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From my little Parker.  He watches over me.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER PARKER.  PLEASE NEVER GO AWAY.  PLEASE STAY NEAR. 

I Walk With You 

I stood by your bed last night,

I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,

You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today,

Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels,

I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today,

You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, “It’s me.”

You looked so very tired and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It’s possible for me, to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over, and I smile and watch you yawning
and say, “Goodnight, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me.

Author unknown

 

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Thank you, I needed that.

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I wrote this for my little Parker who should be here today.
I miss you so much Parker.


Life Without You       (written by your Mom, to you, Parker)

 
A whisper to your brothers for a kiss goes unnoticed

I would be showered with kisses if you were here

Life without you leaves me lonesome without your love

 

An attempt to play with your brother leaves him confused

You would run and chase me if you were here

Life without you, there is no fun

 

Each room I enter is empty. No sign of you at all

Yet I can picture you seated, gazing at me, with your beautiful face smiling at me

It’s only a picture in my mind because it’s life without you

 

I think about our runs in the yard while you sniffed the flowers in between

I wish we could still run together so I could watch you have fun

I only dream about this now because I live life without you

 

My Alpha Dog, you were the spunk and drive that got things going

You were all my little “maniacs” when you got the party started

Now it is all quiet.  This is life without you

 

I had so many plans for you boys this summer

I was to take portraits and set them in acrylic that I could cherish forever

It doesn’t seem right to take them now while I live my life without you

 

I long to see you follow me around. I look for you, but you are not there

You were full of energy. The funny things you did could keep me laughing for hours

It’s wrong that your happy face can’t brighten up the room anymore. This is life without you

 

I don’t know why I had to lose you so young, My Little Peanut. I can’t make sense of it

I am sad, lonely, and I love and miss you so much. I want to hold and squeeze you

Parker, my loving little baby, I cry for you always, sometimes for days

 

I am lost and it’s been so difficult, but I have to find a way to live my life without you

 

~ Mom
I Love You Forever, Parker, my sweet Little Peanut

 

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You express what I am feeling, for that I thank you.  You give words to my aching heart.

3 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I have to find a way to live my life without you

But I don't know how.  This may take a very long time.

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DEAR PARKER,

The time I lost you is coming up.  I don’t know how I will handle it. I have been feeling low and down. I guess I’m not good at handling loss. Especially the way I lost you. If you lived a long life and I knew you had a long, happy life, but it was time, I would save you from suffering, and unselfishly let you go. What happened to you is much different. I have a hard time with it.

Parker, I had time to change this. I had time to decide to keep you home.  I didn’t, even though I had a suspicion and I didn't feel right about it.  I tried thinking positive.  Now I have lived with guilt. Guilt beyond imagination.  I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore.  I cry so much because I feel partly at fault.  I miss you and I feel I have no right to tell you I love you after letting you go there.  Why should you believe me?

How can I say I love you when I allowed this?  I wonder that myself.  I always did everything possible to keep you boys from harm.  Sometimes I overdid it, but you were always safe. Where did I fail?  How did I fail?  I took you away from your brothers. I let you go. Why?  I ask why you?  You were not sick or old. Why did this happen?  I am beyond sad.

I miss you so much.  I am not exaggerating when I say it is very quiet here without you.  I miss my little model.  I haven’t used the sewing machine since you are not here. I put it back in its box.  I miss my little crumb picker. You would look all around for any morsel or crumb to fall while I heard the pitter-patter of your tiny feet.   I miss your little howling bark. You always had “the last bark” when you boys would crowd around the window and bark. It was your tiny bark that I heard last.

Parker, I have bad dreams about what may have happened. I think sometimes you were crying and full of fear. You must have felt we abandoned you.  I wish I could go back and change this!

Please believe when I say I am so very sorry and that I really do love and miss you.  The only way now to make this up to you is to keep writing you and to take extra good care of your brothers. They are so sad without you. Porter has been waiting downstairs at night and won’t come up for a while. I think he is waiting for you.  I know he is.  Leroy looks for you all the time. When he is in his bed, he lies with his back to us. I think this is how he is mourning.  We are all mourning.

I want you here.  You are gone. I don’t know if I will ever see you again.  I am doubting signs. I haven’t seen any in a long time. Maybe they don’t exist.  Maybe you are gone forever. Too hard for me to process. So much of this is seems like it’s real and this is just a dream.   I want to look at your pictures and videos so I can live in the moment, but it’s difficult. I’m not ready yet.  I haven’t found a way to cope with you gone, even after all this time. I’ve never felt this lost and down before.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE PEANUT.   I MISS YOU.  PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

Love,

MOM

 

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Faith does not depend on signs...faith depends on belief and hope.  Let your little Parker fill you with the hope of seeing him again, have faith it will be.  I hold you up in my thoughts and prayers.  I know you love him...HE knows you love him.  He doesn't hold anything against you, the only one who does is you.  Try to be as kind and forgiving to yourself for whatever you imagine to be your offense, as you would to someone else...as you would to Parker.  He loves you.

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I absolutely understand your grief and anger, your feelings of guilt and regret. I failed my sweet little Stubbie when (against my instincts) I allowed a vet to euthanize her. Stubbie was killed on Oct 22, 2019. She had become lethargic, her appetite had decreased, and she no longer wanted to go on her walks with her brother and sister. I thought she might be in pain but I wasn't sure so I took her to the vet. He diagnosed her with arthritis and prescribed a 10-day steroid, which made her vomit. A few days later I took her back to the same vet who then hospitalized her and did blood work. The next morning, the vet informed me that my Stubbie had a toxic liver, was in great pain, which he could not manage. He indicated that her toxic liver was caused by an intermediate soft tissue sarcoma (cancer). Yes, she had been diagnosed with cancer, but her tumor had been removed months prior; the cancer was in remission. Even the cancer report indicated that Stubbie would live 2-4 years. But the vet continued to insist that she was in pain and that he could not manage her pain bc her liver had become too toxic because of the cancer. When I later reviewed the blood report, I realized that pancreatitis and hypothyroidism had not been ruled out, both of which were very treatable and which could have easily affected her liver. I realized too late that it wasn't the cancer at all causing her illness as the vet insisted. But it was too late because in my great fear that Stubbie was suffering I allowed the vet to euthanize her. I allowed it all the while knowing that all Stubbie wanted to do was come home to rest and get better. I realize that I should have waited to make the decision. I should have sought a second opinion. I should have brought her back home where she was happy and comfortable, where she would at least be able to say goodbye to her siblings and they to her. I miss her so much, her big brown eyes looking up at me, trusting me to keep her safe, and yet I failed her, an unforgivable failure on my part. At just three weeks old I held Stubbie in the palm of my hand and fed her using a milk bottle when her own mother was no longer able to nurse her. I had kept her along with her newborn siblings safe for 15 years and seven weeks. She trusted me and when she needed me most, I let her down because I didn't trust my own instincts, didn't do research before I agreed to let her be killed, didn't get a second opinion as I should have, ignored her silent pleas to take her home and instead let her be killed on a cold hard table without so much as having her own bed and blanket. I am so ashamed. 

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Against my instincts I allowed a vet to euthanize my little Stubbie on 10/22/19. I am filled with remorse, regret, guilt, pain, and anger. I can barely get out of bed; I cannot eat or sleep; I just cry all day. I cannot properly care for Stubbie's two sibling's because I am too distraught. I cannot explain to my husband what I am feeling. I just cry all day. Stubbie trusted me to keep her safe. I'd fed her with a milk bottle when she was just three weeks old.

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On 10/219 I prematurely allowed a vet to euthanize my little sweet Stubbie. I feel so much pain and anger and guilt. I can barely get out of bed or eat. I cry all day. I cannot explain to my husband what's wrong with meo I cannot care for Stubbie's sister and brother who are surely grieving her loss as well.

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I feel your grief so deeply: the pain, the anger, and oh the aching regret and guilt. When reading about Parker, I think I am reading about my own loss, about sweet Stubbie. She was prematurely euthanized on 10/22/19. I can't forgive what I've done nor make sense of it. I can't sleep, eat, all I do is cry. I can barely get out of bed. How do I explain Stubbie's death to her brother and sister? How do I express this intense suffering and guilt to my husband? I am always in tears. I am so angry with myself and with the vet. It wasn't time for little sweet Stubbie to die.

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12 hours ago, Neloa Jones said:

I cannot properly care for Stubbie's two sibling's because I am too distraught.

I am very sorry for your loss.  PLEASE make sure you are caring for Stubbie's siblings so you don't compound the situation...them suffering for what has already been done will make things worse, not better.

We feel responsible to protect them from anything/everything yet some things are beyond our control...I hope you go back to this vet with your findings and get an explanation from him as to why he recommended what he did.  All the surmising in the world won't help but maybe he has legitimate reason for his thinking, I beg you to hear him out.  We are not vets/doctors, we rely on them heavily but also our own instinct as we know our animals best and notice when something is wrong.  You said yourself Stubbie was suffering, that's why you took him to the vet in the first place.

I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

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On 11/1/2019 at 11:28 AM, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

The time I lost you is coming up. 

When is it?  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as it approaches.  I wish you could find a way to forgive yourself.  I hope it helps you as you pour your heart out to Parker here.  (((hugs)))

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kayc, it is on Christmas Eve, of all days. A day that's supposed to be happy and until further notice,  I will never be able to celebrate my holidays again.  My birthday is in December.  December this year does not exist for me. I have ripped it off my calendar. 

I will never forgive myself since I had time to halt this and I failed to do so. I cannot forgive my husband. He set the plan in motion.  I am thinking of asking him to write my Parker a letter telling him he's sorry and how much he loves and misses him.  I don't think that will happen. My husband is not that type. He is certainly a caveman. I suffer alone in my grief due to his lack of understanding and lack of empathy.  He said he doesn't understand what a dark place means.  Maybe he should just leave. I would have been better off without him.   

My shining light has gone out here. I watch Leroy in sadness everyday. He doesn't deserve this. Parker's brother, Porter, has been waiting downstairs at night, I think waiting for Parker to come. This has shattered my home. 

These 2 dogs wake up with unbelievable energy. They run down the stairs. There is no coughing, No hacking. No tiredness.  That was the same for Parker. He had more energy than these 2 guys. He was the first up in the morning and the only one who always wanted to play.  There was nothing wrong him.  I curse that vet blaming the food I fed them. He waited till my dog died to say that. He knew the whole time what I fed them and if it was a concern, he should have taken precaution. He did nothing. He didn't make a plan. I'll swear on my life my dog's fear had a lot to do with this and that vet never called me as I requested, to ask to abort the procedure due to his fear. I believe he was gone for hours until that vet could think of what to say, that's when he called with nothing much to say, just blame the food. I allowed him to go there with the feeling that something wasn't right. My husband brought him there. We gave that vet permission to do whatever he wanted to my dog, including kill him, or allow him to die.  I can't erase the guilt. It's embedded in my brain and heart. 

All I had to do was say NO. I had that morning to keep him home. I don't know what happened. Why I didn't. This was not my regular vet.  Then I found out all the things he left out, did not do by law, and lies.  I cannot believe we took him away from his regular vet for 5.5 years.  Why?   Why would we do that?  I'm beside myself.  My 2 babies keep me going. They need me.  ~ Parker's Mom

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23 hours ago, Neloa Jones said:

I feel your grief so deeply: the pain, the anger, and oh the aching regret and guilt. When reading about Parker, I think I am reading about my own loss, about sweet Stubbie. She was prematurely euthanized on 10/22/19. I can't forgive what I've done nor make sense of it. I can't sleep, eat, all I do is cry. I can barely get out of bed. How do I explain Stubbie's death to her brother and sister? How do I express this intense suffering and guilt to my husband? I am always in tears. I am so angry with myself and with the vet. It wasn't time for little sweet Stubbie to die.

Neloa, I know how you feel.  I have been apologizing to his brothers nearly every day. I see their said faces. I know they are grieving. I know they  miss him. He was the Alpha Dog, the life and sunshine here.  I also ask, how do you show or explain this to their siblings?  I don't tell my husband how I feel. He lacks understanding and empathy. That causes me to be more alone. I see a counselor. My husband goes. The counselors sees my husband doesn't show feelings and doesn't understand how I feel.  I keep it to myself. 

I won't blame you for Stubbie's death.  I know you feel partly to blame, just as I do.  I just know in life, there are things we can prevent.  Sometimes we get too busy and lose sight. I do believe some things are preventable, otherwise "intuition" would not be a word. I had intuition something was not right and I had my fear about this "routine" dental, but I got caught up in other things and tried not to argue with my husband after he insisted this was necessary. It was not.  Only "a matter of life or death" surgery is necessary.  I am bitter for many reasons. I am also angry with myself. I can relate to what you feel.  I am so sorry for what happened to Stubbie and what you are going through.  This is a long road we have ahead of us.  ~ Parker's Mom

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Caveman or not, doesn't mean he doesn't feel deep inside, he just handles it differently than you do.  Neither right or wrong, just different. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him, to forgive yourself.  Otherwise it will destroy what good there still exists.  Holding bitterness is a poison...I've seen it's effects on people.  It does no good, certainly your little Parker wouldn;t want that.

I'm sorry, December is hard enough.  I remember when my husband died, June 19, 2005...I made it through July 4th, Labor Day (that was a big day in my family, my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, and then when Easter (the most important of religious holidays to me) approached, I major revolted!  I could not do another "holiday without."  I told the kids there would be no Easter dinner, I stayed home from church, I treated it as a day like any other day.  The kids were fine with that, they understood.  The following Sunday I had a big dinner for the kids but no one brought up the subject of Easter.  By the time his birthday, Father's Day, and anv. of death arrived, I felt I deserved a medal of honor for having survived that first year.  The second year was no easier but at least I knew i had survived the first year.  Now I am going through it with my Arlie and finding one loss does not necessarily prepare you for another. It's just as hard and it hurts like hades.  Trying to get through it one day at a time.  The thing is, part of my "tips" for surviving loss is to get a dog.  Ha!  How ironic that now it's the loss of that dog that is hitting me.  It seems like a cruel joke.

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TO MY WONDERFUL SWEET PARKER,

Yesterday, your brother Porter did something that reminded me of you.  I was up late cooking and baking. It was past his bedtime.  He wouldn’t go up to bed. He sat there in the kitchen and watched me. He wasn’t looking for a treat or a crumb to fall.  He just wanted to be there. It was so much like you when you would follow me around the house and gaze at me.  I took that for granted. Parker, I always thought you guys would be here for many, many years. I never experienced a loss of a young pet. My last dog was 16 and he lived a very happy and long life. I thought all of you would live to at least 16. I took it for granted that I had so much more time.  I miss the times I would touch your tail and you would turn in a circle. You loved being teased.  That made you more playful.  I am confused how a playful little boy like you could be gone just like that.

So, there I was, cooking and baking.  Just like I would for you, I got a bed and blanket for Porter.  He looked so relaxed. He laid there and got comfy. He dozed off a few times. It was comforting to have him there. I felt like he just wanted to be near his mom, just like you.  I remember last year when I was up late shopping online for your dad’s birthday gift. You tiptoed into the room. It was so nice that you wanted to be with me. I got a bed for you to make you comfortable. You stayed there and gazed at me with your sparkling brown eyes.  Last night, Porter reminded me of you.  It was a great moment, but also bittersweet because I also wanted you there.  I cried.  I longed to see you. 

When I was done, your brother was happy to follow me upstairs to his bed.  He made me feel so good being by my side.  I miss that of you. Porter was able to give that to me. He has been staying downstairs a lot while I am still there.  He waits for me to go upstairs.  That also reminds me of you. There were many times when we were all going up to sleep, and you would be the first to run up the stairs, so excited to go to your bed.  You and Porter would sleep close together and cuddle.  I don’t know if Porter is missing that and if that is why he waits until I am ready to go up.

Everything here has changed. The 6-year routine no longer exists.  My little leader, we are lost without you. It was you who filled us with sunshine, energy, and joy.  Nothing is the same. I am not the same. This has taken a toll on me.  You belong here.  Someone decided your fate and it was not a higher power. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what happened.

I need a sign from you. I’m losing faith in signs and spirits.  Please come to me in a dream. I want to see you as you were.

I am so sorry, my baby.  I hope someday I will see you again.  I don’t know if that even exists. It breaks my heart that I may never see you again. 

PARKER, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT’S IMMEASURABLE.

Here is a poem for you, and a picture of your brother Porter as he stayed by my side last night.

I LOVE YOU PARKER. FOREVER.

 LOVE,

MOM

 

He Was Just My Dog

By Unknown Author

He was my other eyes that could see above the clouds;
my other ears that heard above the winds.
He was the part of me that could reach out into the sea.

He had told me a thousand times over that I was his reason for being;
by the way he rested against my leg;
by the way he wagged his tail at my smallest smile;
by the way he showed he hurt when I left without taking him along
(I think it made him sick with worry because he was not along to care for me).

When I was wrong, he was delighted to forgive.
When I was angry, he clowned to make me smile.
When I was happy, he was joy unbounded.
When I was a fool, he ignored it.
When I succeeded, he bragged.
Without him, I am only another person.
With him, I was all powerful.

He was loyalty itself.
He had taught me the meaning of devotion.
With him, I knew a secret comfort and a private peace.
He had brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.
His head on my knee could heal my human hurts.
His kisses on my tears washed away my bad feelings.
His presence by my side was protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.

He had promised to wait for me…whenever…wherever…in case I need him.
And I expect I will — as I always have — he was just my dog.

 

PORTER  (PARKER'S BROTHER)

IMG_20191105_212038_Porter_bed_kitchen.jpg

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I love this picture of him, sweet, sweet dog.

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Porter is my sweetie.  He and his Beagle brother, Leroy.  I adore these guys.  I dread the day they get sick.   I have always fussed over them, take superb care of them, and never give them table food.  I am hoping they live a very long healthy life.  There is no reason, good or bad, that their brother Parker is gone. He was not meant to go. I keep thinking it. Saying it. And I will say it until the day I die that he was taken from us by an incompetent monster.  I hope the state gives him justice and saves future pets. (That vet was previously sued for the cause of a cat's death by misdiagnosing it. Wish I had known that before this happened.)

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To our wonderful brother Parker who we miss every day.  Life is not the same without you. We are no longer the Musketeers. We have lost our best friend.

We love you brother.

This poem is for you, from us.

Love,

Porter and Leroy

 
P1010256butts-forpoem-small.jpg  

 

In Memory of a Wonderful Brother

By an Unknown Author

We hold onto our memories
The ones that are so dear
To try to keep you always close
Now you are not here


You were called, it was your time
But it is so true
You have left a legacy
There was no one like you


You were very special
And we want to say
We feel lost in many ways
You are not here today


But we will never forget you
And we know we have been blessed
To have you for our Brother
Because you were the best

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