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Dad in ER, I didn't go, he passed...now living with regret


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Here I am back again -- this time -- my 88-year-old Dad died on August 5th. I adored him, and miss him terribly! When he called at 5:30 pm from the ER on August 4th, he said he went to the ER because he wasn't feeling well, and was scheduled for angioplasty the next day. He sounded upbeat and stabilized. Then, he called at 9:45 pm sounding a bit agitated that he couldn't get into a room, as the hospital was full. At that point, I should have left for the hospital, as it takes me about 40 minutes to drive there. No...I went to sleep, thinking I would go to the hospital first thing in the morning. Well, at 11:30 the hospital Doctor calls to tell me that my Dad "coded", and they brought him back, but he is now on life support! I, of course, leave for the hospital. So...there's my regret. I wasn't there with him to see how he got from waiting for angioplasty, to being on life support, and being there with him. This is something I will have to live with.

I don't know that I will ever know what happened, as the hospital and Doctors don't like to give many details, with worries of lawsuits. I am guessing my Dad was hooked up to the "beeping" machines in the ER when he arrived (as is custom), and that at some point, between 10 pm and 11:30 the alarm sounded as his heart stopped, and they ran in to save his life. The ER Doctor and nurses told me he became agitated. He "coded" three times, and they brought him back each time. The third time, the nurse rushed us to the CAT scan room to watch them try to revive him. This was very traumatic to see. Of course I said, "stop". They did. A few moments later, someone says, "I have a pulse". My Dad wasn't leaving this earth easily.

Abandoning the CAT scan, to get him finally to a room in the ICU, the nurse comes out to tell us he passed away. Then, the Doctor came out to ask me what to do "the next time he coded". I said that the nurse just told us he was already dead. I wrote a letter to the hospital, and was told that Doctors are the ones to deliver that news, and they would look into it.

I also am dealing with resentment (or displaced anger at myself) at my sister who lives near the hospital, but has been estranged from Dad for the past 6 years. (When Mom was alive, sister would be the "night shift" and I was "day shift" in our hospital visits.) I let her know Dad was on life support, but she never showed up at the hospital. She did come to his funeral, as did her family. I also have to live with my anger at them for abandoning him after Mom died (as they didn't like that he enjoyed dating women a year after she passed away -- and he was 82 at that time!).

Regret...trauma...sadness...anger...grief.

Life has never been good again without my Mom on the planet. Now...Dad's gone too. It's challenging to stay positive, but I try. Lots of death all around as I approach my 60's. A new phase in life.

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  year old I am sorry for your loss.  It's very strange that the nurse would tell you he died and THEN the doctor asked you what to do if he coded.  Not getting straight answers is hard.

You felt your dad was at the hospital and being cared for and that the real situation would be the next day so l don't think your decision to go to sleep that time of night was out of line at all...sometimes we just don't know what will happen, hindsight is always easier, but honestly, you had no way of knowing he'd die that night.  Any more than when I went to my sisters' reunion I'd have any way of knowing that would be the weekend my barely  year old husband who looked the picture of health...would die.  Beating ourselves up for not knowing is fruitless.  Personally, if your dad at 82 could date and enjoy life, more power to him!  I'm almost 67, haven't dated for nine years and being alone all the time as you're growing older is not all it's cracked up to be.  Your sister will have to come to terms with her estrangement over something petty, on her own, and it won't be easy.  I have no idea how she answers that.  But you...I hope you can let it go and let her deal with it on her own.  

I'm having a couple of issues I'm working on forgiving my sister for and my DIL...my DIL just keeps delivering the punches, I guess I have to let them go as they come?  It'd be easier if she could just quit for a while.  I thought she was getting better for a little while but nope.

I think as long as there are people we're going to have challenges.  ;)

The older I get, the more death I encounter, now it seems it's an everyday occurrence.  A 94 year old friend, we go back 42 years, she's expected to die soon, it's hard, she's not like any 94 year old I've ever known, clear as a bell, amazing lady, never been in pain, I can't imagine that!  

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Thank you, Kay, for your always thoughtful and compassionate reply!

Counting on the hospital to be a "safe place" for my Dad to be is the annoying part, as I know that medical mistakes are the main cause of death. My Dad was in the hospital, and I wasn't there -- or my sister -- or his ladyfriend of 3 years -- to advocate for him (as he also told her she didn't need to rush to the hospital that night). This is a hard lesson, one that I already knew, and didn't act upon.

His "sudden" death (although, him being age 88, I knew what would eventually be...), makes me wonder about which I would prefer (like I have a choice?). How different to go through such a long illness and decline, as with my Mom, and then, my Dad, to pass away in less than 24 hours. I used to think it was better to have time to come to terms with my loved one's ultimate release from suffering from a long-term illness. All the pain, and poking and prodding, and testing at the hospital for months...years. My Dad didn't suffer long. That seems to be a comfort as well, for me. Although... I will always wonder if my presence could have kept him more calm while being told there was no room available for him, thus preventing his demise. I know... I am not the one who decides these things.

Regarding people...I always keep in mind what Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time". Not easy for kind-hearted people to do, as we like to give the benefit of the doubt to most behaviors shown and statements said by others, even when they don't seem quite right. Plus, anything we say, can, and will, be used against us. It's like walking a tight-rope.

Last November, an old boyfriend died (age 58), in March of this year, my nephew-in-law died (age 54), in April, my dear friend died (age 74), and now my Dad. How come I didn't realize this would be happening? Gotta get used to this, somehow?!? Drastically relying on my happy thoughts of my parents enjoying each other's Spirits once again, while dancing in Heaven.

Your 94-year-old friend sounds amazing. I aspire to be like her -- and to keep good friends around ... like you are!

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28 minutes ago, Miss Ngu said:

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time".

Oh so true, regarding red flags.  But sometimes situations do warrant giving a second chance, I guess the trick is knowing which is which.

I have a lot of elderly friends...the thing is though, I really don't want to live that old.  She has her kids living on her premises and they look after her, that makes a huge difference.  Being on my own in this town, it's a different situation.  I am the one driving my elderly friends around, when I get that age, I can't count on there being someone there for me.  I just keep praying God will give me strength for today, in spite of my arthritis!  

The thought of your parents being reunited brings me a smile, my parents too, my mom was widowed for about 33 years I think, a couple of men were after her but she wasn't interested, she had one love, that was my dad.

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  • 5 months later...

Well...here it is...my Dearly departed Dad's birthday is coming up this week, and he is gone...Also struggling with the 12th anniversary of my brother's passing a week later...And then onto the 1st anniversary of my nephew-in-law's passing next month. I know that, in time, this deep pain will subside, and that the first year of these "occasions" can feel the hardest. Still, I am a little concerned for the state of my mental and physical health. My blood pressure is a little higher than I would like (as is my stress level), and I worry that my "will to live" and to "help other's live" isn't what it once was. I am so much more fearful for my future than I have ever been...but try to stay healthy, flexible, and able while getting older. I know my thoughts are just fears, and that I need to take life one day at a time, and that my imagination is worse than reality...

But...is it?

As much as I pray, meditate, dance, sing, eat, read, learn, and live, I can't really say that there is any real comfort in my life since my parents and grandmother have passed on. My husband is sweet and wonderful, and I am so Thankful for him... but there is a different level of alone-ness that I think I just need to get used to. I lived on my own at different times in my life, but this feels different. There is nowhere and no one to turn to, as this journey of my fears seems to be mine -- alone (and always with my Higher Power). Friends and family come and go. Loved ones die. Facts of life. Gotta keep living, somehow. With JOY! Stay positive. It's a Blessing to be on this Earth. I know all of this, and yet the pain is so deep and heart-wrenching!

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't write in this wonderful online group, because I want anyone who happens to read this, to have hope through their dark feelings, and to stay positive for them -- when, in reality, I have found life gets harder and more complicated as we age. Sorry to be a "downer", but it's just where I am most of the time.

I am so thankful for this space to write and share, grieve and learn -- and build back up some strength.

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Miss Ngu,

You are struggling with life after several deep losses, as am I.  It's been nearly 15 years since I lost my sweet husband, and now six months ago I lost my Arlie (dog) to cancer and I love and miss him every day, it feels very much like when I lost George.  It's hard growing old alone and no familial support nearby.  It's been many years since I lost my father...38 to be exact, so I'm used to not having him in my adult life, but I lost my mom 5 1/2 years ago and my sister Donna two years ago.  And I still struggle with those losses.  I find times I want to talk to my mom or buy something for my sister, but...

We choose joy.  It's not necessarily the same as happiness which is affected by circumstance, but rather a state we choose and I see you as one of those.  It's not merely a mantra or a cloak we put on, but yes it can affect our attitude, one of positive choice.  It's hard to explain to people who don't get it or who are so steeped in their grief they can't imagine it.  We do get assailed with fears, depression, worry, but I try to tell them no! and stop them in their tracks, and continue to live one day at a time...I know I can do today.  Tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  In between I find good moments with friends or my puppy.  It doesn't take away my grief, I live with that, but I've learned to coexist with my grief and have good spots here and there.  I try not to compare to yesterday (or yesteryears) as comparisons can be real joykillers.

I wish you some respite in your grief, and peace as your "higher power" gives to you.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you, Kay, as always, for your understanding words and comfort.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your dear companion, Arlie. There is nothing like the pure love of our furry friends. Although, there will never be another Arlie, I hope your new puppy brings you many smiles.

What you wrote to me reminds me of something my dearly departed Mom used to say. After many, many years of her depression, she "decided" to be happy. And, for the most part, she accomplished this. Positive self-talk sure combats my inner, self-loathing negative talk, but, you're right, I need to consciously STOP, and be more gentle and kind to myself - like I would to a friend - not negating how I am feeling (anxious, depressed, etc.), but just accepting that it is what it is, and that I won't always feel this horrible - and to remember to look for the glimmer of something positive. I can't allow my life to spiral down into hopelessness.

With appreciation to you, Marty, and this group...

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12 hours ago, Miss Ngu said:

be more gentle and kind to myself - like I would to a friend - not negating how I am feeling (anxious, depressed, etc.), but just accepting that it is what it is, and that I won't always feel this horrible - and to remember to look for the glimmer of something positive.

Yes!  And I wish you the best with it!  I know it can be a struggle sometimes...just don't give up!

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  • 3 years later...

Might as well write an update:

While I still can't say that life is as sweet as when my dearly departed parents and grandma were here on the planet... I am no longer estranged from my sister and her family. It's nice to be back in each others' lives, but I will always be cautious of their ability to cancel people out of their lives so easily!

My husband's 94 year old father passed away in April. We are now parentless on both sides.

My husband and I have no children, and have recently decided to create a Will (if we pass at the same time)... leaving what we own to our siblings (my sister...and his 3 siblings). Don't know how this will(!) work out, but, we wouldn't be here to truly sort it all out anyway.

Feeling stressed about our future, praying that we stay healthy and that we don't linger long prior to our passing...as not to be such a money and time burden on the other.

So many intense thoughts about dying -- when that time comes.

I know, I know...we are living NOW -- so -- be here NOW! Enjoy all you can -- NOW... and... we do our best day-to-day, I think.

I'm 62 this year, and am completely Thankful for the strength and Love that my Dear Parents and Mom-Mom instilled in me...

Life is tough...

Keep living and going...until they come for me.

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Depending on who you named as executor of the state, or who takes on that job, could sell everything and split the proceeds or people can pick what they want, usually the former is the easiest, but if you want any family heirloom passed on to someone, good to note that ahead of time.

I'm nearly 71, feeling it this year. My family lives into their 90s...me, I don't see anything good comes from 90s but maybe I'll feel different when I get there.  Kodie will take me to 80-83, hoping for the latter. No idea how I'll survive after that.

62 is still young, enjoy it while you can. I just updated my will a year ago...

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Thanks, as always, for your reply, Kay.

I will(!) make sure to be specific regarding leaving any heirlooms.

My Dad, at 88, was my longest-living family member, by far, as most passed in their late 70’s/early 80’s. I keep remembering my time really is limited, and to enjoy what I can.

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That's the way to live life, none of us is promised specified time...

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