My husband killed my pug

[Noizy]

I am just now, after one month even able to type this. I can’t come to terms with it, I don’t know how to cope with my complex emotions about my dogs terrible death. One month ago my husband accidentally left our pug dog on our back deck in 90 plus degree heat while he was doing yard work, then he went to Home Depot. When he returned home our dog was dead in the blazing sun . His paw had even lost its skin because the deck was so hot. I’m devastated. I’m so upset that my dog died such a horrible death after such a long life. I am so angry with my husband for this tragic mistake. I am in such despair. I have so much guilt and embarrassment about how my little pug died. I’m so ashamed. I haven’t left my house or spoken to anyone in over a month. I just don’t know how to deal with this anger and loss.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.  I hope you aren't verbalizing this to your husband, I'm sure it was a mistake he feels horrible about.  I hope it doesn't drive a permanent wedge between you...I know how hard it'd be to move past this because I love my dog more than anything in the world and I hear you that you fell the same.  How can we not?  They're God's greatest blessing to us imho.

Have you tried contacting a grief counselor, they have ones that specialize in pet loss. Read: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/finding-support-for-pet-loss.html

Marty recently posted this:
 https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/12/pet-loss-coping-with-trauma-of.html

I thought of you with these:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/10/pet-loss-when-nothing-eases-pain.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201703/my-pet-died-and-i-cant-stop-crying

Have you done something to memorialize your dog?  It can be anything from planting a rose bush, making a shadow box with his collar, picture, favorite toy, a memorial stone, I have bought ones for my pets and also one for my husband where I spread his ashes.  It helps to have a place to come to and honor them.

It helps to express yourself, so I hope you'll keep coming here where you can find others that hear you and acknowledge your grief.  We're listening...and care.
My own dog is dying of cancer, it's not looking like he has much time left but so far I've been able to coax him into eating...every day he eats is another day I have him.  But that only goes so far, it's wide spread, he's not a candidate for surgery and chemo won't help, so it's palliative care...

You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Broodge]

I don't know the state your marriage was in before this but events like this can start a rift in even the most solid marriages that can lead to even more loss. You can act to prevent this by finding a counselor now, either couple or indivdual depending on what feels right. Grief Healing also has links to local resources.

The way I see it, there are 2 tasks in front of you - one is feeling the whole ball of wax: the anger, your own guilt, the pain of imagining what your pug experienced, etc. This has to do with your own grief, not necessarily interaction with your husband.

The second is one I recommend to keep the grief from creating more in your relationship. That would be to sit in a quiet place once a day and imagine yourself as your husband and what he might be feeling. Then notice in what ways it is different from what you feel, or perhaps the same in some places. Do you think it is less, more, or the same as what you are going through.

In such a devastating situation, you need all the care you can get. Maybe at some point, you can give it to each other.

My deep sympathy on your loss.

[Guilt_beyond_imagination]

What a horrible tragedy.  Your husband must be feeling awful.  This is something that can strain your relationship. I have gone through the strain from our loss. Not the same situation, but my husband was part of it. It has put a strain on us. As it is, he grieves in his own way, so I am not receiving sympathy in the way I need it. I can't imagine what you went through and are going through. I relive my loss over and over. You must be experiencing the same feelings. I wish I could say all the right things. I still grieve after 8 months.  I rely on signs and messages such as Cardinals. I don't normally have Cardinals near me, but there has been one, and only one. I've read it is a message or sign from our loved one. I can only hang onto that belief. I have nothing else. I am so sorry for what you have been through.  Your husband must be grief-stricken, too. I hope you both can work it out. I am still trying with my own husband. It's a task.  

My thoughts are with you.  

~ Parker's Mom

[kayc]

It's important to recognize that he didn't intend this to happen and to forgive him.  Otherwise you've lost not only your dog, but also your marriage.  No one can take being blamed/hated for months long periods of time.  Important to get on same page grieving, instead of working against each other.

[MartyT]

It's also important to recognize that we all grieve differently, and just because someone isn't reacting the same way we would does not mean that he or she is not hurting too. See, for example, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[kayc]

That wasn't what I meant, I realize we grieve differently.  What I meant about getting on the same page was understanding this was an ACCIDENT and not continuing to blame him all these months later, which can leave her not only without her dog, but her husband as well. At any rate, she hasn't been back to read what we wrote.