Several difficult first

[KarenK]

Gwen, what you said about jumping reminded me of a horrible thing that happened where I worked many years ago. A young man(about 15)came to visit his father and instead of leaving afterward, he found his way onto the roof of this 26 story secure(by badge only) building and jumped into the courtyard below. Needless to say, he was no more. I didn't know the father or the story behind it, but it was so sad. Such a young soul to feel the need to end it. May he rest in peace.

[Gwenivere]

Teenagers are a high risk age.  Don’t have the life experience and usually keeping things to themselves so don’t get counseling.  Plus the are so susceptible to how others see them.  It’s even scarier in the world of Facebook and other social media.  Also many of the meds for it are black boxed for that age.  This isn’t to invalidate what adults experience as both Marg and I have thought of that option.  But we could see the ripples it would cause and seek help without worry of stigma.  We could see the effect it would leave.  Marg more so than me with her family. 

[widow'15]

Johnny:  Am hoping you have gotten through the pain of the First Anniversary of the loss of Rene'e.  Seattle had a beautiful sunny clear day today that hopefully helped you feel Rene'e is there with you.   Warm peaceful thoughts to you and Rene'e.  Dee

[Johnny]

Yes Dee, it was a beautiful clear day here in Seattle.

Saw the Christmas tree on top of the Space Needle.

Looked at I and Rene'e pictures when I could on my phone while I was working on the Ship. Working helped my get through the day and I think she would have been proud that I was able to be productive, It is hard, like Kieron said, it feels like a chapter of my life has come full round, she is gone and I still remember the day.

Almost like grieving over my wife's loss and grieving over the past year and how much it has changed without her by my side.

I have had good thoughts today as well; remembering the good times long enough to smile.

Thank you for the warm peaceful thoughts and reminding me of the love we shared, Johnny 

[Johnny]

Today is the 8th of December-

I remember the day I brought my wife home. Dec. 10th, I got a call from the funeral home saying I could go pick up her ashes. I had been awaiting the call, but it was my chance to bring my baby home. Nothing in this world has ever been harder than that day. I think about that day and all the days that have come since. I feel everyone here and sometimes I know that there just are no words.....

Johnny

[Gwenivere]

That’s why we are all here, Johnny.  The place we don’t need words because we all understand the language of grief.  It’s like we became bilingual in a flash.  So many days now changed as memories hit us.  Steve’s were delivered.  A box I never wanted because it was a confirmation of what was over.  Every day is a reminder.  That is one date I don’t have etched in my memory.  I’m so sorry you do.  It’s so hard that each day can have significant meaning.  Last night was date night again. That’s 260+ in over 5 years that keep racking up.  Today would have been food shopping.  Every day was conversation and meals.  But no one here needs a reminder of all this.  We live it every day, week, month, year.  That what makes this a safe place from all those out there that look at us like we are speaking another language.  We are.  

[kayc]

Johnny, sometimes there are no words...this is one of those times.  I, too, am glad I don't remember the exact date.

[widow'15]

Johnny:  I understand what you are feeling as  you brought Rene'e home.   I can remember bringing my husband home, but don't recall the date without looking in paperwork.  I had to do this on my own since there was no one else I could ask to do this trip.  I had had so many mix ups in this process, it was a relief that he was back home with me finally.  His ashes are in a beautiful wooden chest that sits in our bedroom, with his picture of happier times placed on top.  I talk with him on good days, and on bad days.   Dee  

[Johnny]

I only had two months with my dear wife Rene'e-

You all are so very lucky.

try to imagine, ….

[Johnny]

Married Oct. 6th, 2018....bringing her home for the last time on Dec. 10th, 2018

Quote

 

 

[kayc]

And I thought ours was cut all too short...3 years 8 months.  A drop in the bucket.

[widow'15]

Johnny: No, I can't even to begin to imagine such a brief time spent with someone you loved so deeply.  It never seems fair when some are given long, happy lives together, and others like you and Rene'e are allowed a few months.  How heartbreaking for you.   Dee 

[Kieron]

On 12/8/2019 at 3:23 AM, Gwenivere said:

It’s like we became bilingual in a flash.

Wow, Gwen, that's a profound analogy if there ever was one.

[Johnny]

All I wanted was to have a family of my own. Fifty two years of living alone only to finally fall in love and plan a marriage, get married with all my family and friends present, and have it all taken away right before we were to have our very first Christmas together. I spent last Christmas in an empty house alone, starring at the half decorated tree my wife and I had started working on together, and crying each and every day since.

I will never know another happy Christmas.

it would have been better off for me if my life had ended on the day she passed away.

[kayc]

Oh Johnny, I know your feelings all too well, I've lived the changes it meant for my life, I wish you could have had her longer, so unfair!  I never dreamed I'd survive this and go on to live into old age without him, but here I am.  I pray I don't have to live into my 90s but fear I will.  Thirty years alone will be well enough I'd think. 

 

[widow'15]

On 12/13/2019 at 8:26 PM, Johnny said:

I will never know another happy Christmas.

it would have been better off for me if my life had ended on the day she passed away.

Johnny:  Your never knowing another happy Christmas is so clear in your thinking right now and so understandable.  Losing your Rene'e so suddenly after you found her is so tragic.  I realize it is normal to think about what your future will be without her.  The loneliness during other times of the year are magnified during this Christmas Season.  I try to take one day at a time in my grief and get through each day and not look past the day.  It is hard enough looking at the day in front of me.  

I too have told myself it would have been better for me if I couldn't have been taken the same time as my dear husband.  And then, I remember I have a small family that if I was taken would not be able to withstand another loss and I have to try to gain the daily strength somehow to get through one more miserable day. 

Keeping you in my thoughts.  Take care,  Dee

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

I try to take one day at a time in my grief and get through each day and not look past the day.  It is hard enough looking at the day in front of me.  

I have a small family that if I was taken would not be able to withstand another loss and I have to try to gain the daily strength somehow to get through one more miserable day.

I so relate to that first sentence.  Life has so changed in how we see days now.  It wasn’t good or bad right off the bat before, it was waking up and just going.  Whatever happened was dealt with or relished.  Most thought was only given to days with something scheduled that was something we had to get thru like pounding on roof or yay!  Someone else is trimming the yard trees!  Life was spontaneous for the most part around each of our commitments to volunteering or music jams in the afternoons.  

The second sentence is where a lot of my darkness is.  I would be missed by a few people, but it wouldn’t really affect anyone significantly.  That was never something I thought about til it happened to me.  I don’t affect anyone’s daily life anymore.  Odd thing is that while I don’t hear from most of Steve’s friends much, when I do they always talk about him as he was so personable.  I think my passing would be a surprise for a short time and then over.  They say you are still alive if people keep talking about you.  Steve sure has that.  I have one cousin in NM that would mourn me longer.  That’s it.  Steve’s family is just his brothers clan and a couple of nephews from his sister.  None have any communication with me.  You have the magic word.....family.  

[MartyT]

26 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t affect anyone’s daily life anymore.

Not true, Gwen. You are affecting each and every member with your presence and participation here, each and every day. I know that it's virtual, but this GH family is just as real as any other ~ and you are most certainly one of our most loyal and valued family members ❤️

[Gin]

Absolutely, Gwen!!

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I so relate to that first sentence.  Life has so changed in how we see days now.  It wasn’t good or bad right off the bat before, it was waking up and just going.  Whatever happened was dealt with or relished.  Most thought was only given to days with something scheduled that was something we had to get thru like pounding on roof or yay!  Someone else is trimming the yard trees!  Life was spontaneous for the most part around each of our commitments to volunteering or music jams in the afternoons.  

The second sentence is where a lot of my darkness is.  I would be missed by a few people, but it wouldn’t really affect anyone significantly.  That was never something I thought about til it happened to me.  I don’t affect anyone’s daily life anymore.  Odd thing is that while I don’t hear from most of Steve’s friends much, when I do they always talk about him as he was so personable. 

Steve’s family is just his brothers clan and a couple of nephews from his sister.  None have any communication with me.  You have the magic word.....family.  

Gwen:  You may not have a family as I, but like Marty said we here are your family, maybe a little kooky at times, but you need to know we care so much how and what you say.  I doubt if I affect anyone's daily life anymore other than my Maddie.  She needs my care and attention.  My two children don't live close by.  I don't feel I should share my sadness with them as they are sill dealing with their own grief in their way.   My laptop is my closest family when I'm looking for encouragement and insight on my grief.

My husband was the "personable" one in this family as you said Steve was.  And now that my husband is gone I am seldom if never included in his cousin's busy lives or our friend's lives.    The same goes with my children interacting with his cousins - all are busy or too spread out throughout the area.  My sister-in- law living in Portland is included in this group.  We might talk on phone a few times a year and maybe see each other twice a year.

I'm glad your part of this group more than you realize.  Take care, Dee. 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you everyone.  This helped so much to come home to and didn’t know was here til after I cleared out part of a closet like a mad woman of medical crap prescribed for me I don’t use.  I had picked up an RX I doubt I will take from possible side effects.  I needed a frustration release.  I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.  I love this kooky family.  ❤️❤️❤️

[kayc]

Dee your response to Johnny was so spot on.  Gwen, I have felt as you do even though I know my son would always miss me even though I'm not part of his everyday life anymore.  Now I have this little pup I have to live for as I will be all important in his life.  Kitty doesn't seem like she cares beyond getting food and shelter but she may more than she lets on.

I know it's not the same as having that spouse that loves and cares for us.  We've all been missing that for a long time.  But lack of affirmation in our life does not mean we're without value, we're just as valuable as when they were with us, we just don't have anyone telling us anymore.  And Marty is right, you make a difference to US.  You guys ARE my extended family, I know many can't understand that, but they don't get what they haven't experienced.  You guys are the ones I turn to and pour my heart out to.

[Gwenivere]

On 12/16/2019 at 8:03 AM, kayc said:

I know it's not the same as having that spouse that loves and cares for us.  We've all been missing that for a long time.  But lack of affirmation in our life does not mean we're without value, we're just as valuable as when they were with us, we just don't have anyone telling us anymore. 

I understand the point you are making.  Having given it more thought, yes, we all have value.  My inner feeling IS that feeling you only get from a spouse/closest friend/lover/etc.  Without that I don’t see how one can ever feel complete within.  There is an emptiness that can’t be filled they created.  That was filled as a child by my parents.  When I lost them, Steve was in my life.  Best friends never quite filled it entirely.  To have it so empty for the first time ever in my life is devastating.  

I get told I have value where I volunteer and from my cousin as we are all we have left of the original family.  She has her kids and grandkids tho so more input on it.  She helps fill some, but it’s still a big void.  It’s not just hearing him say it, it’s having him here that did it.  But he can’t be so it’s always forging a trail that leads to the unknown as it has never been traveled before.  Lots of times it’s just going in circles.  That’s it.  I lost my compass in this wilderness.  I can’t call out for direction losing sight of him.  I’d never get an answer if I did.  

The holidays and ongoing med crap just adds to the weight of it all.  I truly try to see and validate the happiness for others.  Doing a few little things for people I know.  But it hurts.  I’m more comfortable doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom.  I saw the worst traffic accident ever yesterday and a man about 50 died.  A woman was critical and another only scrapes.  Those people got up, did their thing andhad no idea what was coming.  I was just speaking of the value of life with someone and I think of their poor families.  I’m assuming they have one.  One little thing altered and it wouldn’t have happened.  We that had sick spouses didn’t have that variance.  Sudden death has its own hell on earth impact.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not.  I know I have value, just not the way that is warm and fulfilling, so I try and wear a lot of emotional blankets.  I tell ya, I have lots of layers on and I’m still cold.  ☹️

Edited December 17, 2019 by Gwenivere
A little added thought on accident

[kayc]

I hear what you're saying and I agree...it's like the feeling I got when George held me was it was the best place in all the world to be...I haven't had that feeling since he died.

[brat#2]

Gwen, you explained it perfectly and that is how I am feeling too, can't get past that empty feeling inside.