I just needed perspective...

[kayc]

Chances are small that you'll run into someone, try going on a weekday.

[themermaidgoddess]

On 9/30/2019 at 8:37 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

It's sucks though, I keep seeing him in my dreams and I saw a photo from a mutual friend and he looked happy. I still keep getting that sixth sense feeling and I don't know if I should trust my intuition or not.

Still haven't went to his Dad's grave cause I feel like I"m going to see someone there and it's going to start something and I really really don't want that to happen.

I've read many many many articles on how to get someone you love back and a lot of them say to do the "no-contact" approach for a month (maybe even longer), but I know I have to give him time to grieve as well. 

It's sucks though because I get a lot of dirty looks wherever I go at school now. I've made his family so upset, I just don't know what I did so wrong. I think they'll forgive me someday hopefully.

[themermaidgoddess]

On 9/30/2019 at 10:57 AM, kayc said:

Chances are small that you'll run into someone, try going on a weekday.

I just thinking that maybe he wouldn't have probably wanted me there...

[kayc]

You had a relationship with his dad, I don't see anything wrong with going and making your peace with him, if the family isn't there.  I'd give it longer than a month for no contact, but don't reconnect thinking you'll get back together, it's important to respect his decisions.  To try and do something to make him get back with you is a form of manipulation, not respect.  I know you don't want to hear that but it's the truth.  

[themermaidgoddess]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

You had a relationship with his dad, I don't see anything wrong with going and making your peace with him, if the family isn't there.  I'd give it longer than a month for no contact, but don't reconnect thinking you'll get back together, it's important to respect his decisions.  To try and do something to make him get back with you is a form of manipulation, not respect.  I know you don't want to hear that but it's the truth.  

More like I want to change in a positive way and show him that I deserve a new chance as the new me. I'm not going to say "it's what your Dad would want" "you owe me it", not that kind of thing.

But the no-contect approach gives time to notice the good things, figure out what we both did wrong and grieve his Dad. I feel like in that way I should get respect because I'm letting him be.

I know it's bad to say that I want to get back with him as soon as the no-contact period is over. But that's how I feel. But you're right I do have to respect him.

[Rae1991]

On 9/22/2019 at 7:09 PM, kayc said:

One sincere apology covers it.  Tell them if you haven't, tell him at his grave, but once is sufficient, it's not necessary to beg for forgiveness, they'll grant it or they won't, that's up to them.  Just continue as you are, learn from your mistakes and let it help you grow, that's the best you can do with it.  We ALL make mistakes.  There is no penance that will suffice with some people.  Anger is pain-based, so that's what prompted it.  Treating yourself with kindness and forgiveness will go a long ways in soothing your own feelings.  

This is fantastic. Begging for forgiveness, especially in this context, is not necessary.

On 10/2/2019 at 11:45 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

More like I want to change in a positive way and show him that I deserve a new chance as the new me. I'm not going to say "it's what your Dad would want" "you owe me it", not that kind of thing.

But the no-contect approach gives time to notice the good things, figure out what we both did wrong and grieve his Dad. I feel like in that way I should get respect because I'm letting him be.

I know it's bad to say that I want to get back with him as soon as the no-contact period is over. But that's how I feel. But you're right I do have to respect him.

Giving him space and respecting his boundaries does not guarantee he or his family will show you respect. As stated previously, do not beg for these things. They will either respect you, or they won't, don't hope that they will or think you deserve it from them, because then you're still hoping they will give you something that you may never receive. I completely understand, when my ex Tim ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly, I felt I deserved (and he owed me) respect from him and an apology for his behavior. I never got either, and for a while, was hung up on it, and it stopped me from moving forward with my life and getting over him, I was waiting for a day that would never come because deep down, I didn't want to accept that it really was over.

No contact may do those things for you, but there is no guarantee time apart will make him rehash his relationship with you and own up to what he did wrong. It never happened with Tim, and I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. I am glad I haven't heard from him because it showed me who he truly was, and that he wasn't sorry. As painful as that realization was, it was a turning point.

It is okay to want to get back together, because you love him. But, don't hold out hope that you will, and don't just go running back to him like nothing happened. I made that mistake the first time with Tim because I was confused, and still in love with him. I don't recommend running blind.

--Rae 😊

[themermaidgoddess]

On 10/10/2019 at 10:34 PM, Rae1991 said:

This is fantastic. Begging for forgiveness, especially in this context, is not necessary.

Giving him space and respecting his boundaries does not guarantee he or his family will show you respect. As stated previously, do not beg for these things. They will either respect you, or they won't, don't hope that they will or think you deserve it from them, because then you're still hoping they will give you something that you may never receive. I completely understand, when my ex Tim ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly, I felt I deserved (and he owed me) respect from him and an apology for his behavior. I never got either, and for a while, was hung up on it, and it stopped me from moving forward with my life and getting over him, I was waiting for a day that would never come because deep down, I didn't want to accept that it really was over.

No contact may do those things for you, but there is no guarantee time apart will make him rehash his relationship with you and own up to what he did wrong. It never happened with Tim, and I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. I am glad I haven't heard from him because it showed me who he truly was, and that he wasn't sorry. As painful as that realization was, it was a turning point.

It is okay to want to get back together, because you love him. But, don't hold out hope that you will, and don't just go running back to him like nothing happened. I made that mistake the first time with Tim because I was confused, and still in love with him. I don't recommend running blind.

--Rae 😊

Thank you so much both of you!

I've mostly gotten over him for good. There all small moments where I miss him but they fade quickly. I think it's best for me not to wait. Because the only thing that does is hurts me in the process. I don't learn that way. I've gone from "I'd do anything to get him back why me?!" to "This is over, I have to accept it and move on.". I mostly think this had to happen cause I really had to find myself. I've learned to forgive myself and love myself. Cause, you guys are right. One apology is enough. Forgiving myself is just as important as him forgiving me.

Instead of depending on THEM for things. I think the most reliable person is myself right now that's who I'm depending on right now (and my family).

If he were to come back there would be a lot of talking before hand. And I don't think it will happen because he never liked to sit down and talk so honestly, I"m over it. Instead of begging for him back because he may have made me happy once upon a time. I need to make myself happy now. 

I'm not changing for him anymore, it's all for me and the people around me.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, themermaidgoddess said:

Instead of begging for him back because he may have made me happy once upon a time. I need to make myself happy now. 

Good for you!  And you've gotten this a lot faster than most of us, I'm glad!  I wish you the best...I hope you'll drop in sometime in the future and let us know how it's going.

[themermaidgoddess]

It's been about a month, things are going ok, I'm starting to talk to some people and I've taken up running to ease my mind a bit. 

Some days I'm ok and I can take on the world.

Other days I start right back at square one, getting upset and trying my hardest not to cry. 

But right now it just feels like I've gone completely numb thinking about it over and over I think. Like I think about what happened and I go "yeah, that happened I guess."

But I think the best piece of advice I can give to anyone and myself is to try to do as many activities (big or small), to get your mind off of it I suppose.

[MartyT]

On 10/14/2019 at 10:35 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

I mostly think this had to happen cause I really had to find myself. I've learned to forgive myself and love myself. Cause, you guys are right. One apology is enough. Forgiving myself is just as important as him forgiving me.

Instead of depending on THEM for things. I think the most reliable person is myself right now that's who I'm depending on right now (and my family).

If he were to come back there would be a lot of talking before hand. And I don't think it will happen because he never liked to sit down and talk so honestly, I"m over it. Instead of begging for him back because he may have made me happy once upon a time. I need to make myself happy now. 

I'm not changing for him anymore, it's all for me and the people around me.

My dear, I hope you will read your own words over again and as often as necessary. We know that none of this is easy ~ but you have the right attitude here, and I hope for your sake you will listen to your wise self and take your own advice to heart. ❤️

[kayc]

On 10/14/2019 at 7:35 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

I need to make myself happy now. 

You showed a lot of insight in that entire post, I hope you re-read it when you're having those down days, which are to be expected. It takes a long time for our emotions to catch up to our brain so we do have ups and downs, it's all part of the process.

[themermaidgoddess]

On 10/14/2019 at 3:43 PM, kayc said:

Good for you!  And you've gotten this a lot faster than most of us, I'm glad!  I wish you the best...I hope you'll drop in sometime in the future and let us know how it's going.

Gosh it's been about 4 years, so I'll kinda recap. The last half of high school kinda sucked cause of that whole mess (also COVID happened boo!) but it made me into who I am today. I look back and I see how much I've changed and how that time really shaped me. I realized that I was a kid and that in the end I was naive (I hated when people told me that haha) and that it was never going to go anywhere after that. I also realized that a lot of what he did when we were together was abusive, so I'm glad he didn't come back like I had thought (boy did I say that a lot on here). I went to college, found out I love social work. Been dating someone now for about a year ( and hopefully moving in together soon!). I never did visit his Dad's grave though and you know, I don't think I ever will.

I do want to say this forum has always been on my mind, often really. It actually got me to take a death and dying class and afterwards intern with hospice for about 6 months (I finished last month) and that put perspective on the ways we grieve, and how grief is a very very wide range. It was just very eye opening experience. It made me think about my short time on here, and all the people who gave me wonderful support.

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I do want to say this forum has always been on my mind, often really. It actually got me to take a death and dying class and afterwards intern with hospice for about 6 months (I finished last month) and that put perspective on the ways we grieve, and how grief is a very very wide range. It was just very eye opening experience. It made me think about my short time on here, and all the people who gave me wonderful support.

Lovely to hear from you again, my dear ~ and thank you for your very kind comments about our site.  ❤️

[kayc]

You've come a long ways since then and I'm glad you checked in!  So good that your life is going well and I want to mention that your life going so well is the best revenge (not that you want revenge, it's just a saying) but I love that you're happy and doing well!  

 

[Rae1991]

On 5/16/2023 at 5:28 AM, kayc said:

You've come a long ways since then and I'm glad you checked in!  So good that your life is going well and I want to mention that your life going so well is the best revenge (not that you want revenge, it's just a saying) but I love that you're happy and doing well!  

 

I always say this, even if revenge is not the intended goal (and it shouldn't be). You deserve to be loved, happy, and thriving. First, you give those things to yourself, then find others to share them with, and life continues. THAT is the ultimate revenge.

💖

[kayc]

Absolutely! One of the things I learned on my grief journey, treat ourselves kindly with love, patience, caring. And you're right, surround yourself with others of like mind.