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Jackie - Richard

I keep begging for forgiveness...

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Oh Hon, those things are forgotten, we all say/do some things we regret, all of us, but when you love someone, you accept each other, foibles and all, and you know Richard loves you just as you know God does.  Yes he does know how much he means to you...honestly, I believe they have a knowing now that is superior to what they knew when limited to their physical selves.  I pray my Arlie also knows I didn't want to euthanize him, I love him with all my heart and wish I could have had forever, but someday we will and we'll never have to say goodbye.

(((hugs)))

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As Marty put it, we sacrificed for them...their pain for ours, it's what you do when you love someone.

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17 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

Please somebody put me out of my misery...All who believe in God, ( as i do, )  please tell me that all my crying, talking to God, talking to my Richard is being heard and i will be forgiven for nasty things i had said to my Richard over the years that i now know i didn't mean... I was very hurtful to him, i said some nasty and hurtful things that i now keep telling him i never meant them, that i did, i do love him, and i do, i have always wanted him...I just keep praying for a sign from God-Jesus, or even Richard, telling me Richard is hearing me, and only then will i be at some form of peace..At the moment i am just torturing myself each and every day, and it is getting worse, as i am continually asking for forgiveness and i want my Richard to know how sorry i am, and that i Did love him, i Do love him, i Always have, i Always will...You see, he always believed that i never wanted him, things i had said to him over and over again...now he will never know how much he meant, means to me, its too late now to tell him face to face...This is hurting me so much, just breaking my heart..I now know how much i meant to him, he always wanted me even after the way i treated him...i just wish i could get that sign that God, Richard is hearing me and forgiven me...

Jackie..

Jackie,

 You are still so new in your grief, your anguish reminds me of how much acute pain I was in when my wife died suddenly without warning.  Nothing in my life prepared me for that Shock and AWE.  I kept looking for reasons, excuses, something i missed, I forgot to do that may have killed my wife. 

I was her caregiver for the last six years of her life.  I loved her beyond life itself.  We are soulmates. It took some time and working through this grief steps and  healing journey that I came to realize that all of this "what if" and "If only.." still wouldn't bring my beloved, Rose Anne, back into my life.  Her death was beyond my control. 

I had to forgive myself and let all of those thoughts go because they didn't help.  We know God forgives our sins, past, present, and future.  So if God forgives us, who are we to not forgive ourselves.  Healing will come when you can accept and forgive yourself... or at least be willing to be willing to pray for forgiveness. The sign is Jesus death on the cross and the Resurrection.   With acceptance you will receive healing... choose life.  {{{ HUGS}}}   - Shalom (God's Perfect Peace be with you, Jackie)

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8 hours ago, Jackie - Richard said:

all i am asking for is a sign that i have been heard

We are told If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 Jn 1:9
I go by faith, believing, so with or without a sign, I can know I am heard.

Jesus said to him, "Tomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed." Jn 20:29b

George and I met through writing letters (I'd written a letter to the editor and he'd responded)...sometimes it'd be a week before you'd have a response to something...we often had to have faith in each other before something could be explained or clarified...in so doing our relationship was born on faith in the other.  When he died, I knew our relationship would continue on faith but instead of it being a week, now it would be until I died and could see him again...a much longer time, a much greater test, but I also KNOW him and that test stands.  Greater yet is my faith in God to do what He says.

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Hi Jackie. I'm so sorry for your pain. We all say things  (& do things too) that less than our best selves. But we also say & do things that are noble & worthy. That you are asking for forgiveness shows that you are a good person, a worthy person. I remember that a year after my father died in 1988, I was impatient with my mother and said something that was mean about how she & I were on vacation & I just wanted to enjoy the trip. I understood so little about grief then. 9 years later when my mother died I knew what she was talking about. Now I am dealing with the death of my only sibling, my sweet sister, from brain cancer. It still feels very strange writing that (she died on the 29th of June). Grief takes time. I hope you get your sign, Jackie. I know other people who have gotten signs of various sorts. I have not. But I go to my parents grave in NJ & I sing to my mother & father (& now my sister). I honestly don't know if I'll see them again but I know I would like to.  Please find a way to love yourself as God loves you. 

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