Passive suicide

[Gwenivere]

I googled......don’t want to live, don’t want to die.  Found lots of articles called passive suicide.  Very different than the definition os suicide with a plan and certain you want death.  I discovered that is where I live, Day after day.  Doing the routine things for routines sake.  

An aquaintance told me this weekend she had down days and she would forget to see the good things because she was trapped in the negative.  I tried looking at the perspective and realized she battles nothing that is precedents by our huge loss and all that comes from it. The worst she was dealing was her wife getting a new job so she wouldn’t see her much over the week.  No huge medical problems.  No loss of her ability to work from medical conditions.  So busy living a normal life.  Goals, partnership even if less now.  

These articles stress purpose and meaning.  All the typical things, join a church, take a walk in nature, volunteer, expand ways to be with people.  They don’t say how you do that when you are disabled by 4 medical conditions that feed on each other.  And in then it loops back in my mind to Steve. It always does and whoever here said........ I was killed and left alive.   

What was validating was this was very common.  People here tha word suicide and assume that is what we want.  It’s just stopping the pain and feeling like we mean something in this world again.  To someone 24/7.  Having someone you feel that way about.

Have no time to write more because I have a therapy appointment and have to express some anger to him for how he adds to that.  He’s a good therapist but won’t guve an inch in minutes unlike my counselor who will talk to me on the phone if needed.  Just wanted to share this definition that fits me as we are taught not the say the S word.  

[kayc]

Interesting, I'd coined that term when someone on another grief group just stopped taking care of herself and died.  It was  very hard for everyone to see what happened and none of us be able to stop it.  Her family was devastated.  For instance, she had fumes coming from her basement but didn't have it checked out.  Didn't care if she ate.  She wanted to die, and she did.  

I didn't know they'd already given the term "passive suicide" to this...but it makes sense because it differs from pulling a trigger, but it still has the same result.

You are so right, we do just want the pain to stop.  But there's two ways to do that, one can be stopping your life, the other can be learning to live again but that one sometimes is a struggle through the ups and downs.

[CairnLady]

Gwen,

I so agree about wanting/ needing that feeling that we mean something in this world.

I loath this prison from which I cannot escape that my existence has become. It is not a life. I am also isolated, alone, lonely, desperate and filled with dread each day. No family that gives a rat’s butt, no friends. 

The only real peace I get is when I can manage to sleep for a few hours each night.

If it weren’t for my 2 dogs, who I love with all my heart, and who love me, I doubt I would still be here.

[CairnLady]

Sometimes I become furious and hateful towards my husband for dying on me and leaving me to suffer this way. 

Then I become riddled with guilt for feeling that way.

[Gwenivere]

I used to get furious with Steve too.  Don’t feel guilt, that is totally normal. Like you, without the dogs I’m not sure I would still be here.

Then I realized it wasn’t him, it was the illness because he sure didn’t want to die and had so much to live for.  I’m so furious at it I won’t even discuss cancer.  Anything remotely related to it goes into the physical or mental trash bin.  I’m so cold about it I did not become a survivor advocate.  Steve participated in trials and that’s where it ends for me.  I make no donations and feel no guilt because it needs to be banished from my existence.  His half of our estate goes to research per his wishes.  That’s enough. 

Kay, I’d give anything to live again.  It’s kinda a Catch 22 for me.  On one hand my med probs hold me back, but only one of them can maybe be controlled.  The others are permanent and will worsen with age.  I see people that persevere despite thier maladies, but that is not me.  I’m a prisoner, especially to the oxygen.  I need some freedom.  Aches and pains would be OK, but this is serious stuff.  I’m supposed to do breathing routines 3 times a day also.  I’m tied to medicinal care that I can’t commit to anything anymore.  It’s affecting my volunteering be it the condition or another appointment to choose between.  I keep being called in to 'talk' about options.  I was getting used maybe twice a month but now it’s all the time and I’m sick of it.  The docs have time to make me hobble in, but they won’t pick up a phone.  My life is all that and counselors.  There’s no room for.......living.

 

 

[TomPB]

6 hours ago, CairnLady said:

Sometimes I become furious and hateful towards my husband for dying on me and leaving me to suffer this way. 

Then I become riddled with guilt for feeling that way.

Yes, I tell Susan she took the easy way out and left me in grief world. She says she didn't want to but had no choice. Then I think that I always tried to protect her and by going through this nightmare I'm sparing her from it. That's a little comforting.

[mittam99]

Gwen, it is a catch-22 in so many ways. I mean, I think most (if not all of us) know we're no longer living life to it's fullest. How could we? Our lives have been decimated. We're without that one person that completed us. So here we are, with little motivation, consumed by our grief, getting older by the moment, and clueless as to how to "reboot" our lives. In many ways it feels like we're royally screwed.

I wouldn't call that passive suicide, more like helpless and hopeless.

Everyday, I write notes (I have to because my memory sucks now) regarding my plans for the day. And virtually every time, few if any of those get accomplished. Maybe it's laziness but it feels more like a lack of oomph, motivation and desire. I know these are things I should be doing but my mind tends to wander back in time to a different and better life. A life that actually had meaning. It still hurts so bad knowing that my precious Tammy only had 45 years of life.

I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I just wish I had that magic formula to bring happiness back. Instead, it's a rinse, wash, repeat life of boredom with rare moments of satisfaction. But those moments are fleeting.

How do we emerge from all this with a true sense of optimism for our future?

[Gwenivere]

I do thecnote thing too, Mitch.  I manage to get it done.  What gets me is I have to write one now.  Find reasons to fill another.  As for optimism, that fled the building a long time ago.  Along with hope.  Purpose and meaning are just words on a page now.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kay, I’d give anything to live again.  It’s kinda a Catch 22 for me.  On one hand my med probs hold me back, but only one of them can maybe be controlled.  The others are permanent and will worsen with age.  I see people that persevere despite thier maladies, but that is not me.  I’m a prisoner, especially to the oxygen.  I need some freedom.  Aches and pains would be OK, but this is serious stuff.  I’m supposed to do breathing routines 3 times a day also.  I’m tied to medicinal care that I can’t commit to anything anymore.  It’s affecting my volunteering be it the condition or another appointment to choose between.  I keep being called in to 'talk' about options.  I was getting used maybe twice a month but now it’s all the time and I’m sick of it.  The docs have time to make me hobble in, but they won’t pick up a phone.  My life is all that and counselors.  There’s no room for.......living.

I know, Gwen.  With me, I struggle.  I've worked so hard at it, but at my age, it's getting harder.

 

19 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Instead, it's a rinse, wash, repeat life

Kind of like Groundhog's day.