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how do we get back up, without closure?

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Hi, my names Wade, im 29 and i have a 5 year old son. This year has shaken our world and changed the outcomes of our lives.

In March, we lost our rock, our guide, the third piece of our family jigsaw puzzle. My partner of 10 years, my sons mother, passed away due to a sudden asthma attack at our family house.
Unable to help, and having to watch it all take place is a realm i wish no one enters.
Whats even worse, the paramedics came, before her fatal cardiac arrest, and mistreated my girl, because she was only 25 years old, fit and healthy in every other way, the paramedics assumed a panic attack and made her walk! to an elevator and down 6 stairs, even though she begged them not to move her, even though she told them 'i feel like i will die if you move me'
clearly if you cannot breathe, your going to panic right? this i will never understand.
The paramedics had all the information in front of them, they knew they were there for asthma, yet while inside they took no vital observations, did not monitor the heart, or even use a stethoscope. The assumption of a panic attack was made within the first minute of speaking with her, and that choice to move her without observations was fatal.
I am currently going threw investigations with the QAS and Health Ombudsman , which will prolong my experience even further.
I want to warn you all with loved ones with asthma. Asthmatics get good at living with their condition, so good they can hide and mask how bad they really are. My girl was an expert at this, and when the paramedics arrived she was able to converse in full sentences without a wheeze, this is 10 minutes before a cardiac arrest.
First assessment no one would know she had asthma, even though she said she was worried about it and wanted it checked up, but they didn't want that, they wanted her to walk to the ambulance so they could get her to hospital in case it was to progress.
Seems fair, but the moment she stood up, tears ran down her face and she knew it was not right, and begged for them to help her.
Arrogant young paramedics kept telling her to calm down, your asthma is fine there no wheeze, your just having a panic attack.
The way i see this, if she was 80 years old, and she said she feels like she will die, they would not have moved her and monitored until it was safe to proceed.

The asthma was there, and always the concern, but had the paramedics spent a bit of time and done an examination, they wouldn't have moved her, and maybe avoiding the arrest. maybe she still would of had this arrest regardless,  but we will never know.

Once the body moves, it requires more oxygen to the heart, just as if we were exercising.
Her airway was so blocked, but while in bed at home, she was able to manage as her heart was getting enough oxygen, just.
but once she was made to move, the body required more oxygen to the heart, heart beats faster to account for the effort required to move.
Once the heart reached a certain BPM, the airways where to blocked to allow the extra oxygen to the heart, causing it to stop. This in turn stopped the brain, at this time she was getting wheeled into the back of the ambulance on the stretcher she just walked to. CPR was commenced, she was brought back after 10 minutes of lifelessness.
that arrest is what took her life, no blood or glucose to the brain causes damage, where ever there is damage it results in swelling on the body.
When the brain swells, people can survive, but with permanent brain damage which would require 24 hour care.
She did not pass away due to the asthma, her lungs made a full recovery in hospital, she passed away due to the swelling, which could of all been avoided, if proper duty of care was applied.
Now, 4 months on, my son and i need each other more then anything in this world, we are glued together, hes back in school and i'm back at work to make ends meet. But i'm struggling with just continuing, how does one pick himself up, when i may never get closure, when someones else's split decisions decided my family's fate, then they dictate how the outcome will be, the little guy gets pushed to the side, and all of a sudden, its not even about the death, but about saving the top dogs positions.
The world is greedy, but i have the rest of my life to fight this, i will not be pushed out of the courts due to financial woes, which is what it seems they are preying on.

Bring it on!

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Welcome, Wade.  Words are often inadequate for such times and I am sorry for what you went through and are still going through.  Arrogant (un)professionalism is something that helped lead to the death of my partner, as well, so I do understand a little of what you are saying.  Closure was something I wanted and needed, and got some of that by pursuing a complaint against the worst offender with the state Board of Nursing.    The only thing they could really do was include the complaint in the nurse's professional files and if he screws up again, the new complaint and mine will be reviewed together and disciplinary action will then occur.  Should have occurred as a result of my complaint, in my opinion, but what do I know?  I only knew Mark for 18 years whereas this jerk knew him for 18 minutes.

Often times here all some of us can really do is click the little blue heart button to show our support.   I know others here will chime in soon.

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Wade, I have Asthma and you have just given me more information than any doctor has ever given me about it.  Perhaps it will save my life someday.

I am so sorry for your experience, that you and your son have lost the most important person in your lives, ripped away so young, in just a split second.  I wish you well in your fight in court.  She deserves her day.

How do you go on, that is the question all of us have asked, how do we continue when the biggest piece of our puzzle is missing?  I wrote this at about ten years out, the things that I've found helpful, I hope even one thing in it helps you, if not today, someday...the most helpful thing of all I've been told is taking one day at a time...but I want you to know also that finding this forum was a lifesaver to me.  It's been so helpful to know there are others that get it and understand.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.


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