Unnecessary grief

[Naomi]

Hi everyone,

I have a problem: I grieve for people that are still alive and well. My father is over sixty, and is getting old: he can't run as fast, is balding, is getting wrinkles, many of his older friends have already died... Every single time I get a reminder that he is old and might die, I just get so sad, so lost, and I burst into tears. I get nightmares of him dying. It gets to the point that I can't even eat dinner with him or go on a trip with him without having a horrible moment of "he will die someday", even as he's laughing right in front of me. Everytime he leaves to go to work or get groceries, I wonder whether it's the last time I ever see him.

I feel often terrible because of it, and fear what will happen if his condition worsens or if he happens to die.

Please, help me, I don't know what to do... 

[MartyT]

You don't say how old you are, Naomi, or what has been your past experience with significant loss. If you've yet to know that kind of grief, it's understandable that you may be living in fear of it. It is fear of the unknown, which can be quite powerful. Still, it is a feeling ~ and it helps to recognize that feelings are not facts. We cannot control what we feel, but we do have some control over what we can DO with our feelings, and over the choices we make in the face of those feelings.

You are noticing the fact that your father is not immortal and you are acknowledging the fact that one day he will die. So the question you might ask yourself is that, given those facts, and given the fact that your dad is still alive and well, how might you use best whatever time you have with your father NOW and in the days ahead? How might you reveal to your dad the love you have for him NOW, while he is still here with you?

Ask yourself: What do you most love about your dad? What lessons have you learned from him? What have you enjoyed about your life together with him? How might you express your gratitude for his love and support as he provided for you and the rest of your family? Is there  any unfinished business between the two of you, or anything that requires forgiveness? If so, how might you go about discussing any of that with him?

You might also do some reading on how to make the most of the time you have with your dad. One outstanding book that comes to mind is The Four Things That Matter Most : A Book About Living by Ira Byock, MD.

From Amazon's description of its contents: 

Four simple phrases -- "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you" -- carry enormous power. In many ways, they contain the most powerful words in our language. These four phrases provide us with a clear path to emotional wellness; they guide us through the thickets of interpersonal difficulties to a conscious way of living that is full of integrity and grace.
In The Four Things That Matter Most, Dr. Ira Byock, an international leader in palliative care, teaches us how to practice these life-affirming words in our day-to-day lives. Too often we assume that the people we love really know we love them. Dr. Byock reveals the value of stating the obvious and provides insights into how we burden ourselves by hanging on to old grudges unconsciously and unnecessarily. He shows us how to avoid living with those awkward silences and uncomfortable issues that distance us from the people we love and erode our sense of well-being and joy. His insights and stories help us to forgive, appreciate, love, and celebrate one another more fully . . . With practical wisdom and spiritual punch, The Four Things That Matter Most gives us the language and guidance to honor and experience what really matters most in our lives every day.

[kayc]

None of us know how long we'll live.  My father died at 62 and my mom at 92.  I'm 67 now and hoping to make it to 80...each day is a gift to us.

I've learned the value of living in the present moment.  I was a natural born worrier and can worry about anything...living in the present helps me with this.  Not borrowing worry from tomorrow, which has enough of it's own. (That's actually in the Bible...which isn't necessarily about religion, it's actually got some good proverbs and teaching sprinkled in, just as Buddhism does.) 

Marty has given you a good response, we're so lucky to have her wisdom and knowledge here!  I love those four phrases!

Your dad sounds like the others I know, we're all showing our age, which doesn't start at age 60, but much younger.  I remember noticing grey hairs when I was 30, I'd pull them out.  I quit doing that because it quickly became apparent to me I'd need all the hairs I could get, regardless of the color!  We notice little lines and wrinkles, those are just reminders that we've been through this much.  Our bodies may get older but our minds work well...most of the time!  As even that starts to falter now and then, we hone our sense of humor, it helps.