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Ralph23

Not Sure What The Future Holds

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Hello,

Things changed for me this morning, my girlfriend of 2-3 years text me this morning asking for a chat. I knew something was coming, a punch in my stomach it felt like. She asked for a "break" (whatever that means) and didn't want to talk for at least 2 months. Telling me that right now she needs to focus on herself and get through the waves of euphoria of being in a new place and the lows of grief. She wants to just be alone and that she is seeking counselling through her new job. She also mentioned that she can't fulfil the needs and requirements to uphold her part of the relationship and doesn't want to feel any pressure. (Very similar to the other stories on here). 

I can imagine that I'm also that anchor which is drawing her back into some of that grief and in some ways she associates some feelings towards me with the death of her mum. As I've been there through it all. 

Now before I go any further, its probably best to give you a background of our relationship and the last six months.

We went to the same secondary school together and through university kept in contact, however with each of us travelling independently, we never got together. After university things changed and we got together, going travelling together, holidays etc. With a lot of our old school friends being the same it was easy and it has been easy ever since we got together. About six months ago, things changed in our relationship.

My girlfriends mum shortly passed away after New Year, no warning, no cancer, nothing. The results came back inconclusive, bad luck and just a random stopping of the heart. Her mum was fit and well and exercised daily.

I was the one to break the news to my girlfriend that her mum had passed, she was at work at the time and her dad had no way of reaching her, so I did my best. To make things worse I was also the one to let her brother know, who lives abroad. This was six months ago, and over the last six months, I've tried my best to do everything I can. From being there, to giving her space, to just listening. I'm no means a counsellor or have any idea of what grief does to people (other than what I read in books), but I tried my best. It's been a struggle for my girlfriend, she was very close to her mum and over the last six months has clung to her large support network to get her through these tough times. By no means do I think she is over the grief and if anything I think it's only just beginning.

Now about a month ago my girlfriend moved to a different country, with a large time difference between our countries the communication has slowed down a bit (especially in the last week, as she has got settled) and I also wanted to give her space to get settled and enjoy her new surroundings/job etc. It was always our plan for me to move out there to join her after finishing some contract work up here.

Obviously things drastically changed this morning. I know space is exactly what she needs and she needs to figure these things out on her own. So I'm giving her the space and as upsetting as it maybe this could be the end of our relationship. I think being away and in a different country is almost a bit of an escapism, the closing of one chapter and the starting of a new. Maybe I'm that last line of the page.

Am I afraid that she'll find someone else? I guess so, like I said I think she associates some of me with her grief and there are no pre connotations with anyone else she meets.

I plan to work on myself for the next 2 months, start new hobbies, reach out to old friends and in two months see where we are. Whether or not I'll still move out there who knows. I can't waste the next months of my life holding out for any crumbs that come my way or live my life in limbo. I still love her dearly and probably always will.

What I'm feeling now is I'm sure only a fraction of what she's been going through for the last 6 months.

For now I'm taking things one day at a time. I'm just a 25 year old wondering through life trying to make sense of it all.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, encouragement or advice. I'm all ears.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

 

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Giving space is one thing.  Taking a break in a relationship means you're broken up, you've been let down easy but like you said you can't wait around for crumbs to fall.  You are tackling it right, staying busy, getting involved in things.  So hard, I know, been there.

Grief can be complicated, it has a beginning, but no ending, but it does evolve, little by little.  I hope she gets grief counseling but that's up to her.

One day at a time is the best...it's about all we can handle anyway.

Right now you're grieving a relationship and all of your feelings are valid, even when at odds with each other.  They pretty much run the gamut.

So sorry you find yourself in this situation.

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Thanks for your reply @kayc. Yeah Im coming to terms with it being over. There is still parts of me that doesn't think it is, but I'm only hours in.

Who knows what the future holds. Who would have though a 3 year relationship is over via the phone.

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Mine ended via Fed Ex at my office no less, although I don't think there is a good way to do it, there are certainly bad ways.

You're not very far out from it, it takes time to process.  You seem to understand what you need to do so at least you're ahead of many of us there.

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Hey Ralph,

You sound like you're aware of how you are feeling and your next course of action regarding how to go forward. As Kayc said, grief is complicated. It does odd things to people. My ex ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly 3.5 years ago, we had been dating almost 2 years by then. I was your age at the time, I am 27 now. At first he said he didn't want to break up, then went silent on me for 3 months before trying to reconcile. It was confusing, heartbreaking and hurtful.

You are going about this appropriately, with being on a "break," now is the time to focus on yourself and try to move forward with your life regardless of her presence (not move on, just forward). It is really hard at first, but will settle with time and you will gain clarity as time goes on.

Read the post by Vandal, he is/was in the same head space as you as far as being aware of his feelings and what he needs to do after his ex broke up with him.

--Rae :)

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