Reaching out for support

[N&C]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading through this forum as I’m struggling and have never felt so alone, devastated, scared and overwhelmed. I have 3 children and have separated from my husband. It was a domestic violence relationship (alcoholic) and it took help from the police to get free. After a met a wonderful guy and had an extremely close relationship. We were very much in love and we both spent hours talking about how strong our feelings were and we both loved being close to each other. The only red flag was that he was very stubborn. We always helped each other through everything (he has a bit of family drama) my kids didn’t meet him but we were together for about 1.5 years. This year he was planning a holiday with his friends for two months. He was very worried that I wouldn’t be there for him when he got back but I assured him that although I would miss him I wasn’t going anywhere. One month before the holiday he said I don’t think I love you anymore and I need space and I’m confused. I was devastated but respected his space. I did call to ask when we would talk again as he wanted me to think to and we would talk again after space. He didn’t contact me before he left. I feel so abandoned as I was in the process of going to court to testify why I needed the violence order to be extended to protect the kids from their dads use of alcohol around the same time this guy was leaving. Ive never felt such a devestating loss. I can’t eat, sleep, my anxiety is through the roof, I had to take time off work and I vomit in the mornings and I feel like I have a knife in my heart. I’m worried this pain will actually damage my heart. I still love this guy but don’t understand how he could ring me in a cold voice and say a few sharp lines (he was saying it in an angry way) and then hang up. I felt let down that we couldn’t have an adult conversation in person considering how much we felt for each other. The week before he told me how in love he was and he thought he never knew a bond like this could exist. I’m grieving with confusion but have been respectful of his wishes. I’ve lost so much weight from the pain and now I feel like I’m scared of the whole entire world. He is stubborn to a tee so I don’t ever expect to hear from him again. If I ever saw him again I think I would vomit from anxiety. I can’t cope and I just don’t want to care about him. Any thoughts are welcome to help me process this as I doubt he will ever give me closure and if I saw him I know he would act cold towards me shattering me into a million pieces again. 

[kayc]

@N&C

Hi, welcome here!  I'm very sorry, I know it hurts like the dickens!  When I went through my last breakup, he broke up with me via Fed Ex to my office no less!  I'd started crying and was told to leave work.  That was humiliating, he could have at least sent it to my home so I could get the news in private.  That was nine years ago, I haven't dated since.  I think I cried for about four months and the last time I told myself it would be the last time I cried over him, I put a protective coating around my heart.  

I hope you have some friends/family around that are supportive to you!  It'd be good to spend time with them.  Take extra good care of yourself, you need to be your own best friend now.  I hope you'll see a doctor about your anxiety and sleep, I've had to be on something for years now and will the rest of my life.  Middle of the night can be tough!  It's important to get enough sleep.  

When they break up with us, they don't always give us closure in a neat and tidy package that will helps us going forward, so it's important for us to bring our own closure.  What I mean is, they don't always explain themselves to us so we can understand.  It's hard when someone is telling you they love you right up until they don't!  We feel deceived.  We wonder if any of it was real.  It affects our ability to trust.  It's important to realize it's them, not us.  Obviously he wasn't as happy with the relationship as he let on or he had something else going on that he didn't tell you, but that's on him.  

To heck with his wishes, no contact is best for YOU!  It will aid you in getting over him quicker as contact with him can undo whatever progress you've made and set you back.  I know, you probably feel you haven't made any progress, but do you really want to repeat any of the time since he broke up with you?  Crying and all of the stuff you've experienced since is part of the processing your grief over the loss of him in your life.  Clarity will come around the corner.  

You say you don't understand how he could do this...he's not as empathetic and loving as you'd thought.  Some people can act loving but that doesn't mean they ARE loving.  Just decent caring and respect for another human being, let alone one you've had a relationship with for 1 1/2 years, would warrant better treatment than he gave you.  This guy is going to go on vacation for two months and wants to be free when he does it.  It wouldn't surprise me if he wants to hook up with you when he gets back.  DO NOT GO FOR IT unless you're a glutton for punishment!  He's selfish and all about himself.  Stubbornness is not his only red flag!

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  There's no quick or easy fix for the pain you're in but the starter would be seeing a doctor and getting help for your anxiety and sleep.  It might help if you saw a counselor too, especially with all you went through with your soon to be XH as well as this break up.  It'd be good to learn how to pick them better, what to look for, learn from all of this so you don't have a repeat...I've had to learn to value myself enough to want more for myself.  As you begin to move through this process and realize just how cold and callously he treated you, your love feelings will diminish and you'll thank your lucky stars you didn't end up married to him.  I've learned we can bring our own closure even with the lack of their explanation.  His actions tell you everything you need to know about him.

 

[N&C]

Thanks Kayc, thank you for the comfort. I am seeing a doctor and a therapist. I am starting to realise that he is selfish. I am not contacting him and I can guarantee he will not contact me when he comes back. I do feel deceived that we often said if either one of us starts feeling different we would discuss it. I deserved a conversation in person and he was too weak to do it. I gave him nothing but love compassion and my heart. I know this is a website for people who have actually lost a loved one to death which I can only imagine would feel a million times worse so I want to say thank you for your support still through this. I hope I can get through the mental anguish and physical symptoms soon. It’s the worst breakup I’ve  ever experienced. I don’t want to love him anymore so I guess that’s a good place to start xx

[kayc]

8 hours ago, N&C said:

I know this is a website for people who have actually lost a loved one to death which I can only imagine would feel a million times worse so I want to say thank you for your support still through this.

This one was actually created when my friend Wendy and I lost someone due to breakups, so don't feel out of place here.  Most of the threads in this section are when someone lost someone to death and THEN broke up with their SO because they couldn't do a relationship and grieve at the same time.  After I lost a husband to death, I remarried and he turned out to be a con who took me financially, cheated on me, never lived with me, broke my heart.  THEN I got together with a nice guy who broke my heart when his mom was dying.  Needless to say I haven't dated since.  I had the best husband in the world, not perfect, but perfect for me, and I lost him to a heart attack when he turned 51.  Sometimes life isn't very fair, is it.

8 hours ago, N&C said:

I deserved a conversation in person and he was too weak to do it.

Yes you deserved that, so did I, and you're right, they were too weak to do so the right way, in person with a two way discussion.  But this isn't about them any more, it's about knowing what we deserve and healing ourselves, learning and getting through it.

I don't think you can love him but rather who you thought he was...he's already shown you he's not that person.  But this is all a process and we can't just flip a switch and be over it that fast (I wish we could!), so long as you're heading in that direction and don't prolong your grief and pain by contacting him, you will get over him and a better future can be yours for it.

I've learned I don't need a guy in my life, I am valuable with or without them, they don't define me...that's coming a long ways for me.  It's been good to have these years alone.  I've learned so much!  I am more ready if I ever meet someone right, so far I haven't, I'm open, just not looking.  It's hard meeting anyone in this sleepy little town and I'm not into on line dating.

You'd already been through so much with your almost XH, it's hard having this compile that experience.  How old are your kids?  At least you hadn't brought this one into their lives, you can feel good about that.  My first husband abused me physically and in every way, so I know what that's like too.  Second one I was married to 23 years but he never loved me and was controlling.  That's who I had my kids with.  Third one was my soul mate and best friend, he died way too soon. Fourth one I don't consider a husband, we never lived together, he just preyed on me when I was a grieving widow and all my friends had disappeared.  After that I lost a fiance but am thankful we hadn't married.  That's too many relationships for one lifetime!  I put 100% into each one, didn't deserve what happened, but have learned to be very particular even if it means growing old alone...I guess I'm already there, I'm almost 67!

How old are your kids?

[N&C]

Thanks for reaching out Kayc, I feel so alone in this. I have some really nice girlfriends but don’t want to burden them too much.  my kids are 8, 5 and 3. You must be such a strong woman to have gone through all of that. I pretty much feel scared of the world in that I don’t think any man would not hurt me. My partner was very loving and kind until he broke it off. He spoke to me so cold and with such disdain in his voice and it shook me to my core. I wished the relationship wasn’t perfect then I’d have lots of things to remind me that he was not great. But I only have the way he ended it and spoke to me to remind me that it was disrespectful. I can hold my head up high as I never disrespected him and was kind and nurturing towards him. He said I was the kindest person he has ever known. I can’t help but feel rejected. He also said I was the prettiest girl he has ever known so I don’t have low self esteem about how I look. I just feel like there was something inside of me that he rejected. Every break up I’ve had has not really affected me but this is a world of hurt that just seems so overwhelming and it’s affecting me mentally and physically. Thanks for talking to me, you don’t understand how much it means to me xx

[N&C]

 

This one was actually created when my friend Wendy and I lost someone due to breakups, so don't feel out of place here.

 

thanks for saying that Kayc because I was worried that I’d feel out of place due to me not understanding the full impact of grief of not loosing someone to death. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, N&C said:

I just feel like there was something inside of me that he rejected.

Just remember, the breakup was about HIM, not you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you...sometimes they don't have the ability to see clearly is all.

15 hours ago, N&C said:

I only have the way he ended it and spoke to me to remind me that it was disrespectful.

That's a big enough reminder in and of itself!

In one respect it is super hard when you've lost "your person" to death, you know they exist, you had it all, and in one instant, poof, it's gone!  Leaves you longing for them forever.

But in another way, it is really really hard to have someone be like a crumb bum to you, esp. when you'd thought everything was fine...you aren't left with your memories intact like losing someone to death through no fault of their own.  You feel broken.  It's hard to compare the two situations because they're just so different, each one hard in their own right.  No one can discount how you're feeling, I've been through both...loss to death never seems to end, you just learn to cope with your changed life, whereas there can be healing and moving beyond loss due to breakup, Lord knows I've had my share!  

With what you've been through in your life, you've learned from a variety of experiences and they can aid you in the future, help you understand a wider array of situations people go through.  I truly hope you find your knight and think you will so long as you keep in mind all guys are not this one!  There's good and bad out there, it's up to us to find the right one.  

Wishing you some soothing balm for your heart...

 

[N&C]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Just remember, the breakup was about HIM, not you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you...sometimes they don't have the ability to see clearly is all.

That's a big enough reminder in and of itself!

In one respect it is super hard when you've lost "your person" to death, you know they exist, you had it all, and in one instant, poof, it's gone!  Leaves you longing for them forever.

But in another way, it is really really hard to have someone be like a crumb bum to you, esp. when you'd thought everything was fine...you aren't left with your memories intact like losing someone to death through no fault of their own.  You feel broken.  It's hard to compare the two situations because they're just so different, each one hard in their own right.  No one can discount how you're feeling, I've been through both...loss to death never seems to end, you just learn to cope with your changed life, whereas there can be healing and moving beyond loss due to breakup, Lord knows I've had my share!  

With what you've been through in your life, you've learned from a variety of experiences and they can aid you in the future, help you understand a wider array of situations people go through.  I truly hope you find your knight and think you will so long as you keep in mind all guys are not this one!  There's good and bad out there, it's up to us to find the right one.  

Wishing you some soothing balm for your heart...

 

You are right Kayc, I just feel so broken, it’s good to hear that I can heal heal and move on, I just worry because I’m a sensitive soul and I’ve never loved someone so deeply. You have shared with me all that you have gone through and you sound like such an amazing and strong person. It’s just so painful, I can’t wait till the day that I don’t have any love feelings left for him. I’m scared about the amount of time that will take because Because I’m just such a loving and giving person and when I’m doing these things That is when I feel like I’m truely me. I’m blessed to have some girlfriends that have beautiful souls who know that I love them and they love me. But the love I felt with him is something different that friends just can’t give and one day I hope to find again.  I just feel lost and broken as you said. How long did it take you to heal from the fiancé that sent you that fed ex break up letter to your work? 

[kayc]

Healing is a gradual thing, the worst of it was in the first four months I'd say.  Probably if I went back and looked at my posts I'd find it was longer.

Here's a good article on the subject:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-truths-about-breakups-t_b_953824

and another one that might be of help:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart/

This is my story:

 

[N&C]

Thanks Kayc for sharing that. Reading it broke my heart for you. I can see the depths of emotions that relationship bought you! I guess it’s still early days for me yet. Although you never were able to trust this man again you did get to talk to him and he eventually told you he loved you! You worked on yourself in the meantime while grieving. You must be so very strong. I can only wish that I will ever receive that type of closure but I know he will never contact me again because he is so stubborn. This lack of closure is making it so worse for me. I’m not feeling very strong today, and I guess I’m feeling like a discarded bit of trash. I know there will be up and down days as I’ve seen you go through them when I read your thread. Thank you for talking to me, you are the only one who has reached out to me in this time of need and I appreciate it so much. I don’t know what else to say really as it’s a bad day. I just feel so worthless and this heartbreak is really affecting my health even though I’m doing all the things friends have suggested. I’m sorry, I don’t even know if I’m making sense right now. I read the articles that you sent and thank you, but I will have to revisit them when I am stronger I think. I can see you had many bad days and I admire your strength. I’m scared of pushing people away and them abandoning me because of this heartbreak so I hope me writing that I’ve had a bad day doesn’t push you away either. Sorry if I’m not making sense, I’m just a mess. 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, N&C said:

I’m feeling like a discarded bit of trash.

 

1 hour ago, N&C said:

I just feel so worthless

Dear one, I hope you will paste this quotation on your bathroom mirror and heed its message:

[N&C]

Thank you MartyT! I know I provided my absolute best in that relationship, space, freedom, love and support always so this is true, I’m not inferior. Thank you for the reminder while I was having a bad day xx

[kayc]

12 hours ago, N&C said:

I’m feeling like a discarded bit of trash.

Give yourself positive affirmations.  They have them at Barnes & Noble, also here https://www.amazon.com/s?k=positive+affirmations+cd&gclid=CjwKCAjw67XpBRBqEiwA5RCocYqWw2xtQxTuXa_DoDbIp3Fk0RxeOgHIQO3PZ94FW1IaNYyN1i6AchoCExYQAvD_BwE&hvadid=241915761545&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9032139&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6446622430055432208&hvtargid=kwd-506655733&hydadcr=24630_10399597&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_5pf1ceeubc_e
Play it every day and listen, let it go into your subconscious while you're fixing dinner, etc.

I was actually surprised when I went back and read some on that thread about my breakup with Jim...I didn't remember some of that, but it doesn't matter that he said he loved me, he was mixed up and didn't know his own mind, he would react this way, that way, it drove me crazy, that's why I had to wall up to protect myself, I knew there'd be no follow through to match it.  I love him dearly (as a friend) but am so glad we didn't marry as is.

You can bring your own closure even when others don't provide it, it's harder, we like things nice and neat, but you can do it, I have.  When they don't offer explanations, when you don't understand what happened, you still have things you can piece together.  You can realize they weren't relationship material or they couldn't have done what they did.  Keep your heart and eyes open for one that is, when you are sufficiently healed, of course.  

You are loving, kind, honorable, remember that and remind yourself often!

We all have bad days, that's okay!  I have GAD and it is it's worst in the middle of the night, I don't know why, that's when everything looks bleak and I can feel like Eeyore.  In the middle of the night I quote, "He will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee."  I also remind myself that things will look better in the morning, and they do.  This is kind of like that, you have to remind yourself of the things that are good about you, what you deserve, and what you don't.  You did not earn this break up!  You did nothing to cause it!  It is him.  Lay the responsibility on him.  If you'd done something to contribute to it, it'd be different, then you learn from that and move on with your life.  But I'm not reading that in your situation.

You are going to be okay, it's just a matter of going through this process, and it can be downright painful!  But you'll get through it.

By the way, Jim's ex wife is living with him, has been a few years now, they aren't a couple, no romance, she would have been homeless and he took pity on her.  But it's not healthy for him to have her there, I can hear her interjecting when we talk and I know it grates on him, it does on me!  she does little to nothing around the place, he feels he has to take care of her.  Interesting, he never felt that way about me, but she is childish and doesn't have a clue how to take care of herself.  I, on the other hand am independent, yes, strong, and deal with life on my own...I think that both impressed and intimidated him.  He's been someone who has procrastinated horribly but is for the first time in his life trying to deal with some things, he's getting treatment for the first time, and had some medical scares that woke him up and he's dealing with them...again, for the first time in his life.  I'm proud of him but wish he could get his ex out of his life for his sake...that probably won't happen though.  People allow what they want to allow.  If he truly didn't want her there, she wouldn't be.  Their daughter tried to get her to move out but they're kind of like codependent.  I don't need a partner like that in my life.  He's great as a friend, but as a partner, not so much.  I feel bad saying that because I do care for him and consider him a close friend, but it's reality.

Sometimes I don't feel strong.  Sometimes I'd like someone to lean on and they can lean on me, like it was with my George.  Someone who is a true partner, equal, a relationship where we both contribute and care.

And you're not pushing me away, not in the least!  You're honest, which I find refreshing.

[N&C]

Thanks Kayc, I really like that bit of advice that I need to bring my own closure. I don’t have much to work with other than he didn’t really love me, was possibly lying that he did. I feel confident that I loved him deeply and was always patient and kind to him without putting any pressure on him. I hope one day he looks back and thinks wow she was a really good to me. I will work on the positive affirmations. Thanks for reassuring me that we all have bad days and sometimes we don’t always feel strong. Yesterday was a really bad day. I wish I could be over it and stop thinking about him but I understand it’s a process. I’m gathering that healing comes with time and distance and for me it’s early days yet. I also suffer from anxiety so I understand those feelings you were talking about. The situation Jim is in now sounds very toxic and I’m glad that’s not you living there because you definitely deserve more. You give me hope that I can heal and move on so thank you for your words of wisdom xx

[kayc]

10 hours ago, N&C said:

I really like that bit of advice that I need to bring my own closure. I don’t have much to work with other than he didn’t really love me, was possibly lying that he did.

Just remember, people's actions speak louder than their words. It's not so much what he said but what he did that speaks loudly...it tells you everything you need to know.  If he ever came back and said yada yada yada, it wouldn't matter...you still have the image of what he did in your brain!

Yeah, sometimes we don't FEEL strong, but I look at what I've gone through and survived and can only draw the conclusion that I AM strong.  That doesn't equate to always feeling it though.  And I did love having a partner (George) that went through thick and thin with me, someone who when he held me, I felt all was right with the world.  Someone I could talk things over with.  Someone I knew loved me, cared about me, had my back.  It meant all the difference in the world.  When you have someone like that and lose them to death, you have to learn to be all to yourself, treat yourself with understanding and patience, be kind to yourself, be your own best friend, pamper yourself.  In the same way, when you lose someone to breakup, it's important to do this too.  What we once got from that other person, we must now give to ourselves.  Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.  You ARE, you know?

 

[N&C]

Thanks KayC, I’ve had a better day today. I’m so sorry that you lost your beautiful soulmate. He sounds like such an amazing man and someone you truely deserved. I’m glad you have so many positive memories left of him and know that you were truely loved. I feel like I am a bit stronger now and I have hope that with determination I can recover. I will make an effort to do nice things for me as your right, I am my best friend and I do deserve happiness. Thank you for these chats I think they are helping me heal and see clearly xx

[kayc]

Okay, maybe tomorrow you can tell me what nice thing you did for yourself!  

[N&C]

Hi KayC! I treated myself to some chocolate today. I hope this counts haha! I hope you are treating yourself too xx

[kayc]

Yep, chocolate always counts!    Lately my life has been centering around my dog, he's the most wonderful dog in the world, so smart, sweet, goofy, loving...and he's dying of cancer.  My days are about walks, bellyrubs, ear rubs, cooking for him, coaxing him into eating, singing to him, talking to him, loving him...as I lose him little by little. It's the hardest thing I've been through in a long time, he is my world.  So any day with Arlie is a good day.

[N&C]

What a beautiful dog! He is so lucky to have you spoiling him every moment! I’m sorry to hear he has cancer, I hope you get lots of precious time with him xx

[kayc]

The upper picture he was 140 lbs, he was down to 106 six weeks ago. 

[N&C]

I hope you get many more moths with him KayC xxxxx

[kayc]

How are YOU doing?

[N&C]

Hi KayC, I think I’m doing a bit better from my first post. Still feeling the pain and sadness but trying to accept that even though I still love him, he has hurt me and he will not going to give me the closure I need. I’m still constantly thinking about it which is annoying and a bit scary but I’m kind of feeling like I don’t want to talk to him until I’m much stronger because I think he would hurt me again by just speaking blunt to me. When we were together he was always kind and loving but when he said he wanted space he was cold, rude and blunt so if we do talk I would assume the same treatment and I don’t want to go through that again. Xxx

[kayc]

And I think that is wise.  Update us how you're doing, now and then, okay?