Somebody Tell Me How To Do This

[jimswife]

On May 27, 2019, my world changed forever. My husband of 7 years and partner of almost 12 years took his final breath. It all happened so fast. One minute he was with me and the next, he was gone. He had health issues, but none were terminal so this is a complete shock. I live in Florida, the place we came to start our new life, but that means I am away from all of my family. My church friends were great for the first week or so, but have stopped calling and returned to their lives (as they should).  I just have no idea how to even start to understand all of this, and yesterday I woke up with the whole day ahead of me and its just so looooong. I'm afraid I can't survive this....

[mittam99]

I lost my darling wife Tammy on March 6, 2015. She had many health conditions but had just come home from a long hospital stay and was in good spirits. I thought things were looking up for us. Less than two days after coming back home, she was gone. 

Believe me, I understand. It feels like the world you live in is completely different than it was just a few short weeks ago. Losing your soul mate affects every single aspect of your life. I made a topic here shortly after Tammy died called "Dealing with those moments". Those moments where you don't know if you can go on, or honestly, even want to.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8716-dealing-with-those-moments/

Many of the responses from members truly helped me and I hope will help you.

You're very early in what we call your "grief journey". The pain is unbearable at times, I know. The wouldas and couldas and shouldas play on your mind.  You've gone from knowing your place in this world to wondering if you even belong. This is the most difficult thing you'll ever go through.

So, how do we go on with life without that one person who was our everything? There's no simple answer and there is no right way or wrong way. You start by taking things a moment at a time. Then a few hours at a time and ultimately it's a one day at a time sort of existence. Don't think too far ahead. 

Early on in my grief, a member here told me something that really helped. He mentioned that even though Tammy was gone, she will always be a part of me. Heart and soul. In a way, having her love and essence inside me gave me some "oomph" to not just curl up in a ball and give up.

Right now you need to try your best to do the basics. Eat properly. Get your rest. Post here at the forum whenever you feel the need. We do understand and want to help. Consider seeing a grief counselor.

Wishing you only the best and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mitch

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, jimswife said:

On May 27, 2019, my world changed forever. My husband of 7 years and partner of almost 12 years took his final breath. It all happened so fast. One minute he was with me and the next, he was gone. He had health issues, but none were terminal so this is a complete shock. I live in Florida, the place we came to start our new life, but that means I am away from all of my family. My church friends were great for the first week or so, but have stopped calling and returned to their lives (as they should).  I just have no idea how to even start to understand all of this, and yesterday I woke up with the whole day ahead of me and its just so looooong. I'm afraid I can't survive this....

Jimswife,

Welcome to the group that no one wishes to belong to. I remember those early days so well. I had similar feeling and emotions.  Fortunately,  I found this safe haven where people understand, share, and care.  Mitch's advice is spot on.  I shared on here  to get the thoughts out of my head.  They are titled, "Shock and AWE"  because that was were I was for a long time.  These caring people, listen, cared and shared with me tips, articles, and compassion.  It is a safe place where these people truly understand.  I had trouble breathing, sleeping, eating, and just moving through the day.  Rest, forgive yourself, and do your best to eat and drink water. We are here for you. - George - Shalom (Peace)

[kayc]

jimswife,

I've been here 14 years.  I'm so glad I found this place.  I lost my husband Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  It was sudden, he was barely 51, still had his birthday banner up.

I have anxiety anyway and this sent it soaring.  I learned to stay in today and not think about the whole "rest of my life", beyond whatever planning needs to be done.  To think too far ahead brings anxiety.  You've found a good place here, people who get it.  I remember everything like it was yesterday, which it was...it feels both like yesterday and a million years ago since we had our life together, it feels surreal even still.  I couldn't see how the sun could go on shining!  All these people walking past me in the street, didn't they know the world had just ended?!

The post I shared with you in your other thread had the things I'd learned that were helpful.  I'm sure there's a lot I left out, but you will find ways to get through this.  We'll be there with you if you want us to.

[David s]

Sorry for your loss. It's been a little over a year for me and I am still learning that the initial loss is not the only hard part. But coming here has helped a lot, many caring people some with years of dealing and some like you who are just starting your journey. Hope you will do a lot of reading from other post and links provided here.

 

[jimswife]

Today was far worse than the others. Jim's daughter has decided to hire an attorney to fight me because she thinks I'm hiding assets. He has been unwell for several years and had many medical issues. None were terminal, so his death was still a shock, but the bills were substantial. I already offered her any things she might want from her father, but I'm not surprised the daughter who had only talked to her dad a handful of times in the past 5 years is the greedy one who just wants a payday. It hurt. I wanted to scream, but instead, I worked. 

[Kieron]

jimswife, I'm glad you started a thread.  And how fresh this experience is for you at 15 days.  I'm sorry you joined the club no one wants to join.  All this is complicated by the daughter's behavior, and I'm sorry to say there's one like this in just about every family; the story is as old as time. 

Meanwhile, for the loss itself, you deal with it any way you can, perhaps by working.  Sometimes routines like jobs insulate us a little with the sense of normality in a zone of un-reality that we know we must sometime face.  The shock is real, and so is the sinking feeling of loss, the pit in your gut, the litany of "if-only-this, if only that" also known as woulda-coulda-shoulda.  Been there, done that.  😖  Others have given you good advice for self-care. That is vital.  I hope you'll check in with us often.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through that on top of your loss.  Somethings are just too unbearable to understand.  I don't see how she can get anywhere but she can waste her time/money trying.  

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry. Families are complicated, and sadly enough, sometimes a death brings out the very worst in some of them. 

[jimswife]

Four weeks. 28 days. 672 hours. 40, 320 minutes..... However we say it, he's been gone that long. I was doing a little better last week, but today has me wrecked. I'm looking at a full week of no plans at all and a looooong weekend as I have Friday off work. I think the quiet is the hardest part. I've been part of a partnership since I was 18 years old. Not a day went by where I was a single woman. Now, I find I've neglected to make friends that are just mine. Our friends are just that "our friends." and they are not really interested in including me in couples activities. I don;t blame them, but now I guess I have to make some new ones and I've never had to do that. Any tips?

[Gwenivere]

Hopefully someone will have some suggestions as I am in the same predicament at over 4 years.  I know a few people, but so many have slipped away from his death and now my own disabilities coming into play as I age.  The worst is being alone.  No one that means the world to you and vice versa.  I volunteer as best I can, but it’s getting harder.  I’m 63 and people are pretty well settled in with their own family and friends.  Mine have slipped away one by one so I have so much time with no meaning or purpose now.  My dogs keep me on a routine or I would go crazy.  I see so much I just want tontell him about or wake up to that awful knowing it will be another day of this.  I’ve never been alone against my choice until this happened.  Most 'activities' are medical and I miss having upport.  I truly understand how you feel.  💔. A broken heart.

[kayc]

It's one of the hardest things I've ever attempted!  When we were young, making friends was so easy!  Now everyone seems to already have their niche and they're not open for more.  That and at my age I keep losing people, one of the hazards of being older.  I was always part of a couple before and that was different, you're right, people don't include singles in their coupledom.

I have my widowed friends, but most of them are 20+ years older than me, I have to do all the driving and activities are limited.  I go to the senior site & volunteer but find the same thing true there.  Our town doesn't have a gym so that's out.  I walk twice a day every day and have come to know my neighbors but I wouldn't call them close friends.  I do belong to a church and am active there so that's where most of my friendships have originated, am in some ladies groups, one once a week, two once a month.  I honestly wish I had some male friends to go hiking with, go for rides, etc. as women don't seem to want to do anything but shop and I don't do that.

My only suggestion is involve yourself in groups/organizations as time will allow, be friendly, show an interest in others, it'll take time but it should develop bit by bit.  And don't give up!

[MartyT]

I think the best way for anyone to have a friend is to be a friend ~ Still, at four weeks, you are very fresh in your grief, so you may not have the energy to "go out and make friends." You may find that being with others whose loss is similar to your own (such as those you would find in an in-person, face-to-face support group) is where you will feel most comfortable right now. See, for example, Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits?

Are you familiar with Soaring Spirits International? It's a wonderful organization with a number of programs and services for "anyone who has outlived the person with whom they’d planned to spend the rest of their life." 

From their Newly Widowed page:

There is a widowed community here at Soaring Spirits that can offer you understanding, friendship, inspiration, and encouragement as you learn to live without your person . . . Soaring Spirits is a safe place for you to begin the process of rebuilding. We won’t pretend this is easy, and we won’t put a timeline on your process. We will provide you with a huge group of people who are making their way through their own loss, and who are willing to walk beside you through yours. We will also assure you, as many times as needed, that a full and happy life is still possible for you. Really.

In an effort to provide those who are recently widowed with easy to access to the Soaring Spirits community, and reliable resources and support within the first six months of widowhood, we've created our Newly Widowed Packets.

These packets contain Soaring Spirits program information, a copy of our newly widowed checklist, and a collection of personal messages from one widowed person to another. Newly Widowed Packets are provided free of charge to any widowed person through the generosity of a fellow widow/widower or one of the many groups/organizations that support Soaring Spirits' programs. Each packet contains a dedication written by the packet donor.  Read on here >>>