I lost my grandfather

[Virgo_gal1]

I came across this website almost 4 years back when I lost my brother. It was a sudden and shocking loss. This group somehow helped me express my feelings which I was not able to do in real life. I never wanted to come back here. Yet I am. I lost my grandfather 2 days back. He was not ill or suffering. He went away suddenly. Although he was old but this does not mean it was time for him to go. My already small family has become smaller after these two losses.

I regret not spending more time with my grandfather. Although he lived with us but I was always tired. He was with me through all my milestones. He was more like a father figure than a grandfather. I don't know how to react to this loss because people aren't much surprised since they think he was old. But that does not mean anything. I keep remembering him the last time I saw him. He looked to be sleeping peacefully. I miss him. Alot.

[kayc]

How old they are has nothing to do with the grief we feel, that's like people assuming we shouldn't grieve them because they lived a fair amount, but it doesn't work like that.  He lived with you, he was a big part of your life, even being a father figure to you! 

I am so sorry for your loss.

You react however you feel with this loss.  For each of us our losses are unique and it may look different for each of us.  I lost my dog 12 days ago and I'm having a very hard time processing/adjusting to it, he was my sole companion the past 10 1/2 years.  Some do not understand grieving over a dog, but that means nothing to me, he was the light of my world, he was my heart and soul.

I think all of us feel regrets in early grief, sometimes for a long while...we didn't know we were going to lose them.  We wish we'd spent more time with them, I wish I'd taken my dog camping, to the ocean for a week, etc.  But I didn't.  Still, I took good care of him and told him how much I love him so much he was probably sick of it.  I took him for regular walks and I cooked for him, took him to the park, gave him rides. I'm sure you can think of the kindnesses you gave your grandfather too, listening to him...the thing is, sometimes we take life for granted that it's going to continue the way it is...but it doesn't.  And I think that's pretty normal to do.  

10 hours ago, Virgo_gal1 said:

I miss him. Alot.

And that says it all.

(((hugs)))

[Virgo_gal1]

Thank you for your response kayc.

I am really sorry about your dog. I know it's hard.

I regret not doing a lot of things. You take things for granted without realizing the that one day you will lose them. I had this realization after losing my brother. But i am still very sad that I wasn't a better granddaughter.

And I have not told a lot of people a about the loss because I don't want them to look at me differently. Is this wrong? Pretending to be normal.

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather ~ but I hope you will reconsider your decision to keep this loss to yourself while "pretending to be normal." It takes more energy to suppress and hide our feelings than it does to acknowledge and express them. To be sure, we can be selective in choosing those with whom we feel safe enough to share our pain, but to cut yourself off from those who could support you isn't a good choice either. It's good to know that you've found your way back here to us, but I hope you'll consider finding some in-person support as well. 

I invite you to read these articles, in hopes that they may help:

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

In Grief: Feeling Let Doown by Closest Friends

[kayc]

Is it that you don't want to deal with their responses?  I get that, but it sometimes helps us to stand up for ourselves...when I lost my husband I had to learn to do just that as he was no longer there to do it for me. And I was amazed how tough I could be.  

[Virgo_gal1]

20 hours ago, MartyT said:

My dear, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather ~ but I hope you will reconsider your decision to keep this loss to yourself while "pretending to be normal." It takes more energy to suppress and hide our feelings than it does to acknowledge and express them. To be sure, we can be selective in choosing those with whom we feel safe enough to share our pain, but to cut yourself off from those who could support you isn't a good choice either. It's good to know that you've found your way back here to us, but I hope you'll consider finding some in-person support as well. 

I invite you to read these articles, in hopes that they may help:

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

In Grief: Feeling Let Doown by Closest Friends

Thank you MartyT for these articles. I could actually relate to them. It's just that people around me weren't very understanding at the time of my brother. They usually brushed it under the rug and never really spoke about it. I was pissed off and relieved at the same time. I wanted to talk about it and avoid it at the same time.

Kayc, yes, I mean I don't know how to react. I have never been really expressive and maybe people find it hard as well. 

How do you cope up with losing a father figure? Someone who taught you how to ride a bicycle, who was there waiting for you after every exam, who took you out to eat, who bought you everything you needed, and most importantly who loved you unconditionally. I feel we could have loved and spent more time with him as we grew up. We all started getting busy with our lives and careers.

[MartyT]

You will find your own ways to cope, my dear, just as we all do. In the natural order of things, we're all destined to lose our fathers and grandfathers some day. But you might give some thought to some of the ways you could preserve and honor the memory of your grandfather ~ as a way to maintain your loving relationship with him. What will be his legacy to you? What qualities in him do you value the most? What characteristics of his do you see in yourself ~ and which ones can you strive to nurture and develop in yourself? How might his ways of demonstrating his love for you as a child influence the ways that you will care for your own children one day? 

[kayc]

I lost my father when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child.  He would have been such a wonderful grandpa.  I shared stories about him with my kids, they never got to know him in person but they knew all about him and knew he would have adored them.

It's hard, I was a Daddy's girl, and losing him so young I feel I missed out on so much!  I like to think of him able to know what's going on.  I imagine him looking in when my son was Valedictorian, served in the Air Force, graduated College with 4.0 and was Commencement Speaker...he would have burst his buttons!  I imagine him looking at my daughter on her wedding day, such a beautiful bride!  I've been through some really rough spots in my life, I imagine getting one of his hugs when I most needed it.  

Maybe you could try journaling your thoughts and feelings?  

[Virgo_gal1]

Thank you both for your kind words. I am glad there are people out there who are so understanding.

I have started journaling a little. I write things which I am unable to tell anyone, random thoughts. 

Although I am actively trying not to think about it but I hope I am not suppressing the entire thing. I don't want to have a breakdown at a later stage.