Identities

[Gwenivere]

 I got to thinking of all the roles I have had in my life.  

 

Daughter, sister, cousin, student, telephone technician, artist, volunteer, cook, shopper, house keeper, friend, lover, dog mom, wife, and so many others.  With the exception of blood ties, I was all of those with Steve.  I am now older than he was when he died.  I’ve never been alone to experience the extreme loneliness and intense craving for his providing purpose to this life.  I’ve never been alone in my life, ever. Someone once wondered here If they were more afraid of dying or dying alone.  My reaction was I am already dead.  I can’t fill the increasing voids.  I’m not a joiner.  I’m one on one, even in groups.  My life was complete by our being together.

 

There’s no guarantee with progeny.  I read about the times many of you have that reflects the relationship you and your love produced.  Some are heartbreaking, others are gifts.  We never had that, tho we tried. 

 

I’ve reached a place of missing physical intimacy only we shared.  It’s beyond the physical pleasure, tho I so miss that.  We lost that when he began treatment for cancer 10 years ago.  But he was here and I could do the girlie things women do.  I did them for me and him for how it made me feel like a woman.  I really don’t think of myself as a gender anymore.  I use the same stuff but it’s habit.  I’ve stopping dying my hair.  There’s no one to miss the blonde.  I had a dream last night and the man was my husband.  But when he tried to hug and kiss me, I was repulsed, it wasn’t Steve.  He didn’t smell right, make me tingly, it was awful.  I wanted to escape.  

 

So I don’t know what I accomplished writing this.  I’m so messed up physically and psychologically.   Maybe an exercise if I can coherently put someone together as I’m so fogged out.   This took 3 days to do.

[lostinavoid]

Gwenivere,
that's some serious insight to my own future.
but you are still playing a vital role right now.
you are staring in the roll of that aftermath, and you only have one person watching.
the people that witness this on earth, are not of any importance in your roll.

Regardless what anybody believes about the after life, spirits or what not. This is your challenge now,
testing your wits, reactions and responses to gut wrenching situations. That one viewer you have watching, is your soulmate, fused only threw pure love.
The afterlife is where finally our challenge will finish, with our beautiful spectator, applauding with tears in their eyes, at how resilient, strong, and damn beautiful we are, regardless of what color our hair may turn.
that bond never breaks, its just extended, the bond will never even tear one inch, no matter how far we may stray, that line is tethered in each heart, and they beat together. 
The spectator , regardless of how we act, think, feel will be there, waiting to reunite, if it was fused by the purest of love.
Now, it doesn't matter what happens in this limbo between, a little bit of time apart always makes for an unforgettable reunion.
The challenge now is emotional, raw and as real as it comes, and it relates to your loves ones with you, as a chain reaction was started 10 years ago when treatment commenced.
True test of inner power, intent and love. Both sides of the bond have scissors, and has the opportunity to go cold and cut the bond.  But only you know when, why or how that could be. 

Be Strong, Be you, Be proud and Be aware, your the master and commander now, and the spectators love a good show, they love to see there bond striving, Them little wins, triumphs, and victory's puts a big smile on their face, and when your on a roll, you may even hear a chant coming from the other end, Go Baby Go!, but of course that chant could be what ever relates to you two.

Take this how ever you need, or don't take it all, but my personal bond is only new, and god damn will i put on a a 6 star show for my spectator, they deserve nothing less, a blockbuster of epic proportions. 
we could be savages now, and it would be expected if we look at grief and history. no matter how brutal or shocking the rest of our performance turns out to be, true love shines in the end.

Goodluck Gwenivere, there no guides, manuals or scripts for us to follow now. This story is our own and unique. Own it. We see blank pages, but a beautiful novel will soon become evident.
 

[Gwenivere]

Lost, I’m not really sure how to respond to your post.  The main reason is I don’t have a belief there is something beyond this existence.  Faith, religion, spiritualism.  I would be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong.  And if I’m not, I’d never know.  My gut tells me I will never see Steve again and that is the agony of it all,   He believed there was something, but not in a religious way.  He didn’t know if he would see his parents, our dogs or it was becoming part of a collective of energy.  All I know is he felt more.  I don’t feel him or see anything that means a sign to me he is somewhere.  

Our novel is over as he was my life.  I do all the things we both did alone now because I have to.  Some I don’t because I can’t and they have no meaning.   To use an analogy, the pen has run dry.  I’m not writing a new one.  I’m into my 5th year alone after 4 years of being a caregiver for him.  9 years of mine my have been derailed and I exist in a world I have no purpose and believe me, I have tried.  You are new and I don’t want to repeat all the things I have place to thank as a haven to unburden with the family I’ve come to love here because they understand.  As they will anything you feel.  You are right, each of our journies are own and unique.  But we bond here.  

I read your other post and am so sorry you and your son have lost so much.  Wife, mother and problems where you work.  You have a shared heartache with him, but they are different.  I hope some healing comes with you having each other.  I’m appalled at how your wife was treated by the paramedics.  I have a panic attacks often and had doctors dismiss complaints knowing that.  I don’t know how one finds closure for how she was treated.

you will find so much support here.  I hope it will help knowing people care and will help you with anything you feel.

.

[lostinavoid]

i appreciate your honesty.  and your right to have the opinion to what you believe and do not believe in, nor will i try to persuade you. 
from the response, i see true love, as the rest of us do. 
true love is a rarity to find, extremely rare if partaken by both party's. 
i see a long battle in my future, which requires me to remember about this situation ALOT.
if i do not believe i will see her again, i have no use to strive, work or ...really anything as, it wouldn't make any difference in the history of time, when our demise comes, 
i have no world class talents, i am not a pop star for saving millions of people from diseases. 
i would like to add, i am not religious, i do not attend any church's, i barely do anything lets be honest but go to work put a fake face on just to take my mind away.
If i did not believe this, because lets face it, noone here can answer those questions, and honestly, i think the end is darkness. i think theres nothing, as i guess most non religious do.
But, why must we be followers of a certain outcome, when everything ever written is from people who have not experienced what they are writing about.
picturing the places we will meet again, how, if at all possible, can we converse? can we feel our touch again?, lets face it, probly not.
your religion is installed usually under the age of 8, by this stage, a child has been to enough events to be aware, and remember, and learn depending on the level of exposure they have been subjected to.

But i figure, that makes me happy, i feel warm and fuzzy at the sheer chance, that this is possible. and i believe i am wrong, who knows we may morph into out original 10000 year old forms and uncover that this life, we done well.
i know you cannot envision such a thing, but for one second, just try to imagine you to together , having a beautiful time, feel that hug, like really believe, because you know what, we both of theory's based on a myth, both have an even chance of being true.
But i would rather think, you know what, i will see you, nothing will stop me, i feel the hugs, a warm fuzzy feeling, a rest comes over my body, not everyone may experience things this way, and thats fine, i do not wish to alter your vision, but theres a high Chance that every explanation is right.
i dont gamble, i dont play the poker machines as iv seen the destruction they can cause, but this is one thing i will gamble on, because the more i think that slight chance is the one, the more i can feel her hugs.
We will only find out when were there, so untill then, any warm fuzzy calming feeling, im going to take, as there is not any to mention in this reality currently.
i sure hope im not staring into a vast black darkness, being aware of this but unable to do anything, but thats my luck anyway.
how amazing is the other option compared? while we are still here, why not embrace that fact, which eliminates the anxiety of possible not seeing them again, in theory, when we go, we go. which instills that belief, that this is not the end. id rather think i am, then convince my self that i am not. 
once again i appreciate your opnion and views, and would never be disrespectful to change your approach to anything, but it still remains, everything is possible.

 

[David s]

This post and replies both apply and confuse me maybe I just need to go try and sleep. Grief sucks and I don't believe in an afterlife but I know a lot do and if that helps you then go for it. I wouldn't and shouldn't push my disbelief or belittle someone else's. I do know that it seems no matter what someone believes I can almost always find something in common with almost all post and replies and I sure wish I knew how to help everyone that is going thru this. I guess I just try to find something that I can use as a foothold to help climb out of this pit then another to climb the mountains ahead

 

 I

[lostinavoid]

david, im sorry if you see this that way, in no way am i trying to be disrespectful, or trying to chance anyones mind to think like mine,

merely was giving the theoretical chances, as noone knows.

with all due respect, i dont want to be pushy, as everything i said there, is my dream, and it works, but it may not work for anyone else on this planet. 

was a thinking exercise more then anything, and the minds powerful.

If there was absolutely no chance of anything, we would have 1 belief. world wide. that there is indeed nothing.

personally, i would be inspired to hear other peoples visions or all our fears, this does not mean i will read this as i must change, as no one will make anyone change,

as i said im sorry if i came across this way, as i did not mean to disrespect.

if given the chance to feel that, i will do it, and some people will be able to do this, depending on which side of the grief round table you sit.

some people may not want to accept anything, as their grief lands on a different spectrum,  and all answers are correct

some are neutral, and will try absolutely anything to get any feeling back, even after prolonged periods of time

i shall not assume anybody needs this information, as nobody knows what chair there sitting at, and musical chairs is about to start.

but hey, why do we bother to do anything in life? usually its because we believe in ourselves to strive and succeed. 

i see millions of answers to every question, because there is a million different responses as we are indeed unique.

once again i am sorry,  i dont believe i crossed any lines here, i believe i gave suggestions that could be, or couldn't be, directing this at both ends of a spectrum, 

if you would rather grieve with the assumptions that are essentially mind made, you do that, if you want to believe thats the end, you do that to.

the end is your creation not mine, and we have all have the chance to make it as wacky, fun, angry or downright funny as we like, or as i said, believe in dark void of continual torment.

we also have the option to not listen to anything anyone has ever said, and write our own history, outcomes or possible terrible despair.

the only thing we all have in common, is our day will come. and its up to you what you choose, we lost our imagination at around 15, some never truly lose it.

we condition ourselves to what our eyes see, ears hear, touches and senses make up our immediate surroundings.  we are trained to think and act the way we do threw social values and 

beliefs, its no wonder we lost our imagination, because reality is just that. i dont ask anything of you, but the question here is, do you ask anything of yourself?

or do you believe the beliefs conditions by our reality, funnel fed down our throats from the first magazine we ever read. i dont want to know your outcome, beliefs on this

because they may or may not conflict with my own. and hey if your on that last chair, been threw the lot and tried it all, you still get the liberty to choose to believe. or choose not too.

 

[Gwenivere]

David, this is the beauty of this safe place.  We are all free to express our feelings and beliefs and never without judgement or to persuade anyone to change anything about their inner feelings.  It’s the banter, if you will, we can only have with people that are where we are because 'out there' most of us are symbols of what could and will happen to other couples.  I know people have changed in my world and would not say it to my face but are thinking 'I’m sure glad it isn’t me'.  

As you poke around and get to know everyone you’ll see we coexist quite harmoniously.  I also find it interesting what others think, feel and have found to deal with the pain.  It’s definitely take what you need and leave the rest.  It’s not disagreement, it is just differences.

I love this family here and the 24/7 hours.  Hope you slept well. 😴

[David s]

Hey I am sorry I was not saying anything negative nor did I take anything you said as a negative way. I liked your post like I said you can usually find something that helps or at least to think about in every post and reply. Sorry if I came across that way. 

[kayc]

So if faith is believing, that is what I have...it was a miracle George and I found each other, kindred spirits that fit together so perfectly...and if once, then surely again!  Nothing religious about it, I just believe...wasn't taught that by my parents but believed anyway, still do.  Marg, I'm hanging on to your mustard seed, I have nothing else!

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I love this family here and the 24/7 hours.  Hope you slept well.

Me too, Gwen, me too!  This place gets me through...