loss of pet l FAILED MY LITTLE ONE, I'M FULL OF GUILT

[Maylissa]

Parker's Mom,

I feel so bad for all of you.

Yes, this all sounds wholly insufficient, negligent, and, as you put it, sinister. I would start writing that letter. I know it will be very hard to detail everything and relive it more again, but I suspect you will feel some relief and satisfaction for having taken a step toward seeking justice for your boy and for how you feel you failed him. And of course if it goes anywhere, an investigation might net you some answers, instead of sustained wondering, which only keeps you more stuck and in limbo. Even if you get no new answers, at least you'll know that you tried. Whereas if you didn't try, you'll likely just feel that much worse about yourself....and considering how you're already feeling about yourself, do you think you could stand to feel even worse? So you'd also be doing it for YOU. But that would also ripple out to benefit Leroy and Porter. And consider this: perhaps there ARE more records, but they were just kept from you. Wouldn't it be worth it to find out? Remember, this vet won't have to prove anything to the state or any other agency if you don't pursue this. And since you can concurrently cite a present suit already filed against him, that could really help your complaint receive more attention.

But I'm unsure what you mean about him blaming the food. Does that mean Parker wasn't fasted prior to his appointment/surgery?  If so, yes, he could have aspirated during surgery, and that can indeed cause death. Or did he mean that his food was not "good" for him, so he was deeming him not healthy enough to withstand surgery? If he thought so, of course he shouldn't have done anything to your boy at all until going over options with you.

12 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I didn't get any other info from him except to say he gave him the right amount of meds per kg per pound.

 "Meds"?? Is this the anesthetic he was speaking about, or something else? And were you able to ask other questions which weren't answered, or were you just in too much shock at the time to think of questions to ask? (what I would expect from someone in shock, as should any professional in the business!)

AbsoLUTEly, every vet should be documenting medical procedures and making surgical notations as a matter of course. And yes, you should have been contacted if there were issues with Parker's reactions to the staff. Everything about this is altogether extremely fishy and untrustworthy.

And to un-empathetically say, "It happens," and leave it at that?! Whoa...BRUTAL. It tells you what kind of a cold-blooded person you're dealing with...the kind who should NOT be working with animals. 😡

Oh dear, sigh, I was just about to ask you about a necropsy, too... To my mind, that should have been one of the very FIRST things offered up afterwards, considering how unexpected this was. This guy is most likely always trying to cover his own a**. Most people don't think about those until it's too late (another one of these hard lessons learned). I had looked into one for my boy, but I learned the city-run lab that normally does them apparently "makes a real mess" of animals' bodies, so much so that they suggest you don't ask for their body back! And because I wanted to initially bury my boy at home, I couldn't agree to that, NOR to their utter disrespect of animals' bodies, as opposed to those of human autopsies. Our vet confirmed their terrible treatment of their bodies. And yet, she hadn't informed me after his death that SHE could have performed the necropsy herself. So I missed out on finding out how much cancer my boy had been riddled with, and where it all was. However, you're right -- they do NOT have to be performed w/i hours. My vet told me "a few days" is fine, and it's quite routinely done that way since they have to schedule them in, same as other surgeries.

I'm very glad you got some verification of your suspicions from your regular vet on this other vet's deficient notes. And yes, to write "fractious" itself, is alarming. I find it downright insulting and wrong to call any animal such a disparaging word, much less by a supposed animal 'professional'!...basically implying that the animal is acting frightened and anxious to spite you, since its meaning includes "irritable and quarrelsome, unruly, hard to control." That's different from just "nervous," or even anxious. It's just blameshifting about your one's own lack of proper handling or other calming methods. Again, probably tells you a lot about this guy's attitudes AND lack of even basic understanding about dogs.

Not to discourage you, because these crimes are on the rise and it does take activism to stop their spread, but in general, you're right -- many bad vets DO get away with murder...and egregious abuse and torture, severe neglect, etc. However, there are some who DO get charged or even stopped from practicing. The Dr. Kristen Lindsey DVM, high-profile case is one example you may have read about...despite her having loads of money and her parents' community clout: http://veterinarynews.dvm360.com/texas-cat-killing-veterinarian-loses-state-supreme-court-appeal . More cases are covered more often in the media now, which does seem to help some. That vet tech I mentioned earlier, quit because of the ongoing, secretive animal abuse she witnessed by the chief vet at one clinic here (who had also worked for the city's Humane Society earlier!), which she tried to stop, but was then threatened with termination. He then tried to blackball her from working elsewhere. But later she did find another clinic who hired her. So we can never give up the fight to help these poor victims...and from what you've said to date, I believe Parker was another victim, too. And just maybe, some of this vet's staff might actually know something and care, too, but are being threatened with termination. You might consider trying to speak to one or some of them, when you know that vet isn't in (just get someone else to anonymously call and ask if he's in), documenting any conversations you might have.

I hate to touch on some of these points because of how upsetting they might be, but I'd feel remiss if I didn't try and help you "unpack" more of what could be important. So I will ask...did you actually see Parker's body before he was cremated? Or did they dissuade you from saying "good-bye," being with, and viewing him? Because if so, that would be yet another red flag that needs to be stated  in your formal complaint. If they didn't offer or allow that, it could be they were hiding clues to whatever happened that they didn't want anyone to see or ask questions about. And if they did allow that later, perhaps they were busy cleaning him up first, hence the big delay in informing you? 

I read that article you included...and I'm not surprised. Brokenhearted over yet another horrible case, but not surprised. I can see where you're going with that. But seriously, people don't need any studies or cases to "read" animals' behaviours. They rather speak for themselves, imo, and even a general understanding of why they react as they sometimes do is helpful. But certainly, anyone in the vet/tech profession, of all things, should be quite well-versed in animal behaviour to begin with, or they should change careers! That said, I also know how most are taught to be UNemotional, UNfeeling, and totally detached (in essence, training their brains to be akin to sociopaths, for heaven's sake), in order to get them to carry out all the unethical procedures they're normally required to subject innocent animals to during their training. (that vet tech I mentioned had also refused to take part in the brutal operations, then killing of these animals during her own training, as more students are now also protesting; she still got her license)  In any case, as you said, this vet already had past experience with Parker's individual personality, so had no excuse for not anticipating his reactions and either stopping what was merely an elective procedure, calling you to come help calm him, or whatever. The fact that that clinic doesn't have any good methodologies in place to deal with such anxiety in animals is also an indication of their lack of care or concern.  

Do you mind me asking why exactly your husband was insisting Parker go there? And why on Christmas Eve of all times? If you don't want to say, no worries. Yes, I can imagine "tension" is rather an understatement as a result. 🙁 It's probably not going to be easy working through all that, and I'm so sorry your awful story is what came of it. But at least you're both going for help with it, and that's also better than just trying to avoid the whole, painful process.

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hello My Little One,
I am again, missing you.  I'm trying not to send you sad vibes. I don't want you to be sad wherever you are.  Your brothers have been quieter since we are missing you. You were the pack leader. You were energetic, crazy, and loved to tease your brother, Leroy. He misses you. I see it in his face. Parker, you brought out the spunk in him. Now Leroy seems to be going back in his shell.  I feel bad for him. I hope you can send him a sign and let him know you are watching over him.  I remember when you would groom him. It made Leroy felt so loved by you.  When he was sick, Parker, you were right there to kiss and groom him. You knew Leroy was sick and you did all you could to make him feel comfortable. When your brother Porter was recovering from being mauled, you did the same to make him feel loved and comfortable. You groomed him and showered him with love. It was your love that made your brothers get well. We all miss that. It's hard for me some days to believe you are not here. My baby, that's when I break down and cry a river. I don't want you to see me like that.

I wish you could be here. I miss you, little guy. I used to call you Little Peanut. Your feet were about the size of my thumb. You were small, but all muscle, and in very good health. I also called you My Little Hero after you chased away that huge Rottweiler. I will never forget that day. I felt so proud to be your Mom. 

Parker, My Little Peanut, Mom is so very sorry.  Please forgive me.  I never meant you any harm. I saddens me that you are not here with us.  The light in our home is dim without you.  I would do anything to have you here again.  Please watch over your brothers. Porter needs your love to keep his pancreatitis in remission. Please look for us when your brothers and I come to Rainbow Bridge to see you again.  Wherever you are now, have fun with your friends in the meantime. 

You will always be My Little Hero.  
I Love You, Mom

[Gingerlove]

On 6/8/2019 at 10:35 PM, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

This should not be happening.

We're so familiar with all the things you're feeling I believe...

Hang on 💌

Breathe...focus on your feeling of love.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Maylissa,

You asked why this was done on Xmas Eve. We had no choices. I think we were duped.  We had the pre-op on 11/28 and they backed us against the wall and told us that was the soonest appt!  26 days later!  Way too long from pre-op. Now I think it was a lie and they just wanted to fill in a slow day with a big ticket item like the cleaning. I am banking on the state looking at their appointment calendar and see that there were sooner available appointments and that they lied to us. It takes so much out of me to get this complaint done. I have to finish and send it. The complaint is written. It has to be proofed and be sent once and for all!    I will regret it if I don't do anything.

The article was just an example of how a dog can actually die from anxiety. They never checked on that dog and then they tried to blame something else, but the second necropsy showed it was due to their negligence. Unfortunately I did not get a necropsy. He broke quite a few laws that maybe those will be enough for him to be disciplined. I think the civil case against him I found will help. He was charged with malpractice. Caused the death of someone's cat. 

We went to this guy because our other dog had digestive issues. Our regular vet suggested another place, but we knew about that place. It wasn't good. I suggested this guy, but it was only supposed to be for the 2nd opinion. He did nothing for our dog anyway, looking back. He kept him on the same meds as vet 1. I changed my dog's food to grain-free and got him one of those slow-bowls. I weaned him of the meds (prednisone and metoclopramide). He got better right away. My intention was to continue with our regular vet. My husband had a notion of taking all of them to this guy.  I was against it. Somehow I didn't stick to my guns and that was the beginning of the end. Then my husband had this dental cleaning craze. He was worried they would get sick if they didn't get it done. I was against that, too. I was opposed to to with this other vet.  I may have done it with our regular vet at a later date. They had been under anesthesia 2-3x each with our regular vet. I trusted him. Too many red flags at this other vet, that I had a bad feeling about, but I didn't put my foot down!   I live in regret every single day. 

Yes, I am seeing a counselor for my grief, and to help the bump in our marriage because of this. My husband was not sensitive to or supportive of my feelings. After 3 weeks, he said I should be over it. He said the same thing to me a couple of weeks later. I couldn't believe it. That drew me further away from him. His mother was here for the holiday. She was here that day it happened. She never once called me or sent a card. She knew I was upset and distraught. I thought it was insensitive of her. She did call to thank me for her mother's day flowers. I missed the call, but that's what her voice message said. She said sh'e hoped I was doing well. Nothing about my grieving. Haven't heard from her since. My husband doesn't have the capacity to feel empathy or to be understanding. Unless, he's hiding it because he feels guilty since it was his idea and he drove him there. He has not said that to me, so I don't know. I have no family or friends around here. I have had support from my elderly neighbor. She's the only one who has shown any care. Otherwise, I've grieved alone. My support system is pet loss sites. My salvation.

This vet should have had me on the phone ASAP.  This guy called in the afternoon AFTER he passed.  He had the nerve not to call me right away when the problem began. Only they know what really happened. I honestly think my dog was manhandled, or mishandled, or neglected, or abused. I think they know exactly what happened and I won't get the truth. I think he lied about everything. I may not be able to prove that, but I'm hoping he will be charged with breaking laws, including improper record keeping.  No, I did not see my dog's body. I didn't pick up my dog until a week later. He was in a plastic bag. I never looked at it. I was too upset  to go alone. I waited for my husband to have a day off. He went in and got him. I have wondered if I got MY dog. I can't think about it, because I will never know and that would be another thing for me to get sick about. I'm already distressed about not keeping him home. 

I bought the best brand foods for my dogs. I did a lot of research for everything I did for them, food, meds, everything -- except researching that vet!  I would have seen the bad Yelp reviews if I did my research about him!  I would have seen the malpractice suit at the county courthouse if I did my research on him!  That vet tried blaming the food I fed him, saying that I was giving them grain-free. Last summer the FDA was looking into grain-free food, that it may be causing some kind of heart problems. It was in bigger breeds. There was nothing written about it after that.  My dog Leroy was having bad digestive issues. When I switched him to grain-free, he got better and has stayed well. My other 2 dogs were allergic to grains. They did so much better when I gave them grain-free, too. Vet tried grasping for anything he could blame, except himself. If he did all the right things, I wouldn't question his integrity. He lied about so much and withheld important lab results from me, and he broke laws. I have no choice but to doubt anything he said or did. He never suggested a necropsy. If he was so certain he was without fault, he would have suggested it. He didn't do a lot of things. As I mentioned, he never reviewed and discussed the procedure and risks. Broke the law right there. 

There may be more records. There may also be an electronic monitor that records vitals. If they have, it will show the truth. If they don't, and do it manually, I don't have a copy. If there isn't one, they will have a hard time explaining why there isn't. Against the law. 

I met someone on a pet loss site from CA whose 2 cats were killed because of negligent dental cleaning. One died within the week after the dental cleaning and the other went into multi-organ failure. The other cat didn’t wake up for 24 hours and when she did she was not the same. The vet destroyed all the records, so they found her guilty of bad record keeping.  She was sued in court and then had a heart attack. I've read about vets getting away with "murder", but I have also read that vets have high suicide rates, above the national average. I may sound cruel, but I can only hope. I would want to know about it. Justice would be served. Pets will be saved. 

I'm heartbroken. I don't feel bad for myself that he's not here. I feel bad for him. He deserved to be here.  He asked for nothing and gave a tremendous amount of love to his brothers and us. 

~ Parker's Mom 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Thank you Gingerlove.

I am broken. Unreal to me something so routine can go wrong and I am not offered an explanation.  Unimaginable to me. 

~ Parker's Mom

[Maylissa]

Parker's Mom,

Thanks for answering my questions.

Yes, there were certainly a lot of red flags there.

And anything "routine" can go wrong, but especially with the wrong vet. Most of my own lessons about who to NEVER use again unfortunately arose from emergency situations, when I didn't have time to wait and had almost no choices of emergency clinics, or vets who were available at the time, way back when:

• 1 local vet who anesthetized in the WRONG body part, the back leg; very old-school practice, was never done anymore then by other vets, due to higher risks. My poor boy's leg was dragging hours later but luckily finally returned to normal by early evening (I had very soon called this clinic with my concerns). Found out later things could have gone VERY wrong because of this alone. You MUST have a knowledgeable vet who stays on top of the most current practices & knowledge, and who regularly does continuing education. Years later, I found out from our neighbour that this terrible vet was a long-term alcoholic, was heavily involved in chuckwagon racing (animal abuse/neglect/exploitation, in which many horses are killed), AND had killed another neighbour's dog overnight at his home, through sheer neglect, and probably his drinking.
• That incidence of malpractice from injecting a cortico-steroid in contravention of the warning on the chart.
• That Emergency clinic's sloughing off of the x-ray result. It was only because of my insistence on making an appt with our integrative vet the next week that we found out it was cancer.
• A top eye specialist who was good, and very current, but after a grueling week-long treatment drug protocol he'd suggested we try for both our kidlets at the same time, which had failed to even work and had been a terrible strain on all of us, I only used gentle, natural management protocols sanctioned by our integrative vet, instead. Those were more successful, well-tolerated by our kidlets, and far less invasive, so I never went back to that vet, either. He had also suggested the option of a corneal transplant for my boy,  I asked questions, then told him flat out I could never sanction having another (unwanted/homeless/used as a lab animal) healthy cat who valued their OWN life being killed for their body parts, even for my own beloved boy's sake. Such heartless practice w/i the veterinary field made me sick at heart and I lost respect for that vet, knowing our ethics and values weren't aligned.

I learned that some of the best ways to safeguard your loved ones is by learning as much as you possibly can, and by thinking hard and in detail about everything involved with their health, and by talking with vets &/or techs at some length and asking LOTS of questions of them, and by never taking anything for granted or acting as if they are going to voluntarily inform you of everything if you don't ask enough questions first. (this is of course harder to do during real emergencies). And, by ensuring vets and techs are well aware of how dedicated to and highly concerned you are about your beloved animals' welfare. If they can clearly see that, and they're not any good, they may display irritation with you...and that's a clue to "run away." And, even by educating THEM about whatever aspects they may not know about, e.g. if you use alternative methods they have no knowledge or understanding of. In other words, be chatty and ultra-PROACTIVE and try not to miss anything of use, within reason. The more interested you appear in knowing about all the finer points, and in their knowledge base, the more info they should be willing to share with you, and the better off your working relationship will be. As they say, knowledge is power.  

You've already gained some knowledge about improving diets for dogs (although properly-balanced raw food diets are healthiest overall for both dogs and cats & can even reverse many health conditions), about that vet's sordid history, about some relevant cases involving other bad vets, and you are being pretty realistic about the possible outcome of any complaints filed. Now you just need to act on that knowledge. Otherwise it's rather a wasted effort, and could also become another failure with which to beat yourself up. Do you think it's possible you're using your guilty feelings to avoid taking the actions you'd really like to, imagining that is going to make it easier on you in the long run?

I know it's the hardest thing ever to face our own flaws, but it's also the best way we can evolve and thereby improve upon our feelings and behaviour. Self-awareness is great knowledge and power, too. And easier done when you're by yourself and you have time to reflect. Potentially, you might always feel some pangs of regret (maybe still pretty intensely upon recollection at times), but here's the upside -- that keeps us humble and desiring yet more inner growth. Yet any lingering remnants of that pain can at least diminish and feel less crippling overall. Bottom line: it doesn't have to be a case of "all or nothing." 

Another option regarding therapy is if you can find someone who is experienced in EMDR for trauma. That would probably help you quite a bit too, both for your totally understandable distress over Parker, and for your marital trauma. Science has now (finally) been backing its effectiveness.

[Maylissa]

If you're struggling with either where your boy is, or how he's doing...

I forgot to mention that after my Sabin transitioned, the trusted Animal Communicator I had at the time (no longer doing this work) told me that his IMMEDIATE reaction upon leaving his  body was a hugely exuberant and zoom-y "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I remember this!!!!" This also aligns with how many people who've had NDEs had felt upon their return to Source. So I would try not to worry about Parker not feeling happy about the state and 'place' he's in now, wherever that may be. As well, as a general rule, nonhuman beings are normally much better at releasing their bodies than most humans are. 

A personal story:

I was once doing my distance healing work (which sadly, I didn't yet do/have when my own kids transitioned) with a dog who was being euthanized one morning (I didn't know exactly when though), and who had been in a really terrible mental/emotional state for a long time before this. Unexpectedly and suddenly, I was SO incredibly blessed to be sharing in her own actual transition when she left her body, and then reunited with her beloved brother who had predeceased her. And I can tell you it felt like nothing BUT expansive, immediate bliss, love and utter happiness!!!... just as my own boy had expressed, too, years earlier. I made note of the time during her session when this happened, and when speaking with her person shortly afterwards, this was right at the same time she had was being euthanized. I can recall that euphoric feeling every time I remember the experience.  

And on a recent teleclass I listened to, this statement was made by the guest speaker, who has been catapulted into fame over her own NDE:

"Heaven is not a place, but a state of consciousness."  ~ Anita Moorjani

So please try your best to incorporate experiences like these into your conscious awareness, to help yourself gradually release some of the the fear and stop fretting quite as much about how your Little Peanut feels now. Even if he had been highly distressed before, he isn't NOW.

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Maylissa,

Someone else I met on a pet loss forum mentioned EMDR. She said she gets that. I asked my counselor, but since my husband has been coming with me, I think he's going to address it or go over it with me when I am solo. I read your list of vet errors.  The difference between my first vet and that other vet is that my first vet is contemporary, up on all the new stuff, treats every kind of animal from mice to horses. Knows so much. That other vet, as I learned a very hard way, is living in the dark ages.  He doesn't even use a laptop for his notes!!  They don't have email at that office. Interesting you spoke of "old school" practice. My regular vet looked at the bare notes from that vet, and said that vet uses "old school meds" which suppress the respiratory system too much and they can't be titrated. My regular vet said the whole idea is to mitigate risk. He prefers to have the newer and better meds and pays more for them and he can titrate them. I never knew there was a difference in any of these meds. I can't believe I am that naive at my age. I knew my regular vet didn't use strong meds, just because I've never seen my dogs have any problems and there were never any "close calls."  If I knew these differences before this nightmare, I certainly, definitely would not have gone to that other vet.

So many red flags is right.  About asking questions. That evil vet had the responsibility and obligation by law (I found out too late) to discuss everything with us and make room for questions -- and give us enough time to make an informed decision. The pre-op visit was the day this should have happened. After our visit, he ran, literally ran out of the exam room through the back door. That guy never intended to do the right thing. He should have given me the opportunity to know and tell me who would be working with my dog. It's like that place is something out of a horror movie. The back room is secret, where all the evilness occurs.  The fact that on 11/27, they set up our pre-op for the next day, and they did not tell us when we were there that, "By the way, the next available cleaning appt isn't until 12/24, 26 days later. Maybe you might want to come in for the pre-op closer to that date, or wait until after the holiday."  No, this was an opportunity for them to make money on us for the pre-op, for 2 dogs, and then surprise us the very next day and tell us we had to wait almost 4 weeks. What a bunch of crap that is. Right there is evilness. I could have, and should have, told them the next day that I wasn't going to wait almost 4 weeks and I want my money back for the 2 pre-ops. They should have been warned by me that, that kind of crap should not happen and if they didn't give me my money back, I would sue them in small claims court based on their incompetency and deceit.  Again, I think they really did have sooner appts, but saw they had a "live one" and figured they'd fill in a slow day (really, who would come in for a regular appt on Xmas Eve?), and they would have their big-ticket item for the day.  I do think now, they were all about money and a scam. They lied to me 5 months earlier, and I didn't heed warning, despite me saying to my husband I would never return there due to their lies. No, I went back there. It's not like my Little Peanut was there many times before. It was only once!!  We could have gone to our regular vet. A decent human being who I would trust with MY life. He saved Parker's brother when he was mauled by the neighbor's dog. When I say "saved" I mean he was closed that day, and just happened to be there, and gave up his other appointments to save my dog!  He neutered those little guys. They meant something to him. We meant something to him. We weren't just a number.

My dentist recently told me his friend's dog needed surgery on its leg (maybe the hip?).  They operated on the wrong leg. The dog went through the risk of anesthesia, had to go through (the wrong) surgery, and the vet had the nerve to tell him if he wants the correct leg done, he would have to pay again!!  What audacity!  I hope he took him to court. Then my dentist told me his parents brought their 4 dogs to a kennel.  They got a call that one dog died. They didn't have any answers. They acted like they didn't know what happened. They got the 3 dogs home and within a week, another dog died.  That evil vet that I went to has a kennel. There were times my husband wanted to travel and I said I would not leave my dogs in any kennel. I knew how they would cry when we were gone for an hour. They would cry and howl. Sometimes we were only outside. This is before I found out that vet is a demon and I still didn't want to kennel my dogs because they said they split them up and I felt they would be so sad and afraid, they might die. I've never been away from them for more than a few hours when I go somewhere. I am with these dogs 24/7. I've never spent a night away from them. My husband has, but not me. Here it is, we left our little one there for that ridiculous voluntary, elective, procedure, and he never came home. It may be hard for someone else to understand why I still have bitterness toward my husband. He was so insistent about everything with that vet and the dental. I am constantly reminded my dog passed needlessly. I can't help but hold a grudge. I don't know when or if I will let go of that. Bad enough I am livid with myself.  I've had several meltdowns yesterday and today. It's still with me. I'm a total fool and I failed my dog. I set him up for disaster. How could I forget that only a few months earlier I was disgusted with their deceit, and I vowed to my husband I would not return.? I don't know what transpired, why I returned to that horrible place. I feel so guilty that I want to move away to an isolated island and stay there by myself for the rest of my life. 

I'm not sure I understand about animal communicators. Since our pets don't speak, how can you communicate without the pet sitting next to you and reading your facial expressions and feeling your body language?  I write letters to him and I know of course, he doesn't read.  It's really a stress release for me.  Even if I read those letters to my dogs who are here now, they wouldn't understand a word. They of course, don't understand full sentences. 

I always feel it is so unfair to him what happened. I mentioned in another post that I am concerned he felt abandoned by us and was petrified with those strangers. I feel so bad about how he must have felt. Alone, scared, lost.  He didn't deserve that. 

I've got my complaint done. I worked on it today, then got sidetracked. Tomorrow I will complete it. It may be a slightly different one than they usually get. I have an introductory letter and I am enclosing Parker's tribute with his pictures within the document.  I'm hoping someone there has a soft spot and wants to take the case. I read there are no guarantees they will take the case. 

Thanks Maylissa.  Have a good day.  ~ Parker's Mom

Quote

 

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Dear Parker, My Little Peanut,

Today I am writing to your brothers, Porter and Leroy. I am sure they are missing you as much as I am.

Leroy, I’ve noticed sadness in your eyes since your brother is no longer here. The expressions on your face tell me you don’t know where he is, you are confused, and maybe think he is going to be here at any moment. I know you don’t have the same sense of time as I do, so to you, time hasn’t passed that much. I can understand why you might think Parker will be by your side at any time. If he was here, he would be cuddling with you most of the day. Whenever your brother Porter would bark out the window, Parker would come running and give out a howling bark or two. He didn’t even know why he was barking. He just wanted to join in with Porter. Leroy, sometimes you would join them, and you also didn’t know why you were barking.   Leroy, the other day you had some eye tear staining, very unusual for you. I thought Parker was coming through you. He was the only one who had that. Your brother Porter showed some tear staining, too.  He doesn’t usually have that either. I would use my extra bottle of saline drops for Parker. This time I used it for you, but Leroy, you gave me a hard time. I know that was not Parker coming through you. He wouldn’t give me a hard time. He liked me giving him the drops. He was always so good about it. I think he knew how much better his eyes felt after getting the drops. Leroy, I know now that if you need the drops, the best time to give them to you is when you are drowsy. Leroy, the drops helped you. The next day your eyes cleared up. It must be hard for you Leroy, to think that when you go to sleep, that Parker will be right by your side, cuddling with you as he always did. Parker would sleep between you and Porter. At bedtime, I would tuck in my Three Dog Night. Parker loved being next to the both of you. He was a true friend and a loving brother.

Porter, you and Parker used to play and wrestle when you were very young. As time went on, you became more interested in looking out the window. That’s when I began to call you Gladys Kravitz. Leroy and Parker began to play more together as they grew closer. Porter, you are still very concerned about who passes by the house and you keep watch at the window. You don’t like it when people walk by, especially when they have a dog. You will keep barking until they are no longer in sight. I remember when Parker would hear you barking and run down the stairs as fast as he could to see what was going on. He would be right next to you when you ran back and forth to each window. Porter, you are a character in the morning. It used to be you and Parker who would jump up on the bed and wake us up. I miss those days. You still jump up on the bed and wake us up, but you are alone now. Leroy runs around the room with his squeaky. He’s never been agile enough to jump up on the bed. Porter, the mornings are always funny when you roll around on your back, under a blanket, while you kick the blanket with your feet. Parker and Leroy would try to copy you, but they just didn’t have the knack. You invented that rolling trick. Porter, sometimes you would growl at me at night when I tucked you in. The Chihuahua you are, I always expected it.  There have been many nights since Parker is gone that you Porter, have not growled when I tucked you in. I’ve thought maybe it was Parker coming through you.  He would never growl. I could wake up Parker in the middle of the night and he would be fine with it. Porter, I wish you would play more with Leroy. I know you weren’t that close to him, but Leroy enjoys your company. I think sometimes he would like you to be more friendly. Porter, you weren’t used to playing with Leroy, but maybe sometimes you can try to warm up to him. You will find Leroy is very easygoing and just wants to have a friend. He misses Parker. Porter, maybe you can give him some company.

My Three Amigos, I wish it could be the way it was. It was always so much fun with the three of you, my Three Stooges. The mornings and time for walks were hilarious. Feeding time was crazy. It was mostly Parker who made it fun.  He was the leader, the life of the party, the energy, and the shining light here.

Parker, we all miss you.  Leroy and Porter, your brother Parker is watching over you both. He will take care of you. He wants you both to be happy and healthy.  He will see you again at another time and another place.

Parker, I Love You.  Please watch over us. We’ve gone through so much when we lost you. It’s been hard on your Mom. I struggle daily with intermittent tears and sadness. I try not to cry, but it’s hard without you beside me. I can’t believe you are not here. I have trouble accepting that.

My Little Peanut, we are all missing you and we all love you forever.

Love, Mom       

[Maylissa]

Parker's Mom,

I'm sorry but this is all I have time for today as a reply, for now. I'll respond to your other post as soon as I'm able.

Your other dogs might actually be shedding tears and there is probably nothing wrong with their eyes. It is human arrogance to suppose that other creatures don't or can't cry, too. But that is incorrect. I saw signs of both one of my birds and my furgirl having cried...my furgirl when we lost her brother, and my bird when we'd gone away for a week when I was a child and he was left with a woman I didn't even know. Upon our return to pick him up, one look at him and I was agonized and shocked to see his eyes all red-rimmed and watery and she told us he was morose and barely even peeped that entire week. But as soon as he saw me he became all animated and happy and began chirping. I promised him we would NEVER leave him alone with a stranger again. He softly twittered to me all the way home, was FINE once we got there (we played up a storm) and his eyes never got like that again, even during bouts of illness in later years. 

Teresa Wagner also has an On Demand course about "Animals Grieve, Too," which is really excellent.

But to keep it simple for now, just give them your love, some explanations of what's happened and how you feel (for now, suspend the belief that you don't think they can "understand" what you're telling them), and playtime &/or walks with you to help create a "new normal" for them, as well as for yourself...something you're going to have to do anyway at some point, so it may as well be now! And as I had to do for my furgirl, "choose Life" for them. That will help you, too. 

 

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

I think about my baby every day. Sometimes I feel like I am in a state of suspended animation.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

To My Sweet Little One,

Another day of missing you, my sweet little Parker. Not one day has gone by since you are not here that I have not thought about you. The days seem so long and yet it has been almost 6 months. I am still having a difficult time accepting you are not coming back.  Some days are very hard for me.  I fall backwards. I think over and over what I could have done better. I know it was to keep you home. I am feeling very bad and I am not forgiving myself.  I thought I did everything right, but I didn’t. Can you please forgive me?

I don’t know anymore how I feel. I am so sad that you are not here. I miss you so much. It never seems real. I didn’t spend much time with your brothers today. I need to because I know now how short your lives are and, in a moment, I can lose them, too. I don’t want to ever take them for granted. I took you for granted. I never imagined I would lose you, so young. Everything has changed for me. I’m sorry my little man.

I miss you so very much.  I Love You forever. 

Love, Mom

[kayc]

There is nothing like death to wake us up in a way we never had to realize before...never again can we take for granted that life will continue as is.  It's natural to feel that it should...until death hits.  I feel like it stole a kind of innocence from me, I can never take things for granted again.  Give your remaining dogs lots of time and attention...they are also mourning and need it.  No it won't be Parker, but they need you too.  We learn things from death/grief, this is one of those things.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My husband dropped our dog off on his way to his own dental appt. That was on a Monday. This coming Monday will be 6 months to the day that my sweet Parker passed from a "routine" dental and my husband has a dental appt again.  I'm already feeling the reminders.  I don't know how I will get through that day. I have to avoid looking at the day and date and ignore his dental appt. I might have to go out for the day as an escape.  Hopefully it will be nice out.  I hope I'm not a wreck.  Why does the 6/24 have to be on a Monday, too, like 12/24?  Why does he have to have a dentist appt, too?  Too many reminders.

[Maylissa]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I feel like it stole a kind of innocence from me, I can never take things for granted again.

Well put, Kay and I echo those sentiments.

Since I'd had some very bad experiences around deaths in my tender and vulnerable youth, knowingly, I had to wait a loooong time to feel ready at last to adopt my furkids. But when we lost Sabin so quickly and unexpectedly...since for some reason I had always imagined he'd be with me even longer than his little sister...all the vestiges of "innocence" (at least what it felt akin to) I had managed to sort of recapture in the meantime, were harshly ripped away from me again. And yet, I remember countless times I would be doting on my boy, heart just BURSTING with unfathomable and unconditional love because of our massive and mystic bond, and at the same time would feel such a terror of losing him in the future. That was oftentimes the way I was 'never taking things for granted,' as awful a way as that was. But when he actually died far ahead of my expectations and hopes, Nissa got even stronger a devotion as I could have possibly mustered...even through the utter agony of my grief over losing her brother.

However, I still can and do procrastinate like crazy over all sorts of other things that also have value. 🙄 Sigh...human conditioning can be SUCH a problem.  

[Maylissa]

37 minutes ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I hope I'm not a wreck.  Why does the 6/24 have to be on a Monday, too, like 12/24?  Why does he have to have a dentist appt, too?  Too many reminders.

I feel for you, Parker's Mom. Those are a lot of too-similar reminders to deal with on top of the milestone. 💔 Although, sometimes the anticipatory feelings end up being worse than the actual day is,  especially if you come up with some ideas ahead of time as to what to do with/for yourself. Some people do a memorial ritual or project, or they add in something lighter as a distraction to break up the sorrow, like a simple walk, or spending some quiet time in nature. Or they just accept that they're going to feel miserable and sit and cry; here's it's the acceptance of your feelings that can help...and then sometimes you end up not crying as long or as often as you'd expected. Sometimes you plan something, then change it last minute, or simply can't make yourself follow through when the time comes. Nothing has to be set in stone.

Just know that whatever you finally decide, even if that's moment by moment, it's all okay, even if you are feeling like a wreck. Give yourself that freedom to choose, and to accept however you are throughout the day. In this way, it all becomes some type of self-care. 

[Maylissa]

Hmm...Quote doesn't seem to be working for me right now, so...

Parker's Mom,

You had said earlier:

"It may be hard for someone else to understand why I still have bitterness toward my husband. He was so insistent about everything with that vet and the dental. I am constantly reminded my dog passed needlessly. I can't help but hold a grudge. I don't know when or if I will let go of that.

I don't think it's hard to understand carrying such bitterness. When someone (especially those closest to you) acts domineering with you, that in itself can create bitterness, resentment, and more. And as I said before, if there is no genuine heartfelt remorse offered afterwards, that's pouring salt in an already open wound and further compounding it so that it cannot heal, or at least not readily. An admission of wrong-doing, a sincere and appropriate apology, remorse, and amends are required in order for forgiveness to be extended more easily and willingly. Without that, the wound festers and forgiveness becomes more elusive. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but nowhere in your posts have I read that such an olive branch had been proffered. So no wonder you're feeling bitterness. Quite frankly, I would be feeling outraged, plus sorrowful and grief-stricken at that kind of relational betrayal, and not simply "bitter."   

However, one difference I see being, had I been in your position, no husband of mine would have been allowed to get away with being domineering with me when it came to health decisions about my furchildren, especially since I was their primary, FT caregiver and their largest love. I might have asked for an opinion, but without some very sound reasoning or facts to back up such an opinion (which may have then possibly shifted my initial perspective), I would have taken my own knowledge, intuition, and whatever else into bigger consideration, and decided for myself what to do for them. Period. The result of that would have been that for any final decision I made myself on their behalf, the burden of guilt would have then fallen only on me as the final arbitrator, if it had been a bad decision. And in actual fact, that was how it was anyway, since my husband didn't take much of an "interest" in their healthcare, so those decisions usually fell solely on my shoulders. I was the one learning all I could, I was the one always speaking with their vets. He didn't want all that responsibility, so it was mainly mine. 

"Bad enough I am livid with myself." / "How could I forget that only a few months earlier I was disgusted with their deceit, and I vowed to my husband I would not return.? I don't know what transpired, why I returned to that horrible place."

And there's the concurrent issue that makes this all the more difficult to deal with. As you have said many times, you blame yourself as well, and you share in that fault. But while it is always hardest to look at your own parts and failings, the one thing that you can say is that you are actually doing that. Why you went against what you already knew is something you'll have to work out somehow, because only you hold the answers to those questions. I wonder if hypnosis might also help unearth them for you?

That's another method that, in the hands of an experienced therapist, can be quite liberating. I saw one once (she had 25 yrs experience) for grief over my boy, and while it didn't "fix" everything for me since it was only one session anyway, it certainly did me some good. It was easy, relaxing, and offered me some well-needed relief that he was indeed more than "okay" in spirit, and not angry at me at all. In essence, I experienced an otherworldly visit with him. The only thing I found annoying was that she kept rather 'interrupting' the process for me with her instructions, because what she wanted me to focus on next, I had already "been there, done that" and was zooming along to the next part! 

Anyway, both of these issues of yours should be explored more in therapy. The good news is, your own portion can be done with or without your husband present. As can EMDR or other trauma-based methodologies. 

"I'm not sure I understand about animal communicators. Since our pets don't speak, how can you communicate without the pet sitting next to you and reading your facial expressions and feeling your body language?  I write letters to him and I know of course, he doesn't read.  It's really a stress release for me.  Even if I read those letters to my dogs who are here now, they wouldn't understand a word. They of course, don't understand full sentences."

You can visit Teresa's site or others to learn about it in greater detail, but essentially, you psychically use your various corresponding senses to receive information from them, such as what you may hear them say (clairaudience), what you see them show you (clairvoyance), what you feel from them (clairsentience), what you smell (clairsalience), what you taste through them (clairgustance), or what comes through as a firm "knowing" (claircognizance). You use whichever "clairs" are dominant or more natural for you, and then learn to develop your weaker ones as well. Personally, I have 3 dominant clairs, and don't often get the others coming through, except spontaneously. (it also depends on what the particular animal's preferred way of "sending" is) They do not need to be physically present, or even physically alive to commune with them. (I also receive whatever they voluntarily wish to share with me during my healing work) There is actually no such thing really as "distance" between beings, energies, light, particles, or anything else; we are just conditioned to think there is. (think about cell phones, where you can talk to others far away, all without any hard-wiring for them in your house) Animals also don't have to know how to "read" or "understand sentences" to 'get' or receive your thoughts, emotions, or the gist of your verbiage. This is the deeper language of us all, and most of us do it without even being aware of it, but the nonhuman beings have retained this language all along. For them this is the normal way of communicating.

So when you talk to your animals (including Parker), out loud, or just in your mind, or as you're writing, they can hear you, and more. This is what my beloved boy started demonstrating for me over and over again, and eventually I clued in, smartened up, and began to acknowledge it all as real. He was my biggest teacher, even after his transition. 💜💜

 

 

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Maylissa,

The first night when this happened, my husband apologized to me when we were alone. He said he was sorry and didn't know something like this would happen. He said he was only trying to keep our dogs healthy getting their teeth cleaned. He said he wished he never met that vet. Said after reading the dental cleaning posters all over that vet's exam room, he thought it was a health risk not getting their teeth cleaned. That was it. After that he has not said anything about it voluntarily. I've asked him if he misses him and a couple of times he said of course he misses "the dog" which I found strange he would not call him by name or say "our" dog. I've addressed this in counseling and he's said that he doesn't say anything because I will cry. Not sure how true that is at this time. For quite a few months I was crying if my dog's name was mentioned. I think I've been trying to manage my grief without bearing it all on others. I tend to grieve alone now. If my husband was feeling guilty, he can't think I am making him feel guilty now because I only mention Parker when I say I need to finish the letter or something else, but not accusatory. For the first couple of months I say subtle things to my husband about it being his fault. I haven't done that for at least a month now. I keep my thoughts to myself.  He was being insistent about going to that vet because he thought since we were bringing our one dog there, then we should just keep going there. I was against it as you have read. His idea of the dental, as he says, was brainwashing from the posters. I knew there would be a time we would have to do it, but I wasn't ready at that time to do it and that bad feeling about them was in my subconscious. I couldn't place why I felt like that. It was from the prior visit. My memory is not as keen as it used to be, so I didn't remember there was something specific holding me back. My husband thought I was against it because of the cost so he said he would pay for it out of his own money, not the house budget money. Oh, how I wish he was concerned about the cost. Oh, how I wish I never returned to that vet. Oh, how I wish I had just cancelled. I had no binding contract. I don't know what stopped me. Was I too busy for the holiday?  Was I too preoccupied?  I knew he was a scared dog, did I not take it more seriously?  I don't know where we both went wrong. I just know we did and my dog is gone. We failed him. I don't know if my husband lives with guilt. I don't know if he thinks about it. He doesn't say much to me. He's not that kind of person to talk about things like that. I wish he was. I want to know how he feels. I don't want to feel alone.  He internalizes and is not the warm and fuzzy type so I he will not volunteer his feelings or thoughts.

The rule now is that if he has any ideas when it comes to our dogs, it will be a suggestion and I have the final say. My dogs do need dental cleaning and we are again with our first vet. I trust him, but I am nervous now. I don't know what to do. There's no guarantee if your dog's teeth are cleaned that they will live a long time. My neighbor fed her dog supermarket dog food, never got her dog's teeth cleaned, and it lived to 18. My little Chihuahua-Beagle needs it done more than my neighbor's big dog. The Chihuahuas have a tendency to have teeth problems. I don't want him lose any teeth either. I don't know what to do. This whole thing has put me in another place. I am changed. Everything is different. I am not as close to my husband. My routine and life has changed. That other vet has ruined my spirit. It's one thing if my dog was having needed surgery and he didn't make it. It's another thing when he passed under suspicious circumstances and I didn't get an explanation. I found out he withheld information, he didn't follow laws. You know the rest. That has plagued me. 

I was suggested this guy. I live with that. I never put a halt to the dental idea. I live with that. It has been so unfair to my sweet little Parker, and Leroy, his Beagle brother. Parker is the one who has missed out on everything. He wasn't a mopey dog. He had a zest for life, loved his brothers. Leroy is missing his best friend. I live with this everyday. I am with them 24/7, constantly reminded. I just feel awful all the way around. I've tried so hard to do all the right things for my dogs. I've been on perfect schedule with their annual shots, heart worm test, heart worm med, flea/tick meds, everything. I've tried so hard to do it all right. I worried about everything with my dogs. I worried about that procedure. How could this happen?  I don't understand.  I just don't understand. For me, the loss has been unbearable.  I'm not sure when I will recover, despite trying to feel better and feeling positive at the counselor. My dark moments come to visit. 

I'll look at Teresa's site. Can you send me the link again?  Someone I met in my neighborhood who coincidentally sees the same "first - original" vet that I do. Dr. Chris. She travels to see him, too. He's my dogs' first vet. The real one.  That woman I met from my neighborhood said she tried an animal communicator from CA who she likes, so far. 

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. It is a long road for me. I always feel I did something wrong and I am being punished. Can't figure it out. 

Today my husband is pulling weeds in my garden for the second time in 2 weeks. I didn't ask him to do it. It's very hot outside. When he does things like this, I feel bad being upset with him. He'll do anything for me. He's just not warm and fuzzy. 

Thanks, 

Tina

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I'll look at Teresa's site. Can you send me the link again? 

Teresa Wagner's website: Animals in Our Hearts 

Animal Communication - Scroll down the page for links to Teresa's Articles

Contact: About Us

[Maylissa]

Hi Tina,

Yes, this is a complicated picture. I'm very familiar with the "not warm and fuzzy" type and I could say lots about that...but that's another long topic all by itself. Good to know your husband at least DID apologize at the start. That's something anyway. The fact that he won't talk about it more now is still a problem, though, and the reasons why not and what to do about it are probably best addressed in your counseling sessions. Most of us don't know how to communicate WELL, though. And it's possible he's letting shame take control, and shame, like guilt, needs to be exposed, but with safe (and knowledgeable) people, in order to understand it, then shift it, and for true compassion to then be unearthed. I share your uneasiness and feel your hurt about his emotionally removed choice of wording of "the dog." But again, that's a much bigger topic that could have any number of causes.

Here's Teresa's site again: https://www.animalsinourhearts.com/ 

About her AC sessions: https://www.animalsinourhearts.com/animal-communication/consultations-teresa/what-to-expect.html

Her grief counseling sessions: https://www.animalsinourhearts.com/consultations/types-of-consultations/grief-counseling.html 

About teeth cleaning for animals, it actually IS a good, suggested preventive practice, since lack of tooth health can cause several serious problems, including with major organs, like the heart. However, since anesthesia is always a risk too, some vets suggest it's best if they do a physical dental check and only consider a cleaning if things look problematic (e.g. gingivitus, etc.), or if not too bad (e.g. just a small amt of tartar but no gum inflammation as yet), at another time when surgery for something else is also required....to avoid putting the animal under more than necessary. A good vet will also suggest daily teeth brushing at home (by you) using the proper products for animals, and/or dietary protocols that will help their teeth stay clean/er, e.g. a raw food diet and certain types of uncooked meat & bones to safely gnaw on, as just one example. Feral, or turned-feral cats, or abandoned cats, for example, even when in "managed" TNR colonies (i.e. fed commercial canned food but often "dry" food [the worst choice], watched over for obvious medical issues), commonly suffer with dental issues, often requiring several tooth extractions &/or dental abscess treatment, or they will soon die.

There are always some animals who are fed total crap as 'food,' and who get very little medical care, yet still live a long time. Unfair for others, yes!, but it does happen. But that's not the usual case. Nowadays especially, diseases most animals never got 50 years ago, are running rampant, just as they are with humans (we're all One)...mainly because the world has stupidly been made to deteriorate to levels never seen before, and so we ALL suffer for it.

It is said that our own souls call in experiences that push us well out of our usual comfort zones, in order to learn something highly valuable to ourselves, so that our lives can improve in different ways. This might help answer the more mystical "why" of it all. Unfortunately and most often, until we go through many steps necessary to that growth, it doesn't become clearer until later. And humans being as they are, sadly, we often aren't motivated to grow until there is enough pain present to spur us into that growth. There's always something we're supposed to be learning, like it or not, and it can certainly feel exhausting or maddening.

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you for the links.  I have had our dogs' teeth cleaned. Porter and Leroy had them done 2x and Parker was 1x. He had extractions his cleaning at our first vet. We let them chew on Nylabones because we thought they were good for their teeth. He wound up fracturing 2 teeth from those chew toys. I threw them out. He was in a lot of pain and I didn't know for a long time. He was chewing things. It must have hurt and he thought by chewing it would ease the pain. I finally figured it out. I saw the tooth. It turned out the one one the other side was also fractured. He did so well with our vet's anesthesia. So did our other dogs. We always knew we should get the cleanings while they were young, at least. You put your trust in a professional. My first vet uses mild meds, modern ones. He said he will not use old school meds that are more risk. He can titrate his. Old stuff you can't. I brushed their teeth. I have enzymatic toothpaste plus Oratene. Sometimes I would spritz them with Chlorhexidine rinse. That's why I wasn't in a hurry with the dental. I asked my husband to help me brush and do it more often. I just had a bad feeling about that place. I knew these 2 guys still need it. I'm somewhat worried now since this fiasco.  At least my first vet (current) takes picture of their teeth each visit and updates us with their status. It's not pushy, but he keeps us informed. That other guy just wanted our money. Worst mistake going to that guy. I know for sure, and I would be my life on it, that my dog would still be here had we not gone to that butcher.  I always fed them dry kibble. I'm not a fan of raw food or home cooked. I want them to have needed nutrients and vitamins.  I heard wet food can stick to the teeth. I was choosy about everything. I did a lot of research when I got them. I chose Sentinel Flavor Tabs over Trifexis which is more expensive, but they both protect against the same. Dogs never had a side effect. I tried Bravecto once and they vomited. I use K9 Advantix.  I researched their food. I picked the best. I used Merrick, made in USA. (Not a fan of Blue Buffalo for some reason. I think it's hyped up.)  They got RO water, not tap water. I washed their bedding weekly, washed their coats and sweaters. I made them clothes and hats for the winter. They were my baby bears and I was the mother bear.  I planned on having these dogs around and healthy for decades.We paid for pet insurance. I wanted the best for these guys.  Parker was and Leroy is healthy.  Porter has pancreatitis, but it may be from trauma after he was mauled by a huge dog. He's on dry Rx low-fat food. He gets 5mg Pepcid 2x a day. Neutralizes his stomach. Keeping fingers crossed. 

Nothing will erase how bad I feel that my little one is not here. and that HIS life was taken from HIM.  I guess over time the pain will lessen, but I will always miss him and know that he should be here. I will try my best to get justice and save future pets.  Maybe down the line I will be able to get the state to set new laws and reinforce the ones they have with stricter penalties. I want to be Parker's voice.  ~ Parker's Mom

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

It's almost the end of June. Time goes by fast. It always seems just like yesterday I lost my little sweetheart. This week I've been having many missing Parker moments with buckets of tears. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

My neighbor fed her dog supermarket dog food, never got her dog's teeth cleaned, and it lived to 18.

Dogs are no different than us, each with their own set of genes and inheritance.  Perhaps your neighbor's dog just had exceptional teeth.  My dog COULD use a dental cleaning, but when I proceeded that way, the blood tests show he has cancer and his liver is barely functioning...they won't do it.  A part of me wishes I hadn't pursued cleaning his teeth so I wouldn't know, but then I would have known something was wrong eventually and would have taken him to the vet so it ultimately doesn't matter that I wish I had my head in the sand.  And as it is, I am able to give him support for his liver function that can help him for a while, so in that sense, I guess it's good that I know.

We reasonably expect our dogs to live their average life span for their age/breed...mine has already lived it.  But I'd hoped for so much more...still hope for much more.

It's hard no matter how or when they go, we're never ready for it, never want it.  When mine goes, I already know I'm going to be a basket case...I can't imagine my life without him.  The best way I can muster I guess is to continue to pay tribute and honor to him in my heart...that he'll always have.  But I still don't know how I'm going to live without him...the day to day existence.  And it's that which you're struggling with.  I don't know an answer, I wish I did.

Continuing to send you thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace.  And if that means holding those accountable, I wish you well with that.  At least it gives a positive way to channel your energy.  I know of no such way for myself, who do you blame for cancer?  The insidious stealer of all that is good.

[Gingerlove]

On 6/8/2019 at 10:35 PM, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I just don't understand.  I don't know why you are gone. It doesn't make sense. You were not sick. You were taken away. 

My Little Angel, I want you to be here. I get upset with myself knowing I had choices.  Why didn't I keep you home that day?  Everything would be normal.  I am not the same anymore. I am missing a part of me and inside I feel numb. I am upset with myself.  I could have you here. I did a bad thing. I had a premonition something could go wrong there. I question myself every day what I was thinking.  I am still not pleased with your Dad since he had the idea and he brought you there.  Things between us are shaky.  It's not the same as before you were gone. 

I wish I could have my old self back and things at home were like they were. That would only be possible if this never happened or if I awoke and you were here again.  I know that's not possible. That's what hurts so much. I feel like I will never see you again.  I didn't keep you safe, though throughout your short life, I tried so hard. I looked ahead about things that could go wrong and I kept you from harm so many times. Why did I fail this time?  I need to protect you.  I am so sorry. Sorry is not enough.  Please do not be angry with me. As you always did,  please give me your unconditional love.  I may be asking for a lot because I failed you.  I don't know what to say anymore. 

Exactly these feelings.

Prayers sending your way.

Breathe in, think of the love, out, of the doubts: "why didn't I keep you home that day?"

I still ask that after almost a year. Slowly the intensity lessens as I truly see the difficulty of an exact reason.

Take care caring Parker's Mom.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

kayc, my neighbor had a much bigger dog than mine. I think the bigger dogs don't get much tartar.  My dog Porter, is part Chihuahua and they are prone to teeth problems and tartar. I know the day is coming when I still have to get Porter's teeth cleaned -- this time by my regular vet.  Nervous now after what happened, just because of the usual risks. I wasn't this nervous before.