loss of pet l FAILED MY LITTLE ONE, I'M FULL OF GUILT

[kayc]

Yes, I feel the same way.  I love little Kodie but still miss my Arlie, who will always be my One.  There is no replacing that special one, there is only but to live with them alive in our hearts and memories...and looking toward the day we can be with them again.  I ache for the pain you feel. 

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

 My son, I'm feeling guilty because I haven't written in a long time.  I haven't had much to say because I can only wish for you to return and I know that's impossible.

One of our friends had a stroke and we've been helping him out. His mental capacity is there, but he is not doing well physically and then he got the flu on top of it.  He was the friend you always liked. You didn't trust too many men, but he was the one and maybe only, that you took a liking to.  I am so sorry you are not here to see him when he returns. He really liked you, too.  

I love you Parker.  I will repeat myself again and again.  I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU.  As I have told you, I have changed. I am not the same as I used to be. I am more serious and less fun. Underneath, I am still bearing the pain of losing you.  I still yearn for your to be here. I can't do many things I used to if they had involved you. It hurts too much.  You brothers miss you. I had Leroy smell your jacket and he wagged his tail.  It made me feel so good. I fell as though he felt your presence was near.  You were all such good dogs.  My loss has taken me to a different level.  

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PARKER. THIS LETTER WOULD BE 100 PAGES IF I WROTE THE REASONS WHY.  

I MISS YOU SO MUCH PARKER.

Please stay near. I need your spirit with me. With us.

LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER IN ETERNITY,

MOM

 

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

By Roger Caras

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My Sweet Little Peanut,

I want you to know that I gave you a voice.  It was time for you to be heard.   Your message was strong and straightforward.  The letter was brought to that vet's office by me, in person.  I remember him telling me, "It happens" when he called that horrible day. He didn't have the decency to call me when trouble arose.  He waited until you were already gone.  He had nothing else to say. He knew he was wrong and later I found out he was full of lies. That's okay, because  karma is a powerful thing.

I wish you were here instead.  It's difficult to look at your picture. I LOVE YOU. You will have a voice again on your birthday.

Remember me?  You should.        
  

I was in your care, but not for long before you went home, feasted, and celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas, and then the New Year.  I’ll bet you celebrated as if everything was copacetic while I laid in your morgue in a plastic bag. 

I had two brief visits there and on the third, you managed to silence me forever. The total of the three visits was only a few hours.  I was the sunshine with infinite energy in my home, and I was so young. My brothers lost their best friend. My Mom blamed herself for bringing me there.  It’s not her fault.  It was you or your tech to last see me alive and did not save me, you know, allowed me to die. 

My family’s holidays were destroyed.  I’m sure you know why.  You can’t forget so easily. Their holidays are ruined this year, too, for the same reason.  My parents still grieve.  So do my brothers.  I’ll bet you’ll be celebrating your holidays this year, just like last, like nothing happened.  Enjoy yourself just as you did last year. 

I won’t see you up here where I am.  Most make it up here, but some wind up somewhere else, you know, "It happens."

Remember me.  I may visit you in your dreams. 

From Heaven,

Parker

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

  

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My Loving Little Parker,

I am so, so sorry. I can't let it go that I feel partly to blame for you not being here. I think about you all day, everyday. I called your brother by your name by mistake, and I broke down.

I miss you so much. I will write you again, very soon. 

I just needed to let you know that I have not forgotten you. I yearn to hold you and receive your big kisses.  Your brothers are the only reason I keep going. They need me and I need them, too. I loved you all the same, but I miss you immensely.

It's one day at a time for me. I wish I knew for sure if we would be together again. It would give me some relief. 

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE BABY.

LOVE,
MOM

[kayc]

Believe it.  "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  It only takes a mustard seed size of faith to believe.  Just opening your mind to "maybe...just maybe..." is all it takes to start with.

And forgive yourself.  We ALL have things we wish we'd done differently after they die.  Hindsight is always easier...but we're human.  We aren't perfect...none of us are.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

PARKER, MY SWEETHEART,

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like.  It hurts so much to write because it is the reality you are not here, next to me. 

I cannot seem to accept you are gone.  I'm sorry I have not been able to view your ashes in the cabinet. They are in the box in a bag. I cannot open the cabinet. I wonder sometimes if I see it, will it ease my pain and allow me to accept it, or will it make me feel worse. I haven't set up a tribute to you yet. Is that wrong?  I have a hard time viewing your pictures. I don't know how I uploaded the few pictures on this forum.  

The pain of losing you is still intense for me.  I have sudden crying outbursts, of course when I am alone. I don't show my sadness around others. I try not to upset your brothers. I think they worry about me when I cry.  I remember how close you were with them.  There were times when Porter didn't feel well and went into his crate. You would stand outside the crate looking at him. Sometimes you would go in with him and lie next to him.  You were so caring. Always worried about everyone else. Like you were human.  I wish our pets could talk. Just think how much we could know and help get you better if you told us how you felt.  We would have so much more time with you.  You would have told me so much that day. I know "please" would have been asked over and over. You would have pleaded with me to stay home.  I know I would have listened. I should have listened to my heart. My heart told me you should have stayed, but I let myself down, and of course I let you down. 

Parker, how am I going to get through this?  It's been 14 months and I still feel my loss.  Everyday. I called Leroy by your name the other day, and I broke down. It was when I dressed them to go outside. It's always the time I notice your absence more.  You were were always the first one and you were always done so fast. You had no issues with anything. There was nothing wrong with you.  You were only missing a voice to talk to me.  I am your voice now. I taking care of it. I hope your voice is heard. It means a lot to me and to help save others.  I'm hoping for the best so you can rest peacefully.

There are advantages of being old.  I get a senior discount at the movies and supermarket.  Other discounts. I lived through a generation I would never trade. Wisdom. Most of all, each day I get closer to Rainbow Bridge.  I want to be healthy for your brothers, but I know the day will come when I will grieve again, and again.  I dread it, but after that, maybe my time will come when I can be with all of you, and Max, my first dog decades ago. 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.  I can't believe any of this has happened, but I see on the forum that people suffer losses every day.  Like many others, I feel I can't believe this has happened.  It never seems real, but it is.

I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU PARKER.

LOVE,
MOM

 

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

~  Will Rogers

 

[kayc]

I understand.  I cried too yesterday.  I realize he's gone and have no choice but to accept it, what I think doesn't have a bearing on it anyway, but I love and miss him as much as I did day one.  He holds my heart and always will.  I see so many ways little Kodie is like Arlie, amazing, it makes me wonder...

Holding you and Parker in my heartfelt prayers.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

_{MY DEAR PRECIOUS BABY,}

<sub>Hello Parker. Mom misses you so much.  I need your presence to lighten up the tension for me.  Things are in a turmoil here in the world.  We have a serious virus circulating the globe. It's caused people to get sick and die and caused financial problems for mostly all of us in every which way.  Some people can't work for all different reasons, all kinds of events have been cancelled from towns to big cities.  Nothing was ever the same for me when I lost you.  Now nothing is the same anymore for almost the entire world.  I cry for those who have been affected by the illness and death.  In a flash this happened, and experts are unsure what path it will take because they are still learning about this disease.  I am worried your dad may lose his job. They haven't been testing them at work so I also worry he could get the virus since he works in a high-risk job.  

After what happened to you, I learned to trust my intuition. I neglected to do that at first and that is why you are not here. I take full blame for not listening to my feelings. I wish I had taken my doubting thoughts more seriously. I am truly sorry.  Sorry doesn't make it right or bring you back.
 
At the end of last year, I had strange and strong feelings about this new year.  They were not good.  I had premonitions that people close to me and your dad may get sick and may pass away.  The first week of the new year, our friend Ken, had a stroke. He's home now, but his left side is not good. He is only 59. He's single and doesn't take good care of himself. We don't see him lasting long because of that. You always liked Ken. You warmed up to him each time he was here. 

I wish you were here. You would cheer me up.  I played some music today and I pictured dancing with you to some of the songs. It made me sad that I couldn’t scoop you up and do a little Hustle like we used to. I was always so gentle with you, you with your teeny Chihuahua feet.  I would kneel on the floor and you loved to dance.  Oh, how I miss that. Parker, with this pandemic disease and the stock market in such unsteadiness, I may have lost most of my retirement in the last 10 days.  If things don’t get better, and may I lose almost all of it, it could take me over deep end physically. I am already stressing. I’ve had a tough year without you, trying to figure out what I could have done better, constantly blaming myself, blaming your dad, and worrying even more about your brothers, thinking anything can happen to them.</sub> 

_{Your brother Leroy had surgery at the end of July. He had some lumps that needed to be biopsied, plus one was on his eyelid. Luckily, they were benign. Now I face the challenge of taking it in stride that he is going on Monday, March 16 to have another lump removed. I feel I got lucky the last time when he recovered. Sometimes I don’t feel I have much luck and it worries me if he will be okay and recover. Your other brother desperately needs his teeth cleaned and I dread that procedure, too.  I am lucky to have a young, up to date with medicine, and cautious vet. You know. Dr. Chris. You always liked him. He was your vet for 5.5 years. I made the mistake by going somewhere else just for a simple routine teeth cleaning and that other guy couldn’t even get it right. I didn’t feel right about it and I still let you go. Now I miss you all the time.}

_{Parker, the country and the world are in peril.  We have all been hit with this bomb of a crisis and no one really knows the answers.  It’s all speculation and theories right now.  We don’t know what’s coming next.  I’m stressed about it, my finances, and our home situation. I am having chest pains and I am not sick with the virus. I’m not a spring chicken and I’ve pushed myself to the limit these last 15 months. I should have been exercising and eating good and I haven’t.}

_{Parker, please know that I will always love you and I always hope I will see you again one day. I don’t know if that could ever happen, that’s another thing that worries me. That this is it and the only contact I have with you are these letters.  I don’t know if there is another place and if you would be there.  I wish I knew a lot more about a lot of things right now.}

_{I LOVE YOU DEARLY.  FOREVER AND EVER. I MISS YOUR SMILING AND HAPPY FACE. YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL LOVING AND CARING FRIEND. When your bother didn’t feel well, he would retreat to his crate to be alone. You would stand outside the crate, pacing. You were worried about him. Eventually you found a way to go in the crate with him, lied close him, and give him comfort. Such a good quality for a sweet little dog. You always sensed it when any of us needed comfort.  You would be right there.}

_{I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE ALPHA DOG. YOU WERE TAKEN TOO SOON. I AM BROKENHEARTED.}

_{LOVING YOU FOREVER,}

_{YOU MOM}

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

TO MY LITTLE MAN,

Hi there my sweet Parker.  I miss you so much.  I finally hung up a tribute to you with your pictures. I don’t look closely at it because it still hurts me, but it’s there and I feel in my heart that you deserve to be honored. 

I want to thank you for looking out for your brother Leroy and keeping him safe during his surgery. He came out like a champ. He’s such a happy dog. I still see sadness in his eyes because he misses you, his best friend.  He is taking it well wearing a cone for the second time in 4 months.  I know with your doggie powers from above that his biopsy will be good.  I trust in you.

Now, I need your help again, Parker, my precious one.  Your brother Porter lost a tooth and he has signs of periodontal disease. He has two loose bottom teeth and he is in pain, so they need to be removed.  I am, once again, petrified.  I need you, my sweetheart to do all you can to watch over him and keep him safe. His pancreatic and liver levels were checked. Both were a little high. This was a routine check-up for him.  His pancreatitis hasn’t shown recent symptoms. He is full of energy. I need to discuss the details with Dr. Chris.  Last year Porter had IV and medication treatment and afterward his pancreatic level was still somewhat high.  It seemed he may run a little high because by that time he was feeling well.  The liver and pancreas results are cleared for Porter for his extractions, but I still worry because of what happened with you.  I trust you Parker to get Porter through this.  I'm on pins and needles.  Your strength and love when you were here, continues to shroud us. You are missed and loved.

Parker, you are our shining light.  Please keep Porter safe. This procedure is not elective. It’s necessary.

Things are bad enough going on in the world.  Sad things.  I’m affected by it. I’ve been told I tend to hold the world on my shoulders.  I may have been sick from it. I had the symptoms and was sick for over 3 weeks. I have stayed in the house. I had no energy to go out. I am still feeling rundown and yesterday I had the chills with the heat pumped up. I'm very tired and cold right now. It may not be gone.  It's cold outside.  Where is spring?

When I lost you, my personal world went dark.  The tragedy occurring throughout the world has now darkened my world even more.  I have always wished for world peace, which is asking for much.  We now have a very serious problem that no one would have expected in this lifetime.  I want to help and pay it forward.  Giving blood next week is a step. My new greeting has been a Japanese Bow. It’s respectful and it keeps the social distance.

I am keeping your harness close to me with your squeaky toys. They will never take the place of you in person, but they are part of you that I can cherish.

I will be writing you again. Your birthday is coming up. That will be a difficult day for me.

I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY.

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.  PLEASE DON’T FORGET ME.

I LOVE YOU,

MOM

*I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.

[kayc]

I feel much the same as you...still have Arlie's coat hanging on the back of a chair as I always did, wishing for the boy that filled it.  I don't see me ever getting rid of it.  I still have his leash and collar hanging by the door.  I've given some of the larger toys to my son's dog, but have kept the rest for Kodie and I tell him about his big brother, Arlie.  He reminds me of him but of course he isn't him.  No one is my Arlie, I miss and love him so much...I always will.  It brings me to tears even now just writing this.

God bless you for giving blood, I am unable to do that, they literally lost me the one time I did, I saw my kids standing there looking scared while they worked on my body and I thought, I have to be here to raise them and went back into my body.  I haven't given blood since.  My BP was "borderline high" they said, don't know why they took it anyway.  But for those who can donate, thank you from the rest of us!

I'm sorry you're feeling all those grief feelings for Parker, even as I do for my Arlie.  I know the pain.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Kay,

How did that happen to you when you gave the blood?  Besides your BP, were you also under the minimum weight?  My blood pressure is normally pretty low. In the past I've been asked if I was alive because it was so low.  I'm sort of scared because this is my first time. I have usually been too underweight to give it. I've gained a few pounds, enough to be over the minimum. Besides being scared of my own blood, I don't know if I will faint if I glance over. Don't they take a pint or something like that?  I never look when I get a little vial taken from me.  

I'm sorry about Arlie for you as well.  I'm sorry for everyone who is going through this awful time. Those who are losing their pets, but have also lost family and friends to this awful virus. Being of Italian descent, I am so saddened about the Lombardy region in particular which has lost so many. I early retired from Sanofi who is a leader in vaccines and one of largest pharma companies. They manufacture vaccines 10 miles from my house. I am seeking work there as a a temp. Haven't heard anything yet. I want to help as much as I can with this. It's not for the money, although my husband works for United and he's most likely going to be laid off or lose his job. They are losing $100 million a day. He said the planes are empty, and that's at Newark, a huge airport.  Keeping the world in my heart that this goes away quickly. Be careful out there. I've heard from reliable sources on TV that if someone who has it can transfer it to our pet's fur and then we can get it even though our pets are not symptomatic.  I think that's how it's been going with children who are not symptomatic, they may be carrying it. Scary time now.  Stay safe.  Practice the Japanese bow and you won't  have to get close or elbow greet someone who just sneezed into their elbow.  (I never thought that greeting idea was very smart.)  ~ Parker's Mom - Tina

*I just realized. I don't think I can give blood if I am not feeling well and possibly have this virus.

[kayc]

They shouldn't have gone ahead and taken my blood since I was borderline high BP...I never had high BP until I was pregnant and wasn't diagnosed afterwards until this incident.  I've been on medicine for it ever since.  It was weird because I could watch what they were doing to me from up above and see how white my kids' faces were.  The workers were pretty frantic too.  I wasn't paying attention to what they were doing to my body so much as I was concerned about my kids.

I read in the news that the president was going to loan money to the airlines to get them through this, I hope so.

No, you can't donate blood if you're sick, but it's still awfully nice of you to want to.

Today I was holding Arlie's coat and crying and Litttle Kodie ran up to me, all concerned, wanting to comfort me.  It meant a lot.  Perhaps Arlie sent him to me.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Hi Kay,

My husband is on a 2-week paid leave from United at Newark Airport.  There were 2 coronavirus deaths at United in late March. One was a 52-year old ramp worker and other was 58-year old mechanic in the next shop. My husband used to work closely with him.  There were several people out on self-quarantine and 2 were on ventilators.  So, United decided to give them paid time off. Airlines did get money from government, but they are losing big money.  Every single airline in the world has parked at least half of their fleet in deserts, etc.  They are working on skeleton staffs.  They will know at United on Oct 1, who will have a job and who will not, and who knows if the company can stay afloat if this goes on too long.  They could all be out of work.

It took me 3 weeks to get well. I didn't give blood. I had some kind of tooth infection, which could have been my problem all the while. 

Hanging in there.  My Chihuahua-Beagle, Porter has been sick since Easter, 4/12.  Today is 4/25.  He's been crated since then. He is taken outside in a carrier.  In pain. Has been to the vet 3 times in 10 days. Had ultrasound, Lyme test, echo, urinalysis, cortisol test.  Clean ultrasound, urinalysis, and Lyme. Echo showed some mild heart problem consistent with his pain and age (8).  Diagnosis looks like his pancreatitis is acting up and he has back/neck/spinal pain.  Cause unknown at this time.  Pancreatitis number way up. On Prednisone, Neurontin (gabapentin) and Amoxy.  Could possibly have Addison's, maybe secondary to pancreatitis. Cortisol was low. Can't get Addison's test until he's completely done with meds which will be way after May 20.  Didn't get a chance to celebrate his birthday on 4/20 (he and Parker had same birthday. I still owe Parker a birthday letter).  Last weekend I thought we were going to lose Porter. He was excessively panting, shaking, could not stand up, trouble urinating and moving bowels.  We took him to a 24 hour vet on Saturday.  They did blood work.  Didn't have ultrasound.  Couldn't do much for us. We had to wait till Monday for his regular vet visit and scheduled ultrasound, etc.  Keeping my fingers crossed he does not have Addison's, just another thing to lower his immune system and I don't want him on meds the rest of his life.  He is a very energetic dog, never stops.  Possible he pulled something or pinched a nerve.  He has had similar before, but always bounced back much sooner than this. Time will tell. I hope it is only a pinched nerve and not back or spinal issues.  Keeping fingers crossed.  Leroy is once again lonely. The little bit of friendship he has with Porter is now on hold.   I have many Parker Moments, but lately with Porter being sick, I've been busy trying to keep him comfortable.

I hope you are well and surviving this pandemic situation.  Locked up in the house, everyone wearing masks.  So unreal to me. I was already having an unreal moment losing Parker, and then this virus came along. I have a molar with a fractured root and no dentist will see me.  I did get Z-Pak for infection.  I also used Anbesol 2x and it worked great. Tooth pops in and out of socket.  It flops to the side when I lie down on opposite side. Very strange. While I sleep, I wear my retainer from over 30 years ago. Still fits and keeps tooth in place.  Hey!  Maybe I don't need it pulled! 

Maybe if I inject myself with disinfectant I can ward off the virus.  Think so?  I could spray my throat with Lysol, would that work?  Maybe inject myself with UV.  Wonder how I can do that?  I'm sure we all have jokes about those absurd recommendations.

Have a good rest of the weekend.  I don't have to tell you to stay safe. I know you will.  

Good health to you,

Tina ~ Parker, Porter, and Leroy's Mom

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I'm sure we all have jokes about those absurd recommendations.

IDK, I got hammered on FB just for posting the video, w/o comment or opinion (well aside from a joke to a friend about if he starts giving us grape Kool-aid like Jim Jones, I'm outta here!)  Sometimes FB can be annoying, esp. when people come out of the woodwork, defensive and attacking, good grief!

I am SO SORRY for poor little Porter!  AND YOU!  What a months you're both having!  I'm sure Leroy senses all this stress and is unhappy too.  And your husband's job...I pray he doesn't lose it.  They should know a lot more by October, let's home things turn around ahead of then.  They either sit empty or are filled with passengers shoulder to shoulder not wearing masks, either way is not good!  These are indeed trying times.

Hard to believe a year has gone by since you've lost Parker, 8 1/2 months since I've lost Arlie.  In a way it feels like forever and yet I find it hard to fathom I've "survived" this long without him.  My heart is still broken, still missing him, I've accepted that this is another grief I must live with just like the loss of my husband.  Some things alter your life forever.  His coat still sits out on a chair and I hold it.  He was a huge dog so he had a huge coat.  It is purple, I remember the day I bought it for him, I was out of work so it was a luxury expenditure, but we live in Oregon and walk in all kinds of inclement weather so I felt it necessary and am so glad I did, it was the best coat I've ever seen, waterproof and comfortable for him and after I revamped it, it fit him well and was a cinch getting on him.  I go back and forth between past and present tense, it's confusing, but I love him, present tense in addition to past.

Here they just opened up for dentists and most of them practice PPE.  Hopefully you can get in soon.  Will pray for you and your family.

 

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

Dear Parker, My Sweetheart

Oh, my precious. I have not written you in such a long time. I miss you so much. I have been thinking about you so much lately.

So many things have happened. People who worked with your dad at the airport have died from a virus that has taken over. We are locked down. No word when we will open.  All of this going on caused me to not write sooner.

I miss you, my little one. I think about you all the time.  I see you sometimes playing with your brother, but then I realize it is a mirage. A feeling that I want you here. I am still waiting for the state's decision.  I have found more things to add. I am doing that this week. I keep your squeaky toys close to me. I have your harnesses and jackets, including the thermals I made for you, in my drawer. It hurts to know you will never wear them again. 

I saw a dog that reminded me of you. He was playful like you and he had the same birthday. I did not want to replace you, but he seemed like what Leroy would need in a friend because he was just like you. He got adopted. I missed out. Your brother Porter is being nicer to Leroy. Sometimes he sits very close to him.  It makes me happy.  Porter was always a loner although I am sure he misses you.  He did play with you.  I think Leroy feels your loss more.  He needs a playmate. I do not know what to do. I do not want to replace you.  You cannot be replaced. You are a leader and an Alpha Dog. 

I do not know why this happened. It was routine. Leroy had his teeth cleaned not long ago and he did very well. Right vet. That's why. Porter recently lost a tooth and then had to have 5 extractions and he had his teeth cleaned at the same time. He did well. No problems. Right vet. That’s why.  Your brother Porter recently had some pain issues which turned out to be either a pulled muscle or pinched nerve. He also had an echo. It was good. There is no evidence of any heart trouble as in eating grain-free food.  After you passed, that vet tried to use that as an excuse because he knows what really happened.   Both of your brothers are very strong and healthy, and I know you would have been the strongest. You were never sick. You were full of muscle. No fat and extraordinarily strong. He killed you. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what happened. I will never get the truth. I know he will lie to the state as much as he can get away with it. I will see him in court anyway. He owes for tests that had no meaning.  He killed you and I will make his life miserable. If the state takes his side, I will appeal it and send it again and I will go to the Attorney General.  I will keep trying until I get justice. I will not give up. I do not give up. You mean too much to me. You were only 6. There is no reason. I think it was your fear and he kept you there knowing he only had to make a call for me to come get you. It was routine, not mandatory. There was no reason for you to stay there, petrified.  I hope someone there breaks the silence and tells the truth, as much as it will hurt. I need to hold this vet accountable for taking away my little leader. 

I am so sorry Parker.  I wish I had a time machine. I would go back and change everything.  I feel responsible. I know you forgive me. I think you do.  I wish I could hold you again. You and your kisses. Always kissing. Always lovable. Always playing.  It is not the same anymore. I am not the same.  

I will always love you forever.  Please stay close to my heart.  I do not know about messages and birds and those things.  But, please come to me in a dream so I can see you again and virtually hold you.

I miss you, my little baby.  Words cannot describe how hurt I feel inside.  

I LOVE YOU.

Love,
MOM

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

He needs a playmate. I do not know what to do. I do not want to replace you.  You cannot be replaced.

Getting another dog does NOT replace the one you lost.  What it does is enriches all of your lives.  I'm sorry you missed out on the one, but keep your eyes open, you will find one when you least expect it.  In no way does it replace your Parker.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas.  He is not Arlie.  I would give anything to have Arlie back but that is not an option availed to me.  I have fallen in love with little Kodie for who he is and what he brings to the table.  He is different enough that I can't possibly mistake him for Arlie, Arlie has a spot...a large portion in my heart that belongs only to him, for he created that place.  Kodie is sweet and loving, a small dog...Arlie was a huge dog that was my protector, a tremendous watch dog, goofy, fun, made up games to play, I will never have another Arlie and his loss is keenly felt.  Kodie was conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday, even his name was a miracle as it's the name that popped into my head when I first saw his picture. Unbeknownst to me, his breeder named him Kobie but when my son had the tag made, he accidentally typed in Kodie!  I was stunned to learn all this as it was all as it was meant to be it seemed.  I don't believe any of this was coincidence, it's as if God had to go to extra lengths to show me this puppy is meant to be mine.  I had not been looking for a puppy at my age!  I was looking for a rescue dog, but nothing was panning out.  This puppy is extremely rare and expensive, usually you have to be on a year's waiting list for a Klee Kai and they cost to up $3,500, out of my budget!  Usually you adopt them sight unseen, they fly them in from another state and you drive across the state to the airport and pick them up, never having met them or their parents.  This one was born two miles from my son's in Aumsville, a very small town outside of Salem, what's the odds of that!  He was advertised on FB for $800 and immediately drew 50 hits & the owner quickly removed the ad.  Took my son a week to get a response, the owner was overwhelmed.  He got the call at work and immediately left and picked him up and brought him to me, 2 1/2 hours away.  None of this was expected, I got the call from my son, told me to say yay or nay quickly as he'd be gone in an hour.  I said yes.  I'm glad I did.  He very well may have saved my life during this lockdown as I'm totally alone if not for him.  By then Kitty had died also.  She was 25.  My family of four (Miss Mocha left June 3, 2016) was now just me.  Sometimes Kodie hears/sees something at the patio door where down in the yard, Skye, Lucky, Kitty, and Arlie are buried and my husband's ashes are buried.  I don't see anyone there...but Kodie does.  Are they more alert to the spirit world?  I don't know, but it is a puzzle.  Makes me wonder, but I know Arlie loves me as much as I love him.  He knows he is not replaced.  So many things about him that I appreciated, those things are gone now and I miss him in their absence.  I have his coat still hanging on a chair by me...I hold it as it's the closest thing I have to holding him.  I can't imagine ever changing that.  His collar and leash still hang by the door, a tribute to him, no one else can use them.  He is my heart dog, my soulmate in a dog, he always will be.

http://www.pethealthnetwork.com/dog-health/end-life-support-grieving-dogs/new-pet-when-right-time

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I will keep trying until I get justice.

And I wish you the best with this, do keep us posted.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/04/pet-loss-grief-in-wake-of-dogs-wrongful.html

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My Sweet Little Parker,

I hope this poem is something you feel about me. I am always thinking of you and sometimes I feel you are here with me.  When I am in another room, I imagine you still here with your brothers and that it is just like it used to be. It hurts so much to know it really is not true. You really are gone, but it feels good to me, for a short while. 

I Love You so much, my little darling.
Love,
Mom

 

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh;
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground. 

At night while you are sleeping, I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie. 
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind. 

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore. 
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; 
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate. 

 - Author Unknown

 

[kayc]

Thank you for this more than you can know, today it's 15 years since my sweet husband died.  It seems a lifetime ago since he held me in his arms, since I was able to talk with him.  Sometimes it feels so far away like I dreamed him up.  I've read this poem before, it's a good reminder that he has never truly left...they live in our hearts.  I cry as I say this, but Arlie is starting to feel that way too, it's been so long since I've seen that beautiful smile spread across his face.  Since I've held him in my arms.  It almost feels like more than I can bear.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

My Wonderful Little Peanut,

I am missing you, my little one. I never stop missing you. Lately It has been more than before. I cannot believe how much time has passed, yet I do not miss a day without thinking of you.

It is still too painful for me to open the cabinet where you are, just ashes in a box. In the morning, on that day, you were your spunky self and a few hours later I got the worst call of my life that you were gone. Gone from a routine procedure. I could not process it. Everything I was told did not make sense. It was smoke and mirrors. Of course, the condition I was in after being shocked made me less likely to get to the details. I could not speak. All I could do was cry.  There were so many questions I had. I asked a few, but the answers I got were vague and some were not even answered. My healthy 6-year old, active, in shape, never sick little dog was supposed to be home with us that evening, Xmas Eve. Mr. Alpha Dog, you were to be in charge at home while we went out for Christmas Eve dinner, but that never happened. The state is taking a long time, maybe because of Covid-19, but no news is good news.

My sweet Peanut, I have not been able to go back on the treadmill since that day. I was on it while I was alone downstairs. I was on the treadmill when the call came in. I expected we would get the call very soon that you would be ready to come home. You came home, but in a black plastic bag. I never got to say goodbye, my precious one.

I am so deeply sorry Parker. It was never meant to be like this. You were to be the one to live the longest. Never sick. Never any minor problems. Always well, so very much alive, happy, playful, and our leader. 

I hope one day I can see you again. I keep hoping that it is a real possibility. This cannot be it, where it just ends. There must be more to this. Your mom will see you. I will give you the biggest hug and kiss. I know you will soak it all up, my little lovable sweetie pie.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Parker, I will see you again (I hope).  I am so sorry. I knew you should have stayed home. I allowed this to happen. You could be here with us now. Without you, our light has gone out.

Parker, please forgive me. I will make it up to you.  

I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU

Love,

Mom

XXXXXX 000000

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

Parker, please forgive me. I will make it up to you.

We will be together again.  This is not the end, this is our waiting period, a time we go by faith in our love, knowing even death cannot destroy it.  (((hugs)))

[DebbieGD]

On 5/26/2019 at 1:41 PM, Guilt_beyond_imagination said:

I somehow can't move forward. My young little dog passed away unexpectedly due to fatal mistake by a bad vet. I am riddled with guilt for letting him go there. This was a different vet we found out too late he was incompetent and killed my dog, just for a routine dental cleaning. Something that takes less than an hour. He did nothing right and everything wrong. My dog did not deserve this. It was voluntary and I regret sending him there. I grieve and cry every day. I don't now how to manage this. It's a big loss. He was the pack leader and such a wonderful friend to his 2 brothers. What do I do?  I am beside myself. He didn't need this done.  He was only 6 and very healthy.  He was a fearful dog. It's possible they kept him in fear against his will without calling me to alert me that he was frightened. It' only my 2 other dogs that keep me going.  Is there really a bridge?  I need some kind of hope. I am lost. I don't eat right. I'm down 17 lbs and haven't gained any back.  His passing is tearing me apart inside. I loved my little guy and I feel I failed him.  I had on word to say to prevent this fro happening. I could have said NO, that he was not coming in and I would have kept him home. He'd be here today instead of in a box in my closet which I still cannot open!!!

I'm so sorry, your hurt, and I know your anger I went through the same thing and a vet they kept her in fear. I just lost my baby girl bc I don't trust vets and I didn't want her going through anymore pain. I feel so guilty for letting her go. I'm torn up inside. I'm so try, the pain is unbearable, I don't eat sleeping is horrible and days are hell. I don't want to go on. I know the brothers are greiving, you all have my deepest sympathy.

[DebbieGD]

I killed her I didn't try hard enough im so guilty, we had such a hard life but I didn't try to save her, she had tumors and her diabetes skyrocketed to 700 over night but I didn't try to save her I should have the vets seemed so negative I look at this now why didn't I try I miss her so much I'm so afraid of how she thinks of me now does she love me I want to die and be with her. I didn't want her suffering but I should have tried I hate myself .