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opaleyes

Just beginning to hurt.

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20 years married to the love of my life. I owe her everything. Nowhere start we met at a rock show not rock music but rocks minerals crystals I was selling and she was a patron across the way I saw her tots her hair over shoulder head flipped back I said to myself my God I hope she stops at my booth 30 minutes later she did and we hit it I fell in love from a hundred feet away when a woman tossed her hair over shoulder we were together 23 years total there was a four-month stretch we broke up my own stupid fault and after four months I couldn't stand it any longer you got back with her I beged her take me back and she did. We were married the following year at a rock show in spruce pine North Carolina July 28th. Things were beautiful for a while in about 2004 she started getting sick and it didn't get any better hashimoto's thyroiditis diabetes end problems with her systems. And this beautiful woman that I owe everything to and for starting to get sick by 2014 I'm now her caregiver live careers as artists began to suffer but I still saw the woman so sick is the beautiful woman that I fell in love with things progressed and got worse on the 4th of April I took her to the hospital and after fighting for 45 days ask the doctor disconnector I know this is going to sound really crazy and I was so guilty in the beginning but now thinking about it I realized something it was her time when we disconnected her it took 6 minutes my beautiful wife was sleeping peacefully without pain without hurt just sleeping peacefully I kissed you the last time and brought the doctors in it finally was over at least you were feeling no pain now now mine begins I thought that we had done okay and I thought that I had steeled myself against what I knew was going to happen but there can be no stealing yourself against this against the total utter emptiness it fills my chest that sucks the color from sunlight and it doesn't allow me to sleep or rest comfortable and I know I have to turn this around I know that my job isn't done yet I'm supposed to do one more thing and help somebody somehow I'm trying to be strong for you I'm trying to do what is right I need to find out how to empty this pain and I know I can't I also know but yes there is a way anyone has any info on how to slow it down how to ease it please in park because I need to keep on living not just in the past but in the future 2 there is something I have yet to do I once heard someone say that there is a simple test to determine whether or not your purpose in life has been fulfilled if you're here it hasn't I guess her purpose have been fulfilled and maybe that was to save me for something else.

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2 hours ago, opaleyes said:

there can be no stealing yourself against this against the total utter emptiness

No, there is no preparing ourselves for what comes.  I am so sorry you are left alone, missing her.  I too had a horrid time sleeping when my husband died, it'll be 14 years Father's Day, June 19 it was that year.  

For me, the hardest day of my life was the day he died.  The days/weeks/months following weren't much better...it took me about three years to process it, after that, what I was left with is what there was.  It took me years more to find purpose and more years yet to build a life I could do.  Nothing is the same as "before" though.  There's not a day gone by but what I think of him and he is always in my heart.

All of our timelines will be unique, as unique as we are.  We handle grief differently and yet there will be similarities too.  I think it's up to us to find what there is for us in life, it can take a while.  Try to be very patient and understanding of yourself.  Right now you're still trying to take it all in, and it's a lot.  Pay attention to self-care, it's very important.  That person that cared about you most in the world isn't able to do it anymore so that leaves it to you to take care of yourself.

I wrote this at about ten months out, the things I found of value that I'd learned along the way, I hope you'll print it out and read it every few months or so, what strikes you now will be different later on, right now it's hard to even think.  We'll be here for you if you want us to, just keep coming her and reading/posting.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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9 hours ago, opaleyes said:

20 years married to the love of my life. I owe her everything. Nowhere start we met at a rock show not rock music but rocks minerals crystals I was selling and she was a patron across the way I saw her tots her hair over shoulder head flipped back I said to myself my God I hope she stops at my booth 30 minutes later she did and we hit it I fell in love from a hundred feet away when a woman tossed her hair over shoulder we were together 23 years total there was a four-month stretch we broke up my own stupid fault and after four months I couldn't stand it any longer you got back with her I beged her take me back and she did. We were married the following year at a rock show in spruce pine North Carolina July 28th. Things were beautiful for a while in about 2004 she started getting sick and it didn't get any better hashimoto's thyroiditis diabetes end problems with her systems. And this beautiful woman that I owe everything to and for starting to get sick by 2014 I'm now her caregiver live careers as artists began to suffer but I still saw the woman so sick is the beautiful woman that I fell in love with things progressed and got worse on the 4th of April I took her to the hospital and after fighting for 45 days ask the doctor disconnector I know this is going to sound really crazy and I was so guilty in the beginning but now thinking about it I realized something it was her time when we disconnected her it took 6 minutes my beautiful wife was sleeping peacefully without pain without hurt just sleeping peacefully I kissed you the last time and brought the doctors in it finally was over at least you were feeling no pain now now mine begins I thought that we had done okay and I thought that I had steeled myself against what I knew was going to happen but there can be no stealing yourself against this against the total utter emptiness it fills my chest that sucks the color from sunlight and it doesn't allow me to sleep or rest comfortable and I know I have to turn this around I know that my job isn't done yet I'm supposed to do one more thing and help somebody somehow I'm trying to be strong for you I'm trying to do what is right I need to find out how to empty this pain and I know I can't I also know but yes there is a way anyone has any info on how to slow it down how to ease it please in park because I need to keep on living not just in the past but in the future 2 there is something I have yet to do I once heard someone say that there is a simple test to determine whether or not your purpose in life has been fulfilled if you're here it hasn't I guess her purpose have been fulfilled and maybe that was to save me for something else.

Opaleyes,

I truly empathize with your pain and grief.  My wife died from complications of Type 2 diabetes but it was a complete unexpected then. I was my wife's caregiver for the last six years of her life.  It felt like half of me died with her.  I was in Shock and Awe for a long time. I had trouble sleeping, eating, even breathing at times.  I found this wonderful group four years ago, and I have learned so much. I can not think too far ahead.  And you are correct in saying that each day we are here we need to choose to life.  Initially,  I had to do things that i didn't feel like doing (like sleep) but understood it is necessary.  The people her know, care, and understand this side of grief because we have survived the death of beloved spouse.  MartyT, and many other here  have wonderful resources, and love to help.  First you will need to care for yourself.  It takes energy to adapt to this life on the other side of deep love.  It really help me to express my thoughts and feeling as I was dealing with this grief. ...praying... Peace

 

 

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