Pulling myself out of the quicksand

[mittam99]

For a few months now, my grief journey has been stuck in a place where everything seems awful. And I'm not talking about the angst and sadness of losing Tammy or the ache of missing her. Those are givens in our lives without our beloved. This is a new, deeply intense feeling that life is on the downward slide. A place where hope seems to have vanished and the future looks bleak and dismal.

After Tammy died, it felt like life was futile and that I had little that was worth living for. But, in time, I started to push myself. I got back into a regular exercise routine, lost a bunch of weight and was generally feeling physically well. I saw hope on the horizon that maybe just maybe, with Tammy's love in my heart for always, I might just find some purpose in life.

Fast forward to a few months ago. A customer of mine who was basically my age, suddenly passed away. And it hit me hard. I think a good portion of that was that it got me thinking about my own mortality. Combine that with my own 64th birthday a month later and what would have been Tammy's 50th this month. I sort of started to get into my own head that my life was over.

And in recent months the physical aches and pains are snowballing. Maybe it's those years of playing sports catching up to me (bad knees, bad shoulder etc.) or maybe I'm just old. And I'm looking older. The hair is getting grayer and grayer. Anyway, all of this was getting to me. I stopped watching what I was eating. Started half-assing my exercising. Slacked off on the house chores. It was like I was giving up to an extent.

But, here's the thing. I don't want to give up. And I know a lot of what I'm feeling is my own doing. In this terrible life of grief, you have to keep moving. It's way too easy to just stagnate. And my key is to move. Far too often, I come home from work, eat something and spend the rest of the day/night in bed. It's a very unhealthy (physically and emotionally) way to live.

I'm determined to start eating better again and to exercise and to not just lay around in bed. I've just been in a very bad place and was letting my grief swallow me up. 

I'm not a quitter and I'm not letting grief or my own negative inner thoughts beat me. I'm getting that glimmer of hope back and I'm ready to get things back on track.

- Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch,. I am sure glad you are not giving up!  We all care about you and need you.  I have been in your place since Al died  many times and I sure felt like throwing in the towel.  I will be 80 in a few weeks and can not see anything hopeful on the horizon.    We are not quitters and will plod on the best we can.  I hope we all find glimmers of joy now and again.  I go to the health club at least 4 times a week, but my heart is not in it.  Hang in there, Mitch.  We are rooting for you.  It sure is a hard road we are on, but we will make it.   You are making good decisions.  Eat better, exercise and do not lay around very much.  Be around people who are uplifting as much as possible.  I am alone way too much, but don't seem to be able to do much about it.  Keep in touch and know we all care so much about you.    Gin

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

....Fast forward to a few months ago. A customer of mine who was basically my age, suddenly passed away. And it hit me hard. I think a good portion of that was that it got me thinking about my own mortality. Combine that with my own 64th birthday a month later and what would have been Tammy's 50th this month. I sort of started to get into my own head that my life was over.

And in recent months the physical aches and pains are snowballing. Maybe it's those years of playing sports catching up to me (bad knees, bad shoulder etc.) or maybe I'm just old. And I'm looking older. The hair is getting grayer and grayer. Anyway, all of this was getting to me. I stopped watching what I was eating. Started half-assing my exercising. Slacked off on the house chores. It was like I was giving up to an extent.

But, here's the thing. I don't want to give up. And I know a lot of what I'm feeling is my own doing. In this terrible life of grief, you have to keep moving. It's way too easy to just stagnate. And my key is to move. Far too often, I come home from work, eat something and spend the rest of the day/night in bed. It's a very unhealthy (physically and emotionally) way to live.

I'm determined to start eating better again and to exercise and to not just lay around in bed. I've just been in a very bad place and was letting my grief swallow me up. 

I'm not a quitter and I'm not letting grief or my own negative inner thoughts beat me. I'm getting that glimmer of hope back and I'm ready to get things back on track.

- Mitch

Mitch,

We both experienced the sudden death, loss, and grief at about the same time.  I also turned 64 in May. 

My father died 10 days ago. I am the oldest surviving member in my family. My relationship with my sister (one year younger) is stressed and non-existent.  I was removed from Dad's will because he didn't think I had a family since Rose Anne and I didn't have any children.  So basically, I am already an orphan.  I have been dealing with this for the past couple of years. It hurts but there is nothing I can do about it but to just let it go.

Two and a half years ago, a childhood dream was rekindled, and I wanted to learn to fly and get my private pilots license.  Despite huge obstacles ( morbid obesity, old age, and no money to pay for lessons). Despite that, I started to lose weight and then stalled. I could have easily given up yet my passion and desire to fly is bigger than the obstacles I face.

With much research, I discovered the ROOT CAUSE of my obesity and that I am Insulin Resistant (pre Diabetic).  That floored me because no doctor ever told me and this is what Rose Anne died from. 

I share all of this to encourage you to fight... Choose life.  All of us who are still here are here for a purpose. i do know that...

FEELINGS are not always facts. Yet, when examined they will lead us to TRUTH.

 I have come to realize that certain foods also effect my mood, thoughts, and emotions.  I have not been making the healthiest fod choices the last few days and my health shows it.

I joined the gym six months ago to improve my health through weight resistance training and HIIT cardio. Two words that were not in my vocabulary last year. 

I still have not been able to start flying lessons yet... another health setback.  Discouraged but I will not give up my dream.  Also, I am able to help other people with IR and Type 2 Diabetes that want to know the ROOT CAUSE and how to heal their body. 

Mitch, I know you  have much skills and talents.  Please search your heart for projects, people, places, events,etc...  that encourage you and uplift you. I will be praying and interceding for you to find your purpose, passion, and thrive each day.  Let go of your setback and strive to push forward one step at a time. - George -  Peace

[shebert56]

Mitch, just wanted to send some love to you.  

 

11 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I'm not a quitter and I'm not letting grief or my own negative inner thoughts beat me. I'm getting that glimmer of hope back and I'm ready to get things back on track.

Good for you.  You hang on to that glimmer, take a deep breath, and move forward with it.  We'll be here to cheer you on.

Hugs, ~Shirley

 

[Kieron]

I hear you, Mitch.  Since you talk of movement and moving, I thought I would share a bit of my experience. 

A year ago, last June and July, I think was the lowest point for me at 18 months into this journey.  I went to work with a mask on, and came home, took off the mask and did nothing but sit and stare at the unmaintained yard (I forced myself to mow the grass, take out the trash etc, but did minimal housework.  I figured no one would care since no one comes over except for two friends who got me through the memorial service and I owe them more than I can ever repay), or else spent way too much time online, took too many naps/slept too much, or listened to sad music and wandered around aimlessly inside this place, like what the Buddhists call "a hungry ghost."  But like you I sensed I was on a bad path, and steered myself away from it.  Last September, I started taking taijiquan (better known as T'ai chi chuan) offered by a local group of teachers that have been at it for 40+ years.  By now I am 1/3 of the way through the sequence of movements, and it has truly become a near-daily routine.  And I don't even have to do the entire series of movements.  I can work on a section where I know I am weak or where I developed a bad habit with an incorrect movement.  Above all, it reminds me to relax the shoulders, relax the arms, notice my breath, notice where tension is stored, notice whether I am moving fluidly, slowly, gracefully, etc.  Two weeks ago, the instructor (who is in her 70's) recognized me in the group as having reached intermediate level about 2 weeks ago, and one of the class members who is about 75 (I think), pointed out she noticed how my posture and movement have smoothed out over time, become more graceful and relaxed, so I must be doing something right.  My point is, I chose to move, and intentionally moving creates movement, which is crucial or else we stagnate.

And then coincidentally (ha!) I found a book in a free library, "The Theft of the Spirit" by Carl Hammerschlag, MD.   In it, there's the story about the secret to life: sneakers.  He encountered an old woman at the NYC Metropolitan Museum of Art, dressed in her Sunday best, but strangely, wearing sneakers.  She tells him they are the secret to life.  Puzzled, he asked her why sneakers are the secret to life.  She replied, "You can't wear them without moving. They're just not comfortable if you're standing still."  In other words, you have to keep moving to stay comfortable.  I think I am finding this out first hand.  I am not a quitter either, although it takes me a while to get going but once I do, I keep at it.  😊

 

[kayc]

Mitch,

I'm sorry you've been feeling as you have but I don't think that's uncommon in grief...I find it's a battle I fight continually as I struggle to stay up in spirit and in my life.  But a battle worth fighting nonetheless.  This winter hit me hard.  I'm not immortal, the older I get I'm finding limitations, but I also push to do the most/best I can with it.  I looked at a picture of myself when I was ten years younger the other day (I would have been nearly 57 then)...I looked 40.  Fast forward to a picture taken four years ago...I look my age.  My hair has greyed, I've put on some weight, I'm older looking.  Some tell me I don't look my age but I think I do.  How can one person change so much in six year's span?

But I have to cast that aside, I am the age I am and all I can do is my best.  I keep walking.  Kieron, I love your story: 

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

wearing sneakers.  She tells him they are the secret to life.  Puzzled, he asked her why sneakers are the secret to life.  She replied, "You can't wear them without moving. They're just not comfortable if you're standing still."

In reading Tachi's last comment (loss of mother) about living to create, not for posterity but for himself, I find that another key.  For too long I've stifled that part of me, I recently returned to it and need to continue.  We have to look for and make what is good in our lives.  It's not necessarily easy or quick, but everything we do to stride towards that helps.  Like George with his pilot dream.  Keep going!  I'm not a gardener, it's just never been my love to be out working in the dirt but many of you do love it, so pursue it!  Or maybe it's your love of cooking or working on your place.  Maybe you don't see the point sometimes, but the point is for YOU!

[Johnny]

Mitch,

I've had a particular difficult time lately as well. I've managed to take care of things on the surface but I've noticed that the interests that used to drive me forward each day are non-existent.

I do things because I know they need doing but very little beyond that. I never used to be this way. I would always laugh about a challenge at work and actually look forward to seeing it through no matter how difficult. Now, I find that I am hoping for an easier way.

I have started to wonder if I've been giving up a little at a time. I know in truth that the things I am avoiding will have to be done eventually. It is negative thinking at work i my head. I am 52 and I feel like my life is over. Like the best part of my life is behind me and life will be a dull laborious struggle from now until the end. I can feel it pulling me down.

This week was hard because July 23rd was the anniversary of the day I went down on one knee and proposed to Rene'e. I spent the day at my Mother's and we had a nice steak dinner together. She gave me a hug and told me she loved me. When I get to feeling too much pain I need to remember I have people who love me. It helped me get through the day but it was hard for me to not tell her about the one year anniversary of my happiest day, the day my wife said she would have me.

My family members still need me to be alright and my dogs need me as well. I know this is a much tougher life I have now and I need to get moving too. I just wish I could find that old fight within me and follow my own advice I gave to Rene'e. Once, I told her before, when she was discouraged, that all she had to do was "find one thing in life you really love and hold on to it no matter what."

What I didn't tell her at the time was that for me, she was my one thing.

I love you baby.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so glad you started this discussion, Mitch.  I had a whole reply written and it vanished.  ARG!  I’m glad to read you are pulling out a bit from the quicksand.  I know how hard it has been for you with your love for Tammy.  This gave me the springboard to my feeling the opposite still.  

Johnny, I could have written your post myself, sans the being in my knee.  I’m a decade ahead in age going into my 5th year without Steve.  Your path will be your own, but I know in my heart I’ll never feel complete again without him.  Everything I do is with half of me missing.  There is no laughter or conversation in our house anymore.  The dogs demand routine and I provide, but I’ve stopped interacting as I did with them.  Age is taking its toll early for me beyond normal aches and pains.  People have faded away for one reason or another. My volunteering has becoming difficult from extreme pain.  All the simple things I/we did have become chores and energy vampires.  I wanted to grow old with him.  Gripe about it together.  Play 'remember when' with him.  I wanted the one person in the world I truly mattered to and vice versa.  It’s so empty now.  No more fun in shopping for new things to try or to stock up in sales.  I loved running this house and how he would take on the repairs.  Partners all have systems so fine tuned.  I’ll never look out the window watching him BBQ or nudge him to stop snoring.  I read some people’s accounts at finding some meaning.  Most is family or religion which I don’t have.  I’ll always live with 'skin hunger' for his touch.  I’ll never feel safe again if something happened to me.  A medic alert pendant just doesn’t cut it emotionally.  I miss our bad times too as we always learned from them and ultimately grew even closer.  We learned how to communicate instead of argue.  How to hear each other.  

so everyday is a struggle, a fight for reason to keep going.  Rhetorically, going towards what?  More loneliness and no new memories.  The novel still exists in me, but the the heroine has lost her hero.  And the story suffers for it.  It’s as boring to read as to write.  I’m still in love.  It’s horrible to be that alone.  This was the ultimate breakup I never knew existed.  The world carries on and I watch from the sidelines.  A ghost of who I was.  I thought I would change the title to How Do You Keep Living When You’re Already Dead?  

I am so grateful for this haven to say how I really feel.  Outsiders can only try and imagine this and they couldn’t come close.

[mittam99]

To Gwen and everyone else...

For me, one of the hardest aspects of grief is the growing number of physical aches, pains and ailments that seem to have overtaken my life. In my head, I'm still that strong 20 year old, but when I walk up the steps or look in the mirror, reality hits home.

It's not just the growing old or the aches and pains or the formerly salt and pepper hair that's now that's almost entirely salt. It's that I'm growing old alone. And it's growing old in a way that just wasn't meant to be. Me and Tammy were supposed to grow old together. Laughing at life's newfound aches and pains all the while sharing our immense love. Supporting each other. Holding each other. An unbreakable team 'til the end of time.

The emptiness and silence of life without Tammy seems to be more unbearable as I get older. I try to push and try to put a positive spin on things. Then the newest twinge of pain shows up (or something else manifests itself) hammering home the fact that my life isn't getting better.

When you've lived your life with that one person that you "can't live without", you realize after they're gone that those three words aren't just cliche. We pretty much are existing and attempting to cope, but living? Not so much.

If only we could turn back the hands of time. In lieu of that, all we can do is try our best to deal with the cards we were given. If only life had one of these...

Unfortunately, nothing seems to come easy in this new world without our beloved. It feels like our best is in the rear view mirror and happiness is just a memory or something that only happens to others.

Yet, having said all that and realistically seeing the glass is fairly empty, I still maintain some hope. There's still the possibility that this "existing" will turn into something more than just 24/7 of monotony and anguish. And I think that power exists with us. No one else is going to make our lives better or more meaningful. It's what we chose to do and our outlook that will hopefully transform our grief journey into something with purpose and even contentment. 

- Mitch

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Johnny said:

Once, I told her before, when she was discouraged, that all she had to do was "find one thing in life you really love and hold on to it no matter what."

What I didn't tell her at the time was that for me, she was my one thing.

52, you're 52.  I was 52 when George died, that feels like a million years ago.  14 years of living alone, growing older.  I barely recognize that person in the mirror.  The one thing that has kept me going, the one thing in life I love and hold onto these past 10 1/2 years is my Arlie and now I'm losing him too.  I'm scared to be without him.  What do I hold onto then?  How do you live life when there's nothing to grasp onto anymore?

Mitch, your thoughts are mine...nope, nothing about this is easy.  You'd think, having made it through that first year and the second, it'd get easier from then on out, but I haven't found the easier part yet.  There were times I thought I was doing okay, but getting older and older, those times are becoming more elusive.  I don't mean to be morose, but damn, this isn't for wusses!

[Gwenivere]

Heard back from Cookie.  Told her she was missed.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Mitch, I hope things have improved for you and that your diet and exercise are helping.

I wish this for all of us who have been despairing. ♥️

 

[Johnny]

KayC said "52, you're 52.  I was 52 when George died, that feels like a million years ago.  14 years of living alone, growing older.  I barely recognize that person in the mirror.  The one thing that has kept me going, the one thing in life I love and hold onto these past 10 1/2 years is my Arlie and now I'm losing him too.  I'm scared to be without him.  What do I hold onto then?  How do you live life when there's nothing to grasp onto anymore?"

KayC is right, how do you live life when there's nothing to grasp onto anymore?

I could not imagine going back to living alone again after having someone so special to share my life with. Rene'e told me I didn't have to live alone anymore. I used to give thanks everyday that I had her by my side. She was my world and all that I ever wanted.

I think she knows how much I have been hurting since she has been gone.

I was talking to my Mom today on the phone and I reminded her of how big a thrill Rene'e got out of talking to her each day on Facebook. My Mom just broke down and started to cry. I imagined that, through my Mom's crying, Rene'e was trying to tell me how sad she was that I have been hurting.

Rene'e made me want to hold on and fight for the life I always wanted; a loving wife to be by my side in our happy home together. 

I don't know how to not hurt. I can feel myself slipping without her; losing my grip on life and that really scares me. How do you keep living when you feel as if your life is already over? How do you keep fighting when it seems there is nothing left to fight for. I never imagined life this way. Everyone needs to believe that there is always hope. It is so very difficult to live if you are not able to imagine that life is still worth living.

I have been hurting even more lately because my dear little boy "Strider", a 73 lb Bull Terrier, had what appeared to be blood in his urine. Took him to the Vet with a sample of his urine and the vet confirmed that he did indeed have blood in his urine. She prescribed him some antibiotics and we are hoping that it is just a Urinary Track Infection and the antibiotics clear it up with time; if not, he will have to have x-rays to try to find out what is going on.

[Gwenivere]

Johnny, I do hope Strider just has an infection.  I know how scary it is to worry about our fur babies.  Going thru that myself.

i often feel I am dead already inside.  It’s a natural reaction to such a huge loss.  One loss that cannot be fixed.  That is the hardest part.  So much goes wrong around me and I can usually figure out a solution.  Not this time.  I hate the silence and energy that only love lost can make.  Steve gave me a HOPE pocket medallion and made me promise to always carry it.  I have for almost 9 years.  When I changejeans I see it and wonder why now.  It made sense thru his cancer.  Now, I’m just keeping a promise as I always did.  It’s sad in its irony.

[kayc]

Johnny, Do keep us posted on Strider's condition, I'm hoping with you that it's a UTI that the antibiotics clear up.  Are you starting him on Probios to make up for the antibiotics?  They do their job but sure mess up our systems!

Hope...the hope I have is that I will be with him again.  Beyond that, not a lot of hope for this life, just little rays of sunshine now and then, I hang on to what I get and that has to suffice.  Still trying to stay in today...

[mittam99]

18 hours ago, Johnny said:

I don't know how to not hurt. I can feel myself slipping without her; losing my grip on life and that really scares me. How do you keep living when you feel as if your life is already over? How do you keep fighting when it seems there is nothing left to fight for. I never imagined life this way. Everyone needs to believe that there is always hope. It is so very difficult to live if you are not able to imagine that life is still worth living.

I have been hurting even more lately because my dear little boy "Strider", a 73 lb Bull Terrier, had what appeared to be blood in his urine. Took him to the Vet with a sample of his urine and the vet confirmed that he did indeed have blood in his urine. She prescribed him some antibiotics and we are hoping that it is just a Urinary Track Infection and the antibiotics clear it up with time; if not, he will have to have x-rays to try to find out what is going on.

"How do you keep living when you feel as if your life is already over?"

Johnny, that's the biggest question of this "life" without our soul mate. Just like you I waited my whole life to find that special person to share it with. And when Tammy and I found each other, we knew it was right. She was everything to me and we truly were two peas in a pod and a perfect team. Our love had no boundaries and it always felt like it was Mitch and Tammy against the world.

She struggled mightily with health issues but had such strength and grace and maintained her sense of humor. She was the most special person in the world. And when she died less than two days after coming home from another life and death medical ordeal, my world and my existence was shattered.

The question of keeping "living" is more a question of staying motivated when there's little to motivate you. Just remember that your wife will always exist inside your heart and soul. Sometimes I lay in bed and reach my hand out to Tammy's side and imagine I'm back in time and Tammy can feel my touch. I still tell her I love her as I leave for work. Am I in denial that she's gone? No I'm not. But you do what works for you and gives you some sense of comfort.

Hold on to that hope that you will be reunited at some point and in some form. None of us really knows the answers not only to this existence but to what is yet to come.

"How do you keep fighting when it seems there is nothing left to fight for."

Tammy always told me I was special. And I'm sure your Rene'e felt the same way about you. So, when you ask what is there left to fight for, the answer is "YOU". You are a worthwhile person who deserves a good life. Start with the basics. Eat right. Exercise. Do what you want to do not what others say you should do. I know it feels like you have no purpose and that's challenging. Four years after Tammy's death, that's where I am too. But, I'm not giving up because I don't quit and I know Tammy wouldn't be happy if I did.

This grieving life is never going to be easy but life is a precious gift and maintaining a sense of hope is a good and positive place to start.

Speaking of hope, here's hoping Strider is on the mend quickly.

Mitch

[widow'15]

20 hours ago, Johnny said:

I don't know how to not hurt. I can feel myself slipping without her; losing my grip on life and that really scares me. How do you keep living when you feel as if your life is already over? How do you keep fighting when it seems there is nothing left to fight for. I never imagined life this way. Everyone needs to believe that there is always hope. It is so very difficult to live if you are not able to imagine that life is still worth living.

I have been hurting even more lately because my dear little boy "Strider", a 73 lb Bull Terrier, had what appeared to be blood in his urine. Took him to the Vet with a sample of his urine and the vet confirmed that he did indeed have blood in his urine.

Johnny:  Am keeping you and Strider in my thoughts and prayers.  You sound like a truly good Doggie Parent to have noticed his illness. 

After four years of searching for a meaningful life after the loss of my dear husband I still have the days you describe "when it seems there is nothing left to fight for".  But, like you I have a dear fur baby, two adult children and two grandchildren that if I were to give up, I would disappoint.  And more importantly, my husband would not want me to give up.  Your Rene'e would want you to live for both of you.

Keep having HOPE as Mitch says. 

Dee

[Johnny]

Thank you Gwen, KayC, Mitch, and Dee.

I really needed the encouraging words right about now. Rene'e loved our two fur babies. When I think that something might happen to Strider or Arwen I just start to break down. They are all I have at home. I will stay strong for them because I know they need me and I need them.

One of my favorite pictures was of Rene'e hugging Strider in the bed next to her on Thanksgiving morning. Strider was not supposed to be allowed on the bed but she couldn't resist letting him stay because he is such a huge love bug. I can still see the smile she had on her face as she hugged him tight.

[Johnny]

KayC,

Do Probios help dogs when they have to take antibiotics?

[kayc]

Probios is for dogs what probiotics are to us...it helps restore our system.  Yes I would definitely take it on antibiotics, but then I take it daily regardless.  Antibiotics can really mess you up...sometimes they're necessary but often the "cure" hurts us worse than the original affliction!  Not saying don't take antibiotics, they are sometimes necessary, but just as important to follow up with the digestive issues they bring on.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Johnny said:

One of my favorite pictures was of Rene'e hugging Strider in the bed next to her on Thanksgiving morning. Strider was not supposed to be allowed on the bed but she couldn't resist letting him stay because he is such a huge love bug. I can still see the smile she had on her face as she hugged him tight.

I love that!  When all is said and done, it is love that makes life worthwhile...the love we had with our partner, the love we have with our furbabies.  Just going to work everyday isn't enough, we need to, we need to function, but we need more than that too.  Reading Mitch's post, I am reminded that we keep the love with our partners alive long after they're gone, and knowing that love continues to exist keeps us going.  I have George's love in my heart and I know wherever he is, it's still real for him too.  Not even death could destroy our love.