Being consumed by the black monster

[kayc]

2 hours ago, shebert56 said:

So I talk to him, invite him in to join me

I do that too.  Good to know I haven't gone over the edge.

[TomPB]

On 5/11/2019 at 9:37 AM, JTP said:

Another Saturday. The calendar tells me it is 21 weeks (147 days) today since Bob died on December 15, 2018. I disagree - it was just a few minutes ago.  We had finished decorating the tree, putting up some outside decorations and were out in the yard playing with the dog. It was 4:30 pm. It was a perfect, ordinary day. We spent it together. Happy doing little things. I came in the house - Bob stayed outside to get some Christmas gifts out of the car. I got ready for the hot tub. Went to get a glass of wine for Bob - looked outside and there he was lying on the ground. I ran outside and as soon as I saw him I knew he was gone - I will never forget his eyes. I call 911 and started CPR. Help arrived but Bob was gone. He had no history - no symptoms. How could this have happened? Why did he no stand a chance? 

I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day.

I have reached out to grief counsellors - no help there. As a nurse and bereavement counsellor in the past - I know all the "stages", I know you have to "go thru it" - it is all crap. No one understands. The pain consumes. It has an energy all of its own.  I have no energy - I have no interest. I have a dog who gets me up every day. I can't do what I did with Bob and I can't do things I never did with Bob. And don't dare tell me I am stuck!!! One person told me this reaction was my "choice" - and then whenever I "choose" to move forward - let him know and he would help. All I learned from him was how to say NO - when he asked if I would like to talk to him again - I said NO. The second person at least had some empathy but all else she had was a checklist - do this, this and this - it might help. Otherwise time and btw - I know this is awful for you. 

I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. 

My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?

Yes, I understand perfectly. I had exactly the same experience on 3/31/17. Couldn't even say goodbye after 48 yrs of unconditional love. Changed from a single entity Tom&Susan to being alone in 5 min with no warning. This kind of loss adds trauma to grief. I've had the same experiences with people with a timetable for "getting over it". But I have had a great experience with a grief counselor. I think that's because she has had her own losses, the long death of her husband and the sudden death of her daughter. The shared experience makes the bond. Best wishes TomPB

[JTP]

Thanks Tom for the understanding of the added loss. I feel the "protection" of the trauma/shock is starting to fade and recognition of Bob's death is starting. While many think that five months has passed - I beg to differ. To me I am starting as if he died today. 

[Gwenivere]

That’s about when it hit me too, JTB.  Now into my 5th year I’m not feeling that, but the day after day still wanting to talk to him and feel like I matter to one other human being.  I did have to kinda relive those last moments as a friend just died a couple days ago.  As to those that think enough time has passed, they know nothing.  People think they get it.  I had done so much anticipatory grief I thought I did too, til it happened to me.  This has changed so much about me and one of the biggies is an anger that erupts when an outsider talks to me like they know how it feels.  I’m usually very patient with people, but not on that.  

[JTP]

I so agree - no one quite knows how we feel. Those who have walked before us (you for me) come the closest but each of us has our own unique grief because we are unique and our relationship with our loved one is unique. Just as the magnitude of our love for each other was incomprehensible by most - so is my grief. I recently read a book titled "Don't take my grief away from me" - and that is a line I want to shout from the rooftops. To me, it is my last act of love with the human being I call Bob. I will learn to have an equally strong, loving spiritual relationship and as I do this - don't belittle my grief, my feelings, my emotions, my love by telling me "I know how you feel". If you have been down this road then you know with absolute certainty that you do not know how I feel.

[kayc]

All I know is George and I were everything to each other and there is no replacing that.  I am very aware each and every day I live that he is missing.  

[shebert56]

On 5/17/2019 at 1:13 PM, JTP said:

It was 4:44 pm so now when the sun sets - to me it should be 4:44

JTP,  I can certainly understand why 444 can be painful for you.  (I've recently started seeing 444 either in the middle of the night or during the day when I happen to look at the clock.)

Perhaps the below might give you some ease.  It did for me. 

~Shirley

 

Repetitively seeing 444 is a blessing. Seeing 3-digit number patterns like 444 is a sign that you’re receiving divine messages from higher realms.  These angel messages are very important to you at this time of your life and they serve as clues or guideposts to help you along your journey. Because you're always being guided, have faith that you have total divine support.

Above all, when you see number 444 repeatedly, the Universe wants you to know that whatever you're going through, you're going to be okay.  Just remember that your guardian angel was assigned to protect you in all ways – so hold on and persevere, follow your inner compass that points toward the light, and you'll get through this safely. That's a promise.

Because there are multiple reasons why you are seeing 444, it's essential to carefully listen to the soft whispers of your heart and sense what 444 means to you.  Follow your intuition for the next right steps. To help you along, here are the 5 common spiritual meanings and reasons of why you are seeing angel number 444 everywhere.

1st Meaning of 444: You are on the Path of Awakening

When you see 444, it's a sign to let you know that you’re on the path of spiritual awakening. You have become more aware of the spirit within you as you are feeling the subtle energies of the Universe. The more you start learning about this new path, the more you want to discover who you really are. Are you suddenly more interested in the spiritual nature of things? Are you into spiritual books and people? The number 444 is here to tell that you’re awakening and you're on the right track of entering another dimension on a higher spiritual plane.

2nd Meaning of 444: You are Fully Supported in Your Life Journey

The angels want you to know that they are close by to assist you in your life journey.  Because you have free will, they cannot interfere in your life until you give them permission.  All you have to do is ask them for help and guidance, and they will be ready to help you.  Talk to them as you would chat with a friend, and ask questions about anything and everything that matters to you. Remember that angels love you unconditionally and want to help you, but they can’t interfere unless you ask for their help!

3rd Meaning of 444: You Are on the Right Path, Just Trust

Another possible reason why you’re seeing 444 is that you’re on the right path in your life. 444 is a clear sign from the Universe that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be in this moment of your life.

Trust your journey, trust the way your life unfolds, and trust that you are where you need to be at the present moment. In other words, 444 is your messenger telling you to have faith and be confident that things are going in the right direction in your life.

4th Meaning of 444: You Are in Harmony with the Universe

Whenever you’re seeing 444, the angels tell you that you’re resonating with the Universe in perfect synchronicity. You’re living a truly harmonic moment with creation, and you’re ready to unravel its deepest mysteries. The meaning of 444 is that you’ve become aware of the spiritual dimension and the energies within and around you. The more you learn about yourself as a spiritual being, the more you will understand that you’re not separated from existence, but you are one with the Universe, always in perfect harmony. And this is amazing!

5th Meaning of 444: Listen to Your Intuition

Once you understand that you’re fully supported on the path of awakening and that you’re unconditionally loved and vibrating in harmony with infinite creation, all that’s left for you is to listen to your intuition.

This is the 5th significance of 444, and perhaps the most important of all.

What this means is that you’ve reached the point in your life where you’re ready to transcend personal limitations, society conditioning, and anything that stops you from becoming your True Self. Follow your heart and listen to what resonates with you, and this will lead you to your life purpose and True Self.

Seeing 444 is no coincidence at all. It is a divine sign from the Universe to help guide you on the right path.

Embrace everything that happens in your life by trusting how things unfold. And remember: you’re exactly where you need to be right here, right now!

 

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, shebert56 said:

JTP,  I can certainly understand why 444 can be painful for you.  (I've recently started seeing 444 either in the middle of the night or during the day when I happen to look at the clock.)

Perhaps the below might give you some ease.  It did for me. 

~Shirley

Above all, when you see number 444 repeatedly, the Universe wants you to know that whatever you're going through, you're going to be okay.  Just remember that your guardian angel was assigned to protect you in all ways – so hold on and persevere, follow your inner compass that points toward the light, and you'll get through this safely. That's a promise.

Seeing 444 is no coincidence at all. It is a divine sign from the Universe to help guide you on the right path.

Shirley and JTB:  I too have noticed seeing the repeat of 44 or 444 throughout my day.  I googled the incidence and came across the article similar to what Shirley shared.  Many times I started to ask this forum if anyone else has experienced seeing a repeat of numbers, but thought I would be considered more weird than I often feel about myself anymore.  I would love to believe it is a divine sign telling me I am on the right path.   Maybe it is a beginning for me since I so much want to have a direction. 

Shirley, thank you for being informed and well versed in your explanation.  I do enjoy reading your comments.  Dee

[kayc]

Shirley,

Wow!  Did you study numerology or something?  I never knew there could be so many meanings...

Thank you for the reminder about the guardian angel, I tend to feel alone so it helps to remember that.

[shebert56]

8 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I would love to believe it is a divine sign telling me I am on the right path.   Maybe it is a beginning for me since I so much want to have a direction.

I don't question if it's a divine sign.  I  am spiritual but not religious, quite a different path for me since Stephen transitioned.  God, Spirit, the Universe - we're all a part of the whole. 

Angels and spirit guides are everywhere. Trust your heart. 💙

~Shirley