Widowed brother wants family to take the place of his wife

[ruthiew]

My brother's wife died 18 months ago at the age of 65 after a long illness, and our mom died almost a year ago. My brother has social and general anxiety disorders; his wife ran their household. He has been diagnosed with complicated grief, and sees a therapist and psychiatrist. 

His son and daughter are both married, and live about 45 minutes away from him, and I am 90 minutes away. They visit him every weekend, and email and call twice a week. Both are expecting their first babies, one next week and one in January. I live with my husband and teenage son.

My brother emails us at least 20 times a day, and calls frequently, telling us how upset he is, that his circumstances are unlike anyone else's in the world, and that it is unfair that everyone in the family has a spouse but him. He expects a family member to drop everything to talk to him or drive him somewhere. He does still drive locally. We all love him and cannot stand to see him in pain, but his demands are affecting our lives and jobs. I offered to help him find a caregiver for a few mornings a week, but he refuses because he only will accept help from a family member. He told me that only family can replace his wife, and not a stranger. I think this is the main issue - he wants family to replace his wife, and we cannot do that. 

I helped him join an exercise facility and a local museum, but he stopped going to both of those places. I have suggested numerous hobbies, support groups, classes, etc., but he keeps saying he only wants to be with a family member. In fact, in almost every email, he tells me how lonely he is and then asks for suggestions on what to do that day. However, he finds something wrong with every idea I have. 

He has been worse lately, I think because he knows when the babies come that his son and daughter won't be able to visit him as often, and he is uncomfortable driving alone to their houses. He talked about moving closer to me so he won't be alone, but I think this is a bad idea. My marriage is strained because of the fact that my mom lived with us for a while, and I am still settling her estate. I don't think my marriage can stand taking on another person to care for. 

Does anyone have suggestions on how to help my brother? I am currently trying to cut down on the number of emails I respond to, because I don't want him to become dependent on me. I am a teacher, and when I return to work, I will not be able to respond during the day. He begins every communication by saying he is sorry to bother us but our families and bosses should understand because his situation is different, he is the only family member isolated and alone, or he is having an emergency.

 

Thanks for reading all this.

[scba]

Hello, I'm sorry about your brother's loss and the issues you and your family are dealing with. It's very, very, very difficult for us bereavers to understand and comprehend that life does go on. people eventually go back to their lives. It is not automatically. But one day you realise of it and you are thrown to the deepest of loneliness and aloneness. It is not a nice place to be. I'm not justifying your brother, I'm sharing my experience. Grief is a horrible experience to go through, no sugar coating in this. 

However, as much pain we are in, as much desperately we may be, we are entitled of nothing more than kindness and compassion and companionship. And help as far as people are able to, in a healthy way. Our pain doesn't make us to be the center of others universe. This is unrealistic, and it is not healthy. 

It might be still early to him to take an initiative and do something with his spare time, like hobbies or distraction. I took two years off work and spent a year blocked at home. I was in a lot of pain. It clouded my whole existence. 

If you feel you have done all you could, repeat him that you trust that time and counselling will help him. That you will support him. Empower him with your trust in that. I remember I needed that. 

Apart from surfing Marty webpage, she has lots of good resources, I suggest you to Google Megan Devine. She also has lots of advise about how to support a bereaved.

This is a very complex issue. 

 

[Kieron]

To Ana's great response, I would like to add something: for many men who are married to women, the wife becomes *the* primary person in their life, and when she goes, he's totally adrift.  Not all, of course, but many.  Very generally speaking, often guys have  more casual friendships than close relationships with others--again a huge generalization, but since I work in adult mental health myself, I observe human interaction (or lack of it!) all day long. 

Also, 18 months is still pretty early in the scope of the loss, especially for someone with mental health issues already, and he's going to have to lean on his providers more heavily now than ever to avoid driving off what we call "natural supports" (in other words, friends and family).

[kayc]

I HIGHLY recommend that he see a professional grief counselor...you did not say what type of therapy he is in and I am not sure if he's getting the help he needs...it doesn't appear he is.

It would also be good for him to try a grief support group, it might take a couple before finding the right one, but that way he'd meet other people going through similar experience, but perhaps handling it in a different way...they might be able to make suggestions to him that the family can't get through to him on.  As long as he thinks he is the only one in the world going through this, his response is going to be to the family, "You don't understand."  He can't say that to fellow grievers.

Ana has already given some good suggestions.  This site is ripe with materials, resources, etc.  I hope @MartyT will weigh in here with some suggestions.

Your brother is very fortunate to have such a caring and devoted family.  You are right, you have to put the health of your immediate family as priority, and so will his children.  

When my husband died, all my friends disappeared in the blink of an eye.  That is not uncommon.  My son was in the Air Force and my daughter was visiting me at the time...she rearranged her life to be with me for a while and gradually was here less and less.  I don't know what I'd have done without her, but within a few months I was on my own.  It was the start of the recession and I lost my job.  I finally got another job and a few years later I lost it...for the first time I experienced age discrimination.  After a year I got called back to work part time, and a year later my job dissolved.  I retired.  The first week I found out I needed a new roof.

Somehow I made it through all this and more.  I went through a broken right elbow with a stick shift car, no help from anyone.  I went through surgery and recovery alone.  It can be done although not easily and certainly not fun.  Our attitudes and outlook weigh in heavily, but I kid you not, it's tough being alone.

I also recommend he see his doctor about any sleep or anxiety issues.

I volunteer at a senior site, I highly recommend he start visiting one and getting to know the people, many of whom are widowed.  It will give him something to look forward to, some interaction, the food isn't that great but it's the social interaction most of us go for.  I don't know if he goes to church but they can be helpful too.  Ours has a "coffee break" Tuesday - Friday and that is very helpful to senior and disabled people.

Basically after a loss like this, it takes rebuilding your life, new contacts, support, daily interactions.  It'll take effort on his part.

I wrote this a few years ago of the things I'd found that helped me.  I hope you can print it for him...it may not speak to him now but something may leap out at him on down the road.  The best advice I got was to take a day at a time...it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you life changes this drastically overnight.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[MartyT]

My dear, the only suggestion I can add to the solid ones you've received from our members is this: You might encourage all the family members involved here to meet together as a group, and then "brainstorm" together some of the ways you all might deal with your brother's situation and his needs. Consistency is key, it seems to me, in how you respond to your brother (that is, who can do what for him and how often, for example), so that you're all in agreement as to what support is reasonable and fair, given all the other family responsibilities you all have. Although the situation is different, you may find this article helpful: In Grief: Setting Clear Boundaries ♥

[ruthiew]

Thank you everyone for your help. I am taking some time this afternoon to explore many of your suggestions and resources. One more question - I found out my brother is not being honest with his therapist and psychiatrist. He told me he does his best to be calm and upbeat during his sessions for fear of being admitted to the hospital. I suggested to him that is part of the reason he cannot begin to break free from his cycle of grief. I also told him he is not going to be hospitalized unless he has suicidal thoughts ( he doesn't), or he is so incapacitated that he cannot leave his home, which he is not. Is there any way to convince him that by not discussing his symptoms he is not getting the appropriate support?

My brother did attend a grief support group, but he stopped going. His therapist recommended that he see a grief counselor, but he refuses. He cannot find one in his insurance network, although I know he can afford the cost. He was never a church goer, but he did feel the call to join his wife's church last year.  In fact, he has lunch with the minister once a month. He tells me that the congregation is young and mostly couples, (actually, he is convinced the whole world is comprised solely of couples, but I imagine that is just  how it feels to him right now) so there is no opportunity for social interaction. As a deacon at my own church, I have a hard time believing there is nothing for him, and I have urged him to ask the minister what is available.

My brother has recently received several invitations to go out for a meal with different friends, but he turned them down.  Then he goes out to eat (he eats every meal out because he doesn't cook and because he doesn't like being alone in his house) and complains that he is the only customer eating alone. Additionally, his diet is terrible, and he often skips breakfast. We talked about the effects of diet on his physical and mental health. Skipping breakfast could definitely contribute to his fatigue and nausea.

I like the idea of boundaries. I did try to establish some when my family was on a church mission trip. I told him he could write me once a day, and that I would answer in the evening. I also told him to include one positive comment in every correspondence. He did pretty well, but the last day I received five emails pleading me to write back at a specific time. I managed to stick with our preestablished guidelines, although it is difficult to hear so much pain and remain silent. 

Thank you again for all the support and encouragement.

 

[MartyT]

It sounds as if you're doing the very best you can under very trying circumstances, my dear, and I would encourage you to continue as you are. Since your brother does have lunch once a month with his minister, would that be a person you could talk with, to share some of your concerns and agree on some consistent approaches you all can take?

Given how you describe him, I'm not surprised that an in-person grief support group did not appeal to him. You say that his therapist encouraged him to see a grief counselor, which tells me that his therapist knows that s/he is neither skilled nor qualified to address the source of your brother's distress. You also ask is there is any way to convince him that he's not being helped if he withholds his true feelings from his therapist. You might share this article with him (you can send him a link to it, via email) if you think he will read it: Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? ~ and notice the additional resources listed at the end. ♥

[kayc]

Good article on boundaries, Marty.  I hadn't read that one before.

Ruth, it sounds like he is self-sabotaging.  Unless he is willing to take positive steps for himself, he is going to be miserable.  No one else can do this for him.  You can all be his support, to a limit, but it's up to him to take the steps to help himself...accepting people's invitations, getting grief counseling, trying a grief support group where he can meet and establish relationships with other widowed people that will help him feel not so alone in this.  Has he always been this way, throwing up stops at every suggestion?  Negative?  Or has it just been since his loss?

[Ren123]

I think if you initiate contacting him or send notes and inspirational cards he will call less because he will feel less alone. Offer time , but have boundaries when you are available. I am a widow too and I visit my family a lot. Its helpful. Also inviting hi. For dinner occasionally or have him cook a meal. 

[kayc]

I don't think he cooks.  He doesn't seem very self sufficient, he wants to look to the family for everything.  He has to reach a place where he tries to do for himself even just a bit.  Honestly, we can't fix someone else or meet all their needs, it's not healthy for them or for us, it's draining and overwhelming.  He can't see anything but his grief right now.  If only he'd see a grief counselor but he won't even do that.  She's in an impossible situation as is, all she can do is determine her boundaries of what she can/can't do, how much time she can devote to him, and adhere to those boundaries.  They're all trying to help him but he doesn't seem to be feeling less alone. 

[ruthiew]

So his daughter's baby arrived Saturday afternoon, a beautiful healthy granddaughter. Unfortunately, my brother has been worse since her arrival, understandably because he cannot share the joy with his wife. But my brother's demands are becoming more extreme and irrational. When the baby came, my husband was at work, and I was getting ready to take my son to work. My nephew was at work, and my nephew's wife was at a baby shower she had planned for a friend, but they told my brother they would take him to see the new baby the next day. My brother called me on the phone and began yelling at me that he refused to eat dinner alone the day his granddaughter was born, that he was no longer considered a part of the family, and that someone should have called out of work or canceled their plans to be with him. His exact words were " you all should cater to me and drop everything to come to me because I am alone and you all have spouses. " Later I found out that a friend had invited him to her house the day the baby came, but he turned down the invitation because he wanted to be with a family member.

I am taking my brother to see the baby this Sunday. He wants my nephew to take him to see the baby Saturday, and he wants me to set up the visit. I said I cannot ever take on the role of the middle person, and that he or my nephew needed to arrange the visit. My brother wanted my help because he cannot text on his phone and he wanted to know the answer at that very moment instead of waiting for a reply. He said he refuses to spend even one day only this weekend, and that he also plans to start begging people to invite him somewhere on Labor Day - not Labor Day weekend, it has to specifically be Monday 9/2. 

I will try the idea of inspirational cards or notes. I asked my brother for permission to talk with the minister or if he would sign the forms to let me speak with his therapist and doctor, but he does not want to do that. I am just worried he will alienate his kids and will miss out on time with his grand babies. We have suggested some boundaries, and I told him when he sees his therapist this week to ask for some input regarding the guidelines discussed by our family.

Thanks again for letting me vent!

[Gwenivere]

I take his wife was the 'in law'.  I don’t like to label people’s behavior like your brother, but they are a family in grief too.  IMO, he should be reaching out to them in their sorrow if she has family.  Not to impose on them, but in her memory.  Does he talk to any of you about her?  Or is it all about him?  A person died and they are the center of this.

i truly don’t know how I would handle this but it’s good you removed yourself as the middleman to start.  I’d suggest pointing him to us, but it sounds like he would not consider it, which is a shame because the people here truly get how it feels.  Many, like myself, have absolutely no one in real life to lean on.  And the ones that have very few know you will drive them away if you aren’t considerate and appreciative.  

[kayc]

I agree with all Gwen has said.   I've never heard of a person grieving being quite so "over the top".  It's going to be essential to have those boundaries in place, and your plans sound the best they can be with these circumstances.  He really needs to realize the entire world does not evolve around him and his demands, even if he is grieving.  Everyone has lives and commitments and you all are doing your best.  It doesn't seem he acknowledges that. 

My mom was also over the top, controlling, everything centered on her.  The books that helped me in dealing with her and my dad were EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, TOXIC PARENTS, BOUNDARIES, and ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS.  I'd highly recommend EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL in your situation.  They often don't realize they're doing it, but this book talks about how to recognize and handle it, with boundaries.  Great book, it changed my life!  And it did not hurt my relationship with my mom, it actually preserved it.  

I wish you well going forward and CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby!  They are such a blessing.

Book found here:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=emotional+blackmail&qid=1565196871&s=gateway&sr=8-1