I lost my favorite person - My dad

[Stormy09]

I have looked all around for different sights and this was connected to a link from a funeral home near me.  I have read a few of the posts throughout different forums as I have gone through a gamete of grief I feel. I'm a little all over the place so forgive me.  My father passed away on June 7th this year - 2019.  He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Renal Cancer in November of last year.  It was  so unexpected and our family was not prepared in the least.  My dad is hands down the most wonderful person I know.  I always felt like he was extraordinary to myself, my brother and my sister.  We are all very close in such a special and unique way.  I am proud to be my father's daughter.  He was not a wealthy man, far from it.  He was the most humble, selfless, funny, artistic and inspiring person.  I miss him so much it hurts to my bones. 

I do not live in the same state where we all grew up anymore but my father lived with my brother and my sister nearby.  When he was diagnosed, my sister and brother both (uncharacteristically) sort of bowed out.  They had contributed a lot to my mother when she was sick and my father during his many years he battled several illnesses that made his life harder than it should have been.  I flew home to Los Angeles and stayed with my father for 2 months until he was stable.  Once it was time to decide to treat or hospice, my father was adamant that he wanted to fight so that even if he had a year left (which is what they gave him if treatment was effective). Me not living there, I had to make a choice to bring him home where I live near MD Anderson, one of the finest cancer centers and truly a place where I believe miracles happen.  I brought him to Texas with me on Christmas Eve of 2018.  I cared for him every single day, every need, I became is right hand...then his hands all together.  I saw the strongest man I have EVER known, I mean STRONG be brought to his knees literally.  It was so brutal and I struggle with that.  I KNOW he is not hurting anymore but I can't shake the memories of what he had to endure.  We literally spent every single day together, with the exception of one evening that entire 8 months of our journey. While he fought for his life, I fought for his care.  I fought insurance companies, nurses that hated their jobs, medical supply vendors (dont get me started on Apria or Lincare!) and things I never thought I would ever be familiar with in my life.  I am so grateful for amazing doctors and nurses that do love their jobs and do for the right reasons.  My dad saw more of those than not and his care was top-notch.  We didn't have much growing up and my dad spent the majority of my life working so hard to provide what he could for our family.  I make a decent living where for the first time I could give back to him.  I wanted to give him any bit of comfort during his last days, however long I was given with him.  It was the hardest and most special journey I have ever been on.  I am struggling with the loss of my favorite person, he used to joke around all the time when he wanted something (usually a sugar something) and would say, "Hey, if you get me a sweetie, I will be your best friend" and I would cave.  And then he would say after he got it, "Well, you're my best friend anyway, even if you didn't get me anything".  He loved me so much.  I love him.  I'm now struggling in my marriage and have no idea what I am doing from day to day except be stuck on auto-pilot and I feel like I am going through the motions and nothing feels really great anymore.  I also lied to him when he was here in his last days and told him I would be ok if he left because I knew it was hard for him and he really loved living and being in this world.  I am not OK and I knew it the night I told him I would be OK that I was not being honest.  My mother passed in 2006 and she was a legend of a person too.  My dad was my link to her because she left this world still obsessed with him and he would tell me how she was always in his dreams.  He would say it as if he was almost annoyed which was funny to me.  I miss them both so much and am trying to find a better place to be with all of it.  

[kayc]

It wasn't a total lie, you are as okay as one can be expected to be...God bless you for being there for your dad.  These are the truly rich experiences of life, even though very hard.  I took care of my MIL for three years when she was bedridden with cancer, I can't put into words adequately what that time was, but it was special even though hard.  Our children were age under 1, and 2 when we started that journey  and  3 and 5 when it ended.  

I'm sorry for your loss, you built a lot of memories that last year and you'll never regret it.  I hope things get better with your marriage, I hope you both get counseling.  It's not uncommon when you've been through something big like this.

You're going through a lot, I hope you give yourself the gift of understanding and patience as you make your way through it.  (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

12 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hope you give yourself the gift of understanding and patience as you make your way through it. 

Excellent advice, Kay. Stormy, you might appreciate this article: In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

[kayc]

Excellent article, Marty.  I share how this hits me in my thread, Living with Loss.