Broke up with me after his grandma’s funeral

[ling]

I have lots to say and lots emotion. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me after him returning from attending his grandma’s funeral. We’ve been together for 7.5month

this just happened five days ago.  I spent my time crying and trying to get supports I am still processing

When I started to hang out with him, I chose to do what I think at the time was making me the happiest. I chose to spend my free time with him and neglected all of my friends. My closest friend was upset about me coming back and demanding all the support and she called me out for being self centered and selfish 

I had no one to turn to so I came here to seek advices

Backstory- me and him met on a dating app. At the time I wasn’t seeking anyone, I use the app to go on dates to entertain myself and to be able to share the crazy stories that went down or what have you. all of my friends were using the app to hook up, date ,relationships. I was using the app to feel like I belong in my friend group. I went on dates with him and exchanged numbers and just click right away. We understand or were interested in each other’s study fields. And we are both queer and love arts. I thought he come cross at a great timing. He was perfect for me. 

To clarified, we are exclusive but never really puts labels and  refer to others we are partners or boyfriend or girlfriend 

The relationship grow really fast, and I thought it was fantastic. We are both students, and in the summer we choose to stay and not go home and I thought in the  summer  we had sealed the bound and make me feel like I am inseparable from him. The weekend before he broke up with me we went to an exhibition and had a great time 

at the end of that day his family told him that his grandma might not make it till tomorrow and the week day that followed that he texted and said his grandma had died and afterwards he was very distant and wouldn’t respond to my message for a long time or the next day I will get message that said i was busy sorry 

it’s just really hurt

we goes to different school and texting is our way of communicating through the week day and I wanted to give him space to grief and get ready for attending funeral 

i thought I was being understanding that he was busy 

the weekend following his grandma’s funeral he came back from home ( where the funeral was at) , and text me that he wanted to talk about something. He came straight from train station to my house and told me that he thinks that we should stop seeing each other. 

His reason was shitty and still left me in confusion 

he said something along that line of

Our relationship is not progressing enough seeing you once a week is not enough and I still care about you that’s why I have to break up with you and it’s unfair to you 

he also said  that he needs space and time alone to focus on school and family and it’s just getting really hard at school (architecture major ) too stressful 

I asked him why now ? Why don’t you just said I don’t like you anymore and don’t want to be together with me anymore? 

He is the kind of person who shutdown when he have a situation or problems 

He told me it’s because he realized something after he went home. 

And he got offensive after I said why didn’t he just said because it isn’t true that I don’t like you anymore I still care a lot.  He also said feels emotionally distant from me 

But he was the one that’s pushing me away 

and he started to cry when the conversation started  But he was the one who brought it up

and what’s worse is that I found his tinder profile up and running the next morning , i don’t know if he downloaded the app for the same reason I did, distractions to gain confidence.

i am just very confused as for why he would push me away when he is hurt? And why would he be up on tinder when he told me he want to be alone to deal with his issue?  Or is he blaming on himself or me for not being able to say goodbye to his grandma because he already spent his free time with me?  Why is it now ? I don’t know 

please tell me something

I want to  understand the logic of this or at least understand where he is coming from 

so I can try to move on 

[kayc]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation...it is common for a certain number of grievers to break up with their SO following loss of someone close.  My fiance of a year did it to me...by FedEx.  I'm glad your BF had enough gumption to do it in person instead of ghosting you.  You have a lot of questions about how/why he could do this, you may have to create your own closure as we don't always get answers that make it neat and tidy and certainly nothing that makes sense to us.  Suffice it to say he didn't feel it was working for him the way it was.  Long distance is tough...my fiance was 75 miles from me.

I hope you will read through some of the other threads here, it will help you to see a pattern, I've read them all, it does help to know you're not the only one going through this.  In time I came to see it was for the best although in the beginning it was extremely painful...I was blindsided.

About your friend, I hope you will learn from this experience...it's natural to want to be with your BF and of course that leaves less time for your friends, but we do have to make time for our friends and family even though there's less to spread around.  Apologize to her, tell her it was selfish of you and you're sorry and you don't expect anything in return from her, you get it.

Grief takes everything within us, sometimes we don't have anything left in us to do a relationship when we're grieving, but it also brings to a head whether we're getting what we need from our relationship too.  Grief changes things.

Personally, I would want someone in my life that would want to go through thick and thin with me, no matter what is going on, rather than someone who would ditch me when things were tough.  Just a point to consider with the next time you have a relationship with someone.  Observe how they are.  Also, I realize Jim and I moved into our relationship too quickly, sounds like you did too, it helps to be friends first and go slower.

Moving on isn't always dependent on them bringing us closure, sometimes we have to bring our own closure.  He doesn't want to be with you...that is closure enough.  We tried to understand them when we were in a relationship with them...it's not essential to understand everything once they've broken up with us.  We ask these questions, naturally, but at some point realize we're on our own.