Lost

[KylaB]

Hi everyone, I’m a new user. For the past week or more I’ve been looking at everyone’s stories and I am finally deciding to share mine.

In September of 2017 I started dating who I thought was the love of my life. Everything was great for us in the beginning. We did have our fair share of issues but got through them together. We were best friends and lovers. It was like a fairytale honestly. We were both deeply in love and he told me how much he loved and cherished me everyday. But, in April 2019 our friend committed suicide. This friend was his bestfriend, however. During the early stages after our friend’s suicide I noticed things that I thought were normal, such as my boyfriend sleeping for majority of the day and not showing a lot of enthusiasm as normal. But, I didn’t seem to notice the distance growing in our relationship until about a month or so later. I felt like he didn’t feel the same about me and I voiced this to him several times. He told me that that wasn’t the case and that he was spending much more time with his friends lately because of our friends’ death. I tried to be understanding but now as I reflect I think I may have been too hard on him. I was used to being with him everyday and spending time that once that stopped happening like I wanted, I became selfish. I can admit that we were very attached and I was not used to him spending a lot of time with his friends. 

There were many occasions where he did things that made me feel left out. For instance, we would make plans but his friends would call and then we’d have to alter our plans or he’d leave me hanging. Each time something like this happened, I got upset and told him how I felt. Towards the end (of our relationship) he started dismissing my feelings and telling me that he’s adjusting to this new way of life (although sometimes he’d do it in such a nonchalant way, almost like “Look, this is how things are so just get used to it”.) Fast forward to this month, June. I could feel the connection weakening: we were arguing most days. We got into a heated argument a couple days before I left for vacation and things turned physical on my part. We talked about it the next day face to face and I promised to never let my emotions get the best of me now matter how he acted, and we ended on a good note. Then, I left on vacay and we got into a small “argument” (wasn’t even as much as an argument) and he said we needed space. It crushed me. I reacted really badly, crying hysterically and begging him not to do this. He acted nonchalantly again. He said this is the best for us right now, that it wouldn’t be fair to me to keep going through this same cycle of him promising me that things would get better but him making the same mistakes. But that he also said he couldn’t put a time stamp on this “break”. I texted/called him for about 2-3 days after this simply begging/crying/getting angry at this decision. I felt that we should have mutually agreed on this and that I should have been given more details on how things would be during this break. Our conversations after this weren’t so good and he acted very cold to me like I’d done something. I tried calling him about 4 days ago only to find out he blocked me. Also, his friends and i were in a group chat and one of his friends removed me from the chat. He also told me he deleted my accounts from his phone. So, I stooped to the lowest level and messaged him on social media. The message reads:  “i’m not sure why u blocked me, i’m sorry if i did anything to hurt u. i want to be here for u and am trying to respect ur wishes. but u don’t have to erase me out of ur life, i just want to know ur okay. days without talking isn’t like us... just please let me know everything is ok.” He responded “I’m not i’m just getting myself together”. I said “okay. i am here for u. do whatever u need to do for urself. i love u.” he responded “i love u too”. That has been our last communication. As I look back on our conversations after reading this forum, i realize that i may have pushed him beyond his emotional limits. for a time he put up with this “nagging” that i did, but then it seemed he grew tired. I really hope this is not the end but I am preparing myself for the fact that it may be. I’m confused because it started as “space” but then he blocks me from calling/texting. He said he’d check in on me but now thats impossible unless he plans on doing that through social media which I doubt (plus it’s been 4 days). I will see him in 2 days at our deceased friend’s son’s first birthday party. i am unsure of what to say (if anything at all) when i see him. if him or his friends try to act like i’m invisible it may cause me to emotionally relapse, and i don’t want to do that because i’ve been making slight progress. for this past week and some change I’ve been slowly picking myself back up, figuring out how my life was before he was in it. he is still the first thing on my mind when i wake up and go to sleep. this is all so hard, especially now knowing that he may never come back. I’ve been trying NC for 8 days (although i did break it that one time). I’ve heard nothing from him although he posts. I don’t want to hold on to hope because it’s dangerous, but I cant help it. it’s hard to believe that he can just throw our entire relationship away so easily. 

Please, if anyone can offer advice if they have been through anything similar please do.

Thanks

[Rae1991]

9 hours ago, KylaB said:

We got into a heated argument a couple days before I left for vacation and things turned physical on my part. We talked about it the next day face to face and I promised to never let my emotions get the best of me now matter how he acted, and we ended on a good note. Then, I left on vacay and we got into a small “argument” (wasn’t even as much as an argument) and he said we needed space.

Hi Kyla, I am sorry you find yourself here, but you are not alone.

First off, I am going to address this part here: Physical altercations are NEVER the answer. I understand that you are/were upset, but I do think that therapy may be the best route to understand why in such anger you acted out physically. I am not judging you, simply saying you need to talk to someone about this.

9 hours ago, KylaB said:

In September of 2017 I started dating who I thought was the love of my life. Everything was great for us in the beginning. We did have our fair share of issues but got through them together. We were best friends and lovers. It was like a fairytale honestly. We were both deeply in love and he told me how much he loved and cherished me everyday. But, in April 2019 our friend committed suicide. This friend was his bestfriend, however. During the early stages after our friend’s suicide I noticed things that I thought were normal, such as my boyfriend sleeping for majority of the day and not showing a lot of enthusiasm as normal. But, I didn’t seem to notice the distance growing in our relationship until about a month or so later. I felt like he didn’t feel the same about me and I voiced this to him several times. He told me that that wasn’t the case and that he was spending much more time with his friends lately because of our friends’ death. I tried to be understanding but now as I reflect I think I may have been too hard on him. I was used to being with him everyday and spending time that once that stopped happening like I wanted, I became selfish. I can admit that we were very attached and I was not used to him spending a lot of time with his friends. 

There were many occasions where he did things that made me feel left out. For instance, we would make plans but his friends would call and then we’d have to alter our plans or he’d leave me hanging. Each time something like this happened, I got upset and told him how I felt. Towards the end (of our relationship) he started dismissing my feelings and telling me that he’s adjusting to this new way of life (although sometimes he’d do it in such a nonchalant way, almost like “Look, this is how things are so just get used to it”.) Fast forward to this month, June. I could feel the connection weakening: we were arguing most days. We got into a heated argument a couple days before I left for vacation and things turned physical on my part. We talked about it the next day face to face and I promised to never let my emotions get the best of me now matter how he acted, and we ended on a good note. Then, I left on vacay and we got into a small “argument” (wasn’t even as much as an argument) and he said we needed space. It crushed me. I reacted really badly, crying hysterically and begging him not to do this. He acted nonchalantly again. He said this is the best for us right now, that it wouldn’t be fair to me to keep going through this same cycle of him promising me that things would get better but him making the same mistakes. But that he also said he couldn’t put a time stamp on this “break”. I texted/called him for about 2-3 days after this simply begging/crying/getting angry at this decision. I felt that we should have mutually agreed on this and that I should have been given more details on how things would be during this break. Our conversations after this weren’t so good and he acted very cold to me like I’d done something. I tried calling him about 4 days ago only to find out he blocked me. Also, his friends and i were in a group chat and one of his friends removed me from the chat. He also told me he deleted my accounts from his phone. So, I stooped to the lowest level and messaged him on social media. The message reads:  “i’m not sure why u blocked me, i’m sorry if i did anything to hurt u. i want to be here for u and am trying to respect ur wishes. but u don’t have to erase me out of ur life, i just want to know ur okay. days without talking isn’t like us... just please let me know everything is ok.” He responded “I’m not i’m just getting myself together”. I said “okay. i am here for u. do whatever u need to do for urself. i love u.” he responded “i love u too”. That has been our last communication. As I look back on our conversations after reading this forum, i realize that i may have pushed him beyond his emotional limits. for a time he put up with this “nagging” that i did, but then it seemed he grew tired. I really hope this is not the end but I am preparing myself for the fact that it may be. I’m confused because it started as “space” but then he blocks me from calling/texting. He said he’d check in on me but now thats impossible unless he plans on doing that through social media which I doubt (plus it’s been 4 days). I will see him in 2 days at our deceased friend’s son’s first birthday party. i am unsure of what to say (if anything at all) when i see him. if him or his friends try to act like i’m invisible it may cause me to emotionally relapse, and i don’t want to do that because i’ve been making slight progress. for this past week and some change I’ve been slowly picking myself back up, figuring out how my life was before he was in it. he is still the first thing on my mind when i wake up and go to sleep. this is all so hard, especially now knowing that he may never come back. I’ve been trying NC for 8 days (although i did break it that one time). I’ve heard nothing from him although he posts. I don’t want to hold on to hope because it’s dangerous, but I cant help it. it’s hard to believe that he can just throw our entire relationship away so easily. 

I understand how your ex feels. My best friend of ten years killed himself in 2011, 9 months prior to that my grandfather had died, and it was devastating for me, as I wasn't even 21 yet and had a bag full of emotional problems. My boyfriend of over 5 years, Joe, was kind and caring as much as he possibly could be. I layed in bed all day, dropped out of school for the semester and almost quit my job. I became very depressed and sunk into a hole that made everything in my life far less important, including my relationship. Joe and I were living together at the time so he tried his best to maintain and understand that I just needed time, but it was devastating for him too because he felt like I was abandoning him, and in a way, he was right. After about 4 months of outbursts, misplaced anger, sleeping all day and just general malaise, Joe told me that if I don't seek therapy we're breaking off the engagement. It wasn't healthy for either of us and it was damaging to our relationship, and he was right to do that. At first I was angry and thought he just didn't understand what I was going through, but after a few therapy sessions, my feelings started to settle out and I got better the more I opened up in therapy.

There is no "one size fits all" piece of advice for these situations, everyone's emotions are different and everyone will get through this their own way and on their own time. You can't rush it. Stop making his feelings of grief about yourself, they don't have anything to do with you. Your feelings are valid, but so are his and you need to respect his decision and feelings. Does it suck? Of course it does, no one ever wants to be made to feel this way, but it happens. As hard as it is to do, don't take it personally. He already told you that he needs time to sort himself out and get it together, you can't put a time limit on it. So as it stands, you need to let it be and go back to your own life. Even if he does "get it together," he may not come back to your relationship, as grief changes people and they re-evaluate their lives and feelings as time goes on. Grief does not go away, but it changes over time.

I understand that you felt like he was neglecting and abandoning you, because Joe felt that way too. However, you already answered your own question when you said you may have pushed him to his emotional limit. Your outbursts of emotion, while completely valid, pushed him away and had the opposite effect you intended. He is right, it sounds like you do need a break as he was neglecting your relationship, and in his distance you grew inpatient and tried to force his hand to do what you wanted. Your continued calling/texting/contact will only push him away further and he will continue to resent you for it, he has broken up with you, stop contacting him and go back to focusing on your life. I know it's hard, as I have been on both sides of the spectrum, once the griever who almost ruined her relationship, and then the dumpee of a grieving person.

You have to learn to accept that he may not come back, and yes it is hard and sad. You will go through a whole range of emotions as you work your way back to neutral and learn to be without him again. But I do hope you find the lessons in this experience and learn from them. Don't wait around on him either, as they don't expect us to, and you shouldn't anyways because it isn't fair to you. Talk to a therapist, and feel free to continue sharing on this forum. We are not going to sugarcoat things, just give honest answers from experience.

--Rae 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, KylaB said:

almost like “Look, this is how things are so just get used to it”.

I can imagine how dismissive that sounded and felt.  Your feelings were and are valid!  Your response to him is also normal.  You haven't done anything wrong in expressing yourself to him, it's just that right now he's not able to handle it, he's stressed with the grieving.  That doesn't mean you should change how YOU feel about it!  You are naturally grieving the changes in your relationship, as can be expected.  Look, you could be the most perfect person in the world that would only respond perfect answers to him and STILL it would not be enough, because the growing dissatisfaction is something within HIM, not because of you!  It is his grief.  Yeah, it's not "perfect" to make demands on someone when they're already stressed from grieving, we all get that a little too late, but don't blame yourself either, this would be going this way regardless of how you were to him.  He needs space.  And it's highly likely nothing will ever be the same again.  If you read through each and every thread in this section, there are hundreds, you'll see a pattern, and I think only one "couple" here came through this intact.  

I hope you will focus on YOU while he is focusing on his grief, and that you'll spend times with your family and friends, do things helpful and encouraging to YOU, take a class, join a gym, visit your grandmother, have a girls night out, but don't put all your time/effort/focus on him.  

26 minutes ago, Rae1991 said:

Don't wait around on him either, as they don't expect us to, and you shouldn't anyways because it isn't fair to you.

I want to double underline that!

Been there, done that.  When my fiance was caregiving his mom 24/7, I wasn't allowed to visit him (she didn't want to meet me) and his mom didn't have anything definitive wrong with her, she was just failing to thrive, I knew it could be a month , a year, two, and I didn't see how our relationship could survive being on back burner and not seeing each other that long.  I tried to reason with him.  Results?  He broke up with me by Fed Ex, delivered to my office, no less!  It was 9:30 in the morning, so I had the whole day to go at work, crying, got asked to leave.  Horrible!  No discussion.  I was blindsided.  We'd been engaged for a year!  Gone, done, over, just like that.  I dropped all his stuff off at his place the next day with his roommate.  We resumed as friends months later but it was a totally different relationship, never again a "couple", no dreams for the future, only accepting each other "as is" in this different capacity.  It happens, more often than you might think.  A certain number of grievers can't handle doing a relationship while grieving...we are the fall out.  But in the end I think things worked out for the best, after all, if I were to have a life partner, I'd want it to be someone that would go through thick and thin with me, someone we could be there for each other.  Do you want any less for yourself?  We can't change other people, only accept them as is.  If they aren't right for us, as is, best not to put our hopes and dreams in them!

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how hard it is, how painful.  I cried for months, but then one day I decided I wasn't losing any more tears over him!  And I haven't, except when I almost lost him to CHF, but that was different, that was in the cherished capacity as a friend, not someone who broke my heart.

[kayc]

I hadn't noticed the part where you got physical...that does put things in a different light.  If anyone got physical with me, I'd be out of there, gone, done!  That's an iron-clad boundary and you broke it.  I agree with Rae that therapy would be best to help you understand yourself better and how to be going forward.  Never allow yourself to cross that boundary again.  Work on anger management, learning you can't control someone else.  My mom was like that, she never did learn but we had to learn to set boundaries with her and stick to them.  It causes others to not be able to be all they can be with you if you get physical with them.  I hope you understand this.  Not trying to judge you or be harsh, just hoping you'll wake up to a reality that's true.

We'll be here for you going forward, you can express yourself, we'll listen.  

[kayc]

44 minutes ago, Rae1991 said:

Stop making his feelings of grief about yourself, they don't have anything to do with you. Your feelings are valid, but so are his and you need to respect his decision and feelings.

 

[KylaB]

Thanks everyone for your responses and for being honest with me.

I do agree that I need to work on my anger. I felt horribly afterwards that I acted in that way because I had never done that to him before. I definitely shouldn’t have done that. He told me that if the shoe was on the other foot, a man hitting a woman, it would have went very differently and that I would have left him. Quite frankly, he told no lies. 

These days are so long and draining. For majority of the day he’s all I can think about and it hurts that I can’t even pick up the phone to call him like I normally would.  I think about all the ways I went about this situation wrong and even things I’ve done in this relationship that were wrong... and although you all say it’s nothing I could have done to fix this... I can’t help but disagree. But it is hard to hear your partner needs space after 2 years of being in such a deeply connected relationship. And it’s funny how things come full circle... because a few months ago I asked him for a break to try to “find myself” but he pleaded with me and I felt horribly so I decided to stay with him. I’m trying not to be so hard on myself but I don’t think it’s possible right now. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, and very much my first real relationship.

Thanks again... I’ll return for an update if anything does in fact change. For now, I’ll be trying to maintain and stay out of his way.

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, KylaB said:

Thanks everyone for your responses and for being honest with me.

I do agree that I need to work on my anger. I felt horribly afterwards that I acted in that way because I had never done that to him before. I definitely shouldn’t have done that. He told me that if the shoe was on the other foot, a man hitting a woman, it would have went very differently and that I would have left him. Quite frankly, he told no lies. 

As you said, he's right. You need to work on that. As it goes with the saying, "if they do it once, they'll do it again." Same applies to you. Until you deal with your anger, figure out why you behave like this and work on yourself, you are prone to behaving this way in the future.

2 hours ago, KylaB said:

 These days are so long and draining. For majority of the day he’s all I can think about and it hurts that I can’t even pick up the phone to call him like I normally would.  I think about all the ways I went about this situation wrong and even things I’ve done in this relationship that were wrong... and although you all say it’s nothing I could have done to fix this... I can’t help but disagree.

See here's the thing I think you're missing in our message: His grief has nothing to do with you and you couldn't have done anything differently to prevent his reaction. However, your actions such as getting physical and demanding/begging he stay could very well have led him to his decision. Physical violence of any kind is and should be an absolute deal breaker for everyone. Begging/demanding when he pulls away is going to make people run. Think of that like a rubber band, the more slack you allow (the tighter you squeeze and draw yourself closer to him forcibly), the more opportunity he has to pull the rubber band farther from you in another direction (run away and either cut it loose or snap back into your direction). If you both add resistance (go back to your life and let him be him), at some point one of these things will happen: either you will come back together as the resistance on the band will eventually snap you into one another, or one/both of you will sever the band and end the relationship for good. Bad analogy but you get it. Sidenote: You cannot make a person stay who does not want to stay. If he wants to leave, let him. And if you want to leave, leave. As it stands, he has effectively broken up with you. If he chooses to make amends in the future, that is a choice you will both have to make, but i'd advise against just running back to him and acting like nothing is wrong.

2 hours ago, KylaB said:

And it’s funny how things come full circle... because a few months ago I asked him for a break to try to “find myself” but he pleaded with me and I felt horribly so I decided to stay with him. I’m trying not to be so hard on myself but I don’t think it’s possible right now. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, and very much my first real relationship.

This should have been the first clue that maybe you aren't right for one another, as I am sure there were others. It sounds like both of you have some things you need to work on and that in a way, your relationship was based out of desperation, neediness and insecurity that each of you may not even be aware you had. You can still love one another deeply and not be right for one another. My ex Tim and I loved one another to pieces and had a future together, but we were fundamentally incompatible, and many of these things I didn't see or want to see until he left me after his father died and I had no choice but to admit that I ignored the red flags. Love makes you do that.

Begging/demanding is degrading, it shows desperation and that you don't respect yourself. Never beg someone to be with you. Same goes for him too.

It will take time to move forward, it doesn't happen overnight.

--Rae 

[kayc]

I couldn't agree more, Rae!

And Kyla, you may disagree with us but if you go back and read each and every post in Loss of Love section, you will see what we are saying is true, statistics don't lie, they tell a story.  Rae is so right, his grief has nothing to do with you.  Your violence and cajoling could have impacted his decision for breaking it off, but even if you had not done that, this is about him and what he's going through and it's highly likely you'd have found yourself in same outcome.  A certain number of people cannot do a relationship at the same time as their grief.  I would have been willing to grant space to my ex-fiance, but we'll never know what the outcome would have been as I wasn't afforded that option or discussion.  But it's also realistic to realize that relationships suffer from prolonged breaks/space, nothing stays stagnant or the same.  Whatever we're doing either helps or hurts it.  But stop trying to make this about you, it's not!  I'm afraid he's gone for good and it'll be important for you to face reality...false hopes doing nothing for you.

Have you talked this over with your family/friends?  What are they telling you?

[KylaB]

I just thought I’d update/seek some more advice. It’s been about 3 months since my ex left me, and since then things were tension filled between us, although we severed all ties of direct communication during the breakup. Yesterday I got the text I’ve been long anticipating... but by this time around Im just not sure if I feel completely the same. For months he left me in the blind and acted cold towards me, and I was left to just wonder why the hell he was acting this way to me. So now he’s back... saying he loves me, wishes we could start over, using what happened to our friend as the reason why he did what he did to me... etc. People are telling me don’t be so quick to let him back in and I agree... but part of me does wish things could be the same but I just have a feeling they won’t be. And i’m not sure I trust him anymore enough to give him my heart... I don’t know what to do.

[kayc]

Kyla,

I am afraid you'd be in for more of the same if something happened...the thing about life is, things WILL happen, it's when, not if.  Maybe consider being friends and see how that goes?  And don't be quick to try to go back to how things were...you are right, things HAVE changed, something of this nature changes things so that they AREN'T the same again.  And you wouldn't want everything "the same" or you'd have the same results with you going through this pain again.  Be protective of yourself...

Is he willing to get therapy/counseling?  He needs to understand what happened and why in order to ensure it won't again.

[themermaidgoddess]

On 9/13/2019 at 9:31 AM, KylaB said:

I just thought I’d update/seek some more advice. It’s been about 3 months since my ex left me, and since then things were tension filled between us, although we severed all ties of direct communication during the breakup. Yesterday I got the text I’ve been long anticipating... but by this time around Im just not sure if I feel completely the same. For months he left me in the blind and acted cold towards me, and I was left to just wonder why the hell he was acting this way to me. So now he’s back... saying he loves me, wishes we could start over, using what happened to our friend as the reason why he did what he did to me... etc. People are telling me don’t be so quick to let him back in and I agree... but part of me does wish things could be the same but I just have a feeling they won’t be. And i’m not sure I trust him anymore enough to give him my heart... I don’t know what to do.

It's not fair he treated you like that, I say you let him understand that he put you through that pain. Cause things can't go back to the start. No matter how hard you wish they could. Trust your gut.

Grief sucks but that does not mean that you should hurt the person you love.

Maybe you guys could talk it out in a counseling session?

[kayc]

Actions speak louder than words, I would keep in mind how he responded and make your decision accordingly.  I went through something similar.  After he broke up with me, we had no contact for a few months and then when he resumed contact, he was yanking me around emotionally, and I put a guard around my heart.  He didn't know what he wanted, he was all over the place.  The thing you have to keep in mind is, he has shown you what his response is likely to be.