Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

The loss of my partner Richard..


Recommended Posts

Jackie,

Welcome here, I am so sorry you, too, have lost your husband.  It's weird how in the blink of an eye our life as we know it can change so drastically.  

I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will be of help to you as well.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear Jackie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved husband Michael suddenly and without warning in July of 2016.

I had the same feelings and thoughts that you are going through right now. I too did not want to go on and didn’t know how I would survive.

Right now please just try to take things a minute or an hour at a time. Please also be very gentle and kind to yourself, make sure you drink enough water and eat healthy food.

Seek out a grief counselor who can help you deal with all of the overwhelming emotions. 

This is not an easy journey, but after 3 years for me, I can say things have become a bit of more manageable. I still have to take things one day at a time, but trust that things will also soften for you. It is a hard road, this grief journey, so just take baby steps. 

Prayers and Blessings to you.

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jackie, I too am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband, and I can only imagine how isolated and alone you must feel. 

Since in addition to the death of your spouse you also are dealing with PPMS (primary progressive multiple sclerosis), you need and deserve whatever support you can find.

I see that you live in the UK. Have you reached out to learn whatever support is available to you there? (See, for example, Apply for a needs assessment by social services and Aftering ).

Clearly you are in need of both physical and emotional support and, although you may not be inclined to do so, I hope you will muster the energy to reach out for it.

Meanwhile, we are here for you, and of course we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. 

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

I truly think I have a very long way still  to go

This is a process, a life long process, you have all the time in the world, take a day at a time, whatever you can handle right now, try not to worry about everything at once, it all feels a bit much!  Every person here has felt that way, still does a lot of the time!  The only difference between you and me in our grief is I've had more time under my belt.  When my George died, I hadn't a clue where to start with this!  I'd lost my dad, niece, nephew, friends, pets, grandparents, but it's not the same as losing your spouse, that person you counted on to go through life with.  He was the one who helped me through things, what do you do when that person is gone!  You learn to rely on yourself...it doesn't happen overnight, but I look back over the years since he's been gone and I'm amazed at some of the stuff I've made it through...things have a way of working out even when you can't see it.  It will be one decision at a time, live in that moment, that day.  I know your feelings, I hear you, been there, we all have...are.

We want to walk on this journey with you, be here for you.  We'll hear your heart's cry, we may not have answers, but we can listen, we can sit with you.  Sometimes that's what we need the most.

(((hugs)))

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome Jackie.  I’ve been reading of your battles and care very much as a member of this family here.  It’s the club no one wants to join, but here we are.  We have each other.

you may be confusing reacting to responding to your posts.  The heart in the corner means the person found much meaning in what you wrote and wanted you to know.  Sometimes they don’t have anything to add, but want you to know they heard you.

i hope you wil find the support I have found invaluable here.  🦋

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was going to tell you the same thing about the posts but I see Gwen already covered it.

17 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

" when our time is up, it is up.."

I suppose.  I always thought we had some degree of control by our choices/actions, how we live, how we take care of ourselves, etc., of course there is our genetics thrown into the mix.  But in the end it is our time up thing.  I look at it like playing a hand of cards that we're dealt, both how we play and what we're dealt that affect the outcome.  He did everything he could to stay here for you.

April 11 seems to be a day of significance for you...in my family we had a day such as that...Sept. 17.  It was the day of my sister's horrible accident, her losing her three year old, her becoming quadriplegic, my other sister's brain damage causing her falls throughout her life.  After I married I found out my husband had a motorcycle accident with his brother, same day, same year, they had to piece his face back together, his brother suffered brain damage.  They were in the hospital the same day as my family...20 years to the day, my MIL passed away.  When I got the call (I'd been taking care of her as she was bedridden with cancer, during the daytime for three years) I realized it was September 17 and I felt a chilled feeling all over, my husband told me it was just a day, not to read anything into it, but it still gave me that feeling all the same.  Just a day.  I don't imagine it feels like just a day to you either.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read your posts and empathize  with you on this grief journey. Although, this is my fifth trip around the calendar without my beloved, Rose Anne, It doesn't lessen the pain or grief.  I become accustomed to it as it travels with me  everywhere.  The sudden Shock and AWE of her sudden unexpected death has lessened over time, yet the reality is she is not here anymore and that void still stings.  Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all a part of what each of us goes through in this transition from we(US)  to just me (without US).  

We all come to listen, learn, share, and care for each other as most people (out there) truly don't grasp the reality of our loss and grief.  Thankfully, many of us found a safe haven from the battered storms and aftermath of death of our beloved.  I pray you will find comfort in solace in that we do care and want you to know that you are not alone in this journey.  Thanks to MartyT, Kayc, and many others hear we can continue on this grief healing journey towards the mark set before us. - George- Shalom (God's Perfect Peace be with you)

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

they say " time is a healer " i once would have believed that but not so sure now

This is one thing that doesn't totally heal...we can adjust, get somewhat used to as in we no longer expect them to call or come in the door, we know they're gone, but that longing continues inside of us.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

I used to be on their card making team, it has now been abandoned, but we made and posted birthday, anniversaries and bereavement - condolence cards

Do you make actual physical cards?  I have been doing that for about 33 years.  I used to enjoy it so much but some of the luster has diminished...just a wee bit of depression I guess.  George loved watching me make cards, he said I made "happy sounds".  I asked him about that, he said, "You know, like whistling and humming and stuff."

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

43 years of marriage married on the 2nd of September 1974 and Colin passed away December 2017 with Mastastic prostate cancer and diabetes. The reactions of others have been as though that grief is a minor timetable but there isn't any timetable of losing a spouse. Being gentle with one self is vital. To go to a funeral just 10 months after Colin passed away to others I was selfish not to go, and also said that I am the worse widow on earth to go on with my grief.  Criticism is cruel. When married that long of 43 years is a big part of my life and I love and miss him a lot. I have been married for 43 years and did a lot of things together with him having one son who now is 37 in November. Others don't realise what is like to be a big part of their lives till they have passed away never come home again peeping around the corner at you.  Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent. If you ad up to what you do with a spouse you would come up with the answer. I mean you have children with your spouse, go on vacations, eat at the dinner table when they come home tired, sleep together, and so ad up what you do with your spouse and you will come up with the answer. My son had 35 years with his Dad and complains about it. He often says that he drove him to the rail way station to go to school, work in the shed, play with him, and do so many things that isn't there for others to notice as they take it all for granted. It's best not to take this for granted as you will miss them when they are gone.

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Glenys.  Deepest empathizes on your loss.   Everyone here knows the pain that others have not been touched by,

let me get this straight.  Your son, whose loss is different by association, is angry that he lost his father so young?  It is tragic, but shared by many people.  I hope he has some support beyond you as your grief is very different as you pointed out.  With our partners we stay together.  Children leave for their own lives.  Even coming back to visit is not a 24/7 relationship anymore.  

Now you are basically half the person you knew yourself as.  Over 4 decades shared with someone who knew you inside and out and vice versa.  I know I felt half of me died with my husband.  He had prostate cancer too.  It was a hideous demon.  I’ll never be that whole again without him.

you are not the worst widow in the world.  I never went to funerals or memorials even before Steve died.  Haven’t gone to any since he has.  His was a pizza and beer party for his buddies. Our grief is own own and not to be judged by anyone.  I’ve had people try and if they didn’t back off, they are booted from my world.  These are people that, I guess, mean well, but haven’t a clue as they toddle home to their spouse.  If you keep postin here you will find an amazing 'family' that will understand all you feel and will listen without judgement.  I’m sorry you are here because of why.  

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/21/2019 at 11:52 AM, Glenys Woods said:

43 years of marriage married on the 2nd of September 1974 and Colin passed away December 2017 with Mastastic prostate cancer and diabetes. The reactions of others have been as though that grief is a minor timetable but there isn't any timetable of losing a spouse. Being gentle with one self is vital. To go to a funeral just 10 months after Colin passed away to others I was selfish not to go, and also said that I am the worse widow on earth to go on with my grief.  Criticism is cruel. When married that long of 43 years is a big part of my life and I love and miss him a lot. I have been married for 43 years and did a lot of things together with him having one son who now is 37 in November. Others don't realise what is like to be a big part of their lives till they have passed away never come home again peeping around the corner at you.  Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent. If you ad up to what you do with a spouse you would come up with the answer. I mean you have children with your spouse, go on vacations, eat at the dinner table when they come home tired, sleep together, and so ad up what you do with your spouse and you will come up with the answer. My son had 35 years with his Dad and complains about it. He often says that he drove him to the rail way station to go to school, work in the shed, play with him, and do so many things that isn't there for others to notice as they take it all for granted. It's best not to take this for granted as you will miss them when they are gone.

I apologize for not responding to your post sooner...I did not see it, normally a thread is bold if there's something I haven't read, so not sure what happened here.

43 years is a long time to spend with someone, the adjustment must be huge.

You're not a kidding, we sure do miss them when they're gone.  I lost my husband 14+ years ago, we didn't meet until our mid40s and he turned 51 and bam, he's gone, just like that.  Being married to him was the happiest time of my life, we wanted to grow old together, we didn't get that...but I'm glad I got to know love and got to be married to him even if it didn't last long enough.  I have a feeling no longer how long it would have been, it never would have been enough.  

I hope you will continue to come here and post, we want to be here for you.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...