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Living with Loss

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I'm so sorry, Kay ~ but i think you are wise to return this little guy before you become too attached. And with a heart as big as yours, I have to believe you will find another -- not perfect in an Arlie sort of way, but perfect for you in every other way. ❤️

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Right now I just want them to come get him, I would be scared to ride alone in a car with him.  One of my fingers looks like it needs medical attention.  Twice he has opened the front door from the outside, I don't know how.  I came home from church today and the house was cold because he managed to get out of the pen and into the house!
Last night about 10 we were all asleep and Jackson jumped up on Kitty, she came unglued!  There was some squalling ensued and he then jumped on me and trembled for hours.  I don't think he knew she was there as it was dark, but it must have terrified her!  I was scared to pick him up and move him for fear he'd attack again, so needless to say I had a sleepless night.  Will likely have another tonight.  There's no facility to take him to so I'm at their mercy.  The head said they'd shoot for Monday but the foster dad still hasn't called me.  I'' be relieved when it's over.  He's adorable, sweet, cuddly, playful, smart, but I don't want a dog that's vicious.  I couldn't have my grandkids around him and how would I give him a bath or attend to medical needs?  Nope...

I guess I've been lucky with all the dogs I've had before.

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This morning they picked him up after being here for two days...wouldn't let him take the stuffed monkey he loved, I didn't get to say goodbye. He was perfect in every way except for the biting. They didn't warn me he had this issue. I feel terrible, he was the sweetest little guy. 1f641.png  I've been bawling the last two hours.  Will not use this rescue again.

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On 10/20/2019 at 9:59 AM, MartyT said:

I'm so sorry, Kay ~ but i think you are wise to return this little guy before you become too attached. And with a heart as big as yours, I have to believe you will find another -- not perfect in an Arlie sort of way, but perfect for you in every other way. ❤️

I just saw this.  I told them to come get him Sat. but they didn't come until just now.  I love your message...I am in no hurry to try again, this was a hard experience...and I already am attached, I've been crying since they picked him up.  The thought I'll never see him again and he was perfect for my home except for the biting, such a sweet little boy.  It really angers me they wouldn't let him take the monkey I gave him, he loved it.  I didn't even get to say goodbye, they showed up early and I was planning on giving him one more walk.  I hope he's okay.  And I hope someone with experience with these situations rescues him, he deserves a good life, it's not his fault if he was abused. This morning I told him "no" when he got into my breakfast and he bared his teeth at me, my heart went out to him because I know he "strikes before being struck" and I told him, "Oh little boy, I'm not going to hurt you, not even if you bite me."  He has been made to be defensive, he's obviously abused, I wish they'd warned me.  I just made a doctor's appointment for my finger/s.

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the dog is Terrier and Schnauzer, 23 lbs.  He's sweet, cuddly, so adorable, super personality, housebroken sort of, extremely smart.  He never barked once, he can cry softly, he can growl.  He was perfect except the biting, and I think he has a history of abuse is why he is that way.  

Saturday night I was sleeping in my loveseat recliner and Jackson was in Arlie's recliner by the window.  The lights were off and all of a sudden I'm woke out of a dead sleep!  Jackson jumped up on the cat who was sleeping near me...he didn't know she was there as she wasn't when we went to sleep and turned the lights out.  A 25 year old cat getting woke up by a DOG jumping on them is quite a sight!  She became airborne, claws flashing wildly!  Jackson didn't realize WHAT happened, he was terrified out of his wits, as was the cat!  He jumped onto me and trembled the rest of the night (this happened at 10 pm so it was a long night).  I was scared to pick him up and move him next to me for fear he'd bite again so I kind of dozed off and on, not getting much sleep.

Sunday I went to church, came home and Jackson had pushed the skirting in on the house so he could have ample room to escape the pen he was in.  He then proceeded to open the front door (for the second time!) leaving it wide open so the house was cold when I got home.  Super smart little guy!  He's much more adorable than any picture can show because of his personality.

Yesterday the foster dad picked him up early so I didn't get to walk him or say goodbye.  The guy was angry with me for giving him up!  He wouldn't let Jackson take the monkey I'd given him, he loved shaking it.  I was so upset by how all this went down and was astonished how much I'd bonded with this little guy.  He was so sweet!  (when he wasn't biting)  I bawled for five hours.  

This morning I have an appointment to get my fingers checked, one is swollen and red and I just want to make sure there's no infection, although it doesn't appear infected, it may just be the overall trauma and bruising in addition to the lacerations.  This has all been such a hard experience, I'll never do business again with this company.

Jackson-1.jpg

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I totally love it!  Thank you for the smile, I needed it!

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I don't imagine I will ever get over this loss, Arlie was one of a kind, my special soulmate in a dog...now I've lost him and my George and neither one can be replaced, only remembered.  I look around and everything in this house is for him, his recliner and loveseat, his coat, his toys, his dishes, his brush, his fence, his pen, his doghouse.  Another dog may make use of some of these things someday (or maybe not), but they will always be his and carry with them his memory.  Everything was bought or built with him in mind, my baby, my companion, my entertainment, my protector.  Kitty couldn't have asked for a better dog.

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My little boy, I miss you so much, you were the highlight of my life, everything good!  I see you laying on the couch, smiling, then it fades, you're gone.  How can you be gone?!  I'm left with this pain in my heart.  I cry and there's no one but Kitty to hear me.  I wonder if she understands what's going on.

I'm taking a break from looking for a dog, it seems hopeless, none of them are you.  I always loved big dogs, I can't have one now, I'm getting older.  You were so quiet and yet you "talked" to me and we understood each other, your communication skills were far beyond any dog I've ever known, you had different tones, different sounds for different things.  You were ever smiling, that beautiful smile that stole my heart.  Even when your cancer was advanced and you didn't feel good, you still tried to smile.  I love you, sweet Arlie.  You were my walking partner, it wasn't just a walk, it was an experience!  You loved sniffing and peeing on everything along the way.  You took in all the sights, sounds and enjoyed seeing all life.  My schedule revolved around you.  I cooked for you, took care of you, came home eager to hear your squeal of delight at seeing me!  I loved your greeting, it was so exuberant, no one in my life has ever been so eager to see me, well perhaps my George, but then he always reminded me of a puppy waging its tail.  You delighted in food and I was eager to make you happy!  So much so that I had to put you on a diet, you lost 34 lbs to your goal weight.  I was so proud of you, if only I could make myself do that!  You knew just when I needed a kiss, you'd look at me thoughtfully and give me one, it meant the world to me.  We loved playing games, you laying on my bed, with your arms out straight, eyes serious, straight ahead, then I'd lay my arms out straight right next to yours, and you'd jump to the right, then I, then to the left, me too, then you'd take off running through the house, me right behind you.  We love playing chase through the house, around the middle wall, sometimes turning direction to fool the other, for the object of the game was to catch the other...sometimes you'd win, sometimes I would.  We'd laughingly be spent.  Now I have no one to play such games with.  I remember how you loved playing peek-a-boo with your head in the couch...you thought if your eyes were covered I couldn't see you...I'd ask. "Where's Arlie?"  and you'd grin, you thought you really pulled one over on me!  Then you'd pull your head out and look at me and grin and I'd exclaim, "There he is, peek-a-boo!"  and you'd be so proud of yourself!  Oh my sweet boy, you gave me the best time of my life, I love you with all of my heart.  

No, there'll never be another Arlie.  You are one of a kind, my sweet, funny, goofy boy, I love you with all of my heart.  You cannot just be gone, your spirit is too great to just die, you must be somewhere, wherever you are, I pray you are happy...until we meet again my sweet boy.

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I am beginning to see that this grief is going to be long term, there is no "getting over it."  I cry over him daily.  I think about that special spot in my backyard where he lays.  I don't know how I'll handle it when it is buried in snow and I can't visit his grave anymore.  :(

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I think it's extremely rare, if even possible, Kay, to ever completely "get over" the feeling of loss of someone hugely important to us. I'm sure you know you get through it, not over it. In most cases the daily crying does eventually abate, but can also be a split second away depending on the trigger, and how you're otherwise feeling at that moment. Or one still cries inside, in one's heart centre, even if not on the outside. That's how it is for me at any rate (and for some other people I've known) even after 19 and 13 years respectively, regarding my furbabies' physical deaths. And that is because they were/are THE most loving and loved ones of my life to date. It's not the same for my human losses anymore, as those relationships were nowhere near as 'pure,' amazing, or heavenly for me. So, no big surprise for me that it's been this way. 

No, you'll never know how you'll handle another upsetting change, until it happens. Even then, that can shift from one day to another. That's just the way it is - unpredictable.

One thing that helped me a bit in the winter was to always clear off the snow as much as possible on my kids' large stone markers when shoveling. Being adjacent to the patio's edge (I had thought ahead, wanting them as close to the house as possible), it was easy enough to do, and it bothered me to leave their grave sites indiscernible from their surroundings. (well, we also had to clear a path to one bird feeder beyond, regardless) I also had a solar light to each side, to light the immediate area. (using past tense here because we have since had them and their caskets cremated, so they're indoors with me now) And during the Christmas season, I'd put little fake trees in tall-ish, weighted metal vases on their spots (tall enough to still see at least the trees under most snowy conditions), along with safe LED candles to turn on in the evenings. This all helped me feel like I was still taking some care of my babies, as a continual act of love. Still, it took about 3 winters of doing this for each one, to not feel as upset whenever I'd look out through the patio door.

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I forgot to add that even now that their bodies are no longer there, I'm finding it still bothers me to have their stone markers covered in lots of snow, or garden debris, because those, too, became another important part of their story and history with me. And I also still find myself often avoiding even stepping on those stones (which had always been awkward, being an entry point to the lawn!), it became such an ingrained habit over the years. 

And I realize all of this was/is irrational anyway, since I always knew their spirits were no longer residing inside their bodies to animate them, but were in reality still divinely connected to me, and everything, well beyond any temporary physical vehicles or illusory limitations. Yet I kept it all up regardless, mainly because it just felt better to treat even their former bodies with the utmost respect and reverence, because of what even their bodies had meant to me, which was a massive LOT! But that's also just a part of our western culture, whereas some other cultures have vastly different and often healthier and more freeing views on all this. 

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We get too much snow at once to be able to clear it off...last February's storm we got 4'5" at once and it froze to 19 so there was no walking in it, no way into the back yard.  When that happens I will be unable to visit his grave.

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I'm a bit of a nerd and I track my electricity daily.  I have a spreadsheet with workbooks by month that shows when I cook, etc. and can compare it with my usage.  I turned to the November workbook to enter my usage and I saw the "cooking" marked for today...you see I cooked batches for my dog...it showed up that I was supposed to cook for him today.  My heart felt a stab of pain, as I would love nothing more than to cook for my Arlie.  Will the triggers never quit!

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Last night I dreamed I had a home invasion/burglary and  Arlie wasn't there to warn or protect me.  This is the first dream I've had in which Arlie was pointedly missing...dead...gone.  It's hard, it's in my subconscious now.  I hate that.

I am feeling vulnerable without him.  Today is three months.  I miss my little boy.

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This has been a really hard day...it started with me discovering some special treats I'd put away for Arlie and hadn't given to him.  Now I never can.  I've spent a fair share of time bawling today, my sister got to deal with it.  :(  Three months, Arlie, and I miss you more than I can say, you are my life and I love you so much!  I just want you home.

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