loss of pet l FAILED MY LITTLE ONE, I'M FULL OF GUILT

[kayc]

Believe it for yourself...our dogs don't hold ought against us...one of the reasons we love them so much.  They don't harbor grudges or resentment, they just love us as is.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Parker is survived by his blood brother, Porter, and Leroy, his Beagle brother.  Porter was never friendly with Leroy. (My husband said it started over a squeaky toy and Porter didn't get over It.)  It was always Parker and Porter and Parker and Leroy.  Parker was a best friend to both.  Leroy and Parker hit it off when they first met.  Leroy is showing a lot of sadness. He's becoming very needy. I have no doubt he misses his brother.  He looks at me as if he is lost. He looks at me as if he's asking me where his brother is, why he is not here.  Leroy has always been shy. Parker gave him courage. Parker and Leroy would play a couple of times a day. Leroy has been trying to play with Porter and Porter won't have any part of him. Today Porter got very angry with Leroy and snapped at him because Leroy was trying to be close to Porter.  I am trying to make Leroy feel wanted as Parker always did. Parker groomed him, cuddled next to him, loved him, and all of us.  I

I am missing Parker so much more on a different level because Leroy has lost his best friend. I can play with Leroy as human to dog, but it will not compare to the playfulness and communication he shared with Parker.  I can't get another dog.  Plus, it wouldn't be fair to Parker to "replace" him. I don't know how Porter will accept another dog anyway. He and Parker were blood. He tolerates Leroy.  I think Porter misses his brother mostly at night. They would lie next to each other and in the morning they would run down the stairs side-by-side. I love both Leroy and Porter. 

This loss has affected everyone. It isn't just my loss, it is our loss. 

~ Parker's Mom

[kayc]

Did you read this? https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

To My Dear Sweet Parker,

Time is going by very fast.  It is hard for me each day that you are you are not here. I get through the days, but not easily. Most of the time I just go through the motions.  I miss you Parker. These days I feel lost without you. Your courage and loving spirit invigorated me. You taught me to be courageous. I am using what I learned from you to be strong for your brothers.

Your brothers miss you very much. Leroy has been withdrawn and keeping to himself. I worry he will go back to being timid and shy as he was before you gave him the strength to be brave. You were his best friend.  Today I bought him a squeaky toy to give him some happiness. You know how he always liked being teased about taking away his squeaky toy. I hope this will keep him busy for a while, although later in the day, he lost interest in his new toy. I think he was waiting for you to come and try to take it from him, but he is confused why he has not seen you. I wish I could explain it to him.

We all miss you Parker. I still do not understand why this happened. Sometimes I cannot get through the day. I know you should be here. Please do not be sad that I cry because I miss you.

I think you may have come here the other day in the form of a Cardinal.  I am trying to believe it was a sign that you were here. If that was really you, I wish you would come back. Please make a believer out of me, Parker.

I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish none of this happened. It is difficult for me to comprehend. It never seems right. It never seems real. I am still having a tough time not having you here. Our home is not the same anymore.

There is nothing I can do to change it.  My heart is broken without you.

I Love You so much Parker. I miss you.

Love,

Mom

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hello everyone,
I'm waiting for the Cardinal to appear again. I want to believe.

I'm having okay days and rough days. So far no good days. I had a meltdown on Friday. Cried for over an hour and on and off the rest of the day. Lately, I've noticed Leroy, my Beagle is down. (I don't cry in front of him.)  I'm sure he misses Parker, his best friend. We all miss him. I'm trying to give my 2 little guys, Leroy and Porter, more love. Now, there are pretty much no rules. They do what they want. I never had them on my bed unless they jumped on it, but they didn't stay long. Now I call Leroy and Porter to sit on my bed.  They are here on less borrowed time than I am. I want them to feel free.  

I dread when I have to go through some kind of health issue with either of them. I keep praying Porter's pancreatitis stays in remission. He is doing really well. He has more energy than I do. He's like lightning. He flies down the stairs and then flies onto his window seat bed. (I have a bed for each of them next to the window.)  There's just one thing missing that would make it all perfect. Their brother, Parker is missing. He was always playing. Very high energy and full of life. He loved grooming his brothers. I'm hurting. I miss his bark. I miss his zest for life. I miss him. If these links work, you can see here how close he was with his brother Leroy.  https://youtu.be/7gU0FQHwktA
https://youtu.be/ccdLovl_sv4

I wish he would come by again, if that Cardinal was Parker. I need to believe. 
I hope you are all doing well and getting through your days. Take good care of yourselves.

Sincerely,
Parker's Mom

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

As it was getting dark last night, I heard a bird chirping. It sounded like a Cardinal. I got excited because of the signs thing. I am not one to believe a lot of that stuff. I scoff at magicians. I saw a Cardinal twice and I don't see them around here. I am aware of the birds here because we've had robins set up nests under our deck and in the shrubs and I would chase away blue jays because they steal the robin's eggs. I've taken pictures of birds here. Some were sparrows. I filmed the woodpecker. I know if a Cardinal was around before all of this. Now that I've heard about a Cardinal and a sign from a loved one, I wasn't really sure, but I thought if it kept showing up, then maybe it is real. I heard the bird so I played Cardinal sounds on YouTube and it played through a wireless speaker. I played and paused. In between, I heard the bird and it was the same sound. I played it again and the bird came over onto our cable wires. It was a Cardinal!  It heard the audio, but it was already here, because I heard it. It was getting dark so I couldn't see it. I saw it come really close to me. 

I was really happy and excited. I was smiling. I had happy tears. I told my husband it must be true, it is a sign from Parker. I said I wasn't sure the first time, but now I believe it.  He told me no, it's not a sign, it’s not Parker.  I didn't ask him if it was a sign. I told him it was. I said I've read about it.  He doesn’t want me to have some kind of happiness, some kind of hope? I don't know what to believe anymore.  This is the only thing I have to hold onto, the only thing I could believe, it is making me happy, and he wanted to take that away from me. If I was a child, he would probably tell me there is no Easter Bunny. 

I want to believe my Little Peanut heard me me when I spoke out loud and wrote him and asked him to come back, that I could believe it was him if the bird returned. When I saw that bird tonight, I right away thought Parker is with me. That he's near me.I lost 1 of my 3 only best friends and children, all I have in this life. My husband doesn't grieve with me.  I do it all alone, and he avoids anything to do with that. 

My husband just made me feel alone. He could have gone with it, even if he personally doesn't believe it, he could try to believe it for me, or just let me believe it and be happy for me.  Do I believe my husband that the Cardinal was not a sign and not Parker?  No, I don't.

It’s a shame I can't share my happiness with (my husband) someone close to me who also experienced this loss.  I wish my husband would believe. For a moment last week, he seemed like he believed when he called to me about a Cardinal on our lawn.

I am going to stick to my belief and hope that the Cardinal came back because it was Parker. Because he heard me ask him to come back, that I want him to near me and give me hope that I will see him again in another life.  I will keep looking for the Cardinal again.  I choose to be happy to feel and believe Parker is near. Without hope, what is there?

 ~ Parker's Mom

 

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

It’s a shame I can't share my happiness with (my husband) someone close to me who also experienced this loss.

Different people respond differently as you've noticed with your husband.  Don't let that detract from the consolation you received from the cardinal.  Belief is for ourselves.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Parker, My Little Peanut, that was you yesterday!

I am keeping my hope up that you are near to me.  I will be looking for you again.  I do believe you were here, you will stay close, and that you do forgive me.  I believe you know I have always loved you.

I miss you and I want you to stay near me.  Please protect your brothers.  You always comforted them.  You gave them move love than I can.  They miss you.

Almost always, I cannot believe that you are not here where I can see you, hear you, and hold you.  The Cardinal is the only hope I have that you are here in some form. I want to believe.

I Love You,

Your Mom

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Something a little funny:  Still trying to get my husband to believe in the signs, the Cardinal, and spirits. I figure if I go before he does and if he still doesn't believe,  I will make a spirit believer out of him when I come back and haunt him

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My Dear Peanut,

Parker, I am missing you so much more, the last couple of days. I have tried to keep busy, so I am not sad, but you are always on my mind.  This house has too many memories of you.  I would move if I could.  I keep wanting to see you here and reality sets in.  You will never be here again. The word “never” is so heartless.  I should have “never” let you go to that place.  I never wanted you to go. I never got around to cancel.  I never wanted anything bad to happen to you.  I never wanted to be missing you, not so soon.

I get so stuck Parker. It does not seem natural or good to do things knowing you are not here staring up at me with your sparkling eyes; following me all over the house because you always wanted to be close to me; peeking down the stairs at me and then running down with your squeaky toy;  jumping up and down to go out; and biting your brother Leroy’s ears and legs  when it was time to eat. Nothing seems right without your silliness and affection.

I have been waiting for you, for the Cardinal to appear again. It has been very hot. I was not outside much. I heard some birds. I think one may have been the Cardinal.  If that was you, Parker, please stay near and close. I need you to be around.  Next week your brother Leroy needs to get some small lumps removed. He has to be sedated.  I am worried. I know you will watch over him and keep him safe.

I should have worried this much for you. I didn’t know. I need you to watch over Leroy.  We are going to Dr. Chris so I know for sure he will be safe, but then, you never know. I am sorry we did not take you to Dr. Chris. I know in my heart you would be here today. I wish you could have spoken to me.  I know you would have told me that was not the place for you.  I know now and I live with that pain every day.  I know you would have told me to please take you to Dr. Chris instead.  I know you always liked him, and he was so good with you. He knew how to make you feel at ease.

I think about how you felt that day and wondered where we were.  I think about you feeling so lost. Why we left you there.  I am so sorry.  I often wonder how lonely and abandoned you felt.  It was not your usual place. That was my mistake.

Your visits here and your message from the Cardinal, told me you forgive me.  I want to believe that. So, Parker, please come back again. Please don’t go away.  Always stay nearby. 

Parker, please watch over your brothers.  They both miss you.  I want Leroy to be okay. Please keep an eye on him and protect him next week.  For Leroy, for me, please.  And for your brother, Porter.  He and Leroy stay together a lot.  They are not as close with each other as you were to both.   You were their best friend.   You three are my best friends.  My only children. You know how much I LOVE YOU.  I love the three of you all the same.  I miss you more because you are not here.  I wish you could be here next to me. I don’t believe it sometimes. Parker, sometimes I think I am in a dream.  At night, when your brothers are sleeping, I think to myself that you are there with them.  I hope you are there with them in spirit. 

Nothing I say will bring you back. I do not have that magical power.  You do. You can work your magic by coming by as the Cardinal, and other signs that you can give me.  I never believed any of that before. The last couple of times I have honestly felt your presence.  I want to believe.  Make me a believer, Parker.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER

MOM

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

HELLO PARKER, MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL,

I am looking for you today.  I have not seen a sign from you recently.  I was not outside for long today.  I am outside now as the sun goes behind the trees and it gets cooler.  I will keep looking for you and be optimistic that my belief is real, that you are here and will not leave.  

Your brothers are in the house after being outside.  It became too hot for them.  I do wish you were here.  I wish I could see you sunbathing and rolling on your back as you loved to do.  I do not know anymore how I should feel.  I feel guilty if I feel good because it is so unfair you are not enjoying your life.  Then, I do not want to be sad because I think you can feel it and I also do not want to make your brothers feel sad. They already know the dynamic has changed here.  How could any of us not know you are gone?  You were the force that kept us together.  You made us happy. You kept us smiling and happy.  You were the glue. You were our hero.  You were the strength in all of us. You taught us all of this, but it is not the same without you here. Blame me for that.  I believe you forgive me.  You were always sweet and angelic.

Until I see you again, with your sign from the Cardinal, or another sign, please keep us all in your heart.  We all love you.  We all miss you.

I LOVE YOU UNTIL THE EARTH STOPS TURNING, UNTIL THE SUN FALLS OUT OF THE SKY

LOVE MOM

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

DEAR PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL,

Yesterday, your brother Leroy had drippy-runny eyes. It dripped down both sides of his nose. You were the only one to have that. It has only been the last two times that Leroy has had this.  Once in a while, your brother Porter would have it, but never as much as you. It was every day for you. You would always let me put drops in your eyes, you knew you felt better after I did that.  Leroy would not allow me to use the drops, so I did not get a chance to clean up his eyes.  This morning it was gone!  Just like that!  Now I am asking myself if that was you?  Was that you again?  He had the runny eyes about a month ago and I thought the same thing.  Parker, if that was you, please come to me today.  I have been hearing the Cardinal. It has been nearby.  Please come to me, send the Cardinal to me.  I want to know if any of this is another sign from you. 

Dad is not home now, and your Mom is having a rough time.  You may be seeing me cry today.  I do not want to be sad, but it is a struggle not seeing you here. Yesterday we let Leroy run around the yard without his leash. We used to let the two of you do that and you both would chase each other and have such a good time together.  As usual, Porter was still on his leash.  You know he would take off if he was loose. Leroy ran up to Porter to try to play with him, and he snapped at Leroy.  He was never good friends with him as you were to both.  Their best friend, and brother.  We let Leroy and Porter run around in the garden without their leashes.  You loved being in that garden.  Just as your brothers do, you loved the different scents from each plant.  I could always trust leaving you and your brothers in there to play and not wreck the garden.  How I miss those times.  I miss you.

Tomorrow Leroy will be getting some small lumps removed by Dr. Chris.  I am a little worried because he is being checked for skin cancer.  I am also somewhat worried because he has to be sedated, but I know Dr. Chris will check his blood work the same morning and he uses the best modern and mildest sedatives that will not harm Leroy.  I am still a little worried.  I am asking you, Parker, to please protect your brother tomorrow.  Please use your magic and take care of him.  You always used your magic with him and Porter by making them feel safe and loved.  You were the most lovable and always gave your love to me, too.  I hope I gave you enough love in return.  I always wanted you three to feel loved by me.  I would do anything for all of you.  I would run in a burning building to rescue any of you.  I do not know how I failed to keep you safe.  Sometimes evil is stronger than good and I could not prevent the evil that happened.  Again, I am very sorry, and I wish I could make it right.

I will be looking for you today and each day from now on.  Please come to me.  Show me a sign, Parker.

YOU DESERVED SO MUCH MORE.  I WISH I COULD BRING YOU BACK, BUT I LACK THE MAGIC SKILLS YOU HAVE.

MY LITTLE ANGEL, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.  FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

HELLO MY LITTLE PARKER,

I am still missing you so very much.  Your brothers were on the deck this morning. It rained last night. I remember telling all of you not to lick the water after it rained. I did not want you to get sick from standing water. I watched over all of you like a hawk.  I cannot understand how I let this happen. You and I were very close. You were my little model when I made clothes for you guys.  I remember how good you were about trying on the clothes. I would put them on you and take them off, over and over.  What good little boy.  I knew that then. The last time you had your modeling session was just before this happened. I remember that day so clearly.  You kept coming in the room to let me know it was time to eat. I asked you to wait a few minutes. I was just finishing up your little coat. I put away that coat. I cannot look at it now.  It hurts too much. I am sorry if I am making you sad. Mom is very sad. 

I did not hear the Cardinal for a while, but I heard it on Thursday and I saw it yesterday. I hope that was you, Parker.  Please give me any sign. I will look for it. I wish you were here. Every single day I want you to be here.  I miss you every day. 

Your brother Leroy needed minor surgery on his face last Monday.  He had two small cysts removed, he also got his teeth cleaned.  Parker, I know you watched over him because he is doing very well.  One cyst  was on his eyelid and being checked for cancer.  My baby, I am praying your brother does not have cancer.  I should know by Wednesday.  I know you will make it right. Leroy must wear a cone. He is getting used to it.  He managed to pick up his squeaky toy in the cone and squeak it while running around.  I know the two of you would have had so much fun.  You would have tried to take the squeaky from him.  He has been pretty good going up the stairs and opening doors. I was surprised when he came upstairs on his own and pushed open the bedroom door with his cone.  It is kind of funny and cute.  I am glad Leroy did not try to go down the stairs. That would be dangerous. I keep the gate closed to the stairway. I keep the door closed to the basement.  Nothing is going to happen to Leroy or Porter.  I will make sure of it.

Parker, I hope you are spiritually here with us.  I hope your brothers can feel your spirit. Leroy looks sad.  I absolutely know he is missing you.  You were there for your brothers.  You never left Leroy’s side. You were there when Leroy was sick. I remember you kissing him on the face. I have pictures you the two of you. I always loved those pictures.  I knew from the start how close you and Leroy were. You were close to your brother, too. You were their best friend. 

You were my little sweetheart. One of my three best friends in the world. I am missing one.  How could they do this to us and never give me an explanation?   I am so sorry Parker that I allowed you go there. It hurts me so much.  I wish I could make it up to you.  The only things I can do are to keep talking and writing to you, take very good care of your brothers, and I will never forget you.

My sweet little baby remember that Mom has always loved you. I will be looking for a sign from you. I would much rather have you here. 

FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART AND I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU.
 

LOVE,

MOM

 

[kayc]

I'm right behind you on your journey.  My heart goes out to you.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

MISSING YOU, PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, 

I clearly remember the night I was on the desktop computer in the other room shopping for your Dad’s birthday and Christmas presents.   I waited until he was asleep to do my shopping. You slowly walked in the room. You were unsure if you could be in there with me. You were always so obedient.  You saw me smile and then I got one of your beds so you could be comfortable. You stayed with me the entire time. Just watching me.  You always followed me around the house. I loved that.  Sometimes I didn’t even know you were there until I went downstairs and then I would look for you.  I miss that.

Your brother Leroy misses you so much.  He is wearing a cone because of his surgery.  I know you would be kissing and grooming him.  You would always groom him and your other brother and look at me while you were doing it.  It was as if to say, “Hey, look at me.”  You were such a “licky and licking” kind of dog. When you were done with your meal, you would lick your bowl dry.  When you gave me kisses, you always went for the lips.  I would tell you, “No, not on my lips,” but it was too late.  You already slobbered me up.  You were so lovable. I have never had a dog who was as lovable as you. You spread your love among all of us.  It was never-ending love.  I miss that. 

Parker, I don’t know how to get by some days.  Time seems to stand still, yet it goes by fast. The world keeps turning, so I have to keep up, but it is very difficult without you.  Each day is a struggle without you. I expect to see you in the morning, rolling around on your back, trying to copy your brother, Porter.  You really didn’t know how to roll around like he does.  You and Leroy would mimic him, but he is the official back roller. He is Curly Howard reincarnated, but then sometimes I would think he was more like Moe.  You were still very cute when you rolled on your back.  I miss that.

You three were my “maniacs.”  It was crazy time in the morning, at feeding time, and going outside.  Things are so different here without you.  It seems more serious. It is quiet now. There are no maniacs.  You were the leader. The craziness is gone.  I miss that.

Parker, I am hurting.  I need you here. We need you. This is not the way it was supposed to be.  I planned to take portraits this summer of you three and put the prints on the walls.  That will not happen now. For some reason your brothers run the other way when they see the camera.  Of the three of you, you were the one who was so good posing for pictures.  I miss that.

Parker, one night when you were out late with your Dad, I came to get you and Porter. I put the two of you in my car.  You left muddy footprints on the back seats and on my console.  I have not washed them off.  I will never wash them off.  You were so cute when in the car.  I miss that.

Parker, everything I did, I did it for you three little ones.  My “Boys.”  You were all my Baby Boys. I washed your bowls daily. I washed your bedding weekly. I did not use dryer sheets. I was concerned about the chemicals.  I worried about you breathing in those strong odors from paint stain so, I did not stain the wall trim.  It was never a burden to do things for you and your brothers.  It makes me happy to care for them.  I wish I could care for you now.  I miss you.

Parker, the Cardinal has been here for a couple of days.  It has been in our yard.  Please stay if that is you or your messenger.  I am wanting to believe you are with me, and that you are telling me you are safe and you forgive me.  I miss you.

I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY

LOVE,

MOM

[Jackie - Richard]

Apologies as i cant read all ( i will get very emotional ) as i too am still very much grieving over the losses of my three dogs, my fur-babies so i know the heartbreak you are going through...i too lost all three to that dreaded cancer, they were the loves of my life...and i still miss them like crazy...

Keep talking to Parker, he will come back to say a farewell goodbye if he hasn't done so already, my babies did and i will treasure that forever...they came back to me separately in such a strange way that i know they are alright, there truly is an afterlife as i know what i saw was real...

Jackie..

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Thank you Jackie - Richard.  I'm sorry. It must be difficult for you. My heart goes out to you.  I have 2 other dogs, his brothers. I dread the day I have to say goodbye to them.  I didn't get to say goodbye to Parker. They let him go and never called to tell me he was in distress.  

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

DEAR PARKER, MY SWEETHEART,

While I was driving the other day, I heard songs that reminded me of when I used to have you dance with me. You were so small, I had to kneel, stand you up on your back feet, and hold onto your paws. Then I would gently turn you side to side and sing along to the music. You loved that!  You, with your tiny paws, a little larger than my thumbs. What a good sport you were!  You would dance with me until the song was over. More good songs would play, so I had to switch to Leroy and give you a break. Your tiny little feet could stand only so long. “Satisfaction”, “The Twist”, and “Till I Kissed You” were some of my favorite songs to “cut a rug” with you. You used to like to bop to “Doo-Wop” music.   I wanted so badly to dance with you when I got home the other day, but then reality hit me that you are not here. I felt very sad, Parker. Your happy little face would light up when you heard the music. It breaks my heart that we can’t do that anymore.  I think you would have sung along if you could talk.   

My Little Peanut, you are always on my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.  I will cherish you forever.

Your brother Leroy’s cysts were benign. He got his stitches out and he does not need the cone anymore.  He was getting used to that cone. I could not believe how he managed to go up and down the stairs with no problem. He was having fun using the cone as a basket to catch his squeaky toy.  I wonder if he will miss the cone.  Parker, I know you protected him.  Parker, your brother Porter is not feeling well. The boundless energy all three of you has caught up with him.  For the last couple of weeks, he has been running around here, up and down the stairs, running out to the deck, barking at everything and everyone. He must have pulled something in his lower back or maybe Leroy banged into him with the cone.  He saw Dr. Chris who set him up with meds. He is better than what he was, but he needs to rest. Once he is better, I will keep a close eye on him.  His endless energy makes him think he is Superdog.  I know you will watch over him. 

Parker, your Mom is not the same since you are not here. This entire situation has changed me. I will not trust anyone except for Dr. Chris.  Leroy had his teeth cleaned when he had the cysts removed. I was told his teeth were very clean before they cleaned them. It was good news, but also alarming. I think now that you did not need your teeth cleaned, and they could have waited. I believe we were steered the wrong way and none of what you went through was necessary.  I always worry you were kept in a fearful state and it was completely wrong and immoral for them not to send you home. Parker, I just hope you did not suffer. I am so very sorry. You Mom lives with this horrible thought and it eats away at my brain. I was and I am still so devoted to you.  I would never put you in danger.  I trusted they would use good judgment and do the right thing. I am so sorry, my baby.  I have trouble believing all of this is real.  

Please forgive me.  You Mom feels pain about this, and I am trying to move forward. The world turns, yet I stand still.  I need you to watch over me, too.  I need your encouragement.  You were always so strong and very forgiving. I am sorry. I want you here I want to see you staring down from the top of the stairs. I want to see you teasing and biting Leroy’s ear and leg. I want to see you grooming your brothers. I want to see you in your little bed waiting for me. 

I LOVE YOU.  I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH. I WILL WRITE AGAIN.

LOVE,

MOM

 

[kayc]

My friend, No matter how much we say goodbye or tell them we love them, a million times or more, it's never enough...it's never long enough to hold them in our hearts, to hold their sweet bodies next to our own, they are our babies, we love them with all of our being!  We would gladly take their place if only we could. 

Wishing for you some comfort today...knowing someone else is going through similar experience, someone else whose heart is broken in two, never to be whole again.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My heart is broken in a centillion pieces. It would take more than a lifetime to put it back together.  I will cry as many tears. They could overflow the Pacific Ocean.  

. . . Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

To My Dearest Sweet Little Peanut,

This is for you, my love

 

I'll See You Again (song by Westlife)

 

Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear

 

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

 

When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy
And I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life

 

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

 

When I had the time to tell you
I never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again

 

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

 

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside m know I'll see you again

 

I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye

 

Songwriters: Andrew Gerard Hill / Michelle Lena Poole

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that...it expresses what I was thinking/feeling/saying to Arlie last night...especially that we'll be together again, this time to never part, no goodbyes.  I've been losing it a lot, sobbing.  It's hard to feed the cat knowing he can't lick out her can, or to eat myself and not be able to share my last bite with him, or to walk without him beside me.  I talk to him just like I have my husband these last 14 years.

I know the tears will eventually run out and my body will go through the dry heaves of crying, and eventually it will taper into a kind of sadness, a missing him, that I'll have to live with.  Been there when I lost my husband, now heaven holds my dearest ones.

[MartyT]

 ♥

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Kay

I'm sorry you are also feeling down. I guess you are also crying a centillion tears as I am.  I can try to keep myself busy, but the tsunami of tears come out of nowhere. 

I hope it's true we can be with them again.  Knowing for sure would make it easier.

~ Parker's Mom

[kayc]

I believe...I got a message from my former pastor and he says he believes it too, it made me feel encouraged, he is very educated and I value his opinion.

It's all that keeps me going.

I am missing my baby, he is my life, now what?  My husband has been dead over years, Arlie is my life.  I have Kitty but Arlie is the special dog of a lifetime  I want to get another someday but I don't know what or when.  I am afraid I won't be as close to another and that doesn't seem fair to it.

My heart is broken.