Boyfriend broke up abruptly due to loss of close one

[VelvetBlue]

My boyfriend who just recently experienced a loss of a close one broke up with me over text. Our relationship was perfect for us and he told me that before the traumatic event he never considered breaking up with me. He just told me that he was unsure about everything in his life right now and it wasn't my fault at all. He said he didn't like how final breaking up sounded but he stuck with it.

I still can't help but feel lost when I think about how detached he was and how final the decision seemed. He mentioned that I'm still beautiful, amazing and all that but he just can't treat me the same way anymore, it is unfair to me and that he wishes things could have ended differently. It really sounded like he had a rational mind though I would like to hope that his grief has made him react this way.

I reached out to him after NC. I had wanted to tell him in person how I felt and apologise for making it even more difficult for him during his time of grief but I just ended up sending it through text. I told him that I forgave him, apologised for making it difficult, that I was doing okay, pointed out perhaps why he didn't want to keep our relationship, told him that I loved him not just being in a relationship and asked him to consider giving it another go.

The reply was quick, he didn't even take time to consider even though I asked him to. (I understand it might have been too early but I wanted to move on.) He said that I was a good person and he was glad that I was doing better, he felt more at ease because he was guilty for hurting me but he doesn't think he's ready to try again or if he ever will be. He said life is complicated and his situation has changed and he doesn't see us together anymore and wants me to move on.

I already expected such a reply but seeing it still hurt. Just realising that he is able to second guess everything in his life except our relationship hurt. Apparently for him I just wasn't good enough. I said I wished the best for him and all the happiness in the world and respected his decision. I did not beg or overreact. I told him that I can not be friends with him and am currently in NC.

I never could outright tell him that he hurt me incredibly. He was essentially putting me through the loss of a loved one as well. However, I sacrificed my feelings so he could feel better in such hard times. Realising that he is taking my love for granted is helping me move on. Yet I can't help but wonder if he will regret because though I truly want him to be happy, I still want him to realise that he has let someone go that really would have never left him.

I also feel incredibly bad as I feel like I'm abandoning him in these hard times but I've told him I will not contact him anymore and I plan to stick to that. I feel like I was too quick and selfish to ask him to give it another go. Perhaps he saw it as me being shallow but I needed closure and I wanted to relieve his guilt and pain even a little. I never told him how much I worried that he was hurting and how sorry I was for his situation because he wouldn't want me to worry as it would pressure him more and he doesn't like feeling weak. Also I just didn't want to bring up the loss of his close one. I thought it would be better to leave him completely but I wonder if it was the wrong choice. I maybe should have stayed for him and encouraged him during these hard times and not pushed him to consider trying again. I feel like I've ruined everything. Yet at the same time, I see that he is taking me for granted. I am constantly cycling through not wanting him back but also feeling as though he will come back. It hurts that I have to be the 'bigger person', and the uncertainty of whether what I did was right or if I was too selfish is eating away at me slowly.

Sorry that the writing is not amazing. Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate any advice and support!

[Rae1991]

Hi Velvet, I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. 

These situations are never easy to deal with, especially when you did nothing wrong, and this death and the grief that follows has blindsided both of you in different ways.

My ex, Tim acted the same way as yours has. Immediately following the death of his father, he stopped contacting me. We had been together over a year by then. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother did. A week went by before I heard from him, we talked in person, and he said he didn't want to break up, he just needed some time and that he loved me, it wasn't about me, thanked me for understanding and he'd contact me in a few days. A few days turned into 3 months. A month went by, I concluded our relationship was over and began to move forward. Two months later he contacts me begging to reconcile, and because I still loved him and was deeply confused myself, I agreed even though my gut told me not to. We lasted another 3 months before he ghosted me again and I had no choice but to walk away, even more confused and heartbroken than the first time. I would advise you don't make the same mistake I did if it comes to be that way in your situation.

On 7/2/2019 at 3:50 AM, VelvetBlue said:

I never could outright tell him that he hurt me incredibly. He was essentially putting me through the loss of a loved one as well. However, I sacrificed my feelings so he could feel better in such hard times. Realising that he is taking my love for granted is helping me move on. Yet I can't help but wonder if he will regret because though I truly want him to be happy, I still want him to realise that he has let someone go that really would have never left him.

I also feel incredibly bad as I feel like I'm abandoning him in these hard times but I've told him I will not contact him anymore and I plan to stick to that. I feel like I was too quick and selfish to ask him to give it another go. Perhaps he saw it as me being shallow but I needed closure and I wanted to relieve his guilt and pain even a little. I never told him how much I worried that he was hurting and how sorry I was for his situation because he wouldn't want me to worry as it would pressure him more and he doesn't like feeling weak. Also I just didn't want to bring up the loss of his close one. I thought it would be better to leave him completely but I wonder if it was the wrong choice. I maybe should have stayed for him and encouraged him during these hard times and not pushed him to consider trying again. I feel like I've ruined everything. Yet at the same time, I see that he is taking me for granted and I am of no importance to him.I am constantly cycling through not wanting him back but also feeling as though he will come back. It hurts that I have to be the 'bigger person', and the uncertainty of whether what I did was right or if I was too selfish is eating away at me slowly.

Do not feel bad for doing what is best for yourself, he already is by breaking up with you because he feels it is whats best for him. Stick to the NC, you are already farther ahead of where I was in my situation. When they behave like this, at first it may just be because they are confused, but after so long, it becomes a deliberate conscious choice, and that was something I had to learn the hard way with Tim. He is taking you for granted, you are absolutely right about that. Do not stay and wait for him, it will only hurt you in the long run. He broke up with you, and by doing so he made it clear that he doesn't want your support or love, and that he doesn't expect you to wait around for him to get right again. He may have told you he loves you, and he probably still does, but his actions indicate that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, even though he said his breaking up with you had nothing to do with you or your relationship. Grief makes people do strange things, this situation is unfortunately, not unique. He is being selfish by breaking up with you, DO NOT feel as though you did something wrong by being selfish and protecting yourself from his confusion and uncertainty. Misery might love company, but so does confusion.

It is perfectly acceptable to not want to see him suffer and have the impulse to comfort him, you love him, its only natural when you love someone. But the fact of the matter is, he has chosen to walk this journey alone, and despite your freely offering love and support, he doesn't want it. There is nothing you could've done or said to make him feel differently. Don't blame yourself. Do what is best for yourself.

Moving on will take time. You will feel a whole range of emotions for a while, and that's okay. Stick to the NC, remove him from your social media feeds, replace his name in your phone as something like "He takes me for granted" if you can't delete his number just yet. Remove anything he gave you or pictures of you two out of your immediate sight and grasp. Join a gym, group, club etc, go back to your life and hobbies. Spend more time with friends and family, take a class, learn a new skill. You had a life and were a whole person before the two of you got together, start doing things that bring you joy and remind you that you can be happy and are whole without him around.

On 7/2/2019 at 3:50 AM, VelvetBlue said:

I still can't help but feel lost when I think about how detached he was and how final the decision seemed when I called him immediately after the breakup. He mentioned that I'm still beautiful, amazing and all that but he just can't treat me the same way anymore, it is unfair to me and that he wishes things could have ended differently. It really sounded like he had a rational mind though I would like to hope that his grief has made him react this way.

I reached out to him around 2 weeks after NC. I asked if we could catch up and he told me that he was busy which I knew was a blatant lie. I had wanted to tell him in person how I felt and apologise for making it even more difficult for him during his time of grief but I just ended up sending it through text. I told him that I forgave him, apologised for making it difficult, that I was doing okay, pointed out perhaps why he didn't want to keep our relationship, told him that I loved him not just being in a relationship and asked him to consider giving it another go.

The reply was quick, he didn't even take time to consider even though I asked him to. (I understand 2 weeks might have been too early but I wanted to move on.) He said that I was a good person and he was glad that I was doing better, he felt more at ease because he was guilty for hurting me but he doesn't think he's ready to try again or if he ever will be. He said life is complicated and his situation has changed and he doesn't see us together anymore and he wants me to move on.

I already expected such a reply but seeing it still hurt. Just realising that he is able to second guess everything in his life except our relationship hurt. I never took him for granted and apparently for him I just wasn't good enough. I said I wished the best for him and all the happiness in the world and respected his decision. I did not beg or overreact. I told him that I can not be friends with him and am currently in NC.

This right here is all you need to know. There is no point in continuing to contact him or hold out hope that he will come back. You need to take what he said at face value. It's okay to feel hurt by what he said, losing someone you love hurts. Your feelings are just as valid as his. Do what is best for yourself. But just be aware that you did nothing wrong here, you reacted to him the only way you knew how, with love and support, and he didn't want it. That's not your fault, do not blame yourself for his feelings or behavior.

--Rae 

[kayc]

On 7/2/2019 at 1:50 AM, VelvetBlue said:

apparently for him I just wasn't good enough.

Please don't think this, it has nothing to do with how deserving you are, to him it's all about his grief.  A certain percentage of grievers can't do a relationship at the same time, they cope differently than some of the rest of us...most of the threads in this section are because someone lost someone and broke up with their SO because of it.  The relationship could have been great but that's irrelevant when they're grieving.  I didn't know that until it happened to me.

Being in NC helps you in so many ways...it preserves what's left of your feelings while allowing you to recover, you'll find yourself growing stronger every day...at first it won't seem noticeable as you'll be crying, sad, but every day you're gaining ground, someday you'll look back and see how far you've come.

Spend time with family and friends, surround yourself with positive support, do things that bring positivity to your life, invest in YOU.

Let go of any wishful thinking that he might reconsider or come to his senses because it's extremely unlikely in any event.  And think about it, wouldn't you rather go through life with a partner who will want to go through thick and thin with you, not break up with you when something tough comes along?  Because it's guaranteed tough things will come, they do to all of us eventually, it's in how we handle them that makes the difference.  You deserve better than this.  I'm not laying blame to him, just saying, want more for yourself.  You were willing to be everything to him, don't you deserve as much?

There's not a one of us that isn't human enough to want to balk at someone breaking up with us when we felt everything had been great between us, not a one of us who wouldn't hurt, it's natural human response, so no need to berate yourself for being human.  It's easy to look back and think, "Oh, I wish I'd done this differently or said this..." but the truth is we said/responded what we felt in the moment and that's okay, it's normal and natural.  There was nothing wrong with you!

You still care about him, that's natural, but try to focus your attention on you now...he will do what he needs to do for himself, but you need to focus on you and take care of you.  It's not selfish to look after yourself, who else is going to?!

The healing is all a process, it won't happen overnight...I must have cried for months when I went through it!  And my house got very clean!  It helps to channel our energy into something.

For some time now you've been thinking "we", now it's time to think "I" and be kind and understanding of yourself.  Become your own best friend.

You didn't abandon him, he broke up with you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  He falls into that certain percentage that handles grief that way.  So did my ex.  Doesn't make them bad people, just not right for coupledom, we need better than that.  And that's not selfish, it's realistic.

You're free to express yourself here, I know it's going to be hard to get through, you'll hurt, you'll wonder about him, etc., but stick to the NC, it's the best way for healing.

My fiance broke up with me when he was taking care of his mother 24/7, in anticipatory grief.  We were in NC for a few months.  After her death I sent him a sympathy card and he called me, talked for  3 1/2 hours, catching me up or maybe processing things in his own mind.  In the following days he'd call every day then not for 2-3 weeks, he'd say "I love you" and I'd analyze it...but his hot and cold was hard for me to take emotionally.  I remember crying over him and determined it'd be the last time I'd cry over him...I realized he didn't know his own mind, that he had a lot to work through and was unstable emotionally, he had a lot of grief processing to do but I didn't want it to be at my expense so I had to protect myself.  Do what is for your ultimate good, let him be responsible for himself.  Do not hold hope out that you will get back together.

[VelvetBlue]

Thank you for the support and advice Rae and Kayc!

It's only been around a month since this terrible thing has happened but I am doing quite well. I'm actually very proud of the strong person I am turning out to be. The way that I am able to deal with this situation is teaching me a lot about myself. This actually means that sometimes I feel even happier than I have ever felt before! I am enjoying spending time with my close ones and thinking positive thoughts. Although I do fall back into negativity, I am learning how to cope with such feelings so it is getting easier to stand back up every time and the pain is less severe each time. 

Unfortunately, I was a bit impulsive and reached out to him again to tell him that I did not abandon him and if he needs me, I will be there for him as a friend. I just couldn't bear to leave someone that I still care about during such hard times all because I'm not getting a romantic relationship. I guess this just comes from me being very cautious in who I keep around so I trust in my judgement and I don't want to be the person who has abandoned a good friend in difficult times. Knowing that I am still important to him, I know he would have hurt having me leave him even though he did push me away. I'm not sure if he has many people who are able to be there for him emotionally or understand him as well I do (I would like to think that I know him quite well) so I told him I would gladly be that person. Fortunately, he said that he appreciated it and now he knows who to contact if he needs help. I believe that he needed to hear such support which has bought me great relief. I have chosen to be there for him as a friend and he has allowed it but I won't allow myself to be taken for granted.

Don't worry, I am moving on and I absolutely do not expect him to get back together with me! I have let go of majority of such feelings and even when they return, I am able to guard myself quite well. I never allow it to grow further than a small fantasy. We are both quite young so I know there is more out there in the world for me. Though I am putting myself in a position which makes me very vulnerable, I am able to see him only as a friend that needs help separate to the person I was dating. 

The worst thing that can happen in this situation I guess is that he isn't such a great person after all but then it will be another valuable lesson in which I can learn from to become stronger. Also it would just really be his loss. However, I think I am willing to take such a risk to help out someone who is struggling and be able to keep a good person as a very good friend at the end of this all.

[kayc]

But it's also important to let him handle his own situation, you're not responsible for him, he is.  You're responsible for you.  It's important for you to see that...you don't need to be there for him, he'll be okay without you, this was his choice.  More important for you to focus on your own needs right now.  You are not abandoning him, he chose to handle it this way!  You need more time under your belt in NC to even consider friendship with this person, and more healing before you can know what's right for you.  Only he can decide what's right for him.