Guilt

[Shelbel]

My husband passed away from complications of pneumonia and asthma on 05/21/2019. We went to the emergency room 11 days prior to his passing, due to breathing issues. Within 2 hours of us getting to the hospital, they had to put him on a breathing tube, due to fluid filling up in his lungs from pneumonia. 

The complication that developed after 11 days, was a blood clot that was detected in his lungs and eventually went to his heart. 

3 days before we went to the emergency room, we did go to urgent care, and the doctor at urgent care put him on meds for a "cold" and gave him a breathing treatment.

I feel guilty that I didn't know how sick he was. He was very fatigued, for a few days, and I wish I would have known that this was a sign that he had pneumonia, even though he was getting mad at me for getting on him to get more sleep. (He had sleep apnea, too, so I just thought that he was having a a bit of a sleep issue for a few days, even though he used a cpap machine). I don't know, I have been reading about pneumonia, and how "sneaky" it can be, but it is still so hard to deal with losing my sweet husband. We were only married for 6 months...together for 5 years.

Anyway, I am having trouble with the guilt.

 

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband, but clearly unless you hold a medical degree as a pulmonary specialist, I don't see how you could have recognized the seriousness of his illness. I don't mean to minimize the guilt that you feel ~ it is what you are feeling, after all, and feelings aren't always rational or justified. But I do suggest that you do some reading about this, in hopes that you will come to judge yourself less harshly. See Grief and The Burden of Guilt ~ including the additional articles listed at the base.  ♥

[Shelbel]

Thank you MartyT. I appreciate you pointing that out, (as I do not have a medical degree). I will discuss my issues with guilt further with my grief counselor.

[kayc]

@Shelbel

I am sorry for your loss...Marty stated it well and that is one of my favorite articles!  Welcome here, I can relate, George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, our life together was cut way too prematurely.  I'm sorry you, too, didn't get longer together.

[Kieron]

Yeah, I can relate... my partner developed a pulmonary blood clot, among other things, and after he passed away, I blamed myself for months for not calling 911 myself (even though he was in a "rehab" facility at the time), or pushing the nurses harder to identify what was wrong, etc.  it's incredibly easy to beat oneself up over these things.  I will also say that men, in particular, do what yours did in getting annoyed or defensive when loved ones push them to take action or seek help.  It's just a guy thing and while it's stupid, it is what it is.  I hope you will, in time, be able to put the self-blame into better perspective, although I will say it can linger for a long time.

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Shelbel said:

feel guilty that I didn't know how sick he was.

Billy's whole system was enveloped with cancer.  I typed transcription for 43 years.  I thought I knew something.  I did know black letters typed on white paper somewhere in a million patient's charts.  I did not know Billy was leaving me.  I even angrily hit his hands when he was telling me he  had to go when he had his one big .......I'm at a loss for words.  Impossible for me to be at a loss for words.  I hit his hands and told him "NO!!!" and he did not listen to me.  He left anyhow.  I wanted to go first.  Dammit, I was always the sickest.  He had to take care of me so many times through life or death times.  We were going to have another miracle.  He could not give up.  But he did.  He had to, and three years and nine months later I am still here.  I think the guilt sometimes is forgot for moments and days at times.  Then, there it is and I say to those low hanging clouds "I cannot believe you left me."  But he did, and it was not on purpose, and I would not talk about how sick he was with him, he knew.  He knew I knew.  That man was so slow and lanky with his movements, never in a hurry, always there to take my anxiety away.  I really have let up on myself a lot over this time, and you will too.  We just miss them so much.  You  love a lot, you hurt a lot. 

[kayc]

Marg,

You always have such a way with words, so able to express yourself.  I didn't want George to go either, when I cried out while they were working on his heart to "hang on" he shook his head no.  Again I cried out, again he shook his head.  I have always regretted that the nurse threw me out after that and locked the door behind me on the ward, because at that moment I wanted to put his needs ahead of my own and be there for him, I wanted to stand by him and gently stroke his hair while he made his way into whatever is next for us...but I was deprived of that.  We carry that regret forever.  It is a hard thing to process, a hard thing to absorb that your husband is leaving you for good...albeit cancer or heart attack, it's a damned cold process, isn't it!  My heart goes out to you as I heart your heart's cry.

No, they didn't will to leave, it was not on purpose, they had no choice in the matter, any more than we did.

[Margm]

Kay, you were restrained away from him.  I have no excuse except disbelief.  I'm so sorry you were kept away.  It was just me and Billy and God in that room and God decided to show me I was not boss.  I think shock made me think I was in charge.  One time a road mower threw a rock into Billy's side window.  The glass shattered but stayed in one place, and I learned the meaning of safety glass.  It shook me up so bad, he would have been killed.  He knew how much he meant to me.  His little tall, lanky body  had taken all it could in the ER and he was puking his guts out with me feeding him the morphine.  I hope it helped him.  Any pain our partners felt at that time of leaving us, we have felt every day since.  I see my sister hating marriage (she lived with my  folks a lot longer than I did), and her determination not to have a mate of any sort, now she is alone with only me and my kids.  Her disposition repels close friendship, like my mom's did.  And I don't remember which poet said it, (not gonna google it), but it is so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  We miss them, we loved them, we feel guilt, we feel loneliness, sometimes anger, but at one time our life was full, we knew happiness of love and being loved in return.  Some do not have that ever.  

I was talking about reading on another forum and mentioned that my new husband was jealous of my books at first, until I got him to reading.  Innocent statement, but I had to go back and put in parentheses (new husband in 1961), and thought it rather comical that someone at my age, depth of my  marriage would be mistaken to have a "new" husband.  I even heard from a long lost relative.  After so many years, good and bad, how could you marry again without unfair comparison.  Some do, but they are a lot younger than I am and did not marry as a child and grow up into an adult along with that husband.  I'll quit backtracking and say some can, some cannot.  

[kayc]

That nurse may have taken it out of my hands, but the moment before when I cried out to him to hang in there, I was doing the same thing you were...I wasn't accepting him leaving me!  It takes a while for us to process this!  And George had time that weekend to process it, I didn't.  I had just been shown the test results.  And who knows, my crying out may have been what prompted the nurse to throw me out.  She had no way of knowing what was deep inside of me.  Her action that moment was defining, it was huge, it impacted him and I, it ripped away my choice to be there by his side.  They wouldn't have even known he was having a heart attack to call the code and come running, had it not been for me...I was the one who alerted them, they weren't paying any attention, they were chattering idly at the nurse's station.  So what right did they have to toss me out in his last moments?  To take away the right to see him into his next stage of life...the hereafter.

AAlfred Lord Tennyson said "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  I agree, but I've heard widows say they wish they'd never met their husband so they wouldn't be in pain now.  Not me.  I could never wish that.  All of the pain is more than worth it for me to have known the most wonderful person in the world, the person that loved me the truest, that brought me the greatest moments of happiness.  Oh that I could have that again!  But alas I have yet to have glimpsed a moment of it.

I have a friend who remarried after her husband's death, they are very happy.  One of them is sure to lose the other someday and have to go through this loss again, but for these moments of happiness that they have found, it is worth it.  They realize that, but they are living life in the moment.  I helped talk her into it.  I hope she doesn't hate me for it someday.  I just don't see that living in fear of what could be is the way to live...to miss something wonderful just because you're afraid of losing it.

[Gwenivere]

I vascilate.  When the pain gets too intense, I wish I never met him.  Thats when I see how dependent we became on each other in all the hard times.  For me there is a level of anger that he never was alone, ever.  I was the caregiver for over 4 years and now 4 years later there is no one there for me.  But when it comes to true love, he is my definition of it. I knew other men but never felt what I did with him for very long.  He was the one and had I never met him, I would have missed some incredible things.  But also terrible ones.  Love is messy but so fulfilling and can drive you crazy trying to figure it out.  That is what death created as we didn’t do that before.  It just.....was.  

[David s]

I sure understand the guilt part it still eats at me every waking moment. My wife died right beside me and I didn't have a clue. Thought she had just fell again she did that a lot I asked if she wanted help I heard what I thought was no because she always said that. Turns out she had a heart attack and I just left her there to either be already dead or dying. To top it off my 10 year old daughter was the first to know something was very wrong because she wouldn't move and was cold, my little girl came home with mother's day crafts only to find her dead. I know there wasn't really anything I could do and have been told that so many times but they weren't there I was. I hope you find a way to truly realize there was nothing you could have done. Grief is hard enough without having guilt on top of it.

 

 

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, David s said:

I hope you find a way to truly realize there was nothing you could have done.

And that is my wish for you too, David.

[Jackie - Richard]

David...

...i fully understand the " guilt " as i too was sitting in the office on the computer oblivious to the fact my Richard was dead sitting in his armchair in the living room, ( 11th April ) and although i had heard some noises, what i now know as arm tapping on the armchair, his hands were placed on the arms, and a noise of what i thought was him quietly walking in the kitchen not long before... had thought he was taking a mug or plate into the kitchen before making his half hour car journey back to collect our then dog from the pet groomers...i had the shock of my life when after the phone rung then stopped, i had gone in to investigate why he never answered it only to find my Richard ( age 74 ) dead to a heart blockage...I have to now forever live with this guilt of not investigating earlier or more so, why i never stayed in the front room, i would have been with him, maybe, just maybe, he would still be here now, if only...

David, if it is any consolation, i keep telling myself that i didn't know and if i had, would it have turned out any different...maybe not...Although my Richard was always there for me ( i have MS) and the one time i wasn't there for him, i let him down, i failed him...Oh how many times i have cried and told my Richard how sorry i am, please forgive me, i just hope and pray that he CAN and DOES hear me...

David sending you a (( hug ))

Jackie...

[Jackie - Richard]

Shelbel...

...bless you, how could you have known...even your hubby did not know...you done everything that was meant to be done, you went with him to the emergency room, and urgent care...if the hospital medics did not pick up on anything how could you have done so...

Jackie...sending a (( hug ))

[kayc]

And Jackie, I hope you can extend to yourself the same understanding you give to Shelbel...that you did not know, had you known you'd have been in there with him, although the outcome likely would have been the same.  I hope you don't beat up on yourself.  We all need to forgive ourselves the "not knowing" and "what ifs".  We love them, we'd have done anything we could for them.