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Boyfriend left to go back to Ireland after my dad passed away

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Hi,

My dad passed away 2 months ago. It was an unexpected death and I was in another country at the time. The whole thing was very traumatising for me. The late night call, the rush to get a flight home and seeing my dad in a coffin, after speaking to him only 2 days before that night. I went through a lot of emotions. I was doing okay after a week but broke down weeks after, from time to time. I have always been very independent but my dad was my only constant support through my life.

My partner is from Ireland and we were together for almost 3 years. He has always been one to constantly change his mind about things but we were doing reasonably well this year as a couple. I'd like to think Im a reasonably good girlfriend too. Im not perfect but took very good care of him. I loved him a lot. We were talking about building a home together. After my dad's passing, he was very supportive. He flew back with me and spent a week with my family. Then he got back and made a shrine for my dad so I feel better when Im back to our house. When I was home, he said 'I made a promise to your dad to always take care of you'. I felt good.

Then after a month, things got a little different. He started getting annoyed at me for simple things and constantly said he missed his home in Ireland. Although my plan was to go to Ireland sometime in future with him and live there for a few years, I could not plan such things at that time. My mum who currently lives 5 hours away from me by flight , would not want to hear that her only daughter is moving much further from her just months after her husband's passing. But I was still prepared to move after 5 years or so. He kept saying he did not want to miss more occasions at home. I was on the other hand, still very sad. And finally 7 weeks after my dad's death, we broke up and he says he wants to go back to Ireland and the thought of getting a ring to be engaged to me makes him want to run away. 

This broke my heart completely. Broke my confidence. My hope and support vanished. I was till grieving for my dad and knowing that I was losing the 2 men I had in my life, at the same time, was a bit much. I don't have any family where I live and my friends are busy with their own lives. I feel alone and disappointed. 

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I am so sorry.  I know what it is to be heartbroken, betrayed, disappointed.  In time I saw the person wasn't right for me (been through it a few times in my life, actually).  There came a time I was glad things worked out as it did because I could see that, but at the time, it's just downright hurtful and painful.  Your reasoning made perfect sense, but alas he is doing what he considers best for HIM, not you.  Does that tell you anything about what kind of life partner he'd make?  When you have a partner, sometimes you have to make concessions, be flexible, but usually not when someone has just lost someone close to them, it's the other person's turn to do so.  

Can you plan a trip to see your mom and/or siblings?  Right now I hope you'll keep busy with activities, focus on the little things that make you happy if you can.  (((hugs)))

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Hi kayc,

 

I am going home start of November for a week. Cant leave now due to work.

I have been trying to keep myself busy but from time to time to thoughts and memories overtake.

Im sure ill  eventually be okay. Just a little stressed because I want to just grief and think of my dad but even that has become difficult because the sadness of breaking up with my partner is taking up too much space. 

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A good counselor once said (okay, a LOT of times said), "throw the shoulds away."  Maybe give each other some time apart and see how you both feel in a few months.  If it's a good relationship, it'll make it through, if not, well it's enough time to help you both heal and see with clarity.

My sister and her BF broke up for a year over whether or not to have kids...she ran into him a year later and they still had feelings for each other, enough so she decided to not have kids...they got married and have been happily married almost 50 years now.  A "break" sometimes brings clarity.

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On 10/8/2019 at 10:31 AM, kayc said:

A good counselor once said (okay, a LOT of times said), "throw the shoulds away."  Maybe give each other some time apart and see how you both feel in a few months.  If it's a good relationship, it'll make it through, if not, well it's enough time to help you both heal and see with clarity.

My sister and her BF broke up for a year over whether or not to have kids...she ran into him a year later and they still had feelings for each other, enough so she decided to not have kids...they got married and have been happily married almost 50 years now.  A "break" sometimes brings clarity.

Great advice here. It hasn't happened to me personally, but I know people who ended relationships only to reconcile some years later and stayed together. Time apart will give both of you clarity, and even if you don't reconcile, you won't still be stuck wondering "what if," and still trying to move on.

My ex-fiance who I was together with for 7 years and I reconciled as friends almost 5 years after we broke up. He initially said he wanted to try to get back together and that he was sorry for cheating, but by then I no longer felt the same and my only offer was friendship. I had also left town by then and had no plans on ever moving back.

Even if you don't reconcile, you will still be on a better path than you are now. It takes time, but you will get back to where you need to be, with or without him.

 

-- Rae

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I think cheating or lying brings a whole other dimension into it that would make it pretty hard to come back from.

 

Hmm...the post I was responding to is gone.

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