with you always in your heart whenever you feel low look to your heart and remember the love, remember the joy and maybe just maybe eternity won’t feel so long hugs 💜

[JTP]

Thank you and you are right with "time". It seems grief has its own internal clock and it moves very very slowly. Sometime it seems like it hasn't moved at all. Bob died just as the sun was setting. I remember it was light out when I was doing CPR yet the paramedics needed flashlights. It was 4:44 pm so now when the sun sets - to me it should be 4:44 and I cannot figure out how it is still light out at 9pm. As far as I am concerned - it is just the next day. 

I do believe that Bob is still here with me - he does occasionally send messages (he sent a bob cat to my deck 3 months after he died) but he seems to come on his schedule not mine 😢. 

[Robinandkevin]

I totally agree when I would look for signs would never see them it’s when I stopped looking I would see them it’s like he knew when I needed it most my heart truly goes out to you  to everyone who is here 💜

[Kieron]

Beautiful wild creature!

Speaking of this and other signs, I told this story elsewhere here... Last fall, when I was standing by the tree that was planted in Mark's memory, getting ready to spread his ashes around the base of the tree, a little butterfly alighted, ever so briefly, on the mound of bark mulch, dipped its wings, and then flitted away.  I found out later this small butterfly is called Question Mark, for the little markings on it that resemble the ? symbol.  It definitely felt like a sync wink, as a friend calls them.

[shebert56]

JTP, wow on the bobcat!  Don't doubt for a moment that it wasn't a sign from Bob.  Those in the spirit world are always with us, always.  Unfortunately, not on our terms, but they are here. 💜

Kieron, same here.  Your soul knows.  😊

I've had many signs from Stephen since he transitioned.  I still have them,  just don't always see them.  Two days ago I had a weepy moment.  Later when I came to my computer, it was at the start screen with his name up.  This has happened multiple times.  No doubt he popped in to say hi.  So I talk to him, invite him in to join me anytime he can.

~Shirley