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Satchel

How to know where to begin?

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I lost my 46 year old sister, Peggy, two weeks ago and I feel like I am standing in the middle of a dessert and all I see is nothingness. My sister was 9 years older than myself and autistic. I was protective of her from the beginning and always understood that when the unfortunate time came when my parents were no longer with us that it would be my job to care for her. This was reinforced when my father passed away years ago. I was forced to move back home to help care for my sister and my mom who has some health issues of her own. Two weeks ago my sister got the flu. Four days later something seemed off and an ambulance was called. The next 40 hours was a whirl wind. It went from she was dehydrated to she is in kidney failure to she needs to be air lifted to a bigger hospital to you need to decide do we let her go or try treatments that probably wont help to her being gone. Now i feel like I lost my best friend;  blaming myself as I should have saw signs of a problem sooner and got her help; feeling guilty for deciding to let her go; feeling like I should be a stronger daughter for my mom; feeling like I dont know what my life looks like; feeling like it should have been me and not her because she was so innocent to the world. I don't know where I am suppose to go from here or even what the first step is.

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Satchel,

I am so sorry.  Your feelings are understandable, you've always looked out for her, been there and feel like you should have been able to save her...but sometimes it's not within our power to.  I recently lost my dog who was my companion for 10 1/2 years, I lost my husband previously, and when I found out my dog had inoperable cancer, all I could do was try to get him to eat and make him as comfortable as possible...but I felt like I should have known sooner, even though the vets didn't catch it during his physical not long before that.  We put responsibility on ourselves when we don't have the medical training and can't be expected to know, nor can we stop some things just because we don't want them.

I'm sure you were a good sister to her all these years, and that is what she would remember.  I lost my sister 1 1/2 years ago even though I fought for her...she was quadriplegic and the blankety-blank government was going to move her to a different foster care right before the holidays, I said NO and they threatened to kick her off medical insurance and I said, go ahead, you're not moving her from the best home she's ever known. (They didn't kick her off insurance, I reported the person and went above her head).  She died of pneumonia within months, they wouldn't admit her to the hospital.  At least she got to be with the people she loved, but honestly it makes me so mad that they just gave up on her and wouldn't do anything about her, because she was quadriplegic and they didn't figure her life counted?  IDK, it's all so hard.

I hope this article helps you as much as it did me:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
 

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Ever since my sister Peggy, 46, suddenly passed away two weeks ago I feel like I’m just a jumble of separate emotions that don’t understand eachother. Peggy had the flu and then in a span of 40 hours it went from something is wrong to her kidneys were shutting down to her being gone. I feel heartbroken, guilty I didn’t notice something wrong sooner, guilty I had to make the decision to let her go, oddly lost as she was autistic and I grew up knowing when my parents pasted it would be me to care for her, sad knowing that she was so mad at me for taking her to the hospital that first night, I feel like a horrible daughter for not being stronger for my mom, and so much more. The simplest of tasks or questions are confusing mazes. Where does one even start to begin healing?

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You are beginning here and now by simply asking for help.  This place is a safe haven for me because people here know, realize, and empathize with you and your story of grief, pain, and loss.  There are so many emotions and feelings that come at us that it becomes difficult to sleep, eat, and even breath. 

Grief takes a lot of energy and it is important that you take care of yourself through this most intense and difficult time.  All of the emotions you feel are real and authentic for you.  We are here to listen, share, and care for you, a fellow traveler on this road through this grief, pain, and loss. 

Please be kind to yourself.  No one is prepared for this unknown afterlife after your beloved's death.  Please return often and share what you are going through, questions you may have or when you simply want to tell someone how you feel... believe us... we understand and want to help.  Take care - Shalom (Peace)

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I read your other thread and responded to you there...this one is identical.  Have you read the article I posted for you there?

This whole grief thing can feel a muddle, it turns our lives upside down and leaves us reeling.  People don't know how to respond appropriately and often disappear on us just when we most need them.  It really does help to come here, I've been here since my husband passed and have lost many many others as well.  The good thing about this place is that not only do people understand as they've been through it too, but there myriads of articles and helps here, even a "first year course" available.  We have a counselor that owns and moderates this website and that's what sets it apart from the other websites for grief.

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