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i miss her so much

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On June 5th, our family dog and my furry sister, Tiki, passed away. My mom called me in the morning and told me she wasn't doing good. She said she wanted to give me the option of coming over, but when I said I couldn't go, she agreed it was the right choice. I went to work and cried all day at my desk, because she wasn't gone, but I knew she would be soon. Every time my mom called, I could hear her panting in the background. I wish I could of gone and said goodbye to her, but I know I would have only worried her with my crying. Also, selfishly, I wanted my last memory to be with her on my birthday, just three days prior. She had gotten a big piece of my cake, like she always did for every birthday. She had a bad spell that morning, but she wasn't suffering from cancer or anything like that, but she was fourteen and a half years old. At five in the afternoon, my mom called, crying like i've never heard before, to tell me she passed.

I was thirteen when Tiki joined our family. She was a golden retriever, with beautiful fur and a white spot on her forehead the breeders told us would go away when she grew up. (It didn't; we joked about this a lot.) I can remember a time before her, but Tiki was with me through so many moves and life changes. My mom would call us her "two girls", and I loved being her sister. This is the first time I've ever lost and the first time I've ever grieved, and I know I'm lucky to have only experienced such a loss now, and a relatively "easy" one... according to so much of society, anyway. Even though I don't want to die, exactly, I sure wish I didn't exist so I couldn't be in such horrible pain.

Yesterday, I went to my parents house for the first time since she passed. I felt like I was dying every second I was there. I kept thinking I saw her in the corner of my eye, or could hear her panting on the back porch. I kept walking around the house, and it took me a minute to realize that was I was doing was looking for her, like she was just resting somewhere else. I feel like I'm lucky that my parents are moving this week, because they're moving overseas, so I won't have to be in that space for another three years. 

So far, I feel like every day is the same. I wake up kind of okay, go to work, and as the hours pass, I get more and more depressed. I come home and cry. So all I have to look forward to get me through the work day is more grief when I get home. My parents say I should honor her by remembering the happy memories, and I really am trying, but I feel like I'm tied to a rock plummeting to the bottom of the ocean. I didn't say goodbye, and I miss her so much. I'm trying not to lean on my parents as much moving forward, because they have enough on their plate trying to move in the next week, but I feel lost. I don't want a world without Tiki in it. She was calm and sweet and funny and fun, and she's ruined me for other dogs because she was absolutely perfect. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I was five when my parents let me pick out a dog, he was the runt of the litter, a small black lab.  By the time I left home, he was a family dog so I couldn't take him with me.  I was 20 when my mom called and said they put him to sleep.  I didn't get the benefit of a goodbye, I was shocked.  He didn't have anything majorly wrong, he was just old.

I do know how it feels to have your world ripped out from under you...right now my Golden Retriever/Husky has cancer and I will have to make that decision we all dread. The average life span of a Golden is 9 years, of a Husky, 10-12, so my Arlie, at 11, has already made it that long.  It doesn't ease my pain.  There is no good time for this.

I had a Golden Retriever for ten years and I know how wonderful they are, gentle, sweet, one of the nicest dogs that exist...it's very hard to lose them.

In time you will be able to remember the good times with a smile, but it may be quite some time before you're there...there's a whole lot of processing that goes into this grief, it doesn't magically happen overnight.  I encourage you to write out your thoughts, maybe recount your memories with Tiki, yes you will cry, but it also helps with the processing.  It's only been 6 days which isn't much time but if you continue feeling this way after months, you might want to seek out a grief counselor that specializes in pet loss.  Right now you're right where you can be expected, in a whole lot of pain, I don't know of a loss that can be much greater than this.  Our dogs are so accepting, loving, forgiving, they are the perfect being (to me) so very very hard to lose.

Sending you hugs!

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