Activity or the lack of it...

[Jackie - Richard]

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[kayc]

It's terrible isn't it?  The deafening silence, the lack of another in our space...oh yes, things change.  Although I don't miss going to work, I'm finding that growing old is not the pot of gold.

[Jackie - Richard]

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[Kacy]

Jackie,

I can so relate to everything you are saying.  I lost my husband in March, one month shy of our 46th wedding anniversary.  I feel like my life has no purpose anymore.  There is no direction in my life now.  Just one day after another.  You're so right that we take our lives for granted.  Even the smallest things like planning what we're going to do for the day.  Now, there is no one to do that with.

I, too, have lost 4 of my dogs that I loved dearly.  In 5 years, I lost them all and then lost my husband.  We have had many dogs over the years and we loved them all, but these 4 were just extra special to us.  I have 4 others now that I love, but again, those 4 I loved just a little more.  They all died from heart disease, which is common in the breed and one also had lung cancer, which is what my husband died of.  He also died on the day we had lost one of our dogs that we had for years before we adopted these 4.

Some days, it's just so hard to try to understand why they were all taken away.

Mary

 

[Jackie - Richard]

 

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[Kacy]

Some days, it all just seems so unreal.  Did it all really happen?  It's like a never ending bad dream.  I can't begin to look to the future because I feel like there is no future.  I have family and friends, but it's not the same.  We did everything together, so even going to the store is difficult.  I have to push myself to do even that.  Thankfully, my son is home every other week for a few days and that gets me moving, at least while he's here.  On other days, I probably wouldn't move at all if I didn't have to take care of the dogs.

I wonder, too, about staying in this house.  I'll stay for now, but I don't know if I'll be able to maintain it in years to come.  My son helps, but I don't want to put that burden totally on him.  And like you, if I moved, I don't even know where I would go.  I can't imagine moving away, but I understand about the memories involved with places nearby.  There are several restaurants and places I just don't go anymore.  Too many memories there and people who would ask about my husband, not knowing that he passed away.  So, just better to avoid it all.

Jackie, I hope at some point when you are settled in a new place that you are able to have a dog again.  Even though I don't feel quite the closeness with my current dogs, mostly because they're more independent than my others, I do know that it would be unbearable here without them.

I think for now, the biggest hurdle is just motivating myself to do anything.  I do enough to keep things up, but not much more.  There just seems to be no point in any of it anymore.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

It does get better with time, it takes quite a while to build a life you can live.  Unfortunately, it's always changing, new challenges to face, new losses to endure.  I built a life with my dog and now he's gone too.  I don't at this point have anything to look forward to, but I am going to have to figure it out along the way.  When I first lost George, I couldn't even get groceries, it was something we always did together, we traveled out of town to get them, visited friends, got a pizza...it was way too painful after I lost him and the friends disappeared.  I have a young neighbor I'm going to have to get more acquainted with, she's younger than my kids but  she's really been here for me in the loss of my dog.  Having even small things to look forward to can help.  I signed up for Women's Retreat (through my church) at the coast, it'll be the end of Sept., I haven't been able to go for years because my dog was special needs, not easy to get someone to take care of him...although I'd much rather have him back with me and would gladly take care of him the rest of my life.  But I guess what I'm saying is we can only try to make the best of things.  We can only play the best we can with the hand we're dealt, I just don't know why some are dealt a good hand and others get one that sucks.  I've learned not to ask why though, never got any answers anyway.

Sending you and everyone else who is struggling (((hugs))).

[Gwenivere]

Mary, your post went right to my heart.  You described so much of what I am feeling coming up on 5 years.  I’ve had all that time to try and find purpose and meaning again and failed.  But faile only because I had it once and it cannot be replaced.  I’m glad you have your son.  We had no kids, only fur babies and they are the only thing that gets me out of bed.  I haven’t been back to places we ate since he left.  I do still have to shop, but it not the same by what I buy and the times he would go with me.  When I went alone I’d find things as surprises for him but now just have to pass so many things by.  

You last sentence says it all.  There just seems to be no point of it (anything) anymore.  I realized yesterday big time I’m not a part of anything anymore.  I’m just a visitor now in other people’s anything’s.  All around me is laughter, talking, life going on.  Most of my connections out there are medical, same with calls.  Never ever saw this coming.  

Now I am 5 years older and need help.  Thought we’d grow older together.  I love and hate this house.  Love it’s so us and all we did to make it that way, hate it’s so us but so dead of life force. He’s all around me except physically.  Living in memories and reminders cuts thru me every waking moment.

[kayc]

44 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I had it once and it cannot be replaced.

That is true, it is not the same,it never will be, but I can't look at that, it's unbearable to.

[Gwenivere]

I need a set of those blinders, Kay.  

[Jackie - Richard]

 

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[Kacy]

 

Jackie, it's too bad that we are all so far away from each other because I think the support would be wonderful for all of us if we were closer.  Even though each of our circumstances is different, there is that (unfortunate) common bond among us.

Is there someone back home that could help in finding a new place?  Maybe look at them for you so they could narrow it down to a few for you to look at?  Or contacting a realtor in the area you are thinking of relocating to would be a start.  Moving is always such a stressful ordeal, but at least you would then be in a spot where you want to live.

I understand how overwhelming it all must seem right now.  Planning anything beyond today can sometimes be overwhelming to me.  Maybe keeping your goal in mind will help.

Once you get settled in your new place, a local rescue group could help find a dog that would work for you.  Or maybe a service dog that could help with the MS?

Everything seems so uncertain in our lives now that we've lost our spouses.  So many questions about the future....

Kay, I'm sure it was hard to work thru starting a new life after losing George.  I know you've mentioned about having to do things on your own to keep your place running, so that certainly is an accomplishment.  It's wonderful that you have this neighbor now to visit with.  I'm so glad she was able to be there for you with Arlie.  It's good to have someone closeby.  And I know you've been active in your church.  It'll be nice to get away for the retreat. 

Gwen, I've read many of your posts in the last few months and can relate to so much of what you have written.  When life pretty much revolves around one person and then that person is no longer here, it's like someone pulled the rug out from underneath you.  Here I sit this morning with no clue of what I'm going to do today.  I'll probably force myself to clean house because my son will be home for the week, and I want to get it done before he gets here.  But if it wasn't for that, I'd  have to push myself to do anything.  I don't know how to get past that. 

I went a couple of months ago with a friend to a grief support group.  It was very emotional for both of us. She lost her husband several months before I lost mine.  I would have preferred individual counseling but that particular grief center only had a male counselor, and I really feel like I'd rather go to a female.  Since then, I've found a female grief counselor and will be going there on Tuesday.  I had already made plans with my friend to go to the monthly support group, which is on Wednesday, so will be going to that also.  In one way, I feel like it won't do much good because it can't change the one thing we want it to.  But I don't know what else to do.

Mary

[kayc]

Jackie, I know you haven't lived there long, but is there a neighbor who could drive you?  Do you have a church that could help you?  Being independent and suddenly find yourself in need of help is hard.  A service dog would be good.  

[Jackie - Richard]

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[kayc]

I'm sorry that is your experience.  I know churches vary greatly, even within the same denominations.  I wish so much that you were here, we'd look after you.  (((hugs)))

[Jackie - Richard]

 

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